Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

A one and a half year old doesn’t want to go for a walk with a stranger while their parents are inside. It takes weeks of settling babies into childcare settings. Hardly any baby of th eat age will be happy to go off with someone random. Your suggestion is the opposite of common sense.

I know that sounds like common sense, but if I tried to hand my 2 year old to a stranger, especially in unfamiliar surroundings, she’d go apeshit.. she would only go quietly if it was with someone she knew well and even then it depends how she felt on the day! There’s no reasoning with toddlers!

the ONLY thing you can do in this situation is sit in an easily escapable place and hope for the best, be prepared to walk out at the first hint of trouble.

we did it a couple of weeks ago with our 2 year old, she did really well sat on my knee for a bit, then she sat on the floor between my feet playing with some animal toys that I’d bought along, we sat on the back row and if she’d have started making noises I would have taken her straight out. It’s not a 2 man job.

Why can't you ask or hire someone she knows well, like a care worker or neighbour or family friend, to help you out for an hour or so? Unless the wedding is at a great distance.

“The wedding is about 5 hrs away so parents won’t be there and there’s no one else.”

Yes yabu over just 40 minutes. Can grandma/auntie or whoever you said will be behind you help if you can't manage her?

A 1.5 year old doesn’t know anyone “well”
except their parents and very close family!
Certainly not a ‘care worker’. What planet do you live on?
Never mind the fact that OP clearly stated the wedding was 5hrs away.

*ZeldaWillTellYourFortune
No, just an adult with common sense. It's hardly brain surgery. Hire a sitter to come along and wrangle the child so that the bride and groom can have a peaceful and quiet ceremony.

I know that sounds like common sense, but if I tried to hand my 2 year old to a stranger, especially in unfamiliar surroundings, she’d go apeshit.. she would only go quietly if it was with someone she knew well and even then it depends how she felt on the day! There’s no reasoning with toddlers!

the ONLY thing you can do in this situation is sit in an easily escapable place and hope for the best, be prepared to walk out at the first hint of trouble.

we did it a couple of weeks ago with our 2 year old, she did really well sat on my knee for a bit, then she sat on the floor between my feet playing with some animal toys that I’d bought along, we sat on the back row and if she’d have started making noises I would have taken her straight out. It’s not a 2 man job.*

It all sounds so easy until you have to make it work. You're 5 hours from home and " just hire a babysitter ".

Nope. Clearly no common sense whatsoever! 😂

They really don't make a wedding and often ruin weddings.

They're 5 hours away from home @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune. What next from the "common sense' box?

At 19 months they could do anything IMO.

They could sit quietly or they could decide to run around like maniac's.

They could start attention seeking with the captive audience behind them, and play up massively like my grand niece did until she was wrestled out of the church recently.😁

They often can sense your stress and play on it terribly like my nephew did, which we thought was very funny, as you do when it isn't YOUR child.

At 19 months they have their own determined minds and there is NO reasoning with them.

One of mine was excellent in this situation, the other 3 were bundled out of church at weddings.

We always sat at the back for a quick exit.

If it wasn't for family we would have ditched the service and gone straight to the hotel on the rare occasions we had family weddings with young children.

It’ll either surprise you and be fine or it’ll be a nightmare and you’ll have to take her out. Sit by the aisle to cover the latter eventuality and give sil the heads up that you anticipate having to take her out - but phrase it reassuringly “don’t worry sil, I will take her out if she becomes disruptive”.

You’ll be fine. It’s really going to be ok. You can handle her for 40 minutes.

@ThanksItHasPockets

Agreed. Just give her some dry cheerios or raisins or something. Very discreet.

Church weddings I've been to (a lot) have rarely been under an hour.

I think 20-30 mins is very ambitious! I'd say an hour minimum.

Thanks for the brioche tip!

Everyone sticking the boot in to the OP seems to have forgotten that the bride is more than happy to wheel the cute child out for her photos while not wanting to make any accommodations to actually having her there.

You asked . Bride said no.
Yabu to ' insist' you have things your way!!

But this is MN where a mother with one child needs 'support' and 'help' if her husband has to go away for work.

Rockbird

Actually, it seems to be the OP that's more concerned about the "cute child" being in the pictures; the bride seems keen to have her brother there:

But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.

Headphones and phone with cartoons?

Headphones and phone with cartoons?

This. If she starts kicking off and you don't want to interrupt the ceremony then this is what you'll have to do. It's his side of the family so you are
the one who has to be in charge during the ceremony. I'd assess where the nearest exits are and not expect to see much of it - sorry, just being realistic!

You would have hated my wedding then. We had games. Full on whole church playing games while we signed the register. We are both practicing Christians along with at least 75% of the congregation including at least 7 vicars of differing denominations. Lots of people remarked what a wonderful change it was from the usual music.