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Original poster

To be so embarrassed by my 5yo DD behaviour

233 replies

hellosunshin3 · 05/08/2023 10:05

I just had a friend over for the night.

DD,who is usually very pleasant, hardly acknowledged her and was so rude.

When she walked into the kitchen this morning, she walked straight past my friend without saying morning. When I said "what do you say to [friend], she bowed her head as though she had nothing to say.

When friend was leaving an hour or so later, she did the same thing and turned her head when I said "are you saying goodbye".

DH is socially awkward and was turning his back to do other stuff, butter his toast, make his coffee etc, when dear friend was talking to him. Made his breakfast and took it into the living room to eat it with the kids, saying he was looking after the kids but actually it was his way of escaping any social chat.

I'm so humiliated at them both. So cross at DD as she knows better and it's out of character. Was going to take them out for the day in this rain but feel as though she doesn't deserve to be treated after that behaviour. WWYD.

OP posts:
Zodfa · 07/08/2023 17:20

I wonder what the friend is like with children. Did she make an effort to interact with the daughter, in an age-appropriate way? In my experience almost all children, no matter how shy, will talk to adults - provided the adults talk to them properly.

BexleyTutor · 07/08/2023 19:13

The friend is someone to whom you are clearly close. Is there something that perhaps your DD and DH see about her, that you are too close to see? Is there something about her that they do not like very much? It might be worth stepping back a little and see if your behaviour when your friend is there is different in any way. There could be many reasons why your DD and DH are rather cold to her.

hot2trotter · 07/08/2023 19:14

A 5 year old is allowed to be shy/uncomfortable around an adult she barely knows. How many times has she met your friend? Is she a frequent guest?

GothicornMum · 07/08/2023 19:16

hellosunshin3 · 05/08/2023 10:05

I just had a friend over for the night.

DD,who is usually very pleasant, hardly acknowledged her and was so rude.

When she walked into the kitchen this morning, she walked straight past my friend without saying morning. When I said "what do you say to [friend], she bowed her head as though she had nothing to say.

When friend was leaving an hour or so later, she did the same thing and turned her head when I said "are you saying goodbye".

DH is socially awkward and was turning his back to do other stuff, butter his toast, make his coffee etc, when dear friend was talking to him. Made his breakfast and took it into the living room to eat it with the kids, saying he was looking after the kids but actually it was his way of escaping any social chat.

I'm so humiliated at them both. So cross at DD as she knows better and it's out of character. Was going to take them out for the day in this rain but feel as though she doesn't deserve to be treated after that behaviour. WWYD.

Our ds who now 14 has always been like this. Our friends and family know it's nothing personal and just his personality. We've tried EVERYTHING to get him to engage from a young age but ultimately, it's their choice. I'd maybe sit and have a chat to her (obviously on her level as she's young). Trust me, I used to cringe and be so awkward as I'd feel embarrassed, now I'm at the stage whereby I just leave him to it. If he wishes to miss out and not engage then that's his choice, tho I do uphold manners but he's obviously alot older.

Maybe, with time the phase will pass or maybe it won't but honestly don't feel embarrassed.

JaneyB321 · 07/08/2023 19:25

To be honest, I disagree with most of the posters here and agree with you OP. DD may only be 5 but she's at the age when she should be starting to observe and pick up social skills and to think about other people's feelings. Five-year-olds are a lot more 'with it' than people give them credit for. I would ask her why she behaved that way and explain that it isn't very nice to ignore people. Hopefully, it was only a one off.

Startyabastard · 07/08/2023 19:31

AngelicInnocent · 05/08/2023 10:11

You are being very unreasonable. You put your 5 year old in the position of being rude, trying to force her to be social with your friend. Being shy and not wanting to speak to someone, especially first thing is not the same as being actually rude.

This. Your 5 year old isn't 'very rude'.
My Dickensian parents would come out with this shit.

