When one partner wants more/any children, but the other doesn't.

[sadie0108]

AIBU to be upset that my partner basically has the final decision whether we have another child, because I obviously can't force him to have another child, but he can ensure it doesn't happen without me needing to agree?
We have one child just now and are very happy. I would love another and we are in a position (financially etc.) to do so.
I would have hated to grow up as an only child and our family is already very small. Our son has only one cousin, who lives in a different country, so I just keep picturing a very lonely childhood for him.
My husband has gave (what I consider) silly reasons why he doesn't want another child, such as we would need to buy a bigger car. Again, this is something we would be able to do financially.
It goes without saying that I'm heartbroken at the thought of not having another child, but this post is more about me being upset/annoyed that its my husband has all the control in the decision and I have none. Anyone else in this situation?

Personally and very possibly a very unpopular opinion on MN;

I find it very selfish to deny a child a sibling relationship if you have had the benefit of one.

I'm an only child. I'm now forty and navigating a widowed mum in rather poor health who is now my sole responsibility.
I love her so much and she is a lovely mum and grandmother but she is going to have to live with me very soon and ther eis nobody to share my worries and sadness with.

Me neither. We have five.

Did you speak about how many children you planned to have before your LO came along?

Obviously you cannot force your DP to have another child but his reasons are ridiculous and I think your reasons for having another one outweighs his reasons for not.

Is he an only child?
If not is he close to his siblings?

I know couples who’ve been in a similar situation where both the man or woman wants another and they get one because the one that wants another one agrees to do everything for that child.
They both end up loving the new child but the person who didn’t want another doesn’t feel like they need to be a SAHM or anything.

Could you ask him what would need to happen for him to consider it?
Could you compromise and reduce or increase your hours?

If you have a dog and like to do car journeys I’d be looking at one of those vans with seats in the back that turn into a bed.
He may like that.

My DD is an only child and we have a small family too and she doesn’t see her dad or any of his side and I do feel very guilty that she doesn’t have a sibling to grow up with.

What did you discuss/agree before you married?

@nolamesallowed

Nice

That's sarcasm, right?

That's irrelevant, honestly. Everyone is entitled to change their mind, especially about something as massive as having children.

Exactly this.

Many, many people regret having a child and even more regret having more than one. The third seems to be the usual tipping balance, actually.

I was in your position. I had two and really wanted a third. Dh didn’t, but did agree to have another as he knew I would hate him if he said no. I didn’t threaten him, but he knew how I felt. Also I think it was also because he knew I would say no to getting a dog if he said no to a baby.

I was in your position. We had a lot of heart to hearts and did eventually have another. You both have to be completely honest and it doesn't sound like he is being if he is using reasons like a car. Like you I wouldn't have left my husband but I don't think he realised just how much it felt completely 'right' to me to have another and how I felt our family wasn't finished and how much I'd felt like he had pulled the rug out from under me (we'd always spoken about having 'children' not 'a child') and how I knew I'd come to terms with it but I was worried there would be some lingering resentment on my side and there would definitely be a period of grieving which would be difficult for us to get through without blame etc.

He spoke about his reasons for not wanting another, which were all actually valid, and we talked about how we would overcome them (to some extent, but it's always going to be a challenging couple of years with a baby and a pre schooler and it did put a strain on our relationship, as he predicted, and maybe i should have taken his concerns on board more). It was some of the hardest and most frank conversations we've ever had to have and it's such a difficult decision as unlike lots of other things in life, there is no compromise.

Unfortunately yes. But it's not him winning vs you winning, it's the person who says "no" gets the casting vote. For DH and I that would apply in anything, not his view taking precedence over mine but a thing doesn't happen unless we are both happy with it.

FWIW I have 2 children and while it's nice to have a family of 4, they aren't companions to each other like you might imagine. I think the onlies I know whose parents get down and play with them, watch their favourite TV programmes with them, built Minecraft bases with them, invite the odd friend on a day out or sleepover really have a lovely life.

You have a choice. You leave and find (hope) you find someone else who wants a child with you. Neither of you have the right to force your views on each other. He has stated, quite clearly, he doesn't want another child, whether you think his reasons are silly is not the point. You are stating, quite clearly, you do want another child. So in order for you both to have what you want, you leave the relationship. You can't force someone to have a child, or not.

