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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so embarrassed by my 5yo DD behaviour

233 replies

hellosunshin3 · 05/08/2023 10:05

I just had a friend over for the night.

DD,who is usually very pleasant, hardly acknowledged her and was so rude.

When she walked into the kitchen this morning, she walked straight past my friend without saying morning. When I said "what do you say to [friend], she bowed her head as though she had nothing to say.

When friend was leaving an hour or so later, she did the same thing and turned her head when I said "are you saying goodbye".

DH is socially awkward and was turning his back to do other stuff, butter his toast, make his coffee etc, when dear friend was talking to him. Made his breakfast and took it into the living room to eat it with the kids, saying he was looking after the kids but actually it was his way of escaping any social chat.

I'm so humiliated at them both. So cross at DD as she knows better and it's out of character. Was going to take them out for the day in this rain but feel as though she doesn't deserve to be treated after that behaviour. WWYD.

OP posts:
Rockfordpeach · 05/08/2023 10:24

Bloody hell, she's only 5. My 6 yr old DS would probably react in the same way, he clams up and goes quiet around other adults until he feels relaxed. I encourage him to say hi but would never get angry or punish him for not doing so. I think you are massively overreacting

LunaandLily · 05/08/2023 10:24

My neurotypical daughter did stuff like this all the time. She didn’t like sharing me and her response was to sulk. I shrugged it off. You can’t emotionally blackmail your child for not showing appeasement behaviours at all times. Ignore it and move on.

Believeitornot · 05/08/2023 10:26

Feels like you’re holding your DD to a much higher standard than your DH!!!! Is it because you think it makes you like a crap parent?

it doesn’t. She’s 5!

JudgeRudy · 05/08/2023 10:26

I think you're getting this out of proportion. I don't think your daughter was necessarily rude. Yes it would be nice if she was adept at social airs and graces but that doesn't mean she's done anything wrong....or you really.
I don't believe in enforced interactions so eg calling the children down from their bedroom/garden because Auntie Sue has arrived. I also don't feel children should be forced on each other simply because there are other kids in the house/at ghe event. I mean imagine if you were in a pub and the landlord said ' Oh you're a woman, ill put you over there with the female under 40s. Now chat away nicely.
It might be worth encouraging her in a less specific way. Eg when you're walking out see who can make a stranger smile first. Tell her people like it when tyou smile at them.its how they know you're a nice person.....but don't bang on about the specific incident or why doesn't she like your friend. She won't get it and will know you are disappointed in her which will hurt.

teaandbiscuits56 · 05/08/2023 10:27

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

NouveauNom · 05/08/2023 10:27

Are you an extreme people pleaser, OP? Your DD shouldn't have to perform for some random woman, she's in her own home.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2023 10:29

@hellosunshin3

I would be more concerned about your husband , now he DOES sound rude! You don’t get to opt out of basic manners cos you’re shy or socially awkward or whatever

Heyhoherewegoagain · 05/08/2023 10:29

TropicalTrama · 05/08/2023 10:13

She’s only 5 and she’s probably following her dad’s example. I wouldn’t punish her.

Exactly this, what sanction does your husband face for being rude? Because that’s what it is, not socially awkward, rude

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2023 10:30

NouveauNom · 05/08/2023 10:27

Are you an extreme people pleaser, OP? Your DD shouldn't have to perform for some random woman, she's in her own home.

@NouveauNom

i don’t think expecting her child to say hello and goodbye is expecting her child to perform, it’s just basic manners

ArseMenagerie · 05/08/2023 10:31

You are people pleading to an extreme degree. She’s 5 and isn’t there to make social niceties and be perfect while you entertain.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 05/08/2023 10:31

If a friend's child did this I'd just think they were feeling shy or not feeling up to talking. Not a big deal at all. If I was the friend in this situation I'd have been telling you it was fine and she didn't need to talk to me.

Lottie2shoes · 05/08/2023 10:31

While I understand where you are coming from, you do not want her to grow up being rude etc. , I would not actually punish her.
I would have a talk in a calm way, explaining it is common courtesy to say hi, hello, good morning etc.
I would still expect her to sometimes not say it but if you remind her every time, she will eventually get there without you prompting.
It is not the worst thing in the world but it is a good thing to teach a child.

