Page 7 | Colleague sent me a dick pic

Fiascoo · 2023-08-05T13:35:05+00:00

Last night, totally out of the blue. He said "fancy helping me out with this?" 🤮 I replied with 😱 and he said "is that it?" I just replied saying "I'm busy." And it's been left at that. I'm mortified. For context he's about 12 years older, married with a young child. Maybe I've been too nice about it, but he could make things difficult for me at work which is why I replied in the way I did. Aibu not to have been more harsh? I feel so uncomfortable about it.

7eleven · 05/08/2023 15:23

I think the law has recently changed to make ‘cyber flashing’ a criminal offence. I’m guessing you don’t want to involve the police, though.

NettleTea · 05/08/2023 15:23

daisychain01 · 05/08/2023 15:20

it lacks credibility as described.

if the VSM made a pass, groped, or did some other inappropriate things but left no audit trail that's one thing, but doing it via their mobile phone that gives actual proof, why would any rational human being risk losing their job, their livelihood and bring shame on themselves and their family, breaching HR policy is such a way that the case against them is that photo evidence. It really doesn't make sense to me.

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because some men are so arrogant and self assured that they think they can get away with it

because some men are so arrogant and self assured that they mistake a junior female 'just being nice' as a come on

because some men are so arrogant and self assured they really believe they are gods gift

because some men are so arrogant and self assured they cannot imagine that their role as a Veery Important Man in the office could be threatened by some junior 'girl'

do you see the pattern yet?

Sailingthissummer · 05/08/2023 15:23

You will not be the only one being subjected to this, please report him.

KimberleyClark · 05/08/2023 15:24

You need to report to HR. Totally unacceptable behaviour in the workplace, even if he wasn’t married with a child.

onefinemess · 05/08/2023 15:24

HR?

It's a criminal offence. Report it to the police.

10HailMarys · 05/08/2023 15:25

Fiascoo · 05/08/2023 15:16

I didn't think of him saying he'd had his phone stolen. He could easily say this, couldn't he? Then it would be me having to leave my job.
I am just questioning everything now. I hate that he's put me in this position.

Even if his phone had been stolen, you still wouldn’t have to leave your job, because you have done nothing wrong by reporting it. Your HR team aren’t idiots. And if his phone was stolen and he is found not to have sent the pic, he would have nothing to be angry with you about because you wouldn’t have known and as a senior colleague he should support junior colleagues reporting concerns for investigation.

Choux · 05/08/2023 15:25

Fiascoo · 05/08/2023 15:16

I didn't think of him saying he'd had his phone stolen. He could easily say this, couldn't he? Then it would be me having to leave my job.
I am just questioning everything now. I hate that he's put me in this position.

You should ask HR to call him on the phone on Monday to check he still has it in his possession before telling him you have made a complaint.

Also If the background to the dick pic is clearly his house he can't claim his phone was stolen (unless he keeps dick pics on it all the time)

DaisyThistle · 05/08/2023 15:25

I agree about contacting HR. He abused access to your private phone number, given to him for work use. You barely know him and he is in a position of some authority over you at work. This is absolutely sexual abuse. Nothing in your post indicates any sort of flirtation or provocation, so HR should be able to handle it correctly.

YellowReadingLamp · 05/08/2023 15:26

@Blossomtoes I was just thinking the same!

People can be (and often are) completely stupid! Just look at the news for details of how people can be incredibly stupid.

I know of a teacher who tweeted a racist comment the SCHOOL'S TWITTER ACCOUNT. He was a working professional who had been in the job years.

It does not "lack credibility" because it's stupid. Some people are incredibly stupid! Especially the type of men who think women who have shown absolutely no romantic interest in them who appreciate a dick pic.

I've been stalked and harassed online by men who I have ACTIVELY AVOIDED and wanted nothing to do with (as I recognised them as being creeps). I take it @daisychain01 wouldn't believe that either as it's not credible.

