To NOT expect my DC to clean up after themselves yet

[Goingoutat3]

Me and DH are in midst of a huge argument that started yesterday after spending a week listening to him snap at the DC to clean up their stuff. I mean I'm all for asking the DC to tidy at the end of the day.. sometimes at the end of the activity... But I'm also , I feel, realistic that theyre just kids... They don't realise the impact their "mess" has on the home and probably think the fairies clean their stuff away

DC are 9 and 4.5

DH attitude towards it is if it's not picked up/owned up to/cleaned away he will throw it in the bin

That's what happened yesterday, he semi-shouted from the kitchen "whoever's this is can you put it away or it's going in the bin"

DC9 was in eye shot of what 'this is'. DC4 and I were not.

DC9 said its not mine (which was right in the end as it was DC4's)

He then said okay it's going in the bin

I then shouted out what is it????

He told me it was a mini bowl (of which DC have one each for when they do mini cooking)

I then said can you take it out the bin it's DC4's

He said no you get it out the bin

This obviously pissed me off so I went into kitchen, took it out the bin, put it in dishwasher and told him he needs to lower his expectations of the kids.

This then escalated into a full blown argument about how I:

"Live like a pig" (ridiculous)
"Can't even organise myself to get the food shopping" (like a day or 2 late due to holidays/DC/my activities)
"Don't discipline the DC"

I've been round two seperate houses this week where I have witnessed the mess that other children make and subsequently their DMum or DDad picking up after them (within reason) or asking them to clean up after an activity before moving onto the next.

AIBU
Yes- they should be picking up after themselves every time at this age
No-DH expectations are too high

Anything in between?

Post edited by MNHQ

OP is manipulating her words on this thread alone. It may or may not be her actions or words that are causing DH problems but she certainly isn't blame-free on this thread as evidenced by her posts here. It is not always the DHs fault you know. Anyway I'm out. You can't help someone who can't be honest. Seems at least one other poster here feels the same as me.

I mean I'm all for asking the DC to tidy at the end of the day.. sometimes at the end of the activity...

from first post as asked

Not at all

He's the one stomping around

Making threats.. actually throwing things in bins

So I react, and suddenly I'm the bad one?

Your DH is right that the DC need to be picking up after themselves, but the way he's going about it is all wrong.

There's really no need to be shouty and aggressive and clear it right this very second or else about stuff that not everyone can see.

Both of you need ti have a conversation away from the DC about discipline and how you show a united front as being part of that escalating situation can't have been comfortable for any of you.

Yes my DC9 will empty the dishwasher, put clean clothes away, hang up coat, put away shoes, prepare easy meals, hoovering, making bed

DC4 will also try and empty the safe parts of dishwasher, will put small hoover around, pack bag for preschool, makes bed

IMO they both have age appropriate actual chores

This isn't about their chores though it's about the general day to day tidying. The picking up and putting down of things of fleeting interest. This seems to be where mess accumulates.

Clear cut activities they will generally tidy away before moving on

It's the other stuff

The in between stuff

The 9 year old definitely should, but I'd expect the 4.5 year old to still be learning and forget a lot.

Your dh sounds like a dick, you clearly think he is a dick.

You knew he was a dick even before you had kids with him.

So I'm not sure what more there is to say 🤷‍♀️

Being so perpetually offended (and wrong) must be very tiring

Indeed it must. As you are no doubt painfully aware.

I think you should read that comment again.

I’ve never been wrong about a thing in my life 😉

I don't think so? I re read several times 🤷🏻‍♀️

As said the four year old still needs direction and help. Your DH is another man who thinks of himself as the head of the household and runs it with aggression and threats, even though he doesn't put in 50%. Your children will, as you say, develop anxiety and learn to walk on eggshells. You need a sit down talk with him and if he can't change, I would be looking to leave the marriage. It isn't a happy home, quite deliberately on his part, because being in total control is more important to him.

Believe it or not, I'm actually on your side 😂.

Can't stand parents (well, mostly fathers tbh) who roll up for a couple of hours now and then after being absent from parenting most of the week and start throwing their weight around upsetting everyone.

Oh sorry 🤣 this post has taken a negative spin so I read your post as sarcasm 🤦🏻‍♀️

This isn't about their chores though it's about the general day to day tidying. The picking up and putting down of things of fleeting interest. This seems to be where mess accumulate

I'd say that stuff was more important than teaching them to empty the dishwasher?

Listen to your husband! I wish I had!

😮

People are harsh. Yanbu op your DH is mean. Mines big now and guess what, he cleans up after himself even though he never did aged 4 or 9. They're only kids once it's not like they will reach adulthood and not know how to pick up a cup.

Mine didn't even clean up after himself aged 14 🤣 and he's quite capable now. Such meanies on this thread.

Who did? You, I suppose... And people are big meanies for thinking that's appalling?

Interestingly his own DM said that he out of her 3 boys, was the only one who was tidy right from the start. She admitted herself that she generally wasn't that tidy until she had her own place. So it's not how he was brought up because how do you explain his messy brothers Vs how strictly tidy he is?

My own brother and sister are messy. And quite disgusting tbh.

Me and my brother were brought up in chaos from many levels.

I was kind of untidy (but not near my brother and sister level), but he's argued it out of me and I have anxiety about it now.

Op if I were you I’d create a clear weekly list of who does what.
In that list is the 9 and 4.5 year old doing what is reasonable.
In the list is also your DH doing the same amount as you. Then ask him to sign up to it.
Drives me crazy people yelling at their kids over this stuff when they’re not pulling their own weight.

5, 6 and 8yr olds here and they have been expected to tidy up since they could walk. Obviously they get age appropriate help so when younger we would do it together, now 5yr old needs a bit of guidance and often turnes in to a game ie "how quickly can you put the yellow ones away etc. 6yr old is able to independently tidy but needs reminded to stay on task and not get distracted, 8yr old has special needs so we have a whole system in place for him which means he is heavily supported but still expected to tidy.

We also have a rule that anything left out at the end of the day goes in the bin, they get asked to tidy before dinner then asked to check everywhere is tidy before bed and we will point out anything left out so they have the opportunity to tidy.

My house looks like a bomb has gone off 90% of the day with toys and games all over the place so definitely not a show home but i think you need to encourage some independence and not let them think the cleaning fairy does it.

I also cant stand "its not mine" as a response and am trying to teach mine that as we are a family it takes teamwork to make living together work so would expect them to say "its not mine but ill take it to the kitchen" they would get a marble in their good choices jar for this.

All that said id be pissed off with DH complaining about me not going shopping and he would be getting a talking to about teamwork

Really? As the poster is supporting you and you are responding like they’re not.

Unhappy marriage
unhappy family home