When one partner wants more/any children, but the other doesn't.

[sadie0108]

AIBU to be upset that my partner basically has the final decision whether we have another child, because I obviously can't force him to have another child, but he can ensure it doesn't happen without me needing to agree?
We have one child just now and are very happy. I would love another and we are in a position (financially etc.) to do so.
I would have hated to grow up as an only child and our family is already very small. Our son has only one cousin, who lives in a different country, so I just keep picturing a very lonely childhood for him.
My husband has gave (what I consider) silly reasons why he doesn't want another child, such as we would need to buy a bigger car. Again, this is something we would be able to do financially.
It goes without saying that I'm heartbroken at the thought of not having another child, but this post is more about me being upset/annoyed that its my husband has all the control in the decision and I have none. Anyone else in this situation?

YANBU to be upset. Would you and DH consider marriage guidance counselling so you can talk about your feelings in a safe space?

Why is that irresponsible? It wasn’t suggested she has an ‘oops’.

If the man doesn’t want to procreate why is it the woman’s responsibility to ensure it doesn’t happen? He’s her partner not her dependent.

If they remain together, then the conversation of sterilisation should happen.
Not "I'm going to stop taking my birth control because I want a baby, deal with it".

Its very complex. I personally couldn't of lived without haven't at least one DC. However, it depends on your age also. I was 20 and I would of ended my relationship instantly if my ex didn't want kids. I think some people genuinely change there minds though its so difficult I can understand someone wanting baby no2. However if you agreed kids before marriage and you wanted to stick at 2 this is where it gets complex because you "agreed". I also agree with you too that it does seem that people don't discuss kids or the idea of wanting them and how many quite enough.

Well, it's a silly idea to get pregnant with someone who doesn't want a baby, so I'd use contraception for that reason alone. It's not fair on the potential child.

How is it disturbing? There's something I desperately want and another person has the sole say on whether I get it or not. Of course I feel a lack of control. It's a normal human feeling.

I find it really sad, the number of comments I've had saying I can get what I want by leaving my husband. What I want is to have another child with my husband, so no, I can't get what I want by leaving.

I've also never once said that I'm trying to force or trick him into having another child. In fact, I even mentioned I know a sure fire way that would get him to change his mind, but I would never contemplate doing it.

It means that if he doesn't end up changing his mind, it's me that has to deal with coming to terms with something so big, while he can carry on as normal. I know this is not his fault and I don't blame him, but surely its okay that I feel upset about it?

I think I'll look into councilling like has been suggested. Thank you

Counselling is a good step forward. Being upset about it is perfectly normal. You see your family a certain way, even in your mind. Now it suddenly changes and it feels like grief and loss. That impact is hard to get over.

If you can try and go together?
Hopefully you can come up with a solution together. You might get to the root of why your family image looks one way and why DH looks another and after counselling it could change again. DH might find counselling changes his mind and wants another child after hearing your reasons. As someone mentioned up thread, some men think women are driven by wanting kids and can be fine with just one not realising how much of a big deal it can be. He might not know how much this truly means to you.

I'm sorry if some of my responses came across harsh, I was unwanted by my dad. I was his 3rd. Tricked into it by my mam. She wanted to keep him (he had kids from a previous relationship, went on to have more too). It sometimes clouds my judgment. I also have two myself who hate each other, parented the same, same dad with a 5 year age gap. I went on to have a second child because I was bombarded with "having one child is mean, they will be lonely".

Why would she be doing all the work if he agreed to a second? It is a partnership.

Did you discuss the idea of having children at all, or just assume you were on the same page?

I’m sorry for your situation. But if you had had a sibling, there is no guarantee that they would be the kind of support you envisage. Not all siblings want to help care for their parents and are only too willing to leave it all to others.

Jeeze, can you imagine having to go through all the shit and hassle of bringing up a child, that you never wanted in the first place. And your partner knowing that.

I'm also an only child and I disagree completely.

I think your husband is being a selfish dick forcing your child to grow up without siblings when you can easily afford another child.

My brother made my childhood miserable and is trying currently to do the same to my middle age.

DD is a happy healthy only.

I'm an only as well and I couldn't possibly disagree more, too.

There's a lot of assumptions in the argument that a child needs a sibling. It assumes they will play nicely and get on, it assumes they'll not fight like cat and dog, and that they are a positive dynamic in the household .