BlastedIce · 07/08/2023 19:36

JaneyB321 · 07/08/2023 19:25

To be honest, I disagree with most of the posters here and agree with you OP. DD may only be 5 but she's at the age when she should be starting to observe and pick up social skills and to think about other people's feelings. Five-year-olds are a lot more 'with it' than people give them credit for. I would ask her why she behaved that way and explain that it isn't very nice to ignore people. Hopefully, it was only a one off.

But if her father does it, why would she not do the same? 🤷‍♀️

Canisaysomething · 07/08/2023 19:46

It's your 5 year olds home. My young kids always feel put out and a bit strange if there's an adult they dont know staying over night in the house. Your DH is rude but your DD is totally normal and it doesn't sound like you are in tune with a 5 year olds feelings.

Canisaysomething · 07/08/2023 19:49

JaneyB321 · 07/08/2023 19:25

To be honest, I disagree with most of the posters here and agree with you OP. DD may only be 5 but she's at the age when she should be starting to observe and pick up social skills and to think about other people's feelings. Five-year-olds are a lot more 'with it' than people give them credit for. I would ask her why she behaved that way and explain that it isn't very nice to ignore people. Hopefully, it was only a one off.

Fine for an afternoon or evening guest but to expect manners when a random adult stays overnight in their home is way too much. It's a really intrusive thing for a 5 year old.

Clarabell77 · 07/08/2023 19:52

Absolutely OTT reaction. You can’t expect a 5 year old to perform at will and if my DH had a friend in our home first thing in the morning I’d be making myself scarce too. If your friend has a problem (I bet they don’t) then they’re not much of a friend.

Tina8800 · 07/08/2023 20:05

JaneyB321 · 07/08/2023 19:25

To be honest, I disagree with most of the posters here and agree with you OP. DD may only be 5 but she's at the age when she should be starting to observe and pick up social skills and to think about other people's feelings. Five-year-olds are a lot more 'with it' than people give them credit for. I would ask her why she behaved that way and explain that it isn't very nice to ignore people. Hopefully, it was only a one off.

Exactly! They need to learn!
Teaching them good manners is our job as parents.
There is a difference in being strict and being cruel; unfortunately, loads of people do not find the right balance.

user1477391263 · 07/08/2023 20:09

Canisaysomething · 07/08/2023 19:49

Fine for an afternoon or evening guest but to expect manners when a random adult stays overnight in their home is way too much. It's a really intrusive thing for a 5 year old.

Show quote history

Mumsnet seems to be full of people who resent friends, hate visitors, panic and refuse to answer when someone knocks on the door, etc. Why is the prospect of an overnight guest so alarming? It’s her mum’s friend, not a random drunk who slumped against the front door late last night.

Tina8800 · 07/08/2023 20:11

*difference not balance

HulaChick · 07/08/2023 20:17

I actually think it's good that you're prepared to hold your daughter to account fir her lack of manners. OK, so cancelling the trip out would have been a bit ott but, even at 5, children can and should know how to be polite. She didn't need to have a long conversation with your friend, or even a conversation at all, but she should definitely have acknowledged your friend when she said good morning to her and should also have said goodbye when your friend went. I totally get that she might be shy but I'm also totally in support of you trying to instill in your child what constitutes social good manners. At 5, you do know that, or should do. With the attitude from most people on here, it's hardly surprising that teachers are seeing an increasing lack of manners.

Daisymum18 · 07/08/2023 20:19

I agree with every other comment here she wasn't being rude never ever force a child to interact with an adult she's your friend not your daughter's she bowed her head as you made her feel bad for not greeting your friend or saying goodbye .... Maybe talking to her to find why in this circumstance she chose not to interact when she's usually happy to ... Is this friend familiar to your daughter or is it a first time thing .... Alot can be learned from the way a child behaves it's not being awkward rude or naughty there is always a reason always for behaviour changes maybe she just felt in a shitty mood and couldn't be bothered to be little miss sunshine or maybe that person doesn't give her good vibes talk to her don't punish her for being human never be embarrassed for such silly things I understand if your post was my daughter punched my friend in face but just for not greeting your mate that's not fair

lap90 · 07/08/2023 20:36

I think it's great you took her to soft play in the end.
Saying 'hello'/'goodbye' to a visitor in your home really asking too much from your child. It's pretty basic.

