Page 8 | To be so embarrassed by my 5yo DD behaviour

FatTonysSlimWife · 05/08/2023 14:40

DH is socially awkward and was turning his back to do other stuff, butter his toast, make his coffee etc, when dear friend was talking to him. Made his breakfast and took it into the living room to eat it with the kids, saying he was looking after the kids but actually it was his way of escaping any social chat.

When I read this part of your post I imagined your partner speaking to your friend, but whilst buttering his toast. Then you mention he leaves to avoid the social aspect. This behaviour sounds like "avoidance coping". Some peeps with social anxiety or ASD might avoid social situations altogether or find ways to distract themselves during them. For example, not making eye contact or turning away to butter toast aka limiting eye contact can help them deal with their nervousness. It might even make them feel better for a bit.

Anyway. That's my hunch.

DrBlackbird · 05/08/2023 14:45

.

RedRosette2023 · 05/08/2023 14:47

Have you considered that she’s just modelling behaviour displayed by your OH?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 05/08/2023 14:49

Seaweed42 · 05/08/2023 14:15

You are excusing DH his rude behaviour because....
(1) He's a man and can't handle his feelings
(2) You are afraid to pull him up on it because you have to keep him sweet.
(3) He's socially awkward poor lad.

He turned his back on your friend and then fucked off into the other room to eat instead of sitting at the table.

But he's a grown man.
You are treating him like he's 5.
And treating DD as if she's 45.

5yr old DD is getting the full force of your anger!

You'll need to be careful you don't end up unconsciously projecting your anger and frustration onto DD as she's growing up, when it's really DH you are angry with.

Anger is a funny thing. It can get transferred to the wrong person.

Given OP's OTT reaction to the 5 yo , I'd take the description of her husband with a pinch of salt too.

StaunchMomma · 05/08/2023 15:18

Christ, you sound like really hard work.

Why TF does a 5 year old have to perform for your mates?!

Embarrassing.

FreeRider · 05/08/2023 15:19

When I was 5 I was so fucking shy - mainly because by that age my parents had already made us move 4 times, I'd already gone to 2 different primary schools - that the first day I started at the next primary school I was too shy to ask where the toilets were...and promptly wet myself in front of my whole class.

That was 50 years ago and I can remember it as if it happened 50 minutes ago...

Instead of being upset for ME all my parents did was bollock me...for being shy. It was a private Catholic primary school and the nuns who had to deal with it were actually far kinder than my own fucking parents.

Leave your daughter alone, she's FIVE ffs. Wait until she's 6 at least before you expect her to be a social butterfly (sarcasm).

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 05/08/2023 16:01

MXVIT · 05/08/2023 14:19

My mum was like this, i was always made to perform socially despite being a painfully shy child and made to feel awful if I didn't. Was horrible.

Please don't punish your daughter for this, she's her own person, not an extension of you

But OP wasn't expecting her DD or DH to perform just do the basic courtesy of saying good morning or hello. I don't think that either of them should be made to do cartwheels nor do I think the DD should be punished, but teaching basic manners is something parents should instill into their children.

OCDmama · 05/08/2023 17:02

Wtf is wrong with you OP?

watcherintherye · 05/08/2023 17:23

Also, why do you expect your husband to chit chat with your friend who invaded his privacy at his home? Not everyone wants to talk to strangers over their breakfast when they might still be waking up.

Invaded his privacy? What an extreme way to describe a friend of the family (not someone the op dragged in off the street) staying overnight!

You can’t punish children for not adhering to adult norms for social interaction, but they need to learn (as do some adults). Politeness is a social skill and you can be polite as well as maintaining your boundaries.
Slightly different situation, but I always used to prime the dc before seeing friends/family for B’days/Xmas that whatever they thought of the presents people gave them, even if duplicates, saying a nice ‘thank you’ was non-negotiable, and we would sort refunds/exchanges later. There’s no harm in introducing age-aporopriate ‘chit-chat’ expectations beforehand. It’s a really useful skill to have!

