When one partner wants more/any children, but the other doesn't.

[sadie0108]

AIBU to be upset that my partner basically has the final decision whether we have another child, because I obviously can't force him to have another child, but he can ensure it doesn't happen without me needing to agree?
We have one child just now and are very happy. I would love another and we are in a position (financially etc.) to do so.
I would have hated to grow up as an only child and our family is already very small. Our son has only one cousin, who lives in a different country, so I just keep picturing a very lonely childhood for him.
My husband has gave (what I consider) silly reasons why he doesn't want another child, such as we would need to buy a bigger car. Again, this is something we would be able to do financially.
It goes without saying that I'm heartbroken at the thought of not having another child, but this post is more about me being upset/annoyed that its my husband has all the control in the decision and I have none. Anyone else in this situation?

I think if my ex husband had been in control of finances/the main earner like I am he would have insisted we stop at one. As it is he didn't really have much of an argument since I earned all the money and did 99% of the parenting. I think if you are on an equal footing in terms of financial contribution to the family and what you contribute to the physical and mental load of parenting then it should absolutely be a joint decision how many children you have. The problem comes when one - usually the man - earns more and therefore he has an immediate response in that you can't afford it. And really you can't argue whether he is wrong or not if you are the lower earner / stay at home parent / take a year off on maternity and don't have the full details of what your family costs to support or indeed carry the weight of responsibility to pay for it

And when he feels pressured into giving the OP another child because she simply WANTS one and decides later on down the line he can't handle that, regrets his choice, carves a new life for himself and leaves he's slated for it.

I used to be in this situation.

Prior to having our first child we both agreed that we’d only have one (for various reasons) and we were both happy with that.

However about a year after our son’s birth the craving for a second started to creep in. I really didn’t want my child to be an only child, which was a driving factor, but I also simply wanted another child.

When I first bought it up with my husband he initially laughed it off but the more I mentioned it he could see I was being serious. He remained adamant that he didn’t want another and that life was good with just one child and I was so upset. I resented the fact that he had the say, and the power to decide something so important and stop me from having something I really wanted.

I continued to bring it up again every few months and then one day, something tragic happened at work, involving the death of a child, and when I got home I cried on my husband’s shoulder for ages and due to the nature of the topic, the discussion around us having another baby came up again.

This time, although he still wasn’t 100% on board, he said he could see how important it was to me and he agreed to trying for baby number 2.

I got pregnant straight away but sadly miscarried at 8 weeks, and then it took another 11 months to conceive but the arrival of our second son has been an absolute joy to my family.

The age gap is bigger than I’d like but the boys absolutely adore each other - they’re best friends and attached at the hip all the time.

Even my husband can see that hack g a second baby was absolutely the right thing to do and he has no regrets whatsoever.

If the best excuse your husband can come up with is to complain about buying a bigger car, then it doesn’t come across to me that he’s very strongly against it otherwise he’d had much more emotional based reasons than just that.

My advice is to sit him down, in a quiet undisturbed area, and really explain to him how much you want a second child and all the reasons it is important to you. Give him the opportunity to voice his concerns, and take them on board, but as much as people may disagree with this, the only way you will get another baby is to change your husbands’ mind. That concept can be frowned upon by MN but it’s the reality.

I think some men class women as being quite wishy washy about wanting children because they think we “just want a baby because that’s how’s women are”, when in reality women usually have a very strong urge, emotionally and biologically to have another child, and it’s important your husband is really made to see why this matters so much to you.

The concept of not wanting our first child to be an only child was what I really focused on and I explained why I felt so strongly about this and how I thought a second baby could also benefit our current son as well as simply being a wonderful addition to our family in their own right, and I think when my husband really listened to me and truly heard me, as opposed to just brushing me off with jokes and excuses, he then understood why it was so important to me.

You’re in a very difficult situation OP but you are not unreasonable at all to feel the way you are. It’s hard to accept that for all the equally progress that has been made between men and women, men still hold this level of control over us when it comes to something so important as having children.

The best of luck OP and I truly hope you get your second baby.

Difficult situation. I do think if you have another child then you would have to take full responsibility. Having a baby and a toddler is no pleasure cruise. Would you be prepared to be the one getting up every night with the baby whilst your dh lies in bed? Would you be prepared to take the hit to your career having to take time off when your dc is sick or needs looking after?
Having 2 is hard work. Your dh has the right to say he doesn’t want another child. It won’t make things easier for you but I believe many, many men go along with having a child just to please their oh.
Maybe don’t discuss it for the next 6 months then raise the subject again after you have both had more time.

I think understanding the real reason he doesn't want more children will help, could it be he's struggled for he past two years, he misses how you both were before etc. I'd try and get him to open up about it a bit more. I agree with PP that it doesn't seem to be about control as ideally you should both be on the same page about wanting more.

This.

I think your husband is being a selfish dick forcing your child to grow up without siblings when you can easily afford another child.

What this is really about is your husband not wanting to go through the baby years again and have less sex/sleep and not being the wife’s priority anymore, etc.

Sorry, I can see why you’d be upset but it’s right that both partners have to want a child. Otherwise you end up bringing someone into the world on a very shaky foundation and potentially influencing their own life. It’s not just about the parent, you have to put the children (the potential new one and your existing child) first.

You do have some agency, which is to have another child with someone else. I appreciate that’s not a really great choice but it is there to be weighed up.

If he’s otherwise a good partner/ dad I think you need to try to get to the heart of why he’s against it, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with only wanting one child.

Having a child you don't want is hugely damaging to that child.

When couples have these issues they think about I want a child v you don't want a child when really the focus should be is it fair on any future child to actively plan to conceive when only one parent wants to. What will that child's life be like. Can it be guaranteed that the parent who didn't want them will come round? What if they don't? What if they treat the child they didn't want unfairly?

To clarify: if a man doesn’t want children, or wants an usually tiny family, that’s his prerogative. But he should discuss these things with his wife to be, before marrying her, just as you shouldn’t marry someone assuming that they’re happy to convert to your religion, or move to your home country. Marriage is fundamentally about having children, that’s why all the laws and traditions around it were created, and if one of the people getting married isn’t up for having a family then they ought to be extremely clear about that before the other partner commits.

I love how everyone also assumes a second child will automatically become a play mate for the first too. Not all siblings get along together and become besties.
They may grow together in time but it's not guaranteed and that alone is a stupid reason to have a second child.
Financial concerns are genuine worries. (Moving home, upgrading a car, buying new baby equipment etc)

I think your husband is being a selfish dick forcing your child to grow up without siblings when you can easily afford another child.

I think the OP is being selfish trying to force another child into the world when she could use her finances on her existing child and give them a better quality of life. Rather than pressure her DH into something he doesn't want and have less because society tells us that kids need siblings, only children are lonely children and all the rest of the bullshit.

Since they finally decided women's fertility was worth investigating and they found minimal differences and no cliff edge.

Most women who have sorted if have said fine bit I'm not taking any responsibility for contraceptive prevention as I still want kids. Its all then on the man.Amazing how often the family then grows.

That said if he then books himself in for a vasectomy there really do have to accept him at his word.

Why would you think having another child would stop your child be lonely? Me and my sibling have never got on - we made our mum's life a misery and I was extremely lonely very frequently as we lived in an isolated place. As adults we barely speak. DS is an only, it's been wonderful and he has never ever been lonely. Your child can make loads of friends as nursery/school and you can have them round to play all the time without having any other children to juggle and so they can be super sociable.

If you want more children then you have every right to leave the marriage and have more children. You coercing him into having another child that he didn't want would be abusive and potentially very damaging to the child. The person who doesn't want another child always has to take precedence in this situation.

*Personally and very possibly a very unpopular opinion on MN;

I find it very selfish to deny a child a sibling relationship if you have had the benefit of one.

I'm an only child. I'm now forty and navigating a widowed mum in rather poor health who is now my sole responsibility.
I love her so much and she is a lovely mum and grandmother but she is going to have to live with me very soon and ther eis nobody to share my worries and sadness with.*

Don't be ridiculous. You do know that siblings are not always a benefit, that some are actively detrimental to their sibling, for a variety of reasons, and that having a sibling is far from a guarantee of help. A sibling could also require care. Of course it's great if you have others who are willing and able to help but care tends to fall upon one person imo(Usually female, eldest or the person living closest). My Mother didn't have help from hers when looking after her parents. That is extremely common. Also even if you do have help if you all want very different things, care home vs care at home, then that can be another battle.

I'm an only and I've been a carer for family 3x now. It was incredibly hard but I'd find it even harder if I had a sibling who could help but didn't and that ime is very common.

I think your husband is being a selfish dick forcing your child to grow up without siblings when you can easily afford another child.

You can be a content only child you know. I am and I'd sooner have colonic irrigation with a cheese grater than have some of the people I've known as siblings, including a family friend's sibling who when their parents died, conspired with another sibling to cheat said friend out of tens of thousands.

The usual bizarre, offensive and outdated attitudes towards one-child families being trotted out, I see. 🙄

OP, this is an intractable problem I’m afraid. You can’t force him to want another child and he can’t force you not to want one. Either you make your peace with it, or you leave him and have a child with someone else (bearing in mind the obvious negative effects this will have on your existing child).

Also it's not just about money. There's more to consider than that.

That is the fastest way to become a single parent.
How fucking irresponsible.

I think where kids are concerned. You. It's have to want the same thing. It's one thing if he's passive but if ha really adamant no more then you have to respect that, just as you would expect him to respect you if you felt that way.

Did you not discuss this before marriage or before having dc1?

Kids aren't a commodity. They arent to be produced to support their siblings or provide a friend. They are unique from each other and need to be considered that way.

Icedlatte has a point and I've read it on here before. OP seems to have got a hard time here. I don't think she has said how old her and her partner are so perhaps there is more to the story. But someone should have a vestectomy why should OP come to the relisation and acceptance of sticking at 1 DC and the man has the freedom of going off with another woman and having more DC? (It happens).

I agree with this. There are plenty of situations in life where one person has more control than the other (ie a man doesn’t have the final say over whether to continue with a pregnancy), it’s just part and parcel of life.

It’s tough OP as feelings of broodiness can be intense but I agree with your stance of not wanting to give an ultimatum. That’s not a healthy way to manage a relationship and could backfire on you further down the line. Imagine a kid finding out they were only here because their mum forced the option on their dad?!

You are correct, lots of factors come into it. Lots of the problems and stresses that come with raising kids is through lack of money though. You can't raise kids on love alone.
Your finances could be ok now but we are in a cost of living crisis, jobs aren't guaranteed, food and fuel prices are sky rocketing and housing isn't stable but sure money isn't everything....
Maybe the OPs DH wants to keep more of the lifestyle they have?

@WeeWillyWinkie9 can you link to the research that you're referring to?

Yet she can easily go off and do the same? Why try to force his hand into have a child he doesn't want when she can tell him it's a deal breaker and have a child with a willing participant?
Your post isn't making much sense?
Unless you think the OP should trick him?