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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague sent me a dick pic

273 replies

Fiascoo · 05/08/2023 14:35

Last night, totally out of the blue. He said "fancy helping me out with this?" 🤮

I replied with 😱 and he said "is that it?" I just replied saying "I'm busy." And it's been left at that.

I'm mortified. For context he's about 12 years older, married with a young child.

Maybe I've been too nice about it, but he could make things difficult for me at work which is why I replied in the way I did.

Aibu not to have been more harsh? I feel so uncomfortable about it.

OP posts:
MorganSeventh · 05/08/2023 16:12

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 16:06

Cyberflashing is illegal in England and Scotland and Wales, with it being made illegal in Scotland in 2010 and illegal in England and Wales as of March 13th 2022.

Apparently it carries a sentence of up to two years imprisonment. He should be very afraid.

That blog is wrong. It was announced by Government on 22 March 22 that Cyber-flashing was going to become a crime, but the law to make it a crime - the Online Safety Bill - is still going through the legislative process.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/cyberflashing-to-become-a-criminal-offence

‘Cyberflashing’ to become a criminal offence

‘Cyberflashing’ will become a new criminal offence with perpetrators facing up to two years behind bars under new laws to be introduced by the Government.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/cyberflashing-to-become-a-criminal-offence

DaphneDeloresMoreheadRidesOn · 05/08/2023 16:14

MorganSeventh · 05/08/2023 15:59

I'm sorry that happened to you, OP. It isn't your fault and I agree you should report to HR. The fact his response was 'is that it?' and not 'oh shit I'm so sorry, that wasn't meant for you' is very telling.

With regards to reporting to the police, as I understand Cyber-flashing is not presently an offence in England and Wales. It's in the Online Safety Bill which is currently going through the House of Lords but which has not yet received Royal Assent.

So hopefully this year it will become a criminal offence, and when you are talking with HR that might be worth mentioning this, but I wouldn't refer to it as being a criminal offence.

That's not quite true actually. This could be recorded under the Malicious Communications Act which can be very widely applied to various media although you do have to prove that the person intended to cause distress.
"send or deliver letters or other articles for the purpose of causing distress or anxiety".
This is what the majority of social media/phone stuff is crimed under. You can go to prison for two years for the offence although the mind boggles what you'd have to do for that. The new legislation makes a more specific offence which will be easier to prove.
it's a bit like the new offence of non-fatal strangulation. It was always covered under the old legislation under common assault/abh/gbh depending on injuries but the new offence is much more specific and will carry better sentencing powers.
so op, yes you can report it to the police and it be recorded :)

MorganSeventh · 05/08/2023 16:17

DaphneDeloresMoreheadRidesOn · 05/08/2023 16:14

That's not quite true actually. This could be recorded under the Malicious Communications Act which can be very widely applied to various media although you do have to prove that the person intended to cause distress.
"send or deliver letters or other articles for the purpose of causing distress or anxiety".
This is what the majority of social media/phone stuff is crimed under. You can go to prison for two years for the offence although the mind boggles what you'd have to do for that. The new legislation makes a more specific offence which will be easier to prove.
it's a bit like the new offence of non-fatal strangulation. It was always covered under the old legislation under common assault/abh/gbh depending on injuries but the new offence is much more specific and will carry better sentencing powers.
so op, yes you can report it to the police and it be recorded :)

Show quote history

I stand corrected!

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 16:18

Thanks for clarifying that @DaphneDeloresMoreheadRidesOn. My post quoted a solicitor’s website, not a blog.

DaphneDeloresMoreheadRidesOn · 05/08/2023 16:21

No worries, I work in a police control room and previously would have been dealing with these sorts of calls. I can only go by what I would have done but in my force it definitely would be crimed :)

DaphneDeloresMoreheadRidesOn · 05/08/2023 16:24

@MorganSeventhbut the blog you linked to is good - the Malcomms offence isn't really right for this and I'm sure you know legislation is ever adapting to new ways people abuse others. It just takes a while to catch up.
you were absolutely correct that it couldn't be recorded as the new cyber flashing offence

DaphneDeloresMoreheadRidesOn · 05/08/2023 16:27

And in relation to people surely not doing stupid things when they know the victim has proof of what they've done....
well I'm sure I could write a book 😂

Buildingthefuture · 05/08/2023 18:31

MN is at times, the weirdest place in the world. I have all the work numbers and all the private numbers of all the men that work for me. For no other reason than the first are the work phones (that I pay for) and the second are the “in case of emergency” numbers. They are all plugged in to my personal phone because I only have one phone. If ANY ONE of those men sent me a dick pic??? I would sack them immediately. And if they sent that an unsolicited dic pick to anyone one of my female staff? Same result. Sacked. HR is there for a reason and is a very valuable resource. But if HR couldn’t find a justifiable reason to sack some dirty fucker who sent an unsolicited dic pick? I would sack them anyway and take my chances at tribunal. This shit doesn’t happen on my watch, ever.

