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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband slept through daughters first birthday celebration

327 replies

Mimsymumsymoo · 05/08/2023 20:30

This is a long winded one sorry in advance.
So today we planned a small party for my youngest daughters 1st birthday. We decided to celebrate a few days early as her birthday is midweek and her dad -my husband- works away during the week and was not meant to be home. He came home early hours friday morning and weng to sleep as he works nights. Later that evening he decided out of the blue that he was going out with friends for a few hours as being away in a hotel all week gives him "cabin fever". I was okay with this and encouraged him to have a good night, reminding him not to stay out too late or drink too much as we had plans the following afternoon, he agreed and ensured me hed be home by 2am the latest. 3 am rolls around and he strolls in, but decides he isnt tired enough for bed so he is going to stay up for "a bit". Fine. Whatever. We have plans for 2pm he can still get a decent amount of sleep and attend. He ended up going to bed at 10 am this morning and when i woke him at 1 to say hes got an hour to get ready, he moaned,rolled over and went back to sleep. I tried to wake him several times before saying f this and just taking our children to his parents, along with the cake i made the night previous and gifts for the party. We have loads of fun at the party and return home around 7. I get the girls to bed and start cleaning the house while he lounges on the sofa watching reruns of a show on Netflix. He then says to me "are you going to strop all night?" I say i think im allowed to be annoyed that you missed the first birthday celebrations that were planned specifically so you could attend.all he had to say back to me was "if im not tired i cant make myself go to sleep, its not my fault i slept all day. I feel like ive wasted the day in bed". Which to me sounds like poor me im tired feel bad for me. So my question is AIBU to be seriously annoyed that he missed the celebrations to spend the day in bed?

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 05/08/2023 21:13

I've read countless mn posts the DH works away and works hard and the wife does everything for family. No one pipes up or aye he’s a bad in. As it’s presumed he’s a big earner and it’s women work to do the childcare while men earn money

TilerSwift · 05/08/2023 21:13

Make sure you do the same on his birthday OP 👍

LuxembourglivinginDenmark · 05/08/2023 21:13

jonahjones · 05/08/2023 21:08

This is something my dp would've done. infact he's missed most of the dcs parties. he's got up to see the dc open their Christmas presents on Xmas morning once in 15 years! he's just not interested in stuff like that. The kids have never mentioned being bothered by it. I must admit his lack of interest has seriously pissed me off over the years and I cannot understand how any parent doesn't want to see the look on dcs faces whilst opening gifts etc. but he's just not like me and maybe it's a man thing. I must say my dad was the same had no interest in my birthdays or Christmas so I've not expirenced men being any different.
Dp will participate in family days out etc though.

My dad has always seen me opening presents and took part in the choosing and buying. So did my grandad who loved. And dh is also active in choosing the gifts and buying them. He also wraps.😅and in his group of friends that is just standard participation. So no its not just a man thing not giving a f...

pinksquash13 · 05/08/2023 21:14

I think it's shit. All you need to do is imagine your roles swapped, would you have ever missed your daughter's first birthday celebration? I bet even if it hadn't been organised to your schedule, you still would have done everything you could to make it. He doesn't care. He didn't think it was important.

motleymop · 05/08/2023 21:16

Well that has coke written all over it. Not acceptable under the circs.

Lapflop · 05/08/2023 21:17

jonahjones · 05/08/2023 21:08

This is something my dp would've done. infact he's missed most of the dcs parties. he's got up to see the dc open their Christmas presents on Xmas morning once in 15 years! he's just not interested in stuff like that. The kids have never mentioned being bothered by it. I must admit his lack of interest has seriously pissed me off over the years and I cannot understand how any parent doesn't want to see the look on dcs faces whilst opening gifts etc. but he's just not like me and maybe it's a man thing. I must say my dad was the same had no interest in my birthdays or Christmas so I've not expirenced men being any different.
Dp will participate in family days out etc though.

That's sad he couldn't even muster up the enthusiasm to get up with his children on Christmas morning or go to many of their parties. Its not a man thing no, you find it acceptable because your dad did the same, and sadly your children will probably assume its normal to have a disengaged and disinterested father for these events.

motleymop · 05/08/2023 21:18

Sorry - didn't read properly re the night shifts!

