Page 6 | Husband slept through daughters first birthday celebration

Mimsymumsymoo · 2023-08-05T19:30:18+00:00

This is a long winded one sorry in advance. So today we planned a small party for my youngest daughters 1st birthday. We decided to celebrate a few days early as her birthday is midweek and her dad -my husband- works away during the week and was not meant to be home. He came home early hours friday morning and weng to sleep as he works nights. Later that evening he decided out of the blue that he was going out with friends for a few hours as being away in a hotel all week gives him "cabin fever". I was okay with this and encouraged him to have a good night, reminding him not to stay out too late or drink too much as we had plans the following afternoon, he agreed and ensured me hed be home by 2am the latest. 3 am rolls around and he strolls in, but decides he isnt tired enough for bed so he is going to stay up for "a bit". Fine. Whatever. We have plans for 2pm he can still get a decent amount of sleep and attend. He ended up going to bed at 10 am this morning and when i woke him at 1 to say hes got an hour to get ready, he moaned,rolled over and went back to sleep. I tried to wake him several times before saying f this and just taking our children to his parents, along with the cake i made the night previous and gifts for the party. We have loads of fun at the party and return home around 7. I get the girls to bed and start cleaning the house while he lounges on the sofa watching reruns of a show on Netflix. He then says to me "are you going to strop all night?" I say i think im allowed to be annoyed that you missed the first birthday celebrations that were planned specifically so you could attend.all he had to say back to me was "if im not tired i cant make myself go to sleep, its not my fault i slept all day. I feel like ive wasted the day in bed". Which to me sounds like poor me im tired feel bad for me. So my question is AIBU to be seriously annoyed that he missed the celebrations to spend the day in bed?

MysteryBelle · 05/08/2023 22:19

Coffeelotsofcoffee · 05/08/2023 22:15

He was coked up to his eyeballs by sounds of it

🎯

INeedAnotherName · 05/08/2023 22:21

I haven’t read everyone's posts but I think it's more his FU attitude when you returned. Couldn't he have joined you at his parents when he woke up?

My DH has worked permanent nights for over 15 years, 8pm until 7am so long physical shifts. He's awake for 2-3pm naturally so a 1pm alarm wouldn't be bad, its equivalent to dayshift people waking up at 6am, it's doable. I'm assuming the party was in the afternoon. It's almost as though he's not interested in family life anymore. Time for a proper talk.

2Hot2Handle · 05/08/2023 22:29

I think he knows he’s done something wrong and he believes he was wrong too, for not making the effort to attend a 1st birthday party for his DC.

That’s the reason he’s accusing you of being stroppy. If he can provoke you into getting cross, or angry, he’s got a chance to say you’re being unreasonable and make it seem 50/50. It’s not. He knew about the party. It was arranged with his schedule in mind. It was an important milestone that a lot of families celebrate happily together. He knows all of this. He knows you know all of this. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’ve overreacted. You were understandably upset and he should do something to show remorse and to make up for it.

MinnieTruck · 05/08/2023 22:32

All the people talking about him doing nights are missing out a big chunk of the story.

He randomly decided to go out for the night. Came back early morning yet didn’t sleep until 10am when he knew the birthday party was in the afternoon. Wtf is that about! Again, he sounds like an arse

Qilin · 05/08/2023 22:35

jonahjones · 05/08/2023 21:08

This is something my dp would've done. infact he's missed most of the dcs parties. he's got up to see the dc open their Christmas presents on Xmas morning once in 15 years! he's just not interested in stuff like that. The kids have never mentioned being bothered by it. I must admit his lack of interest has seriously pissed me off over the years and I cannot understand how any parent doesn't want to see the look on dcs faces whilst opening gifts etc. but he's just not like me and maybe it's a man thing. I must say my dad was the same had no interest in my birthdays or Christmas so I've not expirenced men being any different.
Dp will participate in family days out etc though.

It's definitely not a man thing.
It's very much a selfish person thing.

Jumpitha · 05/08/2023 22:35

HedgehogB · 05/08/2023 21:59

Ha ha I’m not a man. In fact a mum and stepmum of five. Organised baby shower with DH’s ex wife for DSD tomorrow. Which I think is a sign of a well functioning blended family. I have a senior job and have both sat up all night with kids and worked away all week. I know which I’d rather do and it’s not working nights and living in a hotel. Too many silly young mums on here who shout ‘leave’! And ‘he’s on drugs!’ At the first hiccup. Yes, OP’s husband was selfish and silly but goodness me the over-reaction. The baby is one! Not a single photo of my dad at my birthday parties as a child - it’s not what mattered. He was a solid loving provider. ( I miss him for all the things he did do, not those he didn’t) …Which I think OP’s husband probably is, 99% of the time. He cocked up, so what ! Perspective is required.

