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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband slept through daughters first birthday celebration

327 replies

Mimsymumsymoo · 05/08/2023 20:30

This is a long winded one sorry in advance.
So today we planned a small party for my youngest daughters 1st birthday. We decided to celebrate a few days early as her birthday is midweek and her dad -my husband- works away during the week and was not meant to be home. He came home early hours friday morning and weng to sleep as he works nights. Later that evening he decided out of the blue that he was going out with friends for a few hours as being away in a hotel all week gives him "cabin fever". I was okay with this and encouraged him to have a good night, reminding him not to stay out too late or drink too much as we had plans the following afternoon, he agreed and ensured me hed be home by 2am the latest. 3 am rolls around and he strolls in, but decides he isnt tired enough for bed so he is going to stay up for "a bit". Fine. Whatever. We have plans for 2pm he can still get a decent amount of sleep and attend. He ended up going to bed at 10 am this morning and when i woke him at 1 to say hes got an hour to get ready, he moaned,rolled over and went back to sleep. I tried to wake him several times before saying f this and just taking our children to his parents, along with the cake i made the night previous and gifts for the party. We have loads of fun at the party and return home around 7. I get the girls to bed and start cleaning the house while he lounges on the sofa watching reruns of a show on Netflix. He then says to me "are you going to strop all night?" I say i think im allowed to be annoyed that you missed the first birthday celebrations that were planned specifically so you could attend.all he had to say back to me was "if im not tired i cant make myself go to sleep, its not my fault i slept all day. I feel like ive wasted the day in bed". Which to me sounds like poor me im tired feel bad for me. So my question is AIBU to be seriously annoyed that he missed the celebrations to spend the day in bed?

OP posts:
MinnieTruck · 05/08/2023 20:31

He sounds like an arse

bunchofboys · 05/08/2023 20:32

What is he? 17? What a twat. Presumably doing drugs hence he couldn't sleep. Seriously consider if you want to be with someone like that before its too late.

ThePoetsWife · 05/08/2023 20:33

Agree with PP that he just have taken drugs if he was wide awake after such a late night

ThePoetsWife · 05/08/2023 20:34

Must

And he is also an arse

DrManhattan · 05/08/2023 20:34

Sounds like a total loser

Lapflop · 05/08/2023 20:34

YANBU. You sound empathetic that he is tired working away but opting out of family life when he is home and missing something like this is horrible. DH used to work away and of course at weekends when he was home he would see friends, but he also made sure to spend quality family time with us, even if he was hanging after a night out he'd come along- not because I asked him to or because he'd be in the dog house but because he wanted to. Its a huge undertaking actually to manage the house and children as it were when a partner works away, for them to behave like this is seriously unappealing. That said if he's usually decent I'd be annoyed but let it go, if it's a pattern of other behaviours I'd have a think about what you want.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 05/08/2023 20:34

What an utter drop-kick he is.

I literally do not know a single man who’d behave like this…. Confused

Azandme · 05/08/2023 20:34

Selfish.

Clefable · 05/08/2023 20:35

What a tosser. He's telling you how unimportant his family is to him. Listen.

PinkPlantCase · 05/08/2023 20:36

MinnieTruck · 05/08/2023 20:31

He sounds like an arse

This is exactly what I was going to say.

FionnulaTheCooler · 05/08/2023 20:36

He behaved like an arse but I'm not sure I agree that he must have been taking drugs. He's been working nights, wouldn't that be enough to mess with your sleeping pattern?

purplecorkheart · 05/08/2023 20:37

He sounds like a prick but I would no necessarily think he is using drugs. I have nights where I cannot sleep at all and eventually fall asleep in the morning. However if I have plans I set my alarm and get up even if I have only had an hour or two of sleep.

Original poster
Mimsymumsymoo · 05/08/2023 20:38

Its definitely not usual behaviour for him which is why i was so upset, especially as it was planned to work around his schedule so he wouldnt miss it and he still could only come up with "at least its not her actual birthday" im fuming but at the same time if he was so tired i understand that he wouldnt have been present even if he was there. Just so torn on whether im being unreasonable for something that is a first.