InsomniacsWife · 05/08/2023 18:34

Please report this to HR.

You don't know what he might do next time to someone

Any consequences isn't your fault. He's responsibile alone for any fallout from this.

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 18:58

OP, you don't have to do anything. You are in control. But you have been abused here. What he did was really awful, and not at all your fault. Whether you feel able to disclose is your decision.

Mamai90 · 05/08/2023 19:05

HaIIie · 05/08/2023 15:41

I'd struggle with what to do in this situation. It's easy for everyone on here to say get to HR, and my first thing would be to say the same thing. But in reality, I think I'd struggle to go straight to HR even though I know I should. I think I'd find it easier to have a word with the creep and tell him you have screenshots and if he dares do anything like that again you'll be straight to HR. But even hearing myself say those words I know its not the right thing to do, the right thing is to report him to HR, but you know he will lose his job (and so he should). So it's a big decision.

He should lose his job and I'd have no sympathy for him if he did. Only for his wife and child. Disgusting dirty pervert.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/08/2023 19:16

He is very senior to me, I am worried no one will take me seriously

Depending on how much they want to keep him you could well be right - though please don't imagine I'm suggesting that would be acceptable

Clearly you need to take this to HR, but I strongly recommend:

  1. Taking someone with you (union rep?) to witness what's said
  2. Asking for their response to be put in writing
  3. Keeping dated, detailed notes of absolutely everything
Feelingsad12 · 05/08/2023 19:20

I managed this exact scenario at work - the man was sacked within 3 days. The colleague immediately went to the boss of the man who had done it (who was male and rightly appalled). If it isn’t taken seriously I would go straight to the HR director

BashfulClam · 05/08/2023 19:48

Daisymay2 · 05/08/2023 14:40

I thought it was an offence to send an unsolicited dick pick.?Report to police.
dunno about him making life difficult for you, I would raise it with HR or management on Monday.

It is. There was a poster up in my local train saltation about it. You can report this to the police.

catgirl1976 · 05/08/2023 19:55

Not read the whole thread but HR person here - who would absolutely take this seriously and his seniority would not protect him in any way. Please go to your HR team. This is sexual harassment and companies take it very very seriously (apart from the fact it’s abhorrent they can also be held liable)

DaphneDeloresMoreheadRidesOn · 05/08/2023 20:03

Just thinking about him having your number - if he's accessed work systems to obtain your number in order to contact you out of work for non-work reasons there potentially may be a misuse of company systems.
if that happened in the organisation I work for, regardless of the content of the message, if the recipient made a complaint the "sender" would be in hot water.
"I accessed Mary's personal details in order to invite her out on a date" would not go down well.

Valeriekat · 05/08/2023 20:55

In the current climate I would say that the more senior he is the more likely there are to be consequences for him.
Senior execs just cannot get away with this sort of thing any longer.

Valeriekat · 05/08/2023 21:12

Look at what happened at MacDonalds!
This is a big deal these days. He won't be able to get away with this.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 05/08/2023 21:18

Fiascoo · 05/08/2023 14:37

He is very senior to me, I am worried no one will take me seriously.

He sent it out with working hours, does that matter?

if they don’t listen post it on fucking LinkedIn. This is outrageous.

WeAreTheHeroes · 05/08/2023 21:33

Fiascoo · 05/08/2023 15:16

I didn't think of him saying he'd had his phone stolen. He could easily say this, couldn't he? Then it would be me having to leave my job.
I am just questioning everything now. I hate that he's put me in this position.

If you can clearly see it's him, it's much more difficult for him to say his phone was stolen. I was thinking of the scenario where someone has his phone and gets kicks out of sending dick pics from someone else's phone.

WeAreTheHeroes · 05/08/2023 21:36

I believe this man has committed a criminal offence. Do not be intimated by his seniority at work. The reality is that he's a lowlife sex pest.

Wavessea · 05/08/2023 21:46

Not sure if this has been said but he will be doing this to a number of colleagues.
He will be enjoying the power trip.

Gillyyy · 05/08/2023 21:53

Another poster mentioned it already but it definitely needs reporting to the police & HR because sending unsolicited pictures can lead to further sexual crimes.

You have enough evidence and should be taken seriously. You never know, others might have reported things before but without solid evidence or a pattern of behaviour they might have struggled to dismiss. Also, by reporting it you are helping to protect other women from his unacceptable behaviour.

JMSA · 05/08/2023 23:23

What an absolute cunt.

fibrecruncher · 05/08/2023 23:43

Please report this to HR. You shouldn't have to put up with this sort of lecherous behavior.