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You work in a senior position, but it’s the men who are the solid providers and deserve us all to be doe eyed at how hard they work?

You have worked away all week, would you have missed your child’s birthday? Am guessing your husband looked after your children when you did work away as he’s also capable (and not being too busy working ever so hard to provide for his family).

You sound ridiculous and I call bullshit

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 05/08/2023 22:42

Agree; stretching back 35-40 years the only thing that kept us up like that was coke.

What utter bullshit that he couldn't restrain himself for his kid's party.

KarmaStar · 05/08/2023 22:44

I've worked night shifts a lot and it can play havoc with your sleep patterns.
I am not saying he was right but I would like to read it from his pov also.
He has missed out here and left you with all the work but at least you have happy memories of dd first birthday,he's missed out on all that and perhaps he regrets it.
Either way,try to move on from this .🌻

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 05/08/2023 22:45

I’m likely in the minority here but…

Tbf to him, you say he works nights, working nights does play havoc with your body clock, if he is normally having to be awake all night and doesn’t normally get to bed until 10am I get why he can’t just switch off and go to sleep early and therefore he probably is knackered so his point is valid and he needs cutting a bit of slack, that said missing your own child's 1st birthday when it has been planned specifically around you is poor form and I’d have expected him to make the effort to attend even if tired and only for an hour or so so he can then go back to bed for a bit so for that you are not wrong to be annoyed at the lack of effort given the occassion.

Nicknacky · 05/08/2023 22:47

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 05/08/2023 22:45

I’m likely in the minority here but…

Tbf to him, you say he works nights, working nights does play havoc with your body clock, if he is normally having to be awake all night and doesn’t normally get to bed until 10am I get why he can’t just switch off and go to sleep early and therefore he probably is knackered so his point is valid and he needs cutting a bit of slack, that said missing your own child's 1st birthday when it has been planned specifically around you is poor form and I’d have expected him to make the effort to attend even if tired and only for an hour or so so he can then go back to bed for a bit so for that you are not wrong to be annoyed at the lack of effort given the occassion.

I presume you know he wasn’t working the night before the party?

Jk987 · 05/08/2023 22:51

I can't believe you cleaned the house at the end of the day after everything else! Doesn't your husband do anything at all?

ExcitingTimes2021 · 05/08/2023 22:51

To all those saying nights mess with your body clock…. Yes they do… but I work nights, I still have to get up on my days off, and after nights shifts to be a mum to my toddler. Posters saying cut him slack obviously don’t work night shifts. There is no slack! You are a parent, get up, make the sacrifices and deal with it.

The man has no excuse for his behaviour. He missed the party intentionally. He doesn’t care. I would be livid!

HedgehogB · 05/08/2023 22:52

Jumpitha · 05/08/2023 22:35

You work in a senior position, but it’s the men who are the solid providers and deserve us all to be doe eyed at how hard they work?

You have worked away all week, would you have missed your child’s birthday? Am guessing your husband looked after your children when you did work away as he’s also capable (and not being too busy working ever so hard to provide for his family).

You sound ridiculous and I call bullshit

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i was with you there until the last sentence where you let yourself down a bit . Ha! I’ll throw an insult and win! 😂(Haven’t insulted anyone I don’t know, so it’s not me who is ridiculous) . What you call bullshit i call perspective. My dad AND my mum worked hard, myself AND my husband work hard. Saying my dad was a provider didn’t stop my mum being one nor does it stop me! I never missed a birthday no - or a school pickup for that matter. We juggled. im not going into details but I promise you I know what real abuse is, real psychological abuse of a 10 year old child - and missing a party is not. I would be annoyed like OP is , no one thinks he’s done a wonderful thing here, but I wouldn’t be accusing her husband of being a druggie and an abuser. She has said as much herself. It’s just way over the top. I don’t need your validation as I know me and where my lines are drawn. Oh and I didn’t build my career by slinging insults and making an individual’s mistake about ‘men vs women’. Marriages are partnerships. OP was let down. Her husband should be sorry. But it’s not the end of the world. Goodnight (and relax a bit!)

JMSA · 05/08/2023 22:55

You're lovely.
He's not.

VestaTilley · 05/08/2023 22:58

YANBU. That’s a shit thing to do and not the actions of a good father.