@WeeWillyWinkie9

Wrong . Fertility DOES wane with age. Where on earth did you get that it doesn't??. Fertility decreases gradually UNTIL menopause.

Yeah yanbu for venting about this.
You have just as much right (In theory) to insist on having a 2nd child as he has to insist on not having one.
Maybe if you were insisting on a 3rd or 4th but it's quite reasonable to feel pissed off for being denied a 2nd child.

It's really not - been married for 33 years and we never discussed how many children we'd have, and we'd been together for 12 years, married for 5, when we had our first. We just winged it!! Ended up with 3!

Are you seriously needing a new car with 1 child and a dog. I have 4 and 3 have car seats in back then I have my Labrador in the back and when we holiday then the bags pile up around us lol

Car is not the issue here - as someone else said it’s a red herring.
DH and I always thought we’d have more than 1. But after the first he wanted to stop there, he didn’t have the headspace for another- whereas I really wanted more. Ultimately very happy we didn’t have more. We have a lovely life.

This has happened often in my friendship circle and I would say it's less of an issue when one wants 2 and the other 3 (in all my friends case it's the man that wants 2 and the woman that wants 3). Friends have agreed to two and only now and then wish they had more, but feel happy with their two.

However, to my friends who only have 1 b/c other parent won't agree to second, there's a lot of resentment. I think b/c it feels like they aren't just doing it to their partner but also to their child who now has no siblings. I have 3 friends in this situation and it's put a real strain on their marriage. I have other friends who've gone on to have another (intentional or not) and it's all worked out fine. Not that I'm saying that should happen, just that it did and they got through it and now have two very doted on dc.

I had very few deal breakers - for me it was must have more than one child. Truth is it was at least 3, but I would have compromised on 2/3 for the right partner, but only wanting one was a deal breaker.

I'd sit down with him and write down every pro/con and then look at what are the ones that really matter vs which ones are about convenience/small manageable things. I do wonder if your partner is coming up with small/silly reasons b/c the truth is they just don't want another.

I'm an only child that never wanted siblings. I planned to have two or three with my husband but had a terrible time of it during pregnancy and birth so only had one. I am actually glad now that we stopped at one, as we have had many opportunities left open to us (emigrating for example) that would have been much more difficult and expensive with more kids. My son has also never wanted siblings (he knows he has it good!). In your case, both parents need to want another child, that's just how it works. Unless you want to go it alone you need to respect his wishes.

The "no" always prevails. Rightfully so.

I found it was possible to argue/talk somebody into a second child on this basis - just too much weight and expectation on that only child. Much more difficult when if comes to number three. Think you just have to accept when the other person wants to stop at 2.

This is why families in countries with reliable contraception tend to be small. It takes 2 to decide to have more children, one to decide to stop.

This. Your choice OP.

In a situation like this the wants of the person not wanting another child should win. Sorry OP. He has every right to change his mind at any time, just as you do.

All the posts that we see day in, day out of women saying their partners aren't interested in being dad's, they dunno what happened etc your DP/DH is telling you they don't want another DC, so don't force the issue, don't pressure them. Learn to accept it for your other child's sake or find someone to have another DC with.

Also I think we see more women regretting having more kids than not having kids (especially now with the cost of the cost of living crisis, being unable to have stable, long term work/housing, not knowing which crisis we are heading into next)

OP, he doesn’t need a reason beyond not wanting one. Doesn’t matter whether he always wanted one or used to want 6 and changed his mind when he found out what parenting is like.

I can't agree with this.

In a healthy, loving marriage, meeting the needs of both partners should be important.

So if OP really wants a 2nd baby, and her DH equally doesn't, then both need to be open to discussing the matter, understanding the other's viewpoint & seeking help via counselling or similar to reach an agreed position.

It's far more nuanced than 'the person who doesn't want more children gets to decide'.

I really feel for women who want more children but their DH/DP doesn't - the idea you can leave & find someone else to have a baby with is a trite suggestion and ignores the fact that the woman presumably loves her DH & wants to keep her family intact.

And as to reasons, absolutely he should have more than just 'not wanting one'. If the person you love is devastated by that decision, you'd better have very good reasons to support how you feel.