ThePoetsWife · 05/08/2023 21:18

@jonahjones

My Dad, grandfather, DH and brother have all been involved in their children's birthday parties.

It's not a man thing.

You settled for this because you think this is normal having grown up with this lack of interest.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 05/08/2023 21:19

Yes his body clock is messed up but that is absolutely no excuse.

I do not work nights but if I need to be up earlier than normal, I go bed earlier and wake up earlier.

We’ve all been in situations where we’ve only had a couple hours of sleep but we don’t get the choice to stay in bed.

If I was him nothing would have stopped me from coming to my child’s party even if it meant you driving and him only staying for an hour.

I would be even more pissed off with his attitude afterwards too.
He could at least pretend to feel bad.

BlueBlubbaWhale · 05/08/2023 21:19

HedgehogB · 05/08/2023 20:39

Has no one read the part that he works nights and is away all week? I don’t think he’s an arse he’s exhausted working for his family. Being in a hotel all week is shit I can tell you, so is working nights. Im on the fence here. Yes he should have got up for the party that was rearranged around him but he’s a human not a cash cow. What one year old remembers dad being there. This obsession with dad being at everything winds me up! And I’m the first to moan if DH doesn’t do his share but why torture your poor knackered hard working husband for the sake of appearances. So he stays up, attends the party then crashes his car out of exhaustion on Monday - what then. I’m am similarly irritated by mums who wake working dads for the night feed. Shoot me down.

Yeah I read it. I also read the part about him going out getting pissed with his mates. Did you miss it? If you can get out with your mates, you can get you4 arse out of bed for your child's birthday that's been planned around you.

Pontiouspilate · 05/08/2023 21:21

This obsession with dad being at everything winds me up! And I’m the first to moan if DH doesn’t do his share

A decent dad would want to be there like any decent mum. You’re meant to love your child and celebrate them

To this poster and also @jonahjones I’m so sorry men have treated you so badly that you accept this as a way of living. You really do deserve more.

airforsharon · 05/08/2023 21:22

Mimsymumsymoo · 05/08/2023 20:38

Its definitely not usual behaviour for him which is why i was so upset, especially as it was planned to work around his schedule so he wouldnt miss it and he still could only come up with "at least its not her actual birthday" im fuming but at the same time if he was so tired i understand that he wouldnt have been present even if he was there. Just so torn on whether im being unreasonable for something that is a first.

Crucial point is, he won't be there for her actual birthday will he? Hence arranging a party today, so he could be. I think it's a shame he chose to prioritize time out with friends than his daughter's 1st birthday tbh - and it's not like you sprung it on him, or expected him to be involved beyond just turning up.
YANBU to feel disappointed he couldn't be bothered.

pinguins · 05/08/2023 21:23

I don't take drugs and I have sleep problems like this where some nights I can't sleep at all then I crash the next day (or two or three days later) and am completely unable to get out of bed, it's really distressing. The only thing that works to regulate this is going to bed and getting up at the exact same time every night no matter what. Night shifts would land me in hospital after long enough.

I have bipolar disorder.

OP he probably didn't mean to oversleep and sounds like he's feeling quite guilty. It sounds like he was hoping to push through and stay up all night and he failed at the last hurdle. However staying out until 3 when he said he'd be back by 2 is just silly.

Long term I think this is a sign that night shifts aren't working for him or for your family as a whole, is there any chance he could change to a daytime working pattern or would he lose loads of money doing so? I ask that as my dad used to work nights because it paid more and we would have been bankrupt if he'd done days, but he could handle the changing sleep patterns.

Nice to see the intolerant LTB crew out in force on this one with nothing useful to add to the post. 🙄

Loopylooni · 05/08/2023 21:25

The poster who said no man worth their salt would miss their daughters birthday like this had it spot on. My ex was like yours, and would have done the same. I've seen enough good men in my circle to know I didn't want to be with someone like that. Unfortunately for me, it took abuse to make me leave. However I'd be so disappointed and disgusted with a man who did this now.

SonicStars · 05/08/2023 21:26

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You planned a celebration at a time of day and date that worked for him. He then chose not to attend.

