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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so embarrassed by my 5yo DD behaviour

233 replies

hellosunshin3 · 05/08/2023 10:05

I just had a friend over for the night.

DD,who is usually very pleasant, hardly acknowledged her and was so rude.

When she walked into the kitchen this morning, she walked straight past my friend without saying morning. When I said "what do you say to [friend], she bowed her head as though she had nothing to say.

When friend was leaving an hour or so later, she did the same thing and turned her head when I said "are you saying goodbye".

DH is socially awkward and was turning his back to do other stuff, butter his toast, make his coffee etc, when dear friend was talking to him. Made his breakfast and took it into the living room to eat it with the kids, saying he was looking after the kids but actually it was his way of escaping any social chat.

I'm so humiliated at them both. So cross at DD as she knows better and it's out of character. Was going to take them out for the day in this rain but feel as though she doesn't deserve to be treated after that behaviour. WWYD.

OP posts:
UnRavellingFast · 05/08/2023 11:55

Yeah my mum always put her need for social validation before my best interests and my privacy.

willWillSmithsmith · 05/08/2023 11:56

skyeisthelimit · 05/08/2023 11:52

OP, you probably won't come back to the thread, but I am glad that you took DD to softplay.

She is only 5 years old. You remind her to be polite but you don't punish her for not saying hello/goodbye. She's a child, this is what children do.

Your DH is a different matter, but your friend must be used to his ways by now.

With children you remind and encourage, you don't punish them., not at that age.

Very good advice.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2023 11:57

Grannyknowsbest · 05/08/2023 11:33

I cannot believe l am reading this. She is five and not a preforming seal. It's a natural response to what may seem like a scary or overwhelming situation... why are you embarrassed? Why are you punishing her for something so natural.At first l thought this was one if those wind up / made up stories.
Think you need to go to parenting lessons.
I'm actually crying for your little girl.
This is so so sad.

@Grannyknowsbest

Bit OTT

QuinnofHearts · 05/08/2023 12:12

She's 5. Kids are allowed bad days!

1037370E · 05/08/2023 12:16

Sounds like you might be projecting your feelings about DH's behaviour, onto DD. Could you be worried that she will grow up to be socially awkward too, and that has caused you to overreact?

EverydayParis · 05/08/2023 12:20

So cross at DD as she knows better and it's out of character.

Do you really expect your 5yo to know better than your grown adult DH? How come you can give him the understanding and leniency and not your 5yo child? Do you think you’ve become used to your DH’s shortcomings (in your eyes) and are projecting an adult relationship and expectations on your DD as replacement dynamic in your family?

Ihavehadenoughalready · 05/08/2023 12:44

My goodness. What would I do? I wouldn't force my 5 yr old to socialize with your adult friend, and I wouldn't begrudge my spouse wanting to leave you to your friend at breakfast.

Find some understanding about people who are not extroverts.

user1477391263 · 05/08/2023 12:46

OP, I think you probably reacted a bit too strongly to this because your DH is socially awkward and you are fearful of your DD ending up the same way.

I think she’s probably just 5 and this is nothing to panic about.

That said, yes, it is appropriate to apply some “kind” pressure to greet adults normally. Not because they are expected to be perfect at 5, but because learning processes have to involve learning, and learning means practicing.

I’m a bit concerned at the number of posters who seem to be fine with the idea of not doing anything to encourage normal social behavior in children. They are not going to get on in life unless they have manners and some small talk; it’s our job to teach them. But we need to teach them bit by bit, trying to be patient and positive. Little steps.

mysingingmonstersfan · 05/08/2023 12:47

I'm sure I read that it's not expected developmentally for children to be able to talk with unfamiliar adults until they are about 8. Just because she's your friend doesn't mean she's your daughters. I personally found the sort of 'say good morning to Auntie Susie' forced interactions excruciating as a young child.

TetherMetherPip · 05/08/2023 12:48

My DD has ASD, if I were to say to her “what are you going to say” when she came down in the morning trying to get her to say good morning or similar to a guest, there’s a good chance she wouldn’t actually know what she was expected to say and she would certainly be too shy to say anything if she did know! Chill a bit @hellosunshin3

TheWayTheLightFalls · 05/08/2023 12:51

I have to say (I have a child this age) that I absolutely would expect them to greet visitors in the circumstances you describe, and I tell DD that "shy" isn't an excuse to be rude (in her case she is a NT child who is anything but shy day to day and will speak to anyone, so "shy" doesn't wash with me). She doesn't need to discuss the weather but does need to say good morning, good bye, excuse me if she's passing etc. And I would be talking to her sternly afterwards if she didn't. Cancelling a soft play trip on a rainy day seems OTT and cutting your own nose off though.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 05/08/2023 12:55

hellosunshin3 · 05/08/2023 10:05

I just had a friend over for the night.

DD,who is usually very pleasant, hardly acknowledged her and was so rude.

When she walked into the kitchen this morning, she walked straight past my friend without saying morning. When I said "what do you say to [friend], she bowed her head as though she had nothing to say.

When friend was leaving an hour or so later, she did the same thing and turned her head when I said "are you saying goodbye".

DH is socially awkward and was turning his back to do other stuff, butter his toast, make his coffee etc, when dear friend was talking to him. Made his breakfast and took it into the living room to eat it with the kids, saying he was looking after the kids but actually it was his way of escaping any social chat.

