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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague sent me a dick pic

273 replies

Fiascoo · 05/08/2023 14:35

Last night, totally out of the blue. He said "fancy helping me out with this?" 🤮

I replied with 😱 and he said "is that it?" I just replied saying "I'm busy." And it's been left at that.

I'm mortified. For context he's about 12 years older, married with a young child.

Maybe I've been too nice about it, but he could make things difficult for me at work which is why I replied in the way I did.

Aibu not to have been more harsh? I feel so uncomfortable about it.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 05/08/2023 15:39

daisychain01 · 05/08/2023 15:36

This is my point.

yes it was happening in plain sight, before the age of mobile technology, and men were getting away with it. Women's voices were ignored or events were swept under the carpet back then. Nowadays the press and media have a field day

in this case the employer would be idiotic to ignore photo evidence the OP gives via for example the grievance process. That's why I struggle to understand how a senior member of staff thinks it's a good idea to make sexual advances and give all the evidence they need to get themselves banged to,rights, and possibly find it very difficult to get another job.

Show quote history

Because he isn't thinking like that. He's thinking his seniority means she'll be intimidated into not saying anything, or he arrogantly thought she'd respond enthusiastically. Or plenty of other reasons that are entirely plausible. Your belief that a man like this thinks " I'd love to send a dick pic to that woman but she might not like it and I might get into trouble so better not" is really naive.

2catsandhappy · 05/08/2023 15:40

Good you are going to hr Monday.
He replied 'is that it?' that is proof it was NOT a mistaken send, wrong person or an oops. Stress that point to hr.
If it was a mistake he would have apologised straight away, he did not.
What a scumbag to contact you. Stay strong and don't second guess yourself. No minimising or 'maybe he was drunk' BS.

YellowReadingLamp · 05/08/2023 15:40

@daisychain01 you could say the same about a police officer with years of service behind him choosing to flash women in pubs and we all know how that worked out.

Poudretteite · 05/08/2023 15:40

daisychain01 · 05/08/2023 15:20

it lacks credibility as described.

if the VSM made a pass, groped, or did some other inappropriate things but left no audit trail that's one thing, but doing it via their mobile phone that gives actual proof, why would any rational human being risk losing their job, their livelihood and bring shame on themselves and their family, breaching HR policy is such a way that the case against them is that photo evidence. It really doesn't make sense to me.

Show quote history

It happened between my coworker and a boss at my old job. He had no problem messaging her inappropriately as well as several others. It was due to arrogance. He was sacked.

Leeanne922 · 05/08/2023 15:40

TomatoSandwiches · 05/08/2023 14:35

Send it to HR, I'm sure they can help him out.

hahaha

blueshoes · 05/08/2023 15:41

daisychain01 · 05/08/2023 15:36

This is my point.

yes it was happening in plain sight, before the age of mobile technology, and men were getting away with it. Women's voices were ignored or events were swept under the carpet back then. Nowadays the press and media have a field day

in this case the employer would be idiotic to ignore photo evidence the OP gives via for example the grievance process. That's why I struggle to understand how a senior member of staff thinks it's a good idea to make sexual advances and give all the evidence they need to get themselves banged to,rights, and possibly find it very difficult to get another job.

Show quote history

All I can say is because they can and probably have got away with it before.

In this day and age of phone cameras and filming and covert recording, I would say it is not that difficult to get evidence of the covert harassment that happened in the office kitchen. It will not just be women's voices anymore in this day and age. But they still do it.

As another poster said, you cannot believe how stupid men are when it comes to their dicks and sense of entitlement.

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 15:41

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 15:38

I don't know, i'm asking out of ignorance, but there's a thing in Ireland called constructive dismissal. It's basically about being pushed out of a job bc of unreasonable behaviour. Do ye have that in the UK? I assume you do bc we got most of our laws from you.

I described it wrong there. It's resigning from a job because of circumstances like these. So, ordinarily, you resign and get nothing, but this is treated like you were fired illegally.

HaIIie · 05/08/2023 15:41

I'd struggle with what to do in this situation. It's easy for everyone on here to say get to HR, and my first thing would be to say the same thing. But in reality, I think I'd struggle to go straight to HR even though I know I should. I think I'd find it easier to have a word with the creep and tell him you have screenshots and if he dares do anything like that again you'll be straight to HR. But even hearing myself say those words I know its not the right thing to do, the right thing is to report him to HR, but you know he will lose his job (and so he should). So it's a big decision.

Cherrysoup · 05/08/2023 15:42

HR, big time, then block him.

Glitterybee · 05/08/2023 15:43

What a dirty bastard.

HR is the only route.

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 15:43

HaIIie · 05/08/2023 15:41

I'd struggle with what to do in this situation. It's easy for everyone on here to say get to HR, and my first thing would be to say the same thing. But in reality, I think I'd struggle to go straight to HR even though I know I should. I think I'd find it easier to have a word with the creep and tell him you have screenshots and if he dares do anything like that again you'll be straight to HR. But even hearing myself say those words I know its not the right thing to do, the right thing is to report him to HR, but you know he will lose his job (and so he should). So it's a big decision.

I couldn’t even look at the disgusting creature, let alone speak to him.

Choux · 05/08/2023 15:44

The best course of action:

Today go to the police. He has broken the law by sending you that. When you give them his details say you are concerned he might claim his phone was stolen so would like them to call it and check he still has it in his possession before they talk to him about your complaint. Tell them the picture has background details which you assume is a room in his home. They can visit and look round and establish if it was taken at his house ie is him.

