Page 6 | They don't want to come to our house!

Blueswirl · 2023-08-06T11:45:43+00:00

My sister lives overseas and comes over for a few weeks in the summer. It's the highlight of mum's year and we arrange our holiday etc so we can see them. She packs in a lot in but prioritised mum's and my Birthdays, or so I thought! I booked a table for mum's and bought a big cake to have back at hers afterwards but when I told her the arrangements for mine she said they might not be free! DH booked a table for 9 and she only confirmed the day before and said they were too busy to come back to ours after for Birthday cake! AIBU to feel a bit miffed? My kids were looking forward to playing with their cousins too.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 06/08/2023 18:13

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 17:55

They are staying at mum's. It will be a pub with a beer garden and play area, should be ideal for all. Ours isn't far away and they expected me to make arrangements for the whole afternoon so it should have been ideal as we can't stay at the pub all afternoon.

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Why can't you go back to your mums with them instead if that's where they're staying?

Original poster

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 18:14

phoenixrosehere · 06/08/2023 17:44

Agree and who is to say it would just be an hour?

With the way OP is upset about it, I’d wonder if she would be here complaining that they only stayed “just an hour” and that her children didn’t have long enough to play with their cousins.

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Of course not! I was expected to plan the afternoon so thought lunch out then cake at ours would be nice as it's something we often do as a family, any amount of time would have been good! I can see how the travelling might be too much though so will re think that!

OP posts:

Original poster

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 18:18

CherryMaDeara · 06/08/2023 16:57

It’s not your fault but at the end of the day, it is still your birthday being celebrated every year.

Who pays so for the meal?

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DH & I will pay. We went ½ each for mum.

OP posts:

phoenixrosehere · 06/08/2023 18:25

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 18:14

Of course not! I was expected to plan the afternoon so thought lunch out then cake at ours would be nice as it's something we often do as a family, any amount of time would have been good! I can see how the travelling might be too much though so will re think that!

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I can see how the travelling might be too much though so will re think that!

That’s good. I think once you do the travelling with your own children, it will give you insight on what it’s like for your sister and her family to do it.

NeedToChangeName · 06/08/2023 18:27

Purrrrrdy · 06/08/2023 16:40

I'm a sister that visits from abroad once a year.
Some years I don't tell anyone I'm coming except by brother and dad.
Everyone, and I mean everyone- expects me to drive to them, after I've travelled thousands of miles, they can't drive to me or meet me in a pub.

Sometimes like a PP I'm fitting 2 or 3 visits in a day. Then some people want another visit and then another. 'Will we see you again before you go?' Putting the pressure on.

I have 7-10 days, use precious annual leave, spend money on somewhere to stay and a hire car. It's not a holiday for me at all and I wouldn't go at all if it wasn't for my Dad.

@Purrrrrdy I know someone who comes 'home' to UK once per year. They hire a function room for an evening, and invite friends and family to join them for drinks. This seems to help reduce the time they spend travelling around

Original poster

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 18:30

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 06/08/2023 18:13

Why can't you go back to your mums with them instead if that's where they're staying?

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Could do that! Our kids really wanted their cousins to come to their house as they don't see them very often, so will be disappointed, but they will get over it!

OP posts:

LiberteEgaliteBeyonce · 06/08/2023 18:39

This kind of politics and diary management is exactly why I feel like going home for the holiday feels more like an obligation than a holiday.
Whilst it's lovely that people want to see you, they don't always realise that such a trip involves a lot of moving parts especially when both sides of the family live on different part of the country. You bust the guy trying to fit everything in and yet, it's not quite good enough.
It's an adult birthday, not the launch of Apollo 13. If that afternoon is not ideal for your sister's and your family to get together for the afternoon, suggest another time.

Shutuptrevor · 06/08/2023 18:47

I know you meant well but it does feel a bit Groundhog Day to do the same thing with the same people twice in a fortnight or whatever tbh…. how about combining yours and your Mum’s meal and then suggesting a family day out together on the other day instead?

Dutch1e · 06/08/2023 19:01

Purrrrrdy · 06/08/2023 16:40

I'm a sister that visits from abroad once a year.
Some years I don't tell anyone I'm coming except by brother and dad.
Everyone, and I mean everyone- expects me to drive to them, after I've travelled thousands of miles, they can't drive to me or meet me in a pub.

Sometimes like a PP I'm fitting 2 or 3 visits in a day. Then some people want another visit and then another. 'Will we see you again before you go?' Putting the pressure on.

