Grrrrdarling
That's so beautifully to the point and perfectly summed-up!
I found, from experience, when I was in the middle of experiencing a relationship unfolding like this, it is such a shock and, as I remember, I had to try and keep the home running and pay the bills and everything looking normal as well. I wasn't able to take in quite what was happening. The way my H behaved didn't jump out at me as clearly wrong and something I did not have to put up with. I used to feel guilty and worried he was ill or I'd done something wrong and I couldn't even think about it very sanely because he used to get me so confused and distressed it took all my energy to stay calm for the children. I also had to be able to keep working. I had to earn money as he never gave me a penny and I had to pay for everything the children needed and for holidays and food.
Anyway - I imagine our OP is coming across a lot of this man's behaviour for the first time - obviously the baby has only one 1st birthday! But she is in shock about his behaviour and that stops her seeing it for what it is. It makes her confused.
That's why I like your very straight forward approach, Grrrrdarling, it just cuts away the confusion and goes straight to common sense.
When a person is abusing us and has done so from the start, we often cannot see it. Certainly not at the time. Someone outside, completely new, is often the best at seeing the plain truth. It probably stems from relationships when we grew up. In my case my mother was very bossy and dictatorial and I had to try and appease her to keep the peace or life was hell at home.
I will tell you something very personal. It is an example of how my thinking was totally gaslit by someone for over 30 years. As briefly as I can: A close friend phoned and asked me for help concerning her ex H by writing to his previous Employer because she had been contacted by Employer (very kind email) saying her exH made a Subject Access Request. I looked at the Employer's email and saw it would be the 2nd time I would write to him regarding her ex, because, when he was in another position in the Organisation, I had written to this man because the ex, who had done many seriously bad things, was being allowed privileges (sorry got to be rather vague for privacy), which made me very worried. So I reminded him of my previous contact, after which he had written back saying allowed this bad ex (who obviously lied to him) to go ahead with the privileges and why. I had details of proof the ex lied but... there was no way it would make any difference in this vast Institution. Anyway, this time I decided to send all my info, including that this man, while still married to my friend, had set me up to trap me on my own, almost 30 years ago, physically poured alcohol into me so I was incapable of doing anything and raped me. Apart from my friend whom I told when she was getting information for her divorce, and who hadn't really said anything except it sounded like her ex, I had told nobody. I sent this to the Employer so he could see why I was so against this man working with vulnerable people.
Then, on the phone, (we lived about 100+ miles apart) I told my friend that the Employer would have no doubts now about the level of iniquity in her ex, as I had decided to be brave and tell them what he did. I thought she'd be grateful and say how glad she was that they would understand at last how dreadful he was. BUT, to my complete shock, she immediately shouted angrily, 'OH Elle! You should not have done that! You should have got my permission first!' I was terribly shocked and felt terrible. So what did I do? I straight away emailed the Employer and explained that the man's ex wife, my friend, was v upset that I didn't get her permission to reveal he had raped me 30 years before, and could he disregard it?
Now, this man was not just any Employer but part of a very famous establishment and very high up in it, and very (deservedly) well thought of. I immediately got a response saying how terribly upset and sorry he was to hear of what I had been through and how hard it must have been that I had been unable to talk about it for 30 years. He said he had a duty to to report it to the Police. Then he said as for the ex wife, what has a crime committed against me got to do with her? Why did I need her permission? He did actually send a Counsellor out to me and I realised how I had let bullies push me around for years. I also realised the extent this 'friend' had used me throughout all the relationship.
I hope that helps explain how someone in a relationship with a bully, where they are used to trying to keep the peace, can be so under the bully's power they do not even know their own rights or use common sense. The number of ridiculous things I did for this woman during my life right up until not so long ago actually embarrass me. I just don't know why I let her boss me around. I even did things that were against my standards, things I regarded as wrong, but she insisted they were necessary. Obviously nothing was illegal, but once I recognised the extent of her deceit and dishonesty, I felt an enormous relief to be rid of her.