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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They don't want to come to our house!

277 replies

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 12:45

My sister lives overseas and comes over for a few weeks in the summer. It's the highlight of mum's year and we arrange our holiday etc so we can see them. She packs in a lot in but prioritised mum's and my Birthdays, or so I thought! I booked a table for mum's and bought a big cake to have back at hers afterwards but when I told her the arrangements for mine she said they might not be free! DH booked a table for 9 and she only confirmed the day before and said they were too busy to come back to ours after for Birthday cake!

AIBU to feel a bit miffed? My kids were looking forward to playing with their cousins too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:29

JudgeRudy · 06/08/2023 14:28

You can be miffed yes but it was a bit presumptuous to think she was coming back to yours without asking. Unless it was a special birthday and you were having a bit of a party I would expect much more than the meal. It's her visit and I dare say she's trying to fit a lot in (including herxOHs family/friends) Presumably you'll also see her and cousins at your mums whilst shes over. Maybe you could have your niece/nephew overnight whilst she does something else.

I didn't presume, I invited! And she said no.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 06/08/2023 15:31

She doesn't want to come back to yours, you don't get to plan someone elses time on their holiday, it's not a big deal, let it go.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 06/08/2023 15:32

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:21

Fair enough but we went back to mum's for cake after lunch on her Birthday so I thought we'd do the same for mine!

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You should have checked.

aloris · 06/08/2023 15:35

Traveling is hard work. What might seem like a relaxed schedule to you, is "go-go-go" when you're traveling. Everything is less efficient because you're not in your own home. Lunch out and then going back to someone's house for cake, was too much for her to do twice. Sorry it didn't work out this time, but for next time, try to discuss in advance so you can schedule the most important things.

SocksAndTheCity · 06/08/2023 15:38

You don't need to capitalise the word 'birthday'.

How far apart are the birthdays, and how long is her visit? It all sounds very wearing; do they get time to just relax?

Changingplace · 06/08/2023 15:38

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:19

Fair enough but we went back to mum's house for cake after her Birthday lunch so I thought we'd do the same for mine!

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If within a two week trip you’re already doing a meal & cake for your mums birthday it’s a bit odd to want to do the exact same thing with the exact same people.

I think combining both birthdays to one meal would make more sense, unless you decided to suggest something different for one of the occasions.

Changingplace · 06/08/2023 15:40

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:29

I didn't presume, I invited! And she said no.

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And she’s allowed to do that, that’s how invitations tend to work :) I think it’s a bit of a non event really, not worth worrying about.

muttsandjolts · 06/08/2023 15:42

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:29

I didn't presume, I invited! And she said no.

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Seems like you asked presuming she'd say yes. She said no - that's allowed...she has just spent an evening with you.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 06/08/2023 15:47

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:25

Yes it's was on her calendar for weeks before they came and I thought we'd do the same as for mum's Birthday.

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You keep saying you thought you’d do the same, but that isn’t getting you anywhere. You didn’t do the same. What you have to ask yourself now is, are you annoyed enough to make an issue of it, or are you going to put it behind you and enjoy the rest of your sister’s visit? Because I honestly don’t think the fact that she only came for the meal and not for cake is worth a big drama.

Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:50

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 06/08/2023 14:18

So you’re going out to dinner for your mom‘s birthday, then going back to her place for cake, then a few days (or however long) afterwards you’re going out for dinner for your birthday, and then… going back to your place for cake?

When the cast of characters is the same, the activity is the same and only the venue changes, you can see why your sister might be thinking “Do I need to be there for the full rerun?” I agree with @IceCreamWithSprinkles that it would have made more sense to have had a bigger joint celebration and kept things to one day.

I take your point! Our mum is quite old so lunch and then cake suits her so that's what we usually do! We have always celebrated our Birthdays separately too, so none of us would have thought of doing a joint one. We also have young children to consider. Next year I will certainly think about alternatives!

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 06/08/2023 15:51

You sound like a robot OP, I'm imagining you as this super perky person for whom everything must be just so or the strained smile comes on....relax and enjoy your sister, you'll probably never get as much of her as you would like because she is one person who has to divide herself amongst multiple family members abd friends (her partners too perhaps?). Do you visit her at all?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/08/2023 15:52

Dulra · 06/08/2023 15:23

You're her sister not her mum you always make more of an effort for your mum 😃

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I agree with this. They're already out to dinner with you. Are the children also going? They can see their cousins then.

