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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

548 replies

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:44

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/08/2023 00:18

Rockbird · 06/08/2023 21:47

Everyone sticking the boot in to the OP seems to have forgotten that the bride is more than happy to wheel the cute child out for her photos while not wanting to make any accommodations to actually having her there.

Oh Ffs.

She's probably having the kid in the wedding party under duress and would just as soon that zero toddlers attend. They aren't as cute as their parents think they are, and that's before the noise and odour factors.

Tinybrother · 07/08/2023 03:22

Under duress from whom?

SoupDragon · 07/08/2023 07:54

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/08/2023 00:18

Oh Ffs.

She's probably having the kid in the wedding party under duress and would just as soon that zero toddlers attend. They aren't as cute as their parents think they are, and that's before the noise and odour factors.

Show quote history

Yeah, right... 😂😂

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 08:07

She's probably having the kid in the wedding party under duress and would just as soon that zero toddlers attend. They aren't as cute as their parents think they are, and that's before the noise and odour factors.

Duress from whom ?

Is this because you said it wasn't brain surgery , but then realised they're 5 hours from home and can't just " hire a sitter " and have gone all quiet on that one. 😂

5128gap · 07/08/2023 08:24

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/08/2023 00:18

Oh Ffs.

She's probably having the kid in the wedding party under duress and would just as soon that zero toddlers attend. They aren't as cute as their parents think they are, and that's before the noise and odour factors.

Show quote history

Was she under duress to include her SiL too? Maybe OP looks cute in photos?
How about she's just a woman who wants her niece, brother and sister in law to have roles in her wedding because they're her family? But if it comes to someone having to leave their place because of the child, she'd sooner it were her SiL than her own brother?

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 08:24

Good Luck OP. I don't think you're entitled or any nonsense like that.

I know some toddlers are hard work
in this situation. And some like a miracle will sit quietly. They are pretty much a law unto themselves.

If your SiL hasn't had children I don't think she's really going to understand this. request.

I think you're going to have to take one for the team here. Obviously start with the distractions, snacks, possibly your ( silent) phone otherwise straight out down the side.

You're LO sounds very busy, so even if your OH was next to you, it sounds like she'd be taken out.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 07/08/2023 08:31

YABU we had this when my dd was about 18 months. Then DP was best man, I was bridesmaid. DD didn't have a role but I had to keep her with me during the service. She ran off and I had to run after her (in high heels). It wasn't easy but I coped.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 08:47

Remember to keep the cars key and not your OH.

If you end up outside with your LO you don't want to be stood in the rain ( looking at you pissy summer weather ) with nowhere to shelter.

Skinthin · 07/08/2023 09:13

Rockbird · 06/08/2023 21:47

Everyone sticking the boot in to the OP seems to have forgotten that the bride is more than happy to wheel the cute child out for her photos while not wanting to make any accommodations to actually having her there.

What are you talking about? She’s invited her to wedding including ceremony. Presumably this included cost and other things. She may well have made plenty of other arrangements.
She just wants her DB to stand with the ushers during ceremony and for mum to watch her tot for 40 mins!! Why is everyone acting like that’s so unreasonable. It’s perfectly reasonable. Tot does not need two parents in attendance of her during the ceremony. Simples.

StephanieSuperpowers · 07/08/2023 09:49

I'd like to say a fulsome thanks to my SIL. She was a bridesmaid and her son, 18 months at the time, my little godson, was an undefined person who wore a little outfit and walked down the aisle at my wedding.

I don't know how she did it, but she handled it. She didn't bother me relentlessly with how she was to cope with her child and didn't make it an issue for the rehearsal.

I didn't particularly have any specific expectations but thanks, SIL, for not adding an extra stress before the wedding. Like there isn't enough for the bride to cope with already.

thecatsthecats · 07/08/2023 09:58

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 08:24

Good Luck OP. I don't think you're entitled or any nonsense like that.

I know some toddlers are hard work
in this situation. And some like a miracle will sit quietly. They are pretty much a law unto themselves.

If your SiL hasn't had children I don't think she's really going to understand this. request.

I think you're going to have to take one for the team here. Obviously start with the distractions, snacks, possibly your ( silent) phone otherwise straight out down the side.

You're LO sounds very busy, so even if your OH was next to you, it sounds like she'd be taken out.

I don't think it matters how much the SIL "understands" the request. My child is just a foetus, but I understand it perfectly well.

In fact, forget the baby. Forget the wedding.

  • the OP wants one thing during 40m that would be best and easiest for her.
  • this doesn't fit with the request of the SIL, who wants a different thing to happen during the 40m.
  • there are zero life or death factors in this scenario. OP has alternatives that she does not prefer but are entirely manageable.
  • therefore - yeah, she can handle it. For forty minutes.

It's only babies and weddings that have got people riled up about this one. Take them out, and it's perfectly simple.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 10:15

*I don't think it matters how much the SIL "understands" the request. My child is just a foetus, but I understand it perfectly well.

In fact, forget the baby. Forget the wedding.

• the OP wants one thing during 40m that would be best and easiest for her.
• this doesn't fit with the request of the SIL, who wants a different thing to happen during the 40m.
• there are zero life or death factors in this scenario. OP has alternatives that she does not prefer but are entirely manageable.
• therefore - yeah, she can handle it. For forty minutes.

It's only babies and weddings that have got people riled up about this one. Take them out, and it's perfectly simple.*

Yeah and that's s what I said.

But clearly the OP is feeling anxious about not coping.

Ultimately she's going to have to do it and worst case scenario take the LO out.

The SiL won't get it because it's not on her radar and not her priority AND THATS FINE no need to get in a fluster.

