To feel guilty that we only buy secondhand for our DD?

[Flowerdaschund]

DD is nearly 1.

Before she arrived I bought loads of babygrows and vests etc new. Her pram and all the ‘big’ nursery items were new and obviously bottles etc.

Anyway, since she grew out of all her 0-3 month clothes, I just started buying bundles on Vinted and Facebook marketplace for clothes. The only new clothes she’s had since 3 months old are ones my mum or other relatives buy her. Actually, we did have a family holiday in May and I went to Primark the week before and bought £100 worth of summer clothes for her, but that’s it. Other than that, every clothing item is secondhand.

With toys, we’ve never bought her any ‘new’ toys, they’ve all been hand me downs from cousins etc and then lately when she’s gotten bored, I’ve been going to charity shops or again, buying toy bundles off Vinted.

I went food shopping the other day and the supermarket had a clothes sale on and there were loads of gorgeous dresses, reduced to £10 from £15 etc. I really wanted to grab a few bits but I thought to myself, I can buy 2-3 items for £30/£40 but I could get loads on Vinted for that.

It’s her 1st birthday in a week and DH was saying what was the point of getting her loads of things as she’ll be getting loads from family and she doesn’t understand it’s her birthday anyway. I picked out a few items I want to get her, totalling about £70 and he said he thought that was too much to spend on her for her first birthday. I’m going to buy them all anyway, I don’t care, I feel like she should have some special, new items for her first birthday.

I dunno, I guess I see all these people buying pretty clothes and outfits and loads of toys etc and I worry she’s disadvantaged or missing out from having pretty much everything second hand and I don’t think we’ll be able to get away with this for too long?

I think some family members (who really spoil their children) think we’re tight as we’re a fairly high earning household 😳

Are we being tight only buying her second hand or cheap, Primark clothes?

You need to ponder this more.

Why does spending equal love in your mind?

I would think saving now so you could treat her in future to activities she will enjoy when she's more cognizant is the more loving, big-picture approach.

What you spend on yourself is irrelevant. Your needs and cognition are different than those of a baby.

That sounds like spending for spendings sake which is bonkers. A sensible person might open a savings account and put the money in there so a child could buy what they actually want in the future rather then being dressed in new clothes that they literally couldn't care less about now

Where does the notion come from that before you have children you are made to expect to spend more on them than you?

Children remember security, love and happy times.

Even if my DC had been bought brand new every time, a play frock for dd was £3.99 in Asda, something nice from GAP £22. Her frock for her christening was £16, my frock for it was £85. I remember crap like that. My hair, cut and colour, was £80, a trim for dd was a tenner.

This was 24/5 years ago though.

I wouldn’t judge the 2nd hand clothes, and don't think anyone else wouldngive a flying unless they were people to whom I wouldn't give a second thought.

The most expensive things our dc had were experiences and their education, notwithstanding the mortgage on the family home and need for a bigger car and double price holidays in the school holidays.

Once dd started school, I hardly ever bought a new item of uniform for her.

Funnily enough, every time I go to the hairdressers, (there's an Oliver Bonas next door), I buy her a top because I want to spoil her and she doesn't spoil herself. She's 25

Best to save your money for when she is able to say what presents she would like for her birthday. If you feel guilty about not buying her things then put some money in a savings account for her when she is older.

You are helping her to develop a healthy attitude towards consumerism, use what you need, pass it on when you no longer need it. She will not be burdened by feeling guilty about getting rid of belongings that come with a sense of sentimentality arranged because they were bought for her by granny or grandad, a life free of clutter awaits her, lucky girl!

The happiest children I have ever known are the ones who are allowed to get dirty and squidge the sand between their toes, with ice-cream in their hair.

This is a case of spending more = more love. It's more about your feelings of guilt, I think
Did you have a difficult birth?
I did, and for the first 6 months or so I felt I had to make it up to him( I had severe PND)
I would spend money on experiences for her( like zoos whatever) that way instead

and yes, agree with pp... more dirty, muddy, soaked, sandy boys the better
Clothes wash and they go in the bath
They're all adults now and these are the things they remember

I think it’s about getting the balance right, I’ll be shot for this but I do judge well off parents (and they are usually “middle class”) who spend a lot on designer stuff, nails etc. for themselves but whose kids are not decently clothed or allowed to do activities.

There was a girl in DD’s class at school who had too small uniform, often with holes wasn’t allowed to do ballet after school because of the cost. Mum and Dad were walking designer logos, usually of the briefly fashionable kind rather than “investment”, huge cars and so on. They were quite open that they chose to spend as little on the kids as possible to maintain their own preferences. They weren’t making a choice about minimising impact on the environment or paying bills, they were just totally selfish. Not a big deal when kids were 4 but definitely affected them by the time they got to 6/7.

@JWR your description doesn't strike me as middle class. I don't know any middle class, professional parents, who behave like that.

I think buying second hand is totally fine. However I do think it borders on tight when you can’t pick up one outfit for your daughter that you like from a supermarket sale.

What's wrong with tight?

Especially if later they can pay uni fees out of savings rather than debt.

I just think having the money and never treating your child because you can buy cheaper elsewhere/ do it at home/ not spend the money is just miserly.
It’s like the kids that are never ever allowed ice cream from the ice cream van because a pack of 4 is cheaper in Tesco. Fine most of the time obviously but never being able to loosen the purse strings (when you are more than able to) is pretty miserable.