Otherwise, why not see if they want to do a children's event where the kids can play together. No need for two birthday cake events - cake yes, if you want one, but why does it need a duplicate thing?

Maybe they're just exhausted at all the visits/events being scheduled in... I would be. When do they get to be free to just be back to visit, without planning anything?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 06/08/2023 15:52

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:29

I didn't presume, I invited! And she said no.

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So what's the problem? You asked, she said no. It's not personal.

If she's coming home from overseas she'll have a lot to fit in - family (on both sides?) who want to see her, friends she wants to catch up with, friends her kids might want to see - she'll also need want some downtime for them as a family so they're not spending everyday rushing between relatives.

Don't underestimate how exhausting those holidays are. I did them every year growing up and while I loved seeing my cousins, it was absolutely not a holiday for my mum.

CherryMaDeara · 06/08/2023 15:52

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:27

Of course I asked her! She knew we were going out for lunch then I invited them back for cake the same as we did for mum!

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So she didn’t know there was going be cake at yours after the restaurant weeks before?

Also, maybe she’s tired of always having to celebrate yours and mum’s birthdays every year just because your birthdays fall in with their summer holiday?

What happens for sister’s birthday?

Hbh17 · 06/08/2023 15:54

I don't think I know any adults who expect to have a cake on their birthday, so maybe the sister didn't know that it's now apparently "a thing"!

MadAboutIt · 06/08/2023 16:00

we went back to mum's house for cake after her Birthday lunch so I thought we'd do the same for mine!

Its just cake. She’s seeing you at the restaurant for your birthday meal. Allow her some time for herself on the trip.

Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 16:03

EpidermalLayer · 06/08/2023 15:22

A few weeks is extremely short, especially when you count getting over jet lag and such.
Why do you think the exact same thing should be done for both your birthdays?
Fair enough your sister might want to go back to your mum's, might be the family home, but she has no time for yours.
YABU.

I guess I just wanted to spend the afternoon with them, lunch will be fairly quick and the children wanted to play with their cousins, seemed a shame to book to see us and then leave straight after lunch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 16:04

Dulra · 06/08/2023 15:23

You're her sister not her mum you always make more of an effort for your mum 😃

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Haha true! I am expecting too much!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 16:06

muttsandjolts · 06/08/2023 15:42

Seems like you asked presuming she'd say yes. She said no - that's allowed...she has just spent an evening with you.

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Mum's was a quick lunch out then back to hers for an hour or so, didn't think it was much to ask but it obviously is!

OP posts:
Floppyear · 06/08/2023 16:08

You made all those arrangements without consulting her

Prinnny · 06/08/2023 16:08

Is it a special birthday? I’ve never a grown up complain so much about guests not going back to theres for cake after a meal out? Take the cake with you if you want to be the centre of attention and have everyone to sing happy birthday to you.

Excitingnewusername · 06/08/2023 16:08

Just to add to the chorus, it is absolutely knackering going home for a 'holiday'. Please don't take it personally.

We spend all our holiday money and annual leave doing so every year. You have to balance so many people who want to see you, and you them! In the past we've had to juggle meeting 3 different people seperately in one afternoon, across different areas of a city, and invariably everyone's timings change so it becomes busy and stressful and you can't really focus on enjoying the moment. Every time we come back feeling like we've not had a holiday at all.

And then noone ever comes to visit us, as 'Of course you'll be home for x...' (when you can look at our amazing holiday pictures cause we didn't spend all our money and annual leave visiting home 😉😉)

(we didn't visit one year as we needed an actual holiday, the next year covid struck, so now not visiting when we can feels like more of a gamble)

Floppyear · 06/08/2023 16:10

but when I told her the arrangements for mine she said they might not be free!

you “told” her

nice

Dutch1e · 06/08/2023 16:12

Would you be better off switching lunch to your own house so the kids can play and you can relax a bit with your sister?

Newusernameaug · 06/08/2023 16:12

Something you’re not sharing which could be key:

How far is it from where they stay to mums birthday lunch, then back to mums and then back to where they stay.

And again for your lunch, house, accommodation etc.

I hate it when I’ve already driven a distance to meet someone then they want to go back to theirs which is even further afield.

Or perhaps you’re not a very good host / kids are selfish with sharing toys / people feel uncomfortable for whatever reason at your house?