Is he taking drugs on these nights out?

xyz111 · 05/08/2023 22:59

I work shifts. I could be up at 7am Monday, go to work Monday night, get home Tuesday morning, and then not go to bed until Tuesday night if I have no childcare. Yes I feel like death, but if that's what needs to be done then so be it!! Would never miss something important.

Madmax1992 · 05/08/2023 23:02

I can understand wanting to socialise when he's been away working all week but his daughters birthday is just once a year, even if he'd made some kind of effort to be present it might be more forgivable but it sounds like he doesn't give a shit!

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 05/08/2023 23:05

I'm only on page one where you've said he definitely isn't a drugs user.
Work all week out overnight, up until 10am...

@Mimsymumsymoo it's cocaine or speed at the very least.

Probably cocaine as it's rife now. It would also make him think - yeah I'll be fine for tomorrow whilst he's on a high.

IhaveanewTVnow · 05/08/2023 23:08

HedgehogB · 05/08/2023 20:39

He works nights his body clock is shot

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This. My 21 year old worked nights for a few months. It absolutely knocked him out. He would get home at 7am and be wide awake until at least mid day. He would then go to sleep and then have to be up again at 6pm. It messed with his health too. And the H is in a hotel all week too.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 05/08/2023 23:09

Does the person he was out with also work nights and has a sleep system havoc - especially with a big day the next day?

Or, do they snort a lot knowing they can stay up up until dawn, and until mid morning knowing they haven't got to go anywhere?

Hmmm. Hokey Cokey.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 05/08/2023 23:12

IhaveanewTVnow · 05/08/2023 23:08

This. My 21 year old worked nights for a few months. It absolutely knocked him out. He would get home at 7am and be wide awake until at least mid day. He would then go to sleep and then have to be up again at 6pm. It messed with his health too. And the H is in a hotel all week too.

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OP husband came home, had some sleep, then left in the afternoon to go out for drinks, then came back at 10am.

That's an almighty session on a fees hours sleep.

Jumpitha · 05/08/2023 23:12

HedgehogB · 05/08/2023 22:52

i was with you there until the last sentence where you let yourself down a bit . Ha! I’ll throw an insult and win! 😂(Haven’t insulted anyone I don’t know, so it’s not me who is ridiculous) . What you call bullshit i call perspective. My dad AND my mum worked hard, myself AND my husband work hard. Saying my dad was a provider didn’t stop my mum being one nor does it stop me! I never missed a birthday no - or a school pickup for that matter. We juggled. im not going into details but I promise you I know what real abuse is, real psychological abuse of a 10 year old child - and missing a party is not. I would be annoyed like OP is , no one thinks he’s done a wonderful thing here, but I wouldn’t be accusing her husband of being a druggie and an abuser. She has said as much herself. It’s just way over the top. I don’t need your validation as I know me and where my lines are drawn. Oh and I didn’t build my career by slinging insults and making an individual’s mistake about ‘men vs women’. Marriages are partnerships. OP was let down. Her husband should be sorry. But it’s not the end of the world. Goodnight (and relax a bit!)

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I apologise for the insult.

i agree, without context this isn’t a LtB situation but you’re also projecting from your own (horrible) experiences. My irritability came from your original post excusing his behaviour because he is a man and must work ever so hard (where’s the empathy for the mother who is a single parent all week and seemingly at the weekend too), which I find bizarre considering you seem to be a strong a woman who also works hard…so also contradictory.

It came across as very patronising, old fashioned and also coming across like martyr. You’re right, you don’t need to validate me so I’ll leave you to a good night.

TimeToMoveIt · 05/08/2023 23:14

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 05/08/2023 23:09

Does the person he was out with also work nights and has a sleep system havoc - especially with a big day the next day?

Or, do they snort a lot knowing they can stay up up until dawn, and until mid morning knowing they haven't got to go anywhere?

Hmmm. Hokey Cokey.

What does the other person have to do with anything? The dh was home at 3am

Can none of you stay up all night without getting coked off your heads

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/08/2023 23:18

IhaveanewTVnow · 05/08/2023 23:08

This. My 21 year old worked nights for a few months. It absolutely knocked him out. He would get home at 7am and be wide awake until at least mid day. He would then go to sleep and then have to be up again at 6pm. It messed with his health too. And the H is in a hotel all week too.

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It didn't knock out OP's husband enough since he managed to go on a big night out until the early hours knowing what was planned for his daughter so he could be there.

Working nights isn't the issue.

porridgeisbae · 05/08/2023 23:24

You're not wrong @Mimsymumsymoo , that's really duff behaviour. OK he works nights in the week. He could still have made more of an effort to try and get to sleep earlier than he did, he only had to be up in the afternoon.