Monday go to HR and ask to raise a formal complaint of sexual harassment. Tell them you have reported it to the police as cyber flashing is a crime. When you give them the details say you are concerned he might claim his phone was stolen so would like them to call it and check he still has it in his possession before they talk to him about your complaint. Tell them the picture has background details which you assume is a room in his home. They can also visit and look round and establish if it was taken at his house ie is him.

If the police are also involved HR are less likely to do a whitewashed investigation due to his seniority. They will then be under more scrutiny as if the police confirm a crime has occurred they can't do nothing to him.

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 15:44

HaIIie · 05/08/2023 15:41

I'd struggle with what to do in this situation. It's easy for everyone on here to say get to HR, and my first thing would be to say the same thing. But in reality, I think I'd struggle to go straight to HR even though I know I should. I think I'd find it easier to have a word with the creep and tell him you have screenshots and if he dares do anything like that again you'll be straight to HR. But even hearing myself say those words I know its not the right thing to do, the right thing is to report him to HR, but you know he will lose his job (and so he should). So it's a big decision.

IDK why OP would care that he lost his job though? That would be the best result! For me the issue would be that he didn't lose his job, and she has to tuo along beside him pretending that everything is grand.

YellowReadingLamp · 05/08/2023 15:46

Let's be kind and worry that he'll lose his job/reputation and potentially his marriage.

Nope - F**k that big time. He 100% deserves everything that is coming to him.

Women should not feel guilty in these situations. That kind of thinking is what allows these twats to get away with it.

Poudretteite · 05/08/2023 15:47

HaIIie · 05/08/2023 15:41

I'd struggle with what to do in this situation. It's easy for everyone on here to say get to HR, and my first thing would be to say the same thing. But in reality, I think I'd struggle to go straight to HR even though I know I should. I think I'd find it easier to have a word with the creep and tell him you have screenshots and if he dares do anything like that again you'll be straight to HR. But even hearing myself say those words I know its not the right thing to do, the right thing is to report him to HR, but you know he will lose his job (and so he should). So it's a big decision.

The decision was his when he decided to sexually harass OP.

MistyMorningMelons · 05/08/2023 15:49

HaIIie · 05/08/2023 15:41

I'd struggle with what to do in this situation. It's easy for everyone on here to say get to HR, and my first thing would be to say the same thing. But in reality, I think I'd struggle to go straight to HR even though I know I should. I think I'd find it easier to have a word with the creep and tell him you have screenshots and if he dares do anything like that again you'll be straight to HR. But even hearing myself say those words I know its not the right thing to do, the right thing is to report him to HR, but you know he will lose his job (and so he should). So it's a big decision.

Don't do this. Don't approach him yourself.

I'd go to HR and also speak to ACAS so you have some idea of how things should progress. If it's a big company they should deal with it appropriately.

If they attempt to manage you out then take them to the cleaners. Document everything from hereon.

Do you know if he used a work phone to contact you? Is your phone a work phone?

He's banking on you being too intimidated to escalate, otherwise he would've attempted to back pedal already. If he sends you anything else, don't reply, just screenshot. I wouldn't block him yet.

Bromptotoo · 05/08/2023 15:50

Has there ever been any suggestion amongst colleagues that this man has sent indecent pictures or otherwise been seriously inappropriate before?

Choux · 05/08/2023 15:54

Bromptotoo · 05/08/2023 15:50

Has there ever been any suggestion amongst colleagues that this man has sent indecent pictures or otherwise been seriously inappropriate before?

Even if colleagues aren't aware of previous instances or alleged instances HR might be. They might have a file on him already but need a little bit more concrete evidence before they feel they can act.

Arightoldcarryabag · 05/08/2023 15:55

Report it. If they don't fire him, quit and claim constructive dismissal through the courts.
Absolute scum, you won't be the first person he's abused like this and you won't be the last.
He's bang to rights, report to HR and management.

MorganSeventh · 05/08/2023 15:59

I'm sorry that happened to you, OP. It isn't your fault and I agree you should report to HR. The fact his response was 'is that it?' and not 'oh shit I'm so sorry, that wasn't meant for you' is very telling.

With regards to reporting to the police, as I understand Cyber-flashing is not presently an offence in England and Wales. It's in the Online Safety Bill which is currently going through the House of Lords but which has not yet received Royal Assent.

So hopefully this year it will become a criminal offence, and when you are talking with HR that might be worth mentioning this, but I wouldn't refer to it as being a criminal offence.

user1469908686 · 05/08/2023 15:59

The big gossip of our industry this year has been a very senior figure who was reported for a similar thing - he wasn’t sacked as he was one of the bosses, but he was made to take early retirement.

If it’s not taken seriously by your employers, I think you’d have grounds to pursue it with outside agencies.

TheoTheopolis23 · 05/08/2023 16:02

but he could make things difficult for me at work which is why I replied in the way I did.

Eh no, you could make things extremely difficult at work for him.

He can (and should) lost his job.

Also you didn't reply anything that made you look interested or encouraging

Un7breakable · 05/08/2023 16:05

Screenshot and go to HR first thing Monday

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 16:06

Cyberflashing is illegal in England and Scotland and Wales, with it being made illegal in Scotland in 2010 and illegal in England and Wales as of March 13th 2022.

Apparently it carries a sentence of up to two years imprisonment. He should be very afraid.

Janiie · 05/08/2023 16:10

daisychain01 · 05/08/2023 15:15

Is this for real? I'm struggling.

very senior manager sends highly inappropriate text to another employee, so there is tangible proof of what he did. employee takes it to HR and VSM is dismissed for gross misconduct.

it just makes zero sense as described.

Happens all the time, arrogant men behaving recklessly. Look what we've just had with allegations about a BBC presenter paying a very young person for sexual images without hiding his identity.

Seems that some men just go through life thinking they can behave as they like.