Page 6 | When one partner wants more/any children, but the other doesn't.

sadie0108 · 2023-08-05T20:40:20+00:00

AIBU to be upset that my partner basically has the final decision whether we have another child, because I obviously can't force him to have another child, but he can ensure it doesn't happen without me needing to agree? We have one child just now and are very happy. I would love another and we are in a position (financially etc.) to do so. I would have hated to grow up as an only child and our family is already very small. Our son has only one cousin, who lives in a different country, so I just keep picturing a very lonely childhood for him. My husband has gave (what I consider) silly reasons why he doesn't want another child, such as we would need to buy a bigger car. Again, this is something we would be able to do financially. It goes without saying that I'm heartbroken at the thought of not having another child, but this post is more about me being upset/annoyed that its my husband has all the control in the decision and I have none. Anyone else in this situation?

WantingToEducate · 09/08/2023 10:57

I think when women say I they want a sibling for their current child it is just one of the reasons they want a baby, not the sole reason.

I can’t imagine any woman who doesn’t want a baby would have one and tie herself to all the responsibilities of it just because she wants to prove a sibling for a
child she already has.

A lot of women on MN feel very strongly about not having a second child and wouldn’t change their mind just so their first child isn’t “lonely”.

Like I said there are many reasons a woman may want a second child but the reason of “to provide a sibling” is the ones that’s trotted out the most.

Plus, if the sole purpose of babies were to “provide a sibling” then why would anyone have their first child?

Giving my son a sibling was a very big factor in wanting a second child but it certainly wasn’t the only one.

Beezknees · 09/08/2023 14:28

HotSince82 · 08/08/2023 20:22

Well you can't really disagree with my lived experience, which is what forms my opinion.

Your opinion differs based upon your experience;

I'm sincerely really pleased that yours has been better.

Show quote history

I'm not disagreeing with your lived experiences, I am disagreeing with the part where you said it's selfish not to give a child a sibling. There are far too many variables to make such a silly statement.

HotSince82 · 11/08/2023 23:26

Beezknees · 09/08/2023 14:28

I'm not disagreeing with your lived experiences, I am disagreeing with the part where you said it's selfish not to give a child a sibling. There are far too many variables to make such a silly statement.

Show quote history

It is indeed selfish to deny your child a familial relationship if you, yourself have had the benefit of it.

You deny them nieces and nephews, not simply a sibling.

You deny them another person on this earth with whom to share a childhood, who cares about your parents in the same way that you do.

As an only child, once your parents are gone, in the absence of close aunts, uncles, cousins etc there eisteddfod nobody with whom to reminisce about your childhood.

If you have never been in such a situation I can appreciate that it may be difficult to imagine the feeling of loneliness it might bring...

But its not a silly statement. Your attempt to diminish my perspective is rather ignorant, no matter how much I can empathise with your lack of perspective.

SemperIdem · 11/08/2023 23:50

HotSince82 · 11/08/2023 23:26

It is indeed selfish to deny your child a familial relationship if you, yourself have had the benefit of it.

You deny them nieces and nephews, not simply a sibling.

You deny them another person on this earth with whom to share a childhood, who cares about your parents in the same way that you do.

As an only child, once your parents are gone, in the absence of close aunts, uncles, cousins etc there eisteddfod nobody with whom to reminisce about your childhood.

If you have never been in such a situation I can appreciate that it may be difficult to imagine the feeling of loneliness it might bring...

But its not a silly statement. Your attempt to diminish my perspective is rather ignorant, no matter how much I can empathise with your lack of perspective.

Show quote history

You seem to be projecting anger at a random poster, rather than at your parents, the ones who denied you a sibling.

HotSince82 · 11/08/2023 23:56

SemperIdem · 11/08/2023 23:50

You seem to be projecting anger at a random poster, rather than at your parents, the ones who denied you a sibling.

Show quote history

I'm not so much angry as regretful, as is my mum who wanted four children but had undiagnosed Hughes syndrome and lost many pregnancies.

I've no reason to be angry at anybody.

It's a shit situation and I'd simply urge any person planning a family not to discount the importance of having a sibling; whether you are particularly close or not - they are a tie to your parents, a link to your shared history. Hopefully a friend and mutual support in to adulthood and your parents' old age.

Rathouse · 12/08/2023 15:29

@HotSince82 I've not read all your posts, just the last one upthread. My mum is 1 of 3 and she is the only one who bothers to run around when the shit hits the fan for her mum. I know this isn't unique either usually out of a group of siblings it's mainly 1 that is left with the burden of looking after their parents in old age.

Ghostjail · 12/08/2023 17:07

HotSince82 · 11/08/2023 23:26

It is indeed selfish to deny your child a familial relationship if you, yourself have had the benefit of it.

You deny them nieces and nephews, not simply a sibling.

You deny them another person on this earth with whom to share a childhood, who cares about your parents in the same way that you do.