Eudaimonia5 · 05/08/2023 10:32

You chose to marry and have children with a man who you say is socially awkward and can come across as rude (fine) but now you're expecting the child you had with him not to copy his behaviour? You think a 5 year old should know how to behave better than a grown man? She sees her dad being rude to people all the time and that's apparently fine so why can't she also be rude to people? If anything, at least you can say she's only a child and is still learning. How do you excuse your husband's behaviour to people?

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2023 10:33

You’ll not get much sympathy on here OP!

Most mumsnetters hate socialising (will find any excuse to get out of it) and so the idea of having a friend stay overnight in their home- their precious safe space which is just for them and their little family! - will blow their minds!

Prinnny · 05/08/2023 10:35

Children aren’t performing monkeys. Last thing I’d want to do in the morning would be to chat to DH’s friend if he’d stayed the night, I’d want him to leave so I can enjoy my Saturday morning in peace!

Lottie2shoes · 05/08/2023 10:35

As for your husband, did he answer? Have a quick conversation at least? I am not sure whether he was rude. If he talked to her but just did not look at her while making his breakfast, I do not see that as a bad thing. He was in the middle of something and did not want to hang around. Some people find it awkward talking to the opposite sex.
I would not personally hold that against him.

Unless he was actually rude, then that is a whole other thing.

BlastedIce · 05/08/2023 10:36

Totally OTT!!

AnImaginaryCat · 05/08/2023 10:36

Is your husband under 5?

Or do you think that females should be people pleasingly social by the age of 5 and males not untill the age of 75?

Ladyoftheknight · 05/08/2023 10:37

You sound awful, your 5 year old child doesn't want to talk to your friend, so what? Kids don't like strange adults, sometimes they don't even like adults they know! Get a grip and don't punish your child for having rights.

SummerHouse · 05/08/2023 10:38

I wonder if there is a little more to this. You are worried your DD will follow your DH in finding social interactions difficult?

I might have a chat with her but just a check in type thing. E.g "did you not feel like talking to DF this morning?"

Kids ignore me and I think nothing of it. I have never thought a child rude if they don't answer me.

Moveoverdarlin · 05/08/2023 10:40

She’s 5! My DD is the same age and takes to some people and not others. I think most 5 year olds would react like this if they didn’t know the person well. Your DH on the other hand sounds a drip, I can’t stand men that can’t hold a decent bit of chitchat.

WimpoleHat · 05/08/2023 10:40

I get a bit of this sometimes. I would approach it - calmly - with both of them along the lines of “I think my friend felt very awkward and unwelcome. It’s okay to feel shy, but it isn’t okay to allow that to become rudeness.” And you then speak to DD gently about how she should’ve said hello/goodbye/answered a guest in your house when she was spoken to. Address it, but try to use it as a learning point rather than make a big deal of it.

JudgeRudy · 05/08/2023 10:40

I wish we could move away from this concept of 'socially awkward'. It's such a loaded phrase and implies gheres something wrong. I have issues with people at the other end of the spectrum who insist on forcing themselves upon you and call you rude when you don't reciprocate. No, you was rude! You invaded my personal space which I politely let go but you still had the audacity to be affronted that I dared to not submit to your order. I find some of these interactions as tedious as someone mansplaining/offering unsolicited advice or chatting me up. By all means test the water with an offer of a suggestion of a conversation, but most of the time I just want you to leave me alone!

I'm going to start calling these people socially needy!

howtowriteahaiku · 05/08/2023 10:40

I think it’s nice to encourage children to be friendly and say hello to visitors and to explain the importance of this - and I don’t agree with other posters that it’s people pleasing to say hello to someone in your home!
at the same time she is really young and if you gently explain it to her but give her time to learn i think that’s a good way forward. My dd is very shy and I tell her she can just wave, she finds that easier than speaking

Willmafrockfit · 05/08/2023 10:41

surely it was up to your friend to go down to your dd's level, make any move, your dh you have forgiven and it seems you have forgiven your dd now too