Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When one partner wants more/any children, but the other doesn't.

153 replies

sadie0108 · 05/08/2023 21:40

AIBU to be upset that my partner basically has the final decision whether we have another child, because I obviously can't force him to have another child, but he can ensure it doesn't happen without me needing to agree?
We have one child just now and are very happy. I would love another and we are in a position (financially etc.) to do so.
I would have hated to grow up as an only child and our family is already very small. Our son has only one cousin, who lives in a different country, so I just keep picturing a very lonely childhood for him.
My husband has gave (what I consider) silly reasons why he doesn't want another child, such as we would need to buy a bigger car. Again, this is something we would be able to do financially.
It goes without saying that I'm heartbroken at the thought of not having another child, but this post is more about me being upset/annoyed that its my husband has all the control in the decision and I have none. Anyone else in this situation?

OP posts:
Marwoodsbigbreak · 05/08/2023 21:41

Why would you need a bigger car?

Meerkatdog · 05/08/2023 21:44

You'll have loads of posters telling you you're being unreasonable and you can't make someone have a child, but I don't think it's as simple as that and I think you have just as much right to have another child as he does to not have one, especially as you only have one. It's quite normal to want a 2 child family and the pain of not being able to have any more is very hard to deal with. He shouldn't want to put you through that.

SensitiveB · 05/08/2023 21:44

Have you or him ever agreed on how many children you’d like? It seems quite a tricky thing to disagree on at this stage of a relationship as means one of you won’t be happy . I’m sorry this sounds tricky

Original poster
sadie0108 · 05/08/2023 21:45

Marwoodsbigbreak · 05/08/2023 21:41

Why would you need a bigger car?

We have a dog as well and we go a lot of trips as a family in the car. The one we've got just now is already a squeeze without another carseat.

OP posts:
IamAlso4eels · 05/08/2023 21:46

How old is your child? If he's very young then it could just be that he's not ready yet and can't imagine having another.

And how old are you both? Young enough to wait for a bit? If so then you could agree to stick a pin in any decision for now and discuss it in, for example, a years time to see if you can agree on whether or not to have another child.

If he doesn't want one and you do then your options are to accept it or end the relationship and have another child without him, either by going it alone or finding a new partner.

It's a difficult position to be in as there isn't a scenario that would please you both. DH didn't want further DC and we agreed to leave the issue alone for six months before deciding anything as our DC were very small and we were very much in the thick of things. Six months later it had all calmed down quite a bit and he did want another at that point.

FoodFann · 05/08/2023 21:47

It might be a shame, but one, you have no guarantee of having another one anyway, and two, would you want the child to have a resentful father who made it very clear he never wanted him? I think you have to focus on the positives of the family you have.

mnahmnah · 05/08/2023 21:48

@sadie0108

I have a mini. Two children. Dog. All our stuff for a 2 week trip in this country. Needing a new car is rubbish.

How old is your DC? My DH was reluctant for a while, worried about space in the house, money, stress of having another etc. Eventually he decided it was time for another, so there is a 5 year gap between ours. It’s always worked great though.

Rathouse · 05/08/2023 21:49

What was the agreement before you had your current DC?

Ghostjail · 05/08/2023 21:49

No one is being unreasonable. He is entitled to not want another child and it is right that he can exercise this right. You are entitled to want to another child and can also exercise your right to have one. But both of your decisions come with consequences. Living with those consequences may be hard but that's life. It's no one's fault.

BatheInTheLight · 05/08/2023 21:49

Presumably the dog doesn't have to sit in a proper seat. Put him in the boot if he's not in there already and whatever is on the seat where the child would have to go, get a roof box. Job, jobbed.

Sure he's other reasons if he's that dead against it? His age/your age, easier to manage one. When I was uming and ahing having a second, someone older and wiser said, you'll never regret having a child. We had the second and I don't, yes it can be tough managing the pair of them, but I love them with every fibre of my being. I will stop at 2 though as I don't fancy wild children outnumbering us! :-) (male here).

