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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

548 replies

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:44

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

OP posts:
amidsummernightsdream · 07/08/2023 18:52

@sunglassesonthetable that doesn’t mean it isn’t. It is rude to have toys and snacks out at a church service and like I said it’s unnecessary.

JenWillsiam · 07/08/2023 18:52

I’ve been your SIL.

“if she’s playing up I will pop out with her”. Fine.

“If she plays up can I play pass the aggy toddler with my OH”. flat no.

Just take her out. That’s what happens.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 18:57

that doesn’t mean it isn’t. It is rude to have toys and snacks out at a church service and like I said it’s unnecessary.

I 100% don't agree.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 18:59

And well done with your 1 yr old but I'd say necessary.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 07/08/2023 19:09

Why do you keep saying you dont have anyone to pass her to? Its 40 mins? You are being unreasonable not being able to manage your won child for 40 mins!

ThanksItHasPockets · 07/08/2023 19:32

amidsummernightsdream · 07/08/2023 18:52

@sunglassesonthetable that doesn’t mean it isn’t. It is rude to have toys and snacks out at a church service and like I said it’s unnecessary.

There are a number of regularly practising Christians on this thread, myself included, who have patiently and repeatedly explained that it is not rude. My parish church has a literal toy box available for all services, even the most formal. I think you would find most do.

StaunchMomma · 07/08/2023 19:35

We've ALL had situations like this, OP! It's just part of parenting. Of course prams shouldn't be in the church and neither should toys, snacks or your bloody phone!! You don't need to pass your child around, either.

You may only make it through 1/4 of the ceremony but that's life with a toddler! Nobody else should be missing the service so you can be there and your DH should be sitting where his DSis wants him, because those 40 minutes are about her, not your parenting skills and certainly not about others having to change plans to prioritise you just because you have a child.

Just do what everyone else does and hot-foot it out of the church, FFS! This is such a non-issue 🙄

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 19:36

And brioche recommended by a priest. @ThanksItHasPockets

StaunchMomma · 07/08/2023 19:36

ThanksItHasPockets · 07/08/2023 19:32

There are a number of regularly practising Christians on this thread, myself included, who have patiently and repeatedly explained that it is not rude. My parish church has a literal toy box available for all services, even the most formal. I think you would find most do.

Show quote history

It's not just Sunday service though, is it! It's a wedding!!

Nobody wants toots and rattles during their wedding ceremony!

ThanksItHasPockets · 07/08/2023 19:37

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 19:36

And brioche recommended by a priest. @ThanksItHasPockets

Exactly!

Ange1233556 · 07/08/2023 19:39

Blondewithredlips · 06/08/2023 00:51

This

Show quote history

This

ThanksItHasPockets · 07/08/2023 19:41

StaunchMomma · 07/08/2023 19:36

It's not just Sunday service though, is it! It's a wedding!!

Nobody wants toots and rattles during their wedding ceremony!

Show quote history

No toots or rattles. We save those for high days and holidays when we have run out of incense.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 19:41

Nobody wants toots and rattles during their wedding ceremony!

Would any parent in their right mind choose a tooting rattling toy.

Another poster mentioned small animals.

And @StaunchMomma wind your neck in.
You try the snack, then a toy, then it's out.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 19:42

And please of course a bloody pram can go into the church!

Where do you attend church??

The Vatican?

Missingpop · 07/08/2023 19:44

Do you have your mum/sister available to help you; could she sit out of sight during the ceremony & if little one gets fractious she could take her for a walk; the rejoin you all for photos & the perhaps take her home so you can all enjoy the wedding without worrying about sleeping & meals; she will be comfy at home with grandma/auntie being spoilt & happy x
hopefully this will be acceptable to the bride x

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 19:44

She's 5 hrs from home.

ThanksItHasPockets · 07/08/2023 19:45

Missingpop · 07/08/2023 19:44

Do you have your mum/sister available to help you; could she sit out of sight during the ceremony & if little one gets fractious she could take her for a walk; the rejoin you all for photos & the perhaps take her home so you can all enjoy the wedding without worrying about sleeping & meals; she will be comfy at home with grandma/auntie being spoilt & happy x
hopefully this will be acceptable to the bride x

They will be five hours from home.

Courgeon · 07/08/2023 19:46

YABU. You can manage one toddler for 40 minutes on your own. Take a book for her to look through or something else that's quiet and unobtrusive. Shouldn't need to "pass her back and forth" for such a short amount of time. I've seen parents do this and it makes kids more agitated in my opinion. I used to manage an 18 month old ds and his 4 year old big sister at various events like this on my own for much longer.

I do have friends like you though, can't seem to cope without the other adult there for more than a few minutes and every single parenting task, mealtimes, bedtime etc has to be doubled up.

EllenVannen · 07/08/2023 19:50

Most churches have a play area for children at the back. If she gets fidgety take her down there for a while. If you do it during one of the hymns it won't be so noticeable. Make sure you are sat at the end of the pew.

Guest will understand 40 mins is a long time for little one.

Gcsunnyside23 · 07/08/2023 19:50

Is there anyone going to the wedding that your little one is really familiar with or likes that isn't in the wedding party? If so ask sil if they can come sit nearby to take her out or help keep her entertained. Toddlers are crazy I don't blame you for being anxious but I'm sure it'll be fine

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 07/08/2023 19:57

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:56

Have you tried to hold down a toddler for 40 minutes on your own and keep them quiet?!?! It’s not unreasonable to think this would be hard.

Show quote history

Yes. It was always fine as I am the parent and they are the child. If it's a badly behaved child, then leave for a bit.

Louoby · 07/08/2023 20:03

Yes it is frustrating and those saying can you not manage your own child have obviously forgotten what it's like to have a young toddler. A toddler will not sit still on a lap for 40 minutes. I'd send your daughter walking to her dad and let her sit with him half way through. If they want children at the service then they have to appreciate kids make noise and also she may go for a walk.

Louoby · 07/08/2023 20:05

@SpicedPumpkinLatte
Nasty comment. Yes we are parents but toddlers have their own minds, you can't manage to hold down a toddler and stop them from screaming and getting annoyed even if you are the best parent in the world.
Have you even got children? Have you had toddlers recently and completely forgotten what it's like?

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 07/08/2023 20:09

Louoby · 07/08/2023 20:05

@SpicedPumpkinLatte
Nasty comment. Yes we are parents but toddlers have their own minds, you can't manage to hold down a toddler and stop them from screaming and getting annoyed even if you are the best parent in the world.
Have you even got children? Have you had toddlers recently and completely forgotten what it's like?

It's not nasty. I do have a child and I could look after mine for an hour during Mass. If they got restless or fidgety, I'd take them out (I never needed to). It's not bloody rocket science and nothing to be anxious about and demanding the bride move her brother from the front row.

zurala · 07/08/2023 20:20

I have children with Sen and have always been able to amuse them quietly for at least 40 minutes. You are being very precious OP.