I have 7-10 days, use precious annual leave, spend money on somewhere to stay and a hire car. It's not a holiday for me at all and I wouldn't go at all if it wasn't for my Dad.

That's so unfair. I'm an emigrant too and if someone I know from home is coming to anywhere in Europe then if I want to see them I go there. If they can fly for 24 hours I can bloody well get on a train for a day or two.

Daphnis156 · 06/08/2023 19:09

Gosh, if I were your sister I would dread coming home to visit!

rainbowunicorn · 06/08/2023 19:44

There are some really horrible people on here. OP has explained several times what was arranged and how. Some of the comments she is getting are really uncalled for. There are a lot of people on mumsnet that seem to get a kick outbof being as nasty as they possibly can. Should be ashamed of themselves.

CherryMaDeara · 06/08/2023 20:15

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 18:10

It's a bit tricky if she always visits on our birthdays but never hers! She could come later in the summer but chooses to come for our Birthdays on purpose each year!

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Sounds like she likes the birthday celebrations then.

Hope the kids get to have their cousins over soon.

Original poster

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 20:30

Thanks for all the replies! As I said, my sister had put both our birthdays in her diary and was expecting me to make the arrangements. My idea of cake at ours after lunch was just instead of staying at the pub all afternoon, and so the children could play at ours, I thought it would be nice! I can see how they might have had enough travelling around but it's something we have done before so I was just surprised when she wasn't keen. She comes at the same time each year to celebrate both birthdays, she could avoid them completely if she wanted to! And we plan to go there when ours are old enough.
Thanks for the helpful suggestions of alternatives. The unkind comments have really put me off posting on here for advice again though!

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chopc · 06/08/2023 21:12

@Blueswirl if you usually get on with your sister and you are close and she lives abroad, why would you not expect her to spend more than a few hours with you on your birthday. What you expected was perfectly reasonable and I am sad for those MN who don't have families where people actually want to spend time together

EpidermalLayer · 06/08/2023 21:28

chopc · 06/08/2023 21:12

@Blueswirl if you usually get on with your sister and you are close and she lives abroad, why would you not expect her to spend more than a few hours with you on your birthday. What you expected was perfectly reasonable and I am sad for those MN who don't have families where people actually want to spend time together

And plenty of PP have explained that, as much as they love their families they also have limited time during a visit.
People are mean on here OP, I agree but you did sound like a bit of a broken record the first few pages, giving the same replies multiple times. You can feel whatever you like, but your sister hasn't set unrealistic expectations.

Original poster

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 21:51

I text her and asked if lunch out and then cake for both mum and me is too boring, and she said she enjoyed mum's birthday and is looking forward to mine too!
So it must be just about the travel or our house, but I won't go into that now after all the comments! And as someone suggested, the kids do share and we are good hosts, as our friends say we are very welcoming and relaxed, so I think it's another issue. DH is going to take the cake to the pub anyway now, so hopefully everyone (except our kids!) will be happy!

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phoenixrosehere · 06/08/2023 22:05

EpidermalLayer · 06/08/2023 21:28

And plenty of PP have explained that, as much as they love their families they also have limited time during a visit.
People are mean on here OP, I agree but you did sound like a bit of a broken record the first few pages, giving the same replies multiple times. You can feel whatever you like, but your sister hasn't set unrealistic expectations.

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People are mean on here OP, I agree but you did sound like a bit of a broken record the first few pages, giving the same replies multiple times.

Perhaps because as usual on MN AIBU, posters will ask the same question several times that a pp has asked instead of reading an OP’s posts to see if their question has been asked, however I do understand some don’t have the see all function for an OP’s posts.

EpidermalLayer · 06/08/2023 22:10

phoenixrosehere · 06/08/2023 22:05

People are mean on here OP, I agree but you did sound like a bit of a broken record the first few pages, giving the same replies multiple times.

Perhaps because as usual on MN AIBU, posters will ask the same question several times that a pp has asked instead of reading an OP’s posts to see if their question has been asked, however I do understand some don’t have the see all function for an OP’s posts.

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Those comments were a few minutes apart - they might not have been able to see. And OP didn't really answer the question. She said the sister put it on her calendar, and that she 'thought' they were doing the same thing as her mum's birthday.
It's only several posts later that it becomes clear that OP's sister has blocked the 'entire afternoon' but is now saying that she can only meet for lunch.