PromSeason · 05/08/2023 21:50

In a relationship if either one doesn’t want another child, that’s just how it is. It’s a good thing that individually we get to make that decision. You don’t have to stay in a relationship with him though but obviously you may then only have your existing child 50% of the time.

Did he originally want more children?

Treesandrivers · 05/08/2023 21:50

What did you agree before marriage?

Ghostjail · 05/08/2023 21:51

I think that lots and lots of people regret having a second child. Lots of people regret having any children. There is probably nothing sadder than a child who feels the weight of a parent's regret and resentment.

donkra · 05/08/2023 21:58

someone older and wiser said, you'll never regret having a child.

Why do people trot this out?

Lots of people regret having a child "too many" (or "one more" pregnancy that turns out to be multiples).
Lots of people regret having children, period.

IamAlso4eels · 05/08/2023 21:59

Treesandrivers · 05/08/2023 21:50

What did you agree before marriage?

That's totally irrelevant. Barely anyone I know has decided pre-marriage how many children to have and of those who did discuss it, all of them changed their mind and wanted either more or less than they initially did because - shocker - people change.

donkra · 05/08/2023 22:01

IamAlso4eels · 05/08/2023 21:59

That's totally irrelevant. Barely anyone I know has decided pre-marriage how many children to have and of those who did discuss it, all of them changed their mind and wanted either more or less than they initially did because - shocker - people change.

Show quote history

And situations change, and the reality of pregnancy and children rarely turns out much like the not-yet-childed expect, for good or ill.

CoffeeBean5 · 05/08/2023 22:03

What car do you have? Most couples with 2 children can fit 2 car seats in the back of their car. The dog can go in the boot. How old are you and DH and how old is your child? If you're all young then the time might be right in a couple of years. Bit of an issue if you and DH are older parents though as time is not on your side.

Ghostjail · 05/08/2023 22:05

The car is a ridiculous red herring. He doesn't want another child. He's being asked why? He might not even know why so he's coming up with excuses.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 05/08/2023 22:12

Swap the dog for a smaller one.

BatheInTheLight · 05/08/2023 22:12

donkra · 05/08/2023 21:58

someone older and wiser said, you'll never regret having a child.

Why do people trot this out?

Lots of people regret having a child "too many" (or "one more" pregnancy that turns out to be multiples).
Lots of people regret having children, period.

I think it would be pretty accurate to say that most people find parenting tough at times but they'd never go so far as to say they regretted having a child. I think to actually admit that says more about the individual than the child.

TookTheBook · 05/08/2023 22:14

This is tough without knowing the age of your child. We were not ready to even consider having another until DC1 was 18 months old. Worried it was all a mistake and couldn't imagine having another. Then boom, realised yes, we would like another (and did).

Original poster
sadie0108 · 05/08/2023 22:15

We're mid thirties, so I kind of feel like it's now or never. Our son is 2.

Lots of people focusing on whether the car is too small or not, but I did say it was a silly reason he had given. (Although it's a large dog that takes up most of the boot, so buggy and luggage if we're staying away, go in the back, leaving no room for another car seat).

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 05/08/2023 22:16

I mean, what's the alternative, OP?

You can't force someone to have a child that they don't want.

You aren't unreasonable for wanting another child but he isn't unreasonable either.

limons · 05/08/2023 22:17

Because forcing/coercing/pressuring a spouse into having a child is on a different scale to denying a spouse an additional child. You can walk away from him and find another willing partner, but a child is irreversible, and it impacts the child too.

I'm not saying it's easy, or fair, and I hugely empathise, but this is why the parent who doesn't want a child has to trump the parent who does. It's not an easy choice, but it is then on you to decide what you want to do next.

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2023 22:19

someone older and wiser said, you'll never regret having a child

No, someone really stupid said that.