Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

Tbh if the bride wants the groomsmen dressed as a row of monkeys and they've agreed . So be it.

Odd way of putting it - don't lots of men in a wedding party wear matching suits?

But, yes, that's right: so be it. It's the bride's choice.
The SiL isn't asking anything unreasonable and, imo, the OP is just annoyed she hasn't got her own way.

Sigh.

I didn't mean they will look like monkeys, I meant she can have what she wants.

They could be dressed in duck costumes or as clowns.

Her prerogative.

@sunglassesonthetable

You're right to sigh.

I'd just realised what you meant and had just come back and @-ed your name to reply and say "Actually, that's exactly what you meant, wasn't it?".

I sigh at myself

Bah! Even my @sunglassesonthetable didn't work first time.

😉👍🏻

Yabu. And I say that as someone who has kids. I think you're making a massive meal out of sitting with a toddler for a short space of time. There will be other kids there whose parents have to "manage them" - it's not fair to kick up a fuss and repeatedly ask/insist on a special seating arrangement so you can pass your child around. I think most people with a child have had to deal with them in confined spaces like weddings/trains/planes/buses/school parents evenings etc. If you have genuinely never had to do it before and feel anxious, just have a think about where to sit (so maybe do the walk down the aisle then move to a seat where you can pop out with her quickly) and what you can bring (easy non messy snack/a toy etc). She might be ok anyway. My eldest was around 2 when we got married and actually managed to stand near the front quite nicely for the ceremony!!

Massive difference between a plane/train and a wedding. With a train, if your child speaks or makes a sound it's not the end of the world. During a wedding ceremony, you basically need them to be totally silent. It won't happen..whether there's one adult looking after them or five.

This. My DD was the same age at her cousin's christening, I ended up taking he into the Sunday School. I would be worrying too, but I'd probably say to sil that I may have to take her out at some point

ipad and headphones ? would she listen to a cartoon for some of the time?

I’ve done duty as a toddler wrangler, sat on the end of a row a couple of rows back. She had a lovely time pulling apart her flower girl posy to make eco confetti while I collected all the petals into an envelope 😂. I’m sure it will work out.

If your wee one begins to make a fuss to the point it’s distracting away from the service, simply just take her out if it gets too much. At the end of the day, your little one is 19 months, you just do what you have to. However, If your partner isn’t willing to speak to his sister about it, then I think you need to respect her wishes on the matter.

Also, the comments about OP not being able to handle their own child is a bit harsh. I think it’s more a case of anxiety- which I understand.

But honesty op, you don’t need to make it a bigger issue than what it is. If your daughter gets a bit wrestles and stressed (which is understandable as she’s not even two yet!), just step outside.

I managed with my kids (3 year old hell raiser daughter!) at my own wedding with a bit of help from my mum, you’ll be fine. The bride wants her brother in the front row, let her have the day she planned for. Like others say, just nip out if needed. It’s not for long and it’s a big deal for the couple. Thank goodness they didn’t just say ‘no kids’, that’s easy to do so she’s obviously considered things carefully.

When my son was 2 he was ring carrier for husbands brothers wedding. His hearing loss and brain I jury were at that time undiagnosed. He was a handful in those days. I looked after him of course so husband could do his bit as usher. When he didn't settle I took him outside for a walk and a run. Went back in and stood at back when i could. Outside again when needed..normal.stuff at weddings with a little one. You just try to be as discreet as you can and cause as little fuss as possible. Catholic wedding as well so over 2 hours. All fine and dealt with. Normal parenting

I think you're overthinking this. I agree with others that your SIL probably wants her brother to be there with her all the time. He is her brother after all. There'll be people around to help with your DD and if the worse comes to the worst you can always take her outside. It's pretty standard for a little child to have to be taken out during a wedding. Try not to worry too much. Your SIL will be happy you and her niece are there even if you have to pop back in and out.

I don't have a solution for you, but just wanted to jump on to say I swear half the people on Mumsnet these days are just trolls(probably with out kids)!!
Ignore all these people saying you should be able to control your child (massive eye+roll)
There is absolutely no way my son would have sat still and quietly for 40mins at this age and it isn't actually an age appropriate expectation for them to do so!
Not because I can't control him or I don't spend enough time with him or any of the other ridiculous comments on here, but cos 2yr olds aren't designed to do so.
I took my kids all sorts of places as babies, cos they were chilled out kiddos before learning to walk. Like literally baby wore them through shows that were and hour each half but despite that "training" once they started walking, any attempt to keep them sat still would have resulted in a lot of noise! Cos still is not a word in their vocabulary.
Many responders also seem to have missed the part where the bride wanted you in the wedding enough to ask you to be a bridesmaid, so it's reasonable that you would want to see the whole ceremony!

That said ...I assuming there are no side aisles to let the little one wander up and down, as you said you would have to walk back up the centre aisle, so In the circumstances you have described, I think the best thing to do is accept you may have to slip outside of she gets too restless and tell SIL that is what you will do, so there are no unreasonable expectations on the day. And you never know, you may get lucky and she might content herself with people watching...maybe...at least for a good chunk of it. Good luck!

You should not need two parents to supervise a toddler for 40 mins .

I was holding my toddler granddaughter when her parents were getting married. She kicked up a fuss and my daughter calmly took her for part of the ceremony. Then she came back to me and a guest passed his phone with Peppa Pig playing. She was fine then. Just reassuring that things could go wrong but you'll cope.

Sounds like it would be much easier for you to drop out of the wedding party and just attend as a guest. That way you neither have to sit at the front nor worry about having to take your daughter out of the ceremony. Don’t understand why it would be an issue if you did just take her out, once you’ve gone down the isle as a bridesmaid your jobs over.

Most important thing: put your toddler in soft soled shoes. At my brother's wedding no one could hear the vows for the flower girl tap dancing along the church stone altar steps.

@toddle19 I think it’s really tricky keeping a 19 month old still and occupied for 40 mins. However as people have said it’s your husband’s sister and would be better if he was there to witness whole ceremony.
therefore plan for this- ask to sit at side of aisle so you can get out quickly if needed. Take a few quiet toys- spinners, popper fidgets, lift the flap book. A few tissues/juggling scarves shoved in a tissue box. Water pens. Nothing messy or noisy. Buy a few new things as they are always interested in new stuff for longer.
Accept that you may need to leave. Ask at the rehearsal if there are any quiet rooms you could sneak off to.

Yes you are being unreasonable.

I was bridesmaid, my 17 month DD was flower girl & DH was best man at a wedding abroad. As soon as my DD made a peep I made sure to remove my Dd from the ceremony to not disturb the ceremony.

it wasn’t a family wedding so I didn’t have anybody to pass her to but I wouldn’t expect the bride to change things to suit me as I have a child and she doesn’t.

you just need to take her out of the church & let her wander around or play with toys. It’s not the end of the world.

I think you’re being ott. My 1 year old managed a full catholic service for a christening. Yes she was wriggly but it’s literally 40 mins!
Also please dont take toys and snacks to a service, it’s so rude and unnecessary.

I* think you’re being ott. My 1 year old managed a full catholic service for a christening. Yes she was wriggly but it’s literally 40 mins!
Also please dont take toys and snacks to a service, it’s so rude and unnecessary.*

Lots of people don't think it's rude.

This makes perfect sense.

I was thinking this as well.

And was assuming the church has side aisles. If you have to troop a crying child out down the main aisle right during the ceremony, that would be irredeemable.

Woulnd't it be better to bow out, and just you and the child attend as guests?

There's no law that says there have to be an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen.