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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When one partner wants more/any children, but the other doesn't.

153 replies

sadie0108 · 05/08/2023 21:40

AIBU to be upset that my partner basically has the final decision whether we have another child, because I obviously can't force him to have another child, but he can ensure it doesn't happen without me needing to agree?
We have one child just now and are very happy. I would love another and we are in a position (financially etc.) to do so.
I would have hated to grow up as an only child and our family is already very small. Our son has only one cousin, who lives in a different country, so I just keep picturing a very lonely childhood for him.
My husband has gave (what I consider) silly reasons why he doesn't want another child, such as we would need to buy a bigger car. Again, this is something we would be able to do financially.
It goes without saying that I'm heartbroken at the thought of not having another child, but this post is more about me being upset/annoyed that its my husband has all the control in the decision and I have none. Anyone else in this situation?

OP posts:
BatheInTheLight · 05/08/2023 22:20

Our son's are 3 and 7. Yes they can be a bit unruly at times and bicker, but they genuinely do love each other. Seeing this, the tender moments where they'll hug or comfort each other and the laughs and fun between them each day, honestly, it makes my heart absolutely sing and brings me so much joy. No, I don't know if they'll always be close and be a positive part of each others lives, but right now, it's great for the pair of them.

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2023 22:22

OP - different people react/feel differently after having children and it takes a long time to settle for some.

It took me 4 years to be ready. DH was ready sooner. We just waited until we were on the same page and were kind to each other.

Big decisions can’t be made successfully with a backdrop of resentment and conflict.

0021andabit · 05/08/2023 22:23

I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable but I do think if you both have strong opposing feelings you need to be open & honest & discuss it properly so resentment doesn’t build up. We went to marriage counselling because we disagreed on going from 2 to 3 children & it really, really helped us - both in terms of coming to & coming to terms with a joint decision but also in our marriage more generally.

blacknredsweeties · 05/08/2023 22:24

Do people really discuss how many kids they want? We haven't.

donkra · 05/08/2023 22:24

BatheInTheLight · 05/08/2023 22:12

I think it would be pretty accurate to say that most people find parenting tough at times but they'd never go so far as to say they regretted having a child. I think to actually admit that says more about the individual than the child.

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Few people say it, because it's heavily stigmatised to do so. Many people feel it. Many women have discussed it on here.

And why shouldn't they? It's life's only totally irreversible huge-stakes decision. You can love your child, take wonderful care of them, and still know that if you had your time again, you wouldn't have them.

I'm not speaking from personal bias here. I don't regret my DC and would have them again. But it's grossly naive to think that nobody ever regrets a child. Even women who wanted a termination and were denied one? None of them regret the children they were forced to have?

Mumsanetta · 05/08/2023 22:25

You’re not being unreasonable at all. I am/was in your position and sharing my experience might help you. My DH changed his mind about having a second child and I was furious, heartbroken and devastated that he had the power to make a decision that could have such a huge impact on my life. I considered marriage counselling and divorce. Not because I wanted to meet someone else to try and have a child with - I would never do that to my DD - but because the resentment I felt at the time was strong enough to kill our marriage. In the end we were able to get past it after a lot of talking but it was a very tough time.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2023 22:26

I think you have just as much right to have another child as he does to not have one

Of course she does, just not with him. If she feels that strongly about having another then she will have to leave him and have a baby with someone else.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/08/2023 22:31

BatheInTheLight · 05/08/2023 22:12

I think it would be pretty accurate to say that most people find parenting tough at times but they'd never go so far as to say they regretted having a child. I think to actually admit that says more about the individual than the child.

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I regret having my third, I love them and I wouldn't be able to pick which teo I could keep but yes the problem is with me, I very much overestimated my parenting capabilities.

ShatnerzBassoon · 05/08/2023 22:32

Viewing it as him having control is a bit of an illusion, in the sense that if your position changed to not wanting another and his to wanting another he would no longer have ‘control’.

I totally see how the situation would be upsetting, but there is no guarantee a second child will get on with the first child and there is a possibility a second child might have challenging needs, or turn out to be twins.

Onelifeonly · 05/08/2023 22:32

I think you need to gain a deeper understanding of his reasoning, as the need for a bigger car can't be more than a subsidiary consideration. Can you agree to discuss it again in, say 6 months or a year? Is it because two year olds are quite full on and the thought of another is overwhelming, for example? If you can't work this out together, relationship counselling could help you each appreciate the other's point of view and work out how to move on from this, whether separately or together. I agree it seems harsh when his decision affects you so profoundly, but it would be wrong simply to endure the pain or break up without proper discussion and consideration of each other's perspectives.

Original poster
sadie0108 · 05/08/2023 22:33

I am aware that I can't force anyone to have a child. I also know what my options are. I love my husband very much and I would need to come to terms with not having anymore children, rather than leaving him to pursue it elsewhere.
I also think that if I told him I was leaving because of him not wanting to have another child, he would agree to have one to stop me leaving. But I wouldn't do that to him.
I'm really just venting about the lack of control I have in the matter.

OP posts:
Parky04 · 05/08/2023 22:33

Get divorced, find another partner, and have another child - simple!

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2023 22:34

There is a thread in parenting right now about people regretting having had children! It might be taboo in general chit chat but it crops up on here very frequently.

Absolute bullshit no one regrets having a child, do some of you never watch or listen to the news? Parents are killing their children.

OP, he doesn’t need a reason beyond not wanting one. Doesn’t matter whether he always wanted one or used to want 6 and changed his mind when he found out what parenting is like.

It’s not about fairness between you two, why would you saddle a child with a dad who didn’t want them? Bad enough to have kids with someone who turns out not to want them. To try and convince someone to have a child they definitely don’t want is awful for everyone.