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 15:27

Fiascoo · 05/08/2023 15:12

Completely naked, him lying on his bed and I could clearly see his bedroom (I presume, unless he was in someone else's house) in the background - pics on the wall/ furniture etc.

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Jaysus, where do they these notions from? Lol, state of him like. Yuk!

7eleven · 05/08/2023 15:27

I don’t think it lacks credibility at all. I reckon we can all think of someone in our acquaintance or in the public eye who’d behave like this.

Some feckin men think they can get away with anything. Look at the role models they’ve had in politics and sport!

DyslexicPoster · 05/08/2023 15:29

saffronsoup · 05/08/2023 14:37

Why did you even reply?

There has to be some context that led to him sending you the pic and you responding with emojis.

Seems like there is some mutual flirtation between you and this didn’t come out of the blue.

Wow have you ever worked with men? I was six months pregnant in the civil services. A colleague said to me "I didn't know you wanted a baby, I could have helped with that". I was married with a toddler. I did fuck all to get that comment. Except having tits and a vag of course so maybe that is he assumed a wanted to fuck him? Because, I MUST have asked for it. Being heavily pregnant by my husband, of course I'm naturally giving off come let's shag vibes

Datafan55 · 05/08/2023 15:30

10HailMarys · 05/08/2023 15:25

Even if his phone had been stolen, you still wouldn’t have to leave your job, because you have done nothing wrong by reporting it. Your HR team aren’t idiots. And if his phone was stolen and he is found not to have sent the pic, he would have nothing to be angry with you about because you wouldn’t have known and as a senior colleague he should support junior colleagues reporting concerns for investigation.

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Op is worried about the other option; ie he says he had his phone stolen so gets away with it, but persecutes her.

Choux · 05/08/2023 15:30

Cyberflashing is illegal in England and Scotland and Wales, with it being made illegal in Scotland in 2010 and illegal in England and Wales as of March 13th 2022.
www.dpp-law.com/blog/what-is-cyberflashing/#:~:text=Cyberflashing%20is%20a%20form%20of,could%20be%20a%20punishable%20offence.

HerAvatar · 05/08/2023 15:30

Fiascoo · 05/08/2023 14:47

Okay, I shouldn't have sent the emoji, maybe that makes it look like I wasn't that bothered. I don't know why I sent it, I didn't know what else to say. He was online and could see that I'd opened the message so I felt like I had to say something. Feels daft now.

No OP, you did absolutely nothing wrong so please don't take any notice of anyone who says otherwise. Don't go to HR with the attitude that you have done anything wrong either, this is 100% on your awful, sleazy colleague and HR need to treat it as the serious misconduct it is.

Yujismum · 05/08/2023 15:30

Blossomtoes · Today 15:22

daisychain01 · Today 15:20

it lacks credibility as described.

if the VSM made a pass, groped, or did some other inappropriate things but left no audit trail that's one thing, but doing it via their mobile phone that gives actual proof, why would any rational human being risk losing their job, their livelihood and bring shame on themselves and their family, breaching HR policy is such a way that the case against them is that photo evidence. It really doesn't make sense to me.
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Why? Because they’re an arrogant prick, perhaps? If you’ve never encountered those you’ve lived a very sheltered existence.

Exactly my thoughts. Where on earth have you been daisychain?

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 15:31

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 15:27

Jaysus, where do they these notions from? Lol, state of him like. Yuk!

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Well that puts paid to saying he had his phone stolen! What a fucking idiot.

Bromptotoo · 05/08/2023 15:34

As a straight man in his mid sixties I've never been sent a dick pic - or one of a woman's vulva, or even her boobs for for that matter. Are those even a thing?

Pictures I mean...

Like PP say the level of entitlement to even think of doing such a thing beggars belief.

Needs reporting internally NOW, like today, to HR and his line manager. If this stuff is criminal, and if not, unsolicited it bloody well should be then I'd be contacting them via the non emergency line, to sort out getting them to take action too.