There's a lot of terrible sibling relationships out there as well as many who get on but aren't close. There's nothing to say that two siblings who get on will be on the same page about caring for elderly parents.

I would have gone for an 'ooops' if my DH had thwarted my desire for another child. I don't care whether it's a shit thing to do but why would any woman continue with contraception when she wants to be pregnant? If the man doesn't then take responsibility, that's on him!

For the first few years of our marriage, we weren't interested in having children. Turning 30 (and qualifying for maternity leave in my job) changed things. We still weren't that invested in my getting pregnant after trying unsuccessfully for years and undergoing fertility treatment (short of IVF but it was on the cards for a bit) I became consumed. When DC1 was born, I would cheerfully have left hospital pregnant again! DC2 was born less than 2 years later.

I was worried that DH wouldn't want a 3rd but he was onboard with it, but I had two miscarriages. After each one I was afraid he wouldn't want to go through it again but thankfully he did and we had DC3.

Our kids are all grown up now and sometimes fight like cat and dog, but other times they have the most lovely relationship. They collaborate and do stuff together - like the elder two will go shopping with the youngest to help them pick out clothes. They have such a laugh together too - the relationship between them is beautiful to see and I hope it continues this way.

I have a good relationship and regular contact with 2 of my three siblings. The other is equally balanced; chips on both shoulders!!

It is not like one person wants an active holiday and the other relaxing or someone other difference

It is creating life, there is enough unwanted children around the world without adding to it 'but waaaaaah I want a baby!!!'

Think of all the people alive today who complain about their parents and how they are treated.

When I told my midwife that I wanted another after this one, but my husband didn't she said 'could you not do a "woops"?' Yes, but if I then get sick with postnatal depression I would just feel so guilty and irresponsible.

Really wish I could gave an actual, unplanned contraceptive failure, though!

Jesus Christ. I'll tell all my childless married friends that their marriages are meaningless then!! What a load of rubbish.

I think the only child argument is nonsense. A child should only have a sibling if the parents want more than one child. It's easy enough to encourage friendships or relationships with cousins etc. Only children benefit from undivided parental attention too, and all day trips holidays etc can be planned with their needs in mind.

Ours are adopted. We had our first for almost 6 years before the second arrived. We really wanted a second but ended up waiting a long while for a placement. While we have never regretted having two, the second placement had a major impact on our one-child family lifestyle that took a lot of adapting to!

Also they have never really got on - total opposites in almost every way and as they got older, seemed to deliberately not agree with each other's choices - activities, films, food choices etc. Shopping with both but only one adult was something I avoided when at all possible.

Obviously adopted kids from different families are less likely to be similar than most children, but one of my family members, for example, loathes their sibling and vice versa, to the extent that when the sibling was unwell with a possibly fatal illness, they refused to visit them.

Personally I have two siblings who mean a great deal to me, but it doesn't work like that for everyone.

I do understand the yearning for another child though. For a long time it seemed as if we wouldnt get a second and I felt our family would be forever incomplete. At marriage I would have wanted 3 but the complexities of adoption and being that much older by the time we got round to going through the process, made that seem definitely too much for us.

OP - I think people are completely sympathetic to your feelings around desperately wanting another child. I just think a lot of people are picking up on your feelings about it all being out of your control. It really isn't. People have to make choices and decisions everyday that they would rather not have to make and this is one of those times. You know that you DO have the control, the power and the choice to have another child but it would not be with your husband. You are exercising your control and power by choosing not to do this because you have weighed up the pros and cons. In this situation it is because you don't have a willing mate, but for many people it is because of their age, or their finances, or disability etc.

Perhaps framing yourself as an active agent in this situation will help you come to terms with it.

Yes that must be very frustrating. Is this a new thing from him? Some people don’t enjoy parenthood and if he’s one of those you might be stuck, but you need to have a proper conversation with him - and couples counselling if necessary.

This is an excellent post. OP I think it might help you to focus on the fact that no-one is fully in control of their own life. We all have difficult choices and compromises to make based on what life throws at us. Life has given you a husband and child who you love, but unfortunately for you that husband doesn't want another child and you do. I think counselling might help you work out if you can stay with him and cope with the resentment, or if you want to leave in the hope you might have the chance to have a second DC.

Well you can't really disagree with my lived experience, which is what forms my opinion.

Your opinion differs based upon your experience;

I'm sincerely really pleased that yours has been better.