WimpoleHat · 05/08/2023 17:27

My DH’s nephew was a very introverted child. His parents took the view that “he’s only 5/10/15….” and “that’s just James - it’s how he is”. Which is all very well and good - and was true - but he’s now 25. And, unfortunately, there are all sorts of situations where, despite the fact that he is actually a very nice young man, he comes across as very rude. No, children aren’t “performing seals” or any of the other things said by some posters. But there are pretty basic rules of good manners which older kids and adults are expected to abide by (and will be judged negatively if they don’t). And saying “good morning”/“hello” etc is most definitely one of those. So you do your child a disservice if you don’t help them - over time - to overcome that shyness to a point that they can function politely and know when and how they have to do it.

WhisperingHi · 05/08/2023 17:28

My 5 year old NEVER speaks to adults they barely know and almost always doesn't acknowledge even extended family they do know well unless necessary.

He's not rude, just shy.

I think you're being overly harsh.

user1477391263 · 05/08/2023 17:34

WimpoleHat · 05/08/2023 17:27

My DH’s nephew was a very introverted child. His parents took the view that “he’s only 5/10/15….” and “that’s just James - it’s how he is”. Which is all very well and good - and was true - but he’s now 25. And, unfortunately, there are all sorts of situations where, despite the fact that he is actually a very nice young man, he comes across as very rude. No, children aren’t “performing seals” or any of the other things said by some posters. But there are pretty basic rules of good manners which older kids and adults are expected to abide by (and will be judged negatively if they don’t). And saying “good morning”/“hello” etc is most definitely one of those. So you do your child a disservice if you don’t help them - over time - to overcome that shyness to a point that they can function politely and know when and how they have to do it.

This, so much.

It’s daft to expect perfect social graces from 5yos, but you still need to teach and encourage bit by bit. Not by banning soft play, but through talking to and encouraging your child.

Some of the posters on this thread are giving me insights into why employers and university lecturers are getting so frustrated at rude, socially inept young people who don’t understand how to behave with others.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 05/08/2023 18:21

But OP wasn't expecting her DD or DH to perform just do the basic courtesy of saying good morning or hello. I don't think that either of them should be made to do cartwheels nor do I think the DD should be punished, but teaching basic manners is something parents should instill into their children.

This!!!! There is some absolute batshit stuff on this thread - all along the lines that people should not do anything they dont want to - CF behaviour is based on such assumptions!!!!! There is nothing wrong with your child or partner being shy, or not wanting to chat. But ignoring someone in the house is just plain rude. Especially an invited guest. However, if OP partner finds this acceptable, I think she will find it hard to get her child to develop basic manners.

NIparty · 05/08/2023 18:38

TheWayTheLightFalls · 05/08/2023 12:51

I have to say (I have a child this age) that I absolutely would expect them to greet visitors in the circumstances you describe, and I tell DD that "shy" isn't an excuse to be rude (in her case she is a NT child who is anything but shy day to day and will speak to anyone, so "shy" doesn't wash with me). She doesn't need to discuss the weather but does need to say good morning, good bye, excuse me if she's passing etc. And I would be talking to her sternly afterwards if she didn't. Cancelling a soft play trip on a rainy day seems OTT and cutting your own nose off though.

Shyness isn't rudeness.

NIparty · 05/08/2023 18:43

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 05/08/2023 14:24

i disagree with many of the people in the thread. i expect everybody who lives in my house to acknowledge others. It is just downright rude and i would certainly be having words with my husband. (who has done this on occasion.)
My SIL often gave us the time the silent treatment in a morning and so did my nephew. It felt awful and tense. No excuse not to say morning.
If i sound harsh then so be it. i get compliments about how my children behave and how polite and friendly they are. That doesn’t happen by accident.

My mum got compliments about how polite her children were, but secretly we were both in counselling therapies and on anti depressants through our teen years. Outward appearances mattered more than what was going on on the inside. Obviously not saying that is the case for your children - perhaps yours are more extroverted or the social butterfly type - but being forced into these uncomfortable situations when you are naturally shy (does not equate rudeness btw), socially awkward, anxious and introverted, can do a lot of harm.