He chose not to force himself to bed at 7/8am to try get some rest before the event. He chose not to get up at 1.30pm. He did not care about the event. You could have done it at a time convenient to you, to relatives, or on her birthday.

Of course it doesn't matter to baby whether a celebration occurred and who was there. It's his rudeness and disregard for all the people who made the effort for him/his child that is the issue. Not just you OP, but family members he not only didn't thank for presents/presence but demonstrated that he felt their effort unimportant.

Mari9999 · 05/08/2023 21:28

@Mimsymumsymoo
If indeed he was really tired, and it sounds as though he works hard, missing a first birthday is hardly the ed of the world. Two things about this event are a certainty: your Che will not remember the event, and the child did not miss the father's presence.

In the grand scheme of things two things will matter - is he's good father and is he present for the things that matter.

This is just a blip on the radar scheme.

21ZIGGY · 05/08/2023 21:29

Drugs, they say... having never met the guy 🤣
I do wonder why a lot of you are so jaded and quick to judge. Yes he's been a twat. That doesnt lead straight to drugs... maybe ge's a twat all on his own

Takentomybed · 05/08/2023 21:29

Anyone giving him the benefit of the doubt just because he does night shifts is being unreasably kind.

My daughter does nights. She gets home at 5.30am sat morning at the ebd of her working week and routinely is up by 12. Yes it is very hard but she doesn't want to miss out on time with her daughter. She would never miss an event because of this. And definitely not her daughters 1st birthday. He is very selfish. Doing night shifts is no excuse.

Clefable · 05/08/2023 21:32

Question to all the presumably mums posting in support. Have you ever slept through your child's birthday party? Smile

Ceci03 · 05/08/2023 21:35

OP he is showing you his priority. HIMSELF. He won't change. It's up to you if you want to bring your baby up with someone who will always put his own needs first . You can't say now you didn't know he was like this. Hard as it is. Open your eyes. Listen to what he is saying. He's even annoyed you are "in a strop". It's up to you but I can see from this what he is like. And so can you if you are honest with yourself. Ask yourself this. Even if you were tired would you miss your child's first birthday.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 05/08/2023 21:37

CandyflossKaren · 05/08/2023 21:09

@Nicknacky yes, the day after sometimes. It's not always easy to sleep

And after getting hammered on booze?

Hibiscrubbed · 05/08/2023 21:44

CandyflossKaren · 05/08/2023 21:06

Lol @Hibiscrubbed

No love. I'm not! I'm up til gone 10 when I'm on nights too

Don't touch drugs though. What an odd reasoning

If you’re drinking, you’re not going to be up until 10am without some marching powder.

I also work nights.

Hibiscrubbed · 05/08/2023 21:45

Icepinkeskimo · 05/08/2023 21:11

I love all the “must be doing drugs” comments.
If anyone who made this comment, needs to read the post all the way through.
Newsflash! He’s been working nights! It screws your sleeping patterns up. Literally you end up like a zombie for 48 hours when your routine changes from nights to days. Nothing to do with drugs, your body clock and brain are out of synch.

And you need to read the thread all the way through. Most of us work nights. And if you’re drinking alcohol, you definitely won’t stay up through what is basically another night shift and beyond.

Efficaciou5 · 05/08/2023 21:47

Apart from a few exceptions, here we have the usual misandristic responses from the MN masses.

Female OP - "I'm not happy with a situation that involves my male partner/spouse/husband ..... AIBU ?"

General MN response from people who've heard one side of a story and never even met anyone involved ...

LTB
He's an arse
He's on drugs
He's an alcoholic
He's lying
He has another woman
You need to leave
You need to see a solicitor
He doesn't care about either you or your children

Unbelievable.

Judgemental ? - Not half !

Perhaps the motive of the majority of the misandrists is fuelled by their own unhappiness, seeking every opportunity to destroy the families of others, and with their true wish being for every MN'er to become single, skint and on benefits ASAP just like themselves ?

MillWood85 · 05/08/2023 21:47

He knew the plans but fucked them up because he chose to not regulate his sleep - which someone who works nights regularly will be able to do.

I'd find that really hard to get past.