OP posts:
JonjoMonjo21 · 05/08/2023 20:38

Agree with PP definitely drugs. No way would be still be awake after a skinful at 10am. I would not want to be with someone like this

HedgehogB · 05/08/2023 20:39

Has no one read the part that he works nights and is away all week? I don’t think he’s an arse he’s exhausted working for his family. Being in a hotel all week is shit I can tell you, so is working nights. Im on the fence here. Yes he should have got up for the party that was rearranged around him but he’s a human not a cash cow. What one year old remembers dad being there. This obsession with dad being at everything winds me up! And I’m the first to moan if DH doesn’t do his share but why torture your poor knackered hard working husband for the sake of appearances. So he stays up, attends the party then crashes his car out of exhaustion on Monday - what then. I’m am similarly irritated by mums who wake working dads for the night feed. Shoot me down.

Keepitrealnomists · 05/08/2023 20:39

He's a selfish twat!

StSwithinsDay · 05/08/2023 20:39

So my question is AIBU to be seriously annoyed that he missed the celebrations to spend the day in bed?

No. YABU. But you are yet another woman on MN who seems to be married to a total fucking arsehole who couldn't give a flying fuck about you or his children.

StSwithinsDay · 05/08/2023 20:39

Meant to say YANBU. Oh for an edit button!

HedgehogB · 05/08/2023 20:39

JonjoMonjo21 · 05/08/2023 20:38

Agree with PP definitely drugs. No way would be still be awake after a skinful at 10am. I would not want to be with someone like this

He works nights his body clock is shot

stayathomer · 05/08/2023 20:39

Yanbu but saying that I can understand him being wrecked and have been hungover at very innoportune moments when I was younger!! Add to that the nights, I can understand it but it was dumb!

Clefable · 05/08/2023 20:40

The thing is, women routinely have to do stuff on fuck all sleep, and not even fun stuff like getting up and going to a party with nice food and drink, more like being up all night and then going to work or managing months on broken sleep while looking after kids. Yet he really couldn't manage hauling himself out of his pit for a few hours for his own daughter's birthday party?

Original poster
Mimsymumsymoo · 05/08/2023 20:41

Definitely not a drugs user, he doesnt smoke and only drinks socially or on occasions. Thats whats upsetting to me is that he knew he was gonna be tired as hes been on nights but he went out for the night anyways. Like i feel bad that hes so knackered from working so hard but also im mad that he missed her birthday. Anything else wouldnt really phase me if he missed cause he was tired, but a birthday is a big deal, and he went out of his own volition so is extra tired.

OP posts:
HedgehogB · 05/08/2023 20:41

FionnulaTheCooler · 05/08/2023 20:36

He behaved like an arse but I'm not sure I agree that he must have been taking drugs. He's been working nights, wouldn't that be enough to mess with your sleeping pattern?

Yes - most posters haven’t read the OP properly and are doing typical LTB shite. Working nights does this to you. His weekdays sound really tough

LovelyJubbly12345 · 05/08/2023 20:41

Darling. You are probably my daughters age. And I will say to you what I would say to her. Men like this don’t change. No man worth his salt would miss his daughter’s birthday. Start to prepare mentally to leave this marriage.

Daysoffarethebest · 05/08/2023 20:41

HedgehogB · 05/08/2023 20:39

Has no one read the part that he works nights and is away all week? I don’t think he’s an arse he’s exhausted working for his family. Being in a hotel all week is shit I can tell you, so is working nights. Im on the fence here. Yes he should have got up for the party that was rearranged around him but he’s a human not a cash cow. What one year old remembers dad being there. This obsession with dad being at everything winds me up! And I’m the first to moan if DH doesn’t do his share but why torture your poor knackered hard working husband for the sake of appearances. So he stays up, attends the party then crashes his car out of exhaustion on Monday - what then. I’m am similarly irritated by mums who wake working dads for the night feed. Shoot me down.

Why would he crash the car Monday when he can presumably sleep Saturday and Sunday night?!