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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so embarrassed by my 5yo DD behaviour

233 replies

hellosunshin3 · 05/08/2023 10:05

I just had a friend over for the night.

DD,who is usually very pleasant, hardly acknowledged her and was so rude.

When she walked into the kitchen this morning, she walked straight past my friend without saying morning. When I said "what do you say to [friend], she bowed her head as though she had nothing to say.

When friend was leaving an hour or so later, she did the same thing and turned her head when I said "are you saying goodbye".

DH is socially awkward and was turning his back to do other stuff, butter his toast, make his coffee etc, when dear friend was talking to him. Made his breakfast and took it into the living room to eat it with the kids, saying he was looking after the kids but actually it was his way of escaping any social chat.

I'm so humiliated at them both. So cross at DD as she knows better and it's out of character. Was going to take them out for the day in this rain but feel as though she doesn't deserve to be