To NOT expect my DC to clean up after themselves yet

[Goingoutat3]

Me and DH are in midst of a huge argument that started yesterday after spending a week listening to him snap at the DC to clean up their stuff. I mean I'm all for asking the DC to tidy at the end of the day.. sometimes at the end of the activity... But I'm also , I feel, realistic that theyre just kids... They don't realise the impact their "mess" has on the home and probably think the fairies clean their stuff away

DC are 9 and 4.5

DH attitude towards it is if it's not picked up/owned up to/cleaned away he will throw it in the bin

That's what happened yesterday, he semi-shouted from the kitchen "whoever's this is can you put it away or it's going in the bin"

DC9 was in eye shot of what 'this is'. DC4 and I were not.

DC9 said its not mine (which was right in the end as it was DC4's)

He then said okay it's going in the bin

I then shouted out what is it????

He told me it was a mini bowl (of which DC have one each for when they do mini cooking)

I then said can you take it out the bin it's DC4's

He said no you get it out the bin

This obviously pissed me off so I went into kitchen, took it out the bin, put it in dishwasher and told him he needs to lower his expectations of the kids.

This then escalated into a full blown argument about how I:

"Live like a pig" (ridiculous)
"Can't even organise myself to get the food shopping" (like a day or 2 late due to holidays/DC/my activities)
"Don't discipline the DC"

I've been round two seperate houses this week where I have witnessed the mess that other children make and subsequently their DMum or DDad picking up after them (within reason) or asking them to clean up after an activity before moving onto the next.

AIBU
Yes- they should be picking up after themselves every time at this age
No-DH expectations are too high

Anything in between?

Post edited by MNHQ

Should be tidying up, of course, but given a fair opportunity to do so.

I think it should be encouraged that children clear up after themselves in a positive way and make it part of routine

I also think threatening to throw things in the bin is ridiculous and unhelpful

So I guess both of you are a bit U

You're setting yourself up so badly to fail OP. Your children should be being taught to clean up after themselves. Your DH is right.

I feel, realistic that theyre just kids... They don't realise the impact their "mess" has on the home and probably think the fairies clean their stuff away
And you're happy for a 9.5 year old to go on believing in the cleaning fairy?
What age do you plan on enlightening them?

I'm not saying he's right about having an argument or "paddy" as you put it.

But he's right in that your dc should be being taught to clean up after themselves.

That was obviously tongue in cheek

DC9 does clean away when asked to, as does DC4

But my issue is the way he goes about it in an aggressive way, when, in absolute reality, the house is NOT a mess in any way shape or form

Your DH is right, children need to be taught from a young age to tidy up after themselves (in age appropriate ways) so it becomes a habit. Otherwise you'll end up always cleaning up after teenagers and young adults.

DS is 4 and usually if he wants to get something new out and there’s already stuff all over I’ll say let’s put this away first and we tidy it up together, or we tidy up before we go out places etc.

Otherwise we usually all just tidy up together at the end of the day.

I think it’s good practice to get them to clean up after themselves but expectations do need to be managed - particularly with 4yo. Not sure about 9yo as I don’t have one but I’d expect them to be able to tidy up after themselves when’s it’s appropriate.

Why is it up to you to do the food shop?

The earlier you start, the better.

9 is very late.

He could just asked dc4 to put it in the dishwasher. Not the bin.

But I also think you aren’t being a bit ridiculous. Of course kids that age can tidy up after themselves.

Your 9 year old can 100% tidy up after themselves, and understand the consequences of not doing so. Your 4 year old I would expect to need a bit of support and encouragement.

It's important for children to tidy in an age appropriate way. I think you should be encouraging them to start helping out. Eg "we've finished playing with this now so let's pack it away together" or "can you put your bowl by the sink please".
Shouting and throwing things in the bin is horrible and ridiculous.
There's a balance between your stance and your husband's and you need to find it.

No, it wasn't obvious at all.

Really ?
To throw the children's things in the bin ?

Of course they should be tidying up after themselves.

Mine are 9.5 and 5 years old.

Sometimes I will help them if it’s a big mess and lots of stuff but they know I won’t do it alone.

If it’s a simple case of just putting clothes away, putting used cups and plates in the kitchen, putting their dirty clothes in the washing basket, tidying away their games, paints and pens etc etc then yes, of course they should be expected to do it.

Women are not slaves who should clean up after their children - it’s bad enough that some women feel that have to tidy up after their husband never mind other people too.

This is spot on.

DC are 9 and 4.5

My toddlers did basic tidying up of toys at end of the day so by 4yrs your child should be doing that, it's something the teachers instill in classrooms (or did). Your 9yr should have regular chores by now as well. Your DH is right, you are raising lazy and selfish children.

I made that mistake of not expecting them to do much and I am still cleaning up after them. Luckily eldest 2 have moved out now but I have a 15 year what doesn't know how to do much. They should be able to clear toys away at that age.

Sal

Attitude wise your H is obviously being unreasonable but when it comes to the substance of it your DC should be cleaning up but not with "throw it in the bin" as the background

You’d DH is right. You are raising yet more lazy entitled kids.

My DC have been cleaning up after themselves since they were old enough to pick up a toy in put it in a box i.e. about months.

At 9 and 4.5 your DC should not think that fairies clean their stuff away - they should understand that it's a job that needs doing even if it's not very interesting.

What parents do when they have guests over is quite possibly very different to what they do when they are on their own, so I don't think you can read anything into your experience.

Throwing stuff in the bin is ridiculous but was it a final straw situation?

DS5 and DD2 both tidy in an age appropriate way. I'd be really shocked at a child age 9 not tidying up after themselves, that's really lazy.

DS5 straightens his bed on a morning, puts his dirty clothes by the washing machine on a night, will put plates/cups in sink and rubbish in the bin, and always tidies away all his toys. We'll help with toys but the other jobs are literally 30 seconds here and there.

DD2 puts dishes on the table, spoons in the sink, rubbish in the bin and will tidy her toys with help.

I think this is a grossly unfair statement

In what part of my post did I say that I tidy up after my DC everytime?

My DC do clean up after themselves when asked, even more so when it's moving on from one clear cut activity to the next

DH problem appears to be with the smaller things that might not perhaps pertain to an activity

I.e. this small bowl that was taken out of the cupboard and left on chair

Or e.g. a small toy or a book or a doll

I wouldn't expect them to literally not leave anything anywhere because after all I leave things places as does he

He seems to want everything tidy all at once and if it's in his way then it's going in the bin

I can't vote because you've manipulated it.

Your husband is obviously being a dick, but you're being very unreasonable if you think a NINE year old shouldn't be tidying up after themself.

The 4.5 year old should be learning to do so, but obviously won't have the same capability as the older one.

Of course theirs old enough, especially the 9yr old!!