As an only child, once your parents are gone, in the absence of close aunts, uncles, cousins etc there eisteddfod nobody with whom to reminisce about your childhood.

If you have never been in such a situation I can appreciate that it may be difficult to imagine the feeling of loneliness it might bring...

But its not a silly statement. Your attempt to diminish my perspective is rather ignorant, no matter how much I can empathise with your lack of perspective.

Show quote history

This is not the reality of multiple children for many families.

Ilovealido · 12/08/2023 17:11

Parky04 · 05/08/2023 22:33

Get divorced, find another partner, and have another child - simple!

Eh?!!!

Ilovealido · 12/08/2023 17:20

HotSince82 · 11/08/2023 23:56

I'm not so much angry as regretful, as is my mum who wanted four children but had undiagnosed Hughes syndrome and lost many pregnancies.

I've no reason to be angry at anybody.

It's a shit situation and I'd simply urge any person planning a family not to discount the importance of having a sibling; whether you are particularly close or not - they are a tie to your parents, a link to your shared history. Hopefully a friend and mutual support in to adulthood and your parents' old age.

Show quote history

I’m sorry about your experience but I don’t think it’s very fair to say that parents of only children are selfish. Some people only want one & they are entitled to that decision & shouldn’t be made to feel guilty because of your experience. There are people that have a sibling that wish they didn’t! You know what, life isn’t fair!

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2023 17:20

HotSince82 · 11/08/2023 23:26

It is indeed selfish to deny your child a familial relationship if you, yourself have had the benefit of it.

You deny them nieces and nephews, not simply a sibling.

You deny them another person on this earth with whom to share a childhood, who cares about your parents in the same way that you do.

As an only child, once your parents are gone, in the absence of close aunts, uncles, cousins etc there eisteddfod nobody with whom to reminisce about your childhood.

If you have never been in such a situation I can appreciate that it may be difficult to imagine the feeling of loneliness it might bring...

But its not a silly statement. Your attempt to diminish my perspective is rather ignorant, no matter how much I can empathise with your lack of perspective.

Show quote history

OK my brother and I don't reminisce, he doesn't have children so there are no nieces and nephews, when my dad was sick I did everything and it's a shared childhood where he tried to beat me to a bloody pulp whenever he could and I genuinely thought he might kill me.

Your attempt to diminish MY perspective is rather ignorant,

HotSince82 · 12/08/2023 21:08

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2023 17:20

OK my brother and I don't reminisce, he doesn't have children so there are no nieces and nephews, when my dad was sick I did everything and it's a shared childhood where he tried to beat me to a bloody pulp whenever he could and I genuinely thought he might kill me.

Your attempt to diminish MY perspective is rather ignorant,

Show quote history

I'm sorry your brother is an arse.

You at least had a 50% chance that he wouldn't be.

SemperIdem · 12/08/2023 21:48

@HotSince82 I understand your perspective better following your post.

The thing with siblings is, there is no guarantee they will be close. I know you wish for the shared bond and cache of memories but it so often doesn’t exist within families. Or if it does, not happily so.

I know more adult siblings who are not close, than who are. Variety of ages, from the elderly with surviving siblings downwards. It is sad, really because the general idea is it is not going to be that way.

HotSince82 · 12/08/2023 22:17

Thank you,

Its difficult as my DH has five siblings, close to all of them and when I was growing up in the nineties all my friends had close sibling relationships.

I'm not wholly naive, I know many don't get along with or feel supported/kinship/bonded with their siblings.

However I think its better to at least had a 50% chance of a good relationship than to have been absolutely denied even that.

On a happier note, I have five DC, we are on holiday at the moment and the nicest thing in my life is witnessing their relationships. They adore each other, silly squabbles notwithstanding.
I'm so pleased I was able to give them what I never had. My mum is so pleased to have so many DGC. She thanked me for them on the h
Journey here, earlier today and is honestly like a third parent to them...

So mine isn't a tale of woe. However it does make me want to warn against only childhood unless it's necessary, which it can be for many reasons, health/finances etc.

SemperIdem · 12/08/2023 22:50

@HotSince82

I do mull over my daughter being an only, often. Though in recent years she has had step siblings, that comes with it’s own worries on my part about her being on the outside looking in, always. For now they all seem to get along well and hopefully that continues throughout their lives. It was circumstance that has kept her an only, rather than health.

Your holiday with your family sounds wonderful, I hope you’re all having the best time 😊

HotSince82 · 12/08/2023 23:06

@SemperIdem honestly I'd have loved even stepsiblings. My parents used to Foster and I would latch on to that foster sibling title for dear life!

I'm sure your daughter will be absolutely fine, I am fine. I guess I was always just envious and regretful. Not helped by the fact that my mum would have obviously liked more DC too..

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry for being so blunt earlier.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2023 00:00

However I think its better to at least had a 50% chance of a good relationship than to have been absolutely denied even that.

It's incredibly dismissive to say things like this. You think the grass is greener. And the chance i worth it. But for me it absolutely wasn't. I know several people whose lives are much much worse because of siblings, mine included.