But yes, I agree, people often don't really read OP's posts.

chopc · 06/08/2023 22:46

@EpidermalLayer my family were always a priority when I visited from living abroad .......

Kanelsnegl · 06/08/2023 22:53

This is actually quite nice to read on some level, reminds me I'm not alone in the frustrations 😅
I'm the sister living abroad and while I love visiting home it's mostly not a holiday as there are so so many expectations and somehow as soon as people heat you're coming home plans are made always so they can include me. Which is of course lovely and thoughtful but also exhausting. And funnily always just the one way. Been here 8 years and most of my family were here once 8 years ago and that's been it. Some have made more effort and I will always make more effort to see those that have done so for me.

Haven't gotten to read the full thread yet so might have been answered but I would also be intrigued to know what, if anything, happens for sisters birthday.

Original poster

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 23:07

EpidermalLayer · 06/08/2023 22:10

Those comments were a few minutes apart - they might not have been able to see. And OP didn't really answer the question. She said the sister put it on her calendar, and that she 'thought' they were doing the same thing as her mum's birthday.
It's only several posts later that it becomes clear that OP's sister has blocked the 'entire afternoon' but is now saying that she can only meet for lunch.

But yes, I agree, people often don't really read OP's posts.

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It's tricky to make sure all the relevant info is included in the 1st post without making it too long! I did draft it first but questions came up that I hadn't mentioned, such as the fact that my sister had put the whole day on her calendar before saying said she might not be free at all, that we always celebrate both birthdays and it hasn't been an issue before, that she is staying at mum's, that the pub has a play area etc etc! I will remember this if I ever post on here again!

OP posts:

Hibiscrubbed · 06/08/2023 23:16

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/08/2023 17:00

You're posting a lot on this thread. Some might think that you are being unnecessarily unkind.

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They are. And it’s tedious seeing all their attempts at mic drop posts. It appears time they posted every time something popped into their head, so keen were they to berate the OP. 😆

This thread is an example of the shithole this place has become. People come just to be anonymous twats to other people for a bit of a buzz. Surely they have better things to do on a Sunday?

As someone said upthread, only on MN is inviting someone back for cake after lunch seen as the signifier of being demanding, petty, attention seeking, hard work, a Princess, domineering, etc. It’s fucking cake. After lunch. Which had been planned for weeks and the sister has decided she now can’t be arsed.

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 05:55

Which had been planned for weeks and the sister has decided she now can’t be arsed

for years this sister has travelled long haul to visit family and there has been no issue whatsoever.

this year - she doesn’t seem quite so keen. So those of us who question look at the facts we know - that never any issue but something this year.

the op was repeatedly asked whether there was a big age gap between the cousins. Ignored.

what I imagine is this sister now has tweens / teens who this year are asserting themselves a little with what they would like to do in the very short time they’re over here. And that is not to play with the OP’s children and go back for cake. So the sister has a balancing act…. She sees family for a bit and then instead of cake with grumpy teens - she does something they want to do.

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 05:58

I text her and asked if lunch out and then cake for both mum and me is too boring

what Kind of a text was that to send your sister, visiting king haul for a short space of time and trying squeeze everything in. Honestly

aloris · 07/08/2023 06:13

When you travel, each movement involves wrangling multiple people, all their stuff, and usually in an unfamiliar environment or with non-ideal wrangling gear. (That is, the environment may be familiar to YOU, but your sister's kids don't live here. This is foreign territory for them.) Even if the environment is familiar, when you move a group from one location to another, especially if it isn't in walking distance, there is a certain delay in just rounding everyone up, giving directions to where is the car parked or where is the bus stop, does everyone have a bus ticket, no Billy you don't have to cross the street........ oh he's already gone, Dave can you run over and get him back please? Where did Sarah go? Oh she went to the bathroom? Again? She went twice during the ... never mind. Can someone go make sure she doesn't exit through the other door when she comes out? etcetera.

It's just a lot of faffing.

When you say that your children are disappointed the cake will be at the restaurant rather than at your home, you say they "want to see their cousins again." It sounds like your kids either (a) want to host their cousins at their home or (b) are not coming to the birthday meal at the restaurant? I can't quite figure out why your children can't see their cousins unless you have cake at your house. If having cake at your own home is the priority, why not skip the restaurant lunch and make (or order in) lunch at home. Even pizza for the kids probably would make things easier. Then the kids could host their cousins at your house and your sister would not have to make an additional two trips in one day.