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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague sent me a dick pic

273 replies

Fiascoo · 05/08/2023 14:35

Last night, totally out of the blue. He said "fancy helping me out with this?" 🤮

I replied with 😱 and he said "is that it?" I just replied saying "I'm busy." And it's been left at that.

I'm mortified. For context he's about 12 years older, married with a young child.

Maybe I've been too nice about it, but he could make things difficult for me at work which is why I replied in the way I did.

Aibu not to have been more harsh? I feel so uncomfortable about it.

OP posts:
Farmageddon · 05/08/2023 14:57

I'm sorry OP, what a shithead. I can totally understand the sense that you need to respond somehow, mixed with the awkwardness of him being more senior than you.
I would take a screenshot of the conversation in case he tries to delete it, and then have a meeting with HR on Monday.

Please see this for what it is - harassment. You may not be the first or the last woman he does this too, please report it. This slimeball relies on women being too shocked and embarrassed to say anything ...

ChronicallyUnhappy · 05/08/2023 14:58

This reply has been deleted

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I have nearly all my coworkers numbers. Some for work related purposes (different offices or some WFH), others because they’ve become my friends.

It’s not unusual at all

Reugny · 05/08/2023 14:58

This reply has been deleted

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I worked with various people over the years and they have my mobile phone number as lots of places no longer have desk phones. This is for various reasons e.g. we can co-ordinate meeting before going to a client, to let someone in a building.

Lifeomars · 05/08/2023 14:58

saffronsoup · 05/08/2023 14:37

Why did you even reply?

There has to be some context that led to him sending you the pic and you responding with emojis.

Seems like there is some mutual flirtation between you and this didn’t come out of the blue.

Is this victim blaming reply the 21st C version of "she was wearing a short skirt"?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/08/2023 14:59

There has to be some context that led to him sending you the pic

Unsolicited dick pics never have context that stretches beyond "sick perv wants to make woman uncomfortable"

yaya83 · 05/08/2023 14:59

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More victim blaming-how does he have her number? Eh, they work together-fairly normal to have the numbers of work colleagues in order to contact them about work related issues?!

ChronicallyUnhappy · 05/08/2023 14:59

Honestly people are focusing on the emojis, and I think they’re right

You shouldn’t have sent THOSE emojis

you should have sent these “😂🔎🤏🏻”

(obviously I’m joking)

blueshoes · 05/08/2023 15:00

Does the office issue you work phones and he contacted you on a work phone? It does not make a difference but will be a stronger case that you thought he contacted you re: work. He started ouy by can you help me with this. You would of course assume it was work-related.

No one expects a dick pic to follow.

I wonder if he is so bold and blatant because he has got away with it before. Just hoping that HR will support you but at the same time, putting my cynical glasses on.

Definitely screenshot it, use email to create a paper trail and gather as much evidence as you can so you are in a strong legal position vis-a-vis the company.

GrumpyOldCrone · 05/08/2023 15:00

There is no context that excuses unsolicited photographs of a colleague’s penis.

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2023 15:00

TomatoSandwiches · 05/08/2023 14:35

Send it to HR, I'm sure they can help him out.

This. Many times this.

Duckingella · 05/08/2023 15:01

Go to the police.This is called Cyber flashing and carries up to a two year prison term.

Once you have a crime reference number go to HR.He is absolutely disgusting and obviously thinks his position means he can sexually harass women thinking they won't do anything.

His poor wife deserves better than this creep and you did not deserve to get that photo.

AnSolas · 05/08/2023 15:01

This reply has been deleted

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One side decided to gamble his job by sending an indecent image over telecoms, using phone data obtained from work and probably a work phone.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/08/2023 15:01

Yes, I agree. Police first. Then approach HR with crime number.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/08/2023 15:02

Fuck yes. Police. Crime ref number will highlight the importance of this to HR.