BatheInTheLight · 05/08/2023 22:34

TomatoSandwiches · 05/08/2023 22:31

I regret having my third, I love them and I wouldn't be able to pick which teo I could keep but yes the problem is with me, I very much overestimated my parenting capabilities.

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I'm sure it'll get easier as they get older, hang in there. You'll feel so proud that you COULD and DID parent them successfully when you witness what wonderful adults they have become.

Rathouse · 05/08/2023 22:37

@AnneLovesGilbert I don't really hear anyone in real saying they regret the 1 or 2 kids they have. It's usually the people that go on to have the 3rd child moan and then still go on to have the 4th child.

The rest of your post is extreme and doesn't excuse killing your own child. Motherhood is tough yes but you knew that after having 1 Dc

Gro · 05/08/2023 22:39

I was you for many years. I wanted another DH didn't. We had DD when I was 25. When I was approaching 30 I became desperate, I gave him an ultimatum, I told him I needed another baby one way or another. I did, I craved it, it was a biological craving it had to happen for me. He did eventually agree, we had ds when I was 33, there is a big age gap but I love them both equally. DH loves DS and DD but is not an active parent to either child. He just isn't bothered by them, they are my children.

I would advise finding someone who actually wants children. My life is terribly lonely. My maternal yearning has ceased since having DS but my children don't have a father really. I look at my friends and their partners and I am so envious.

LolaSmiles · 05/08/2023 22:40

I also think that if I told him I was leaving because of him not wanting to have another child, he would agree to have one to stop me leaving. But I wouldn't do that to him.
I'm really just venting about the lack of control I have in the matter
Ultimately the person who doesn't want to have a child has the final say, which you know deep down.
It's difficult and probably brings up a lot of emotions for the person who wants more, but the person who wants more does have control.

They have control whether to remain in their current situation and build that life or the control to decide that another child is a hard line for them and to leave with a view of having more children with someone else. Whichever choice is made is the person exercising control over their circumstances.

nolamesallowed · 05/08/2023 22:45

blacknredsweeties · 05/08/2023 22:24

Do people really discuss how many kids they want? We haven't.

That's very unusual indeed. Are you strange generally?

Mumsanetta · 05/08/2023 22:48

sadie0108 · 05/08/2023 22:33

I am aware that I can't force anyone to have a child. I also know what my options are. I love my husband very much and I would need to come to terms with not having anymore children, rather than leaving him to pursue it elsewhere.
I also think that if I told him I was leaving because of him not wanting to have another child, he would agree to have one to stop me leaving. But I wouldn't do that to him.
I'm really just venting about the lack of control I have in the matter.

You wouldn’t do it to him but he would do it to you? Why is there such an imbalance there?

To disagree with another poster, I think it is a matter of control over whether or not you have another child. You haven’t mentioned your (sorry if I have missed it) but if your marriage broke down in the future and you divorced, you may be past childbearing age but your DH could still meet someone else and change his mind.

ShatnerzBassoon · 05/08/2023 22:48

LolaSmiles · 05/08/2023 22:40

I also think that if I told him I was leaving because of him not wanting to have another child, he would agree to have one to stop me leaving. But I wouldn't do that to him.
I'm really just venting about the lack of control I have in the matter
Ultimately the person who doesn't want to have a child has the final say, which you know deep down.
It's difficult and probably brings up a lot of emotions for the person who wants more, but the person who wants more does have control.

They have control whether to remain in their current situation and build that life or the control to decide that another child is a hard line for them and to leave with a view of having more children with someone else. Whichever choice is made is the person exercising control over their circumstances.

but the person who wants more does have control

Only if they’re not a man. I think it’s a joke that any woman would leave their partner to have another child (if otherwise happy) knowing that UK family law will support them and knowing that they wouldn’t do so if they were the one visiting the first child every other weekend. Fortunately OP has stated they wouldn’t take things that far.

glitterplant · 05/08/2023 22:48

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

Peakypolly · 05/08/2023 23:00

I just keep picturing a very lonely childhood for him.
I can say that the DC without siblings I come across are by no means lonely. Much depends on how you raise your LO, and if your home is welcoming and you and DH are available, chances are the friends will arrive.
You sound very level headed about things, although understandably sad. Things may change with DH's views in a year or two. If it doesn't, I hope you can be a happy team of three.

Original poster
sadie0108 · 05/08/2023 23:00

Mumsanetta · 05/08/2023 22:48

You wouldn’t do it to him but he would do it to you? Why is there such an imbalance there?

To disagree with another poster, I think it is a matter of control over whether or not you have another child. You haven’t mentioned your (sorry if I have missed it) but if your marriage broke down in the future and you divorced, you may be past childbearing age but your DH could still meet someone else and change his mind.

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Threatening to leave him, knowing it would make him change his mind, is a lot different to him passively not wanting another child.
It would only be the same if he was threatening to leave me, knowing it would make me accept not having children. There's no imbalance.

OP posts:
WeeWillyWinkie9 · 05/08/2023 23:02

Mumsanetta · 05/08/2023 22:48

You wouldn’t do it to him but he would do it to you? Why is there such an imbalance there?

To disagree with another poster, I think it is a matter of control over whether or not you have another child. You haven’t mentioned your (sorry if I have missed it) but if your marriage broke down in the future and you divorced, you may be past childbearing age but your DH could still meet someone else and change his mind.

Show quote history

Don't worry fertility doesn't wane with age, so she's good for a while yet until the menopause!

Butterflyfluff · 05/08/2023 23:12

I'm really just venting about the lack of control I have in the matter.

I find this quite disturbing TBH - it’s not about control.

it’s about one persons view not usurping the other.

There is no compromise - either 1 person changes their mind or one person doesn’t get what they want - end of.