But I don't go around telling people not to have a second child. So please stop telling people they are selfish for having onlies.

Ilovealido · 13/08/2023 00:20

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2023 00:00

However I think its better to at least had a 50% chance of a good relationship than to have been absolutely denied even that.

It's incredibly dismissive to say things like this. You think the grass is greener. And the chance i worth it. But for me it absolutely wasn't. I know several people whose lives are much much worse because of siblings, mine included.

But I don't go around telling people not to have a second child. So please stop telling people they are selfish for having onlies.

Agree with this. Also it’s all very well to say that if circumstances allow you should have a 2nd but whether you have an only by choice or circumstance the results are the same. I think you should be careful about extrapolating your specific set of circumstances to others. Also without wanting to get too personal very few people can afford to have five children nor it is environmentally a good option. That’s why so many now are sticking with one/ none these days.

Beezknees · 13/08/2023 06:43

HotSince82 · 11/08/2023 23:26

It is indeed selfish to deny your child a familial relationship if you, yourself have had the benefit of it.

You deny them nieces and nephews, not simply a sibling.

You deny them another person on this earth with whom to share a childhood, who cares about your parents in the same way that you do.

As an only child, once your parents are gone, in the absence of close aunts, uncles, cousins etc there eisteddfod nobody with whom to reminisce about your childhood.

If you have never been in such a situation I can appreciate that it may be difficult to imagine the feeling of loneliness it might bring...

But its not a silly statement. Your attempt to diminish my perspective is rather ignorant, no matter how much I can empathise with your lack of perspective.

Show quote history

I am an only child, as I stated previously. I could not care less about having nieces or nephews. I only have one relative who I am close to, and that's my mum.

If you're going to make a blanket statement calling people selfish then you need to accept other people disagreeing with you. My mum only had one child because that was right for her, and I think the selfish thing is expecting people to have children that they don't want. Maybe consider therapy for the bitterness you're carrying round, it's not healthy.

ValancyRedfern · 14/08/2023 21:46

I amcurrently on holiday with family with 3 dc and I am so so happy to have an only, as is dd! The endless squabbling takes me right back to my childhood as the youngest of three and I'm so happy dd doesn't have to argue every day of her life. There are pros and cons to every family set up.

CanIExtend · 14/08/2023 22:13

sadie0108 · 05/08/2023 22:15

We're mid thirties, so I kind of feel like it's now or never. Our son is 2.

Lots of people focusing on whether the car is too small or not, but I did say it was a silly reason he had given. (Although it's a large dog that takes up most of the boot, so buggy and luggage if we're staying away, go in the back, leaving no room for another car seat).

This worries me so maybe you need a bigger car anyway. Is the buggy/luggage secured or could it land on your DC if the worst were to happen and you had an accident? If the car rolled the luggage/buggy could end up crushing DC

CherryGarcia23 · 14/11/2023 13:41

A friend is going through a slightly similar issue. Husband wants / demanding a 3rd child from her, she doesn't want one. She had 2 C-Sections and was left without any help from husband, it's caused her a bit of trauma, unstandlabe really.

The person who doesn't want a child gets the final say.

The thing with your situation is your husband isn't being honest with his reasons, try to get to the bottom of that as needing a bigger car isn't a reason, mayby for the 3rd or 4th, not for a 2nd.

myotherkidisacassowary · 14/11/2023 13:53

I really feel for you. In these threads people always make this quick throwaway comment about how ‘you can’t force him, you need to get divorced if you want another baby’ which is so unhelpful. You don’t want to start over and have another baby with another man, you want to add to your current family with your current partner.

As you say, you can’t force him - but that doesn’t magically stop it being painful and difficult for you to come to terms with. I hope you’re able to find peace with the situation.

bookworm14 · 14/11/2023 14:15

This thread is from August.

OutsideLookingOut · 14/11/2023 14:17

CherryGarcia23 · 14/11/2023 13:41

A friend is going through a slightly similar issue. Husband wants / demanding a 3rd child from her, she doesn't want one. She had 2 C-Sections and was left without any help from husband, it's caused her a bit of trauma, unstandlabe really.

The person who doesn't want a child gets the final say.

The thing with your situation is your husband isn't being honest with his reasons, try to get to the bottom of that as needing a bigger car isn't a reason, mayby for the 3rd or 4th, not for a 2nd.

Just have to say this is absolutely hideous of him. A woman should never be guilted into sacrificing her health that way

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 14/11/2023 14:32

It’s not really about the benefits vs disadvantages of having or being an only child. It’s fine if you yourself don’t want a second one. The point is that OP desperately wants a second child. I’m sure many people can relate to the feeling of desperately wanting a child. I remember how desperately I wanted a second child. It was all I wanted, at the time. If my husband hadn’t been on the same page I’m not sure our marriage would have survived.

It’s a very difficult situation. I have no solutions, just empathy. Sorry OP. I hope he changes his mind.