BrutusMcDogface · 05/08/2023 18:45

Dear god. Poor little five year old girl.

NIparty · 05/08/2023 18:45

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 05/08/2023 16:01

But OP wasn't expecting her DD or DH to perform just do the basic courtesy of saying good morning or hello. I don't think that either of them should be made to do cartwheels nor do I think the DD should be punished, but teaching basic manners is something parents should instill into their children.

Show quote history

I was a child in similar situations, and they do feel like performing.

watcherintherye · 05/08/2023 19:16

Shyness isn't rudeness.

No, it isn’t, but a parent’s job is to equip their children for living in society. If they find basic social interactions difficult, it’s not doing them any favours to simply shrug and say ‘they’re shy..’
A 5 year old is able to understand that if someone says hello/goodbye to you, you say the same back. It’s like learning times tables or how to do cursive writing. Some people get it, others need to work at it. Being able to chat with people you don’t know very well is a pretty essential skill, which will come more easily to some than others, obviously, but we’re talking about a very low bar. No one’s expecting a 10 minute monologue, just a couple of words!

NIparty · 05/08/2023 19:21

watcherintherye · 05/08/2023 19:16

Shyness isn't rudeness.

No, it isn’t, but a parent’s job is to equip their children for living in society. If they find basic social interactions difficult, it’s not doing them any favours to simply shrug and say ‘they’re shy..’
A 5 year old is able to understand that if someone says hello/goodbye to you, you say the same back. It’s like learning times tables or how to do cursive writing. Some people get it, others need to work at it. Being able to chat with people you don’t know very well is a pretty essential skill, which will come more easily to some than others, obviously, but we’re talking about a very low bar. No one’s expecting a 10 minute monologue, just a couple of words!

Yes, please see my previous posts. Punishing shyness isn't teaching social skills, it's exacerbating shyness, crushing self esteem. You don't treat shyness as rudeness, you treat it as actual shyness, and scaffold around it to help a child gently overcome it.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 05/08/2023 19:54

watcherintherye · 05/08/2023 19:16

Shyness isn't rudeness.

No, it isn’t, but a parent’s job is to equip their children for living in society. If they find basic social interactions difficult, it’s not doing them any favours to simply shrug and say ‘they’re shy..’
A 5 year old is able to understand that if someone says hello/goodbye to you, you say the same back. It’s like learning times tables or how to do cursive writing. Some people get it, others need to work at it. Being able to chat with people you don’t know very well is a pretty essential skill, which will come more easily to some than others, obviously, but we’re talking about a very low bar. No one’s expecting a 10 minute monologue, just a couple of words!

Yes, and those things also take time,patience and practice (fun,safe ways give the best results).

Imagine her 5 yo coming down for breakfast and op demanding she answers what "5x7" is on the spot ,then getting angry she didn't reply because she should know better.

ohdamnitjanet · 07/08/2023 16:52

My ds had primary school friends who were to shy to even look at me, never mind speak. As long as they had a nice time together, so what? I was never offended. Some children were plain rude with no manners, there’s a huge difference.
But your arsehole dh, that’s a different subject altogether. Don’t suppose your friend cared he pissed off though, she was probably extremely relieved.

Crossstich · 07/08/2023 16:58

It sounds like very normal behaviour fora 5 year old to be honest. Perhaps she felt overwhelmed by having another adult in the house. You can't expect children to perform for us . 5 is still very young children are unpredictable.
Not taking her out because you were embarrassed by normal child like behaviour is unfair and not likely to make anything better

Noodles1234 · 07/08/2023 17:06

A lot of kids are socially awkward, just keep reiterating what the normal things to do are and you and DH do it, many kids copy their parents. If your husband can be too, maybe she takes after him?

keep doing it but don’t be disheartened if it takes a few years, she will get there.

PeonyBlush22 · 07/08/2023 17:08

I think you need to get over it. Maybe ask her why she didn't feel like talking rather than punishing her for having a bad day potentially. She's 5.

Discotek993 · 07/08/2023 17:11

Do you make her kiss goodbye to relatives / cuddle them too? Autonomy is a good thing to teach