How big is the outfit you work for - ie is it large enough to have a discreet HR function and people who can deal properly with the safeguarding etc issues involved.

If the answer is no - small family outfit for example - then it's much more difficult.

Datafan55 · 05/08/2023 15:34

PP saying get HR to phone/or someone to phone before you report.
This sounds like a good idea.
Would have to be someone who could/be happy to witness that he answered.

Or you'd have to tell HR, not to be seen to do so, let them phone him without warning him. Delicate timing required. Actually ideally HR wouldn't phone him but could witness someone known to him using the number.

JaninaDuszejko · 05/08/2023 15:36

@Fiascoo

Do not forward the image
Contact the police today because as everyone has said cyberflashing is a crime now. Also, it is increasingly recognised that flashing is an early rung in sexual violence, if you report this then it'll hopefully stop him progressing to other more serious sexual crimes.
Report to HR on Monday

daisychain01 · 05/08/2023 15:36

blueshoes · 05/08/2023 15:23

VSM dismissed for misconduct is the bit that is not a given, but the outrageous hiding-in-plain-sight behavior may very well have happened.

https://news.sky.com/story/odey-begins-shake-up-after-cutting-ties-with-scandal-hit-founder-12900747

Prominent hedge fund manager Crispin Odey accused of historic sexual harassment over 25 years.

Other famous ones include Bill Gates and Harvey Wienstein. Men have been getting away with this vile behaviour out in the open for years.

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This is my point.

yes it was happening in plain sight, before the age of mobile technology, and men were getting away with it. Women's voices were ignored or events were swept under the carpet back then. Nowadays the press and media have a field day

in this case the employer would be idiotic to ignore photo evidence the OP gives via for example the grievance process. That's why I struggle to understand how a senior member of staff thinks it's a good idea to make sexual advances and give all the evidence they need to get themselves banged to,rights, and possibly find it very difficult to get another job.

blueshoes · 05/08/2023 15:37

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 15:27

Jaysus, where do they these notions from? Lol, state of him like. Yuk!

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I give you Rudy Guiliani

https://www.theguardian.com/film/2020/oct/21/rudy-giuliani-faces-questions-after-compromising-scene-in-new-borat-film

Original poster

Fiascoo · 05/08/2023 15:37

Bromptotoo · 05/08/2023 15:34

As a straight man in his mid sixties I've never been sent a dick pic - or one of a woman's vulva, or even her boobs for for that matter. Are those even a thing?

Pictures I mean...

Like PP say the level of entitlement to even think of doing such a thing beggars belief.

Needs reporting internally NOW, like today, to HR and his line manager. If this stuff is criminal, and if not, unsolicited it bloody well should be then I'd be contacting them via the non emergency line, to sort out getting them to take action too.

How big is the outfit you work for - ie is it large enough to have a discreet HR function and people who can deal properly with the safeguarding etc issues involved.

If the answer is no - small family outfit for example - then it's much more difficult.

Unfortunately yes, I've received several over the years, as have all my friends (ranging from mid 20's - mid 30's). Thankfully never from a work colleague before.

Yes, the organisation is pretty large, I'm sure they'll take it seriously. I'm just worried he'll squirm his way out of it somehow and I'll be left looking like an idiot.

OP posts:

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 15:38

I don't know, i'm asking out of ignorance, but there's a thing in Ireland called constructive dismissal. It's basically about being pushed out of a job bc of unreasonable behaviour. Do ye have that in the UK? I assume you do bc we got most of our laws from you.

dottiedodah · 05/08/2023 15:39

A friend DD was in her first job at a large commercial office, a couple of weeks in and a creep with wandering hands was all over her .She was upset and didnt know what to do.A kind lady ,said she would come with her to management when she found her crying in the loo.Instant Dismissal! Well done that company.When will the Male pale and lets face seriously stale learn that this behaviour will not be tolerated any more?