Tina8800 · 07/08/2023 20:36

"never ever force a child to interact with an adult she's your friend not your daughter's" @Daisymum18

Are you being serious?????? Its must be a joke! What kind of life lesson is that????
Thank you for raising children who are afraid of they own shadow and getting anxiety just by saying good morning later on they life!

You are a parent!! Do the parenting!!!

Elaina87 · 07/08/2023 21:03

What the heck?? Your 5 year old does not know better! Your DH yes- he was rude, he may be introverted and struggle in social situations which is fair enough, but he should do his best to be polite. Your 5 year old however does not have to put on a show for your friend....she's still learning and possibly copying her Dad. A little chat about being friendly to guests is all it needs, but don't push her, she's so young.

Elaina87 · 07/08/2023 21:06

Tina8800 · 07/08/2023 20:36

"never ever force a child to interact with an adult she's your friend not your daughter's" @Daisymum18

Are you being serious?????? Its must be a joke! What kind of life lesson is that????
Thank you for raising children who are afraid of they own shadow and getting anxiety just by saying good morning later on they life!

You are a parent!! Do the parenting!!!

No, sorry... she is right. She is 5. A little chat about being friendly yes... but not forced into interacting and at 5 it's not her job so say good morning first!

Okaaaay · 07/08/2023 21:41

I have experienced this, it’s embarrassing and made me sad for me, my DD, my husband and my family. The way I get over it is to ‘out’ it with people - tell them beforehand or follow up with a text saying you were slightly mortified. You can’t control what they do but you can control your reaction and ownership of their behaviour.

SallyWD · 07/08/2023 22:25

HarrietJet · 05/08/2023 10:14

God almighty, calm down Confused. Your 5 year old was feeling a bit shy, so what? Leave her be.

Exactly!! My son had selective mutism at that and found it incredibly difficult to say a single word to adults. It's absolutely wrong to punish a child for shyness. You'll only make her more socially anxious.

NosinaBook · 07/08/2023 22:47

I would take my child out for the day, have fun then have a wee chat later on about how the way she reacted could make guests feel unwelcome but I wouldn't make a big deal about it. She is only 5, plus you kinda threw her under a bus by forcing the situation. I think you need to reflect on why it made you so angry. Your family shouldn't have to put on airs and graces for your true friends.

Daisymum18 · 07/08/2023 23:21

I did not read in the op that DD ignored mums friend when her friend said good morning in fact there was no mention of the friend saying good morning I read what everyone else read daughter was expected to greet the friend upon waking like a tiny consearge had it been a case of" my daughter didn't acknowledge my friend despite her being friendly and trying to interact " then obviously I'd say" such and such just said good morning to you it's not nice to ignore people when they speak to you what do you say"...and as for the woman that asked me was I joking I'm not going to sit here and judge your parenting my children both have additional needs and I'd never put either in a situation they weren't comfortable with or talk to people they felt unsure of so my point of view is from an aspect of being a parent to children that are socially awkward and need that extra support and understanding but equally all our children are individual and should not be expected to stand on ceremony to greet guests like some twisted version of the sound of music they are allowed to make choices and those include whom they interact with

Padz · 08/08/2023 09:10

😂 wait till the teenage years!

Pandajane · 08/08/2023 23:28

She's 5 - she doesn't 'know better' and she doesn't owe you or your friend anything. I'm gobsmacked that you would consider punishing a child for not demonstrating the correct level of social nicely. Think how you would feel if your child was able to say "you didn't play choo choos properly with my friend phoebe so you're not going to that girls night out as punishment - and you won't be going out again until you learn to feign the proper amount of interest in choo choo games!".