Rosscameasdoody · 05/08/2023 15:02

saffronsoup · 05/08/2023 14:43

Not victim shaming. Most people would not engage in a fun back and for the with emojis if they got an unsolicited random dic pic from a colleague.

As seen from the responses most would go to HR or ignore. When two people engage in back and forth with emojis, there is more context.

Show quote history

Your absolutely are victim shaming and you’re coming across as an apologist for this arsehole. OP has explained she didn’t know what to do as he could see she’d opened it. Hardly ‘fun back and forth’ when he’s the only one having the ‘fun’ sexually harassing her.

caringcarer · 05/08/2023 15:02

Screen shot so he can't delete them go to HR first thing Monday morning. I'd go in early to see them before I start work. Make sure you make it a formal complaint. He will be disciplined and it will sit on his record. You don't know he might have done something like this before and have already have a warning on his file, in which case he could be fired. Don't let it go OP. He is disgusting.

Original poster
Fiascoo · 05/08/2023 15:03

Thanks everyone, your posts have made me see sense. I have taken screenshots and I'll speak to HR on Monday.

In reply to some of the questions, I've always been nice to him, I'm nice to everyone, I haven't treated him any differently to how I treat anyone else.

It's quite common in my workplace to have other colleagues numbers - I thought this was usual? From the lack of response today (I thought he might apologise for being drunk as a pp suggested) I feel like this probably isn't the first time he's done it.

OP posts:
JennyDreadful · 05/08/2023 15:03

GrumpyOldCrone · 05/08/2023 15:00

There is no context that excuses unsolicited photographs of a colleague’s penis.

Absolutely this.

He will be fired for gross misconduct. Your response is immaterial.

Do you have union representation?

DinoRoar14 · 05/08/2023 15:03

Ruin his fucking life!

HR
Police
And Wife!

Tell everyone you know. Men like this need to be eradicated.

Dora33 · 05/08/2023 15:03

saffronsoup · 05/08/2023 14:43

Not victim shaming. Most people would not engage in a fun back and for the with emojis if they got an unsolicited random dic pic from a colleague.

As seen from the responses most would go to HR or ignore. When two people engage in back and forth with emojis, there is more context.

Show quote history

How on earth is the use of 1 single emoji in such a situation equate to " fun back and forth".
The OP inital response to such abusive should not be judged. For any of us to attempt to try and make something out of it, is uncalled for.

GeekyDiva80 · 05/08/2023 15:04

Maybe message was meant to be sent to someone else. Affair perhaps?

SquashPenguin · 05/08/2023 15:04

Thats repulsive. Report report report this man. No one should have to put up with that 🤮

Poudretteite · 05/08/2023 15:04

HR will absolutely take this seriously
They are opening themselves up to lawsuits if they don't
Especially as you have evidence
(Make sure you screenshot)

DaisyThistle · 05/08/2023 15:05

saffronsoup · 05/08/2023 14:37

Why did you even reply?

There has to be some context that led to him sending you the pic and you responding with emojis.

Seems like there is some mutual flirtation between you and this didn’t come out of the blue.

Where do you get the idea there is mutual flirtation? Can you not get your head around the idea that some men think if they are turned on by a woman, all they need to do is whip out the fleshlump and she'll be drooling like a porn star?

Lifeomars · 05/08/2023 15:05

Fiascoo · 05/08/2023 14:47

Okay, I shouldn't have sent the emoji, maybe that makes it look like I wasn't that bothered. I don't know why I sent it, I didn't know what else to say. He was online and could see that I'd opened the message so I felt like I had to say something. Feels daft now.

Please don't blame yourself in any way, it must have been a shock and possibly felt quite surreal. Who of us can predict how we would behave in the same circumstances. Consider reporting him to the police, if a man exposed himself to you when you were walking down the street it is of course illegal and I believe that sending unsolicited images falls into the same category. He needs sacking, he has no sense of boundaries and appropriate behaviour.

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