Wenfy · 07/08/2023 10:24

Headphones and a screen - this is how I kept my DS with adhd in one place during my graduation ceremony. You can get some pretty headphones to match her dress. You just have to go for the easiest option and if that doesn’t work sit somewhere where you can take her out unobstrusively

5128gap · 07/08/2023 11:03

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 10:15

*I don't think it matters how much the SIL "understands" the request. My child is just a foetus, but I understand it perfectly well.

In fact, forget the baby. Forget the wedding.

• the OP wants one thing during 40m that would be best and easiest for her.
• this doesn't fit with the request of the SIL, who wants a different thing to happen during the 40m.
• there are zero life or death factors in this scenario. OP has alternatives that she does not prefer but are entirely manageable.
• therefore - yeah, she can handle it. For forty minutes.

It's only babies and weddings that have got people riled up about this one. Take them out, and it's perfectly simple.*

Yeah and that's s what I said.

But clearly the OP is feeling anxious about not coping.

Ultimately she's going to have to do it and worst case scenario take the LO out.

The SiL won't get it because it's not on her radar and not her priority AND THATS FINE no need to get in a fluster.

The point is a lot of women who have or have had small children don't 'get it' either.
We get that keeping a small child happy and not disruptive at a wedding may be challenging. However, those of us who consider the OP U think its not insurmountable, and not too big an ask of the OP to manage without the need for her husband to leave his assigned seat. I did a very similar thing at my SiLs wedding. I was happy to put myself out a little, as it was her day not mine.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 11:08

The point is a lot of women who have or have had small children don't 'get it' either.
We get that keeping a small child happy and not disruptive at a wedding may be challenging. However, those of us who consider the OP U think its not insurmountable, and not too big an ask of the OP to manage without the need for her husband to leave his assigned seat. I did a very similar thing at my SiLs wedding. I was happy to put myself out a little, as it was her day not mine.

And I agree!!!!

SoupDragon · 07/08/2023 11:12

Skinthin · 07/08/2023 09:13

What are you talking about? She’s invited her to wedding including ceremony. Presumably this included cost and other things. She may well have made plenty of other arrangements.
She just wants her DB to stand with the ushers during ceremony and for mum to watch her tot for 40 mins!! Why is everyone acting like that’s so unreasonable. It’s perfectly reasonable. Tot does not need two parents in attendance of her during the ceremony. Simples.

Show quote history

To be fair, according to the OP, the bride wants her brother with the ushers so it looks good in the photos.

5128gap · 07/08/2023 11:15

SoupDragon · 07/08/2023 11:12

To be fair, according to the OP, the bride wants her brother with the ushers so it looks good in the photos.

Show quote history

Yes, and the OP thinks she's wrong to want this, and should instead want herself and the child in the photos. Neither is any more high minded than the other. It's just the OP being presumptuous and the SiL having the right to the final say.

SoupDragon · 07/08/2023 11:39

5128gap · 07/08/2023 11:15

Yes, and the OP thinks she's wrong to want this, and should instead want herself and the child in the photos. Neither is any more high minded than the other. It's just the OP being presumptuous and the SiL having the right to the final say.

Show quote history

I was just responding to the poster I quoted. They seemed aghast that someone had suggested the toddler was only there to look cute in the photos.

I made no comment on the rights and wrongs.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/08/2023 11:44

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 08:07

She's probably having the kid in the wedding party under duress and would just as soon that zero toddlers attend. They aren't as cute as their parents think they are, and that's before the noise and odour factors.

Duress from whom ?

Is this because you said it wasn't brain surgery , but then realised they're 5 hours from home and can't just " hire a sitter " and have gone all quiet on that one. 😂

I didn't realize that, but it's irrelevant. Good hotels always can provide contact information for local sitters, and of course there are agencies.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

GalaApples · 07/08/2023 11:55

YABU and insensitive to think it is OK to take toys and your PHONE to the front in a wedding. The ceremony is about the adults getting married, not about how to amuse your DD. If there is any whiff of trouble, just take her out quietly - please do not be handing out toys, books etc. at the front especially from row to row it sounds very disruptive. The bride's wishes trump these difficulties. Hope it all goes wel.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 12:03

*I didn't realize that, but it's irrelevant. Good hotels always can provide contact information for local sitters, and of course there are agencies.

Where there's a will, there's* a way

Not irrelevant at all. Despite you being the one with the " common sense" you don't seem to realise you can't necessarily " just leave " every toddler with a stranger. Many would kick off and play merry hell. Most probably. Posters have pointed this out.

Even a Brain Surgeon with a toddler might struggle with this despite you knowing better.

But this is a derail.

LaMarschallin · 07/08/2023 12:06

SoupDragon · 07/08/2023 11:12

To be fair, according to the OP, the bride wants her brother with the ushers so it looks good in the photos.

Show quote history

Yes. The OP says

My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

The bride would like to have her brother in the photos. I actually don't think it's unreasonable for a bride to want to have some say about her wedding photos.

And it's certainly not the bride wanting to wheel out a "cute child" for the pictures - it's the OP who says:

would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits?

So, yes, the bride wants her brother in the photos - even if he's just a man dressed in the same colour suit as three others and understands that the OP may have to take DD out.
That really doesn't sound like someone who's being difficult about things just for the look of the photos.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 12:08

Tbh if the bride wants the groomsmen dressed as a row of monkeys and they've agreed . So be it.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 07/08/2023 12:08

Yeah, the one who wants the 'cute child' in the photos (rather than the bride's brother) is the OP.

LaMarschallin · 07/08/2023 12:09

Sorry!
Looks like I've x-posted with 5128gap and you've already answered, SoupDragon.
Slow typing and verbosity are not a good combination.

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