Nah, massive fan of preloved here.

In large part because it's more sustainable for the planet.

I'd rather buy better brands (we stick to GOTS cotton for sensory issues) second hand than Primark/Supermarket new.

I've just bought a lovely Next baby dress from Vinted for a wedding for under £5!

To be fair, in terms of general life, we’re not tight. She goes on expensive days out fairly often (local zoo, park farm etc) I’ll always buy her something from the cafes and when she’s older she can ALWAYS have an ice cream from the ice cream van if she wants one.

It’s really just clothes and toys that I’m being tight with, I guess because she grows out /gets bored of them so quickly that it just seems mental to spend £25 on a dress or a toy that she’ll only use for a few months when I can get both for a fiver secondhand.

But I am going to make a conscious effort to not spend loads on myself whilst being tight with her, I’m naturally quite a selfish person 😳 and know I need to make sure that she has nice clothes and everything she needs, as well as me!

We all share around kids clothes in our family. Oldest DB is a multi-millionaire, so there are lots of very good quality handmedowns for all ages. The styles were very classic/gender neutral too. We do it even now and will carry on for as long as we can. We maybe add stuff into the rotation, but only good quality things that wash very well. Little White Company have excellent sales and launder brilliantly, as do Petite Bateau and Pol y Pret (sp)?

Honestly I would not worry at all. It's sensible to buy them second hand especially when they are tiny and rocketing through all the sizes.

There are some things you should not scrimp on like car seats - but books, toys, and clothing? All the way.

I tend to feel that buying 80-90% second hand gives me the freedom to spend a bit more when I do splash out on something new. (Especially up to about age 2).

But also, as your child gets older, especially over about 2-3, you will find that you need specific things rather than bundles and you will naturally find that you buy more new because of this. I do still grab a bundle if I see it in the right size and it's the colour/style/type of item that works for us, but these tend to supplement the new stuff rather than being the other way around.

There are also fewer bundles for sale because toddlers+ are much rougher on their clothing.

So, this is a "problem" that will solve itself. Don't worry about it, and don't feel guilty.

I always buy the best shoes I can afford when they start walking, but they are barefoot when at home.

YANBU to buy in the way you do (maybe with the exception of primark) but YABU to worry about it! DD is 15 months and most of her clothes come from vinted. Her next2me and moses basket were second hand (new mattresses) and we've bought a buggy second hand. Parents insisted on buying her main pram and bassinet brand new, such a waste as it got used for the first 9ish months and now sits in our garage! Sling and bouncer were also second hand and I'm on my way to pick up my second lot of marketplace toys this weekend!

We are also a higher earning household BTW, but environmentally conscious and I'd also rather save the extra cash for her university/first car/first home fund!

£100 would buy a lot of baby clothes on Primark!
You say you are high earning so if you want to buy her new clothes but something better quality.
But there is nothing wrong with second hand. She won't know the difference or care.

Oh FFS ice-cream vans are the world's biggest rip off. Mine got them on holiday and it was clearly explained to them that an ice cream from the freezer cost 50p, an ice cream from the van £1.50. All those extra £'s added up to a trip to legoland.

At 1 your dd has not yet learnt the joy of receiving. I said no a lot to mine. Never did they want more than a pencil and note pad from the gift shop. But I do recall when dd was 5 or 6 being in a department store buying birthday presents in the toy department. "Mummy, can I have a Barbie". "No". When we got to the counter I suddenly thought OFFS, it's a tenner, and told her to go and chose one. She was so thrilled it was palpable. I said to the lady, I felt dreadful for saying no for the sake of it. She gave me a Paddington stare and simply said "there would be far fewer tantrums in the toy dept, if there were more no's". Pleasing dd gave me a thrill though and I loosened up a bit after that.

DS1 was 7 before he realised that you could buy clothes in shops!
Most kids are a bit more switched on, but even so, you've got several years before she is going to care!
You don't need to discuss with her or anyone else where her clothes come from.

It's much easier to get very good quality and condition children's clothes and toys than some adult clothes. Children often have too much so they are barely used before being sold. Good quality t-shirts and bras and underwear for adults you have to get new, other things the fit can be more important than for a growing child so unless you know the brand and it has reliable sizing then you may need to try on. It's not really comparable.

Until she is of the age that she is wanting to pick a few of her own things in a shop, or needing to try things on then second hand is absolutely fine.

The way you feel is symptomatic of our society where every emotion can be expressed or assuaged through the purchase of consumer items. You feel that a person who’s child has a £60 Boden coat must love them more than a child in a Primark one.

It’s actually very hard to break away from this even when you recognise it’s happening. One of my dd’s wears glasses and I will pay £60 because I don’t want her to have the free ones. I know they’re not really better, and she’s 5 and is cute regardless, but I just can’t help feeling the free frames are not good enough for her.

I've got sisters with girls. I don't think my daughter has had a single new item other than underwear!

What difference does it make? She's an absolute monkey and it causes me a lot less stress seeing her climb in third hand dresses.

I see no point spending money for the sake of it just to have new.

When the icecream van the DC are eyeing up is a 5 minute walk from Iceland, you can bet we'll go there instead. £5 for just them or £1.50 for all 3 of us? No brainer, and I can sweeten the deal with £3.50 to spend elsewhere on tat they also want.