I'm so humiliated at them both. So cross at DD as she knows better and it's out of character. Was going to take them out for the day in this rain but feel as though she doesn't deserve to be treated after that behaviour. WWYD.

Sounds like both dh and dd are possibly nd. It’s their house and she’s your friend. Your five year old isn’t there to entertain your friend.

professionalprofiterroletester · 05/08/2023 12:59

If you're punishing your 5-year-old daughter for having difficulty with shyness, and your husband can sense that you're resentful towards him for what seems to be an inherent part of his character, then it's important to recognize that this approach is unreasonable. No one should be punished for struggling, and I can understand that, as someone who is confident and sociable, you may want others to exude the same energy. However, shyness is a natural part of some people's personalities, and it's important to shift your perception of it. By approaching your daughter and husband with compassion and understanding, you may create a more comfortable environment where they feel comfortable attempting to socialize more, even if they come across as awkward or shy. Perhaps you are dealing with your own form of social anxiety one in which you are worried about how your friends will perceive your DH and DD. Your attitude can make all the difference in how they perceive themselves and their abilities to engage with others. Remember, punishing someone for struggling only reinforces their fear and insecurity and ultimately causes them to retreat further into themselves. Getting mad will have the precise opposite of your desired effect.

professionalprofiterroletester · 05/08/2023 13:01

for what seems to be an inherent part of his character that you must've known before procreating with him?

Gcsunnyside23 · 05/08/2023 13:04

Get a grip, she's 5. My 9 year old would probably act the same as he's shy around people and he's uncomfortable they are staying in his house. Same goes for your OH, he's not a performing monkey. As long as your oh acknowledged your friend that's enough. You are definitely being unreasonable to cancel a day out

ClairDeLaLune · 05/08/2023 13:06

You should be more cross at DH than DD. He’s a grown adult, he could have made a bit of an effort. DD can’t help being shy.

Reggieismycat · 05/08/2023 13:13

I would be more embarrassed by my DH,s rudeness than a shy 5 year old.

katepilar · 05/08/2023 13:17

I dont understand how you can be embarrassed by a shy 5yo who had a stranger in her home.
Do you feel you failed as a mother because you daughter doesnt match your expectations for her social behaviour?

Also, why do you expect your husband to chit chat with your friend who invaded his privacy at his home? Not everyone wants to talk to strangers over their breakfast when they might still be waking up.

Imho you are being very unreasonable.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2023 13:22

when your spouse has a mate over stay over after a night out or whatever as an invasion of your privacy?! If they walked in on you in the shower then yes, but saying hello in the kitchen is absolutely not! Just sounds a bit precious to me

kanyewestnortheast · 05/08/2023 13:22

So you are embarrassed that your daughter was.....embarrassed?

See how difficult that embarrassment is to deal with? Adults find it embarrassment so challenging that they frequent online forums to seek counsel, so it's really no wonder a 5 yo little girl struggles when encountering the same emotion. We're all human after all.

I wonder if your husband always like this or is he having an off day? Sounds as they may have social anxiety or ASD. Are the teachers concerned about DD interacting with others at school? Have an open honest convo with DP about it all.

WeightoftheWorld · 05/08/2023 13:27

Is she not shy? My 5 year old behaves like this as her usual but that's because she gets very shy/anxious with people she doesn't know well and can't talk then. I always encourage her and model good behaviour but that's it.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 05/08/2023 13:28

I'm failing to see how buttering one's toast and pouring coffee in one's own home in one's own kitchen, and excusing oneself to the other room to eat breakfast is so rude. She's your friend, not his. Did you agree ahead of time that you would all sit down to breakfast together? You may have assumed you would but I bet you did not discuss ahead of time.

I think I like the term a previous poster came up with. Would you like to be called "socially needy"? Does that make you uncomfortable? Why is it OK for you to call shy and/or introverted people including your husband "socially awkward"?

I for one am extremely tired of "socially needy" people thinking that I am being "awkward" when I really don't crave and need as much interaction as you all feel sorry for us not getting and do everything in your power to make us feel bad about.

The embarrassment you say you feel due to your DD and DH's interactions with Your Friend is indicative of you feeling yourself a failure at being unable to control the actions of your family members. You need to stop trying to make everyone around you act exactly how you do and recognize that everyone has their own personality and stop trying to change them. I mean this mostly in regards to you husband. Your daughter can be gently guided but if it turns out she's not as social as you and is more like your husband, you need to accept it and not criticize her personality and not see at as some personal failure on your part. And the part where you said to her "aren't you going to say goodbye?" made me cringe. You're the one being awkward saying that to her.

truthhurts23 · 05/08/2023 13:29

😂people like you dont know how good you have it, you sound so silly being embarrassed over something so minor

WandaWonder · 05/08/2023 13:30

hellosunshin3 · 05/08/2023 10:10

@sparepantsandtoothbrush she didn't see what DH did. She was out of the room then.

I agree cancelling the day feels disproportionate but she also needs to learn that acting that way isn't okay, surely!

At 5 I can't see her connecting the dot as in 'I did a naughty thing 2 hours ago now a few hours later I am not getting a fun thing' just an example

I would have dealt with it then and there and moved on

Kids are not perfect and if you start like this will she ever not be punished?

JusthereforXmas · 05/08/2023 13:33

You invited someone into everyone elses space and they aren't comfortable... YOU where rude.

You are not the only person who matters, you trod all over everyone else and didn't care about their feeling so why should they care about yours. You are the one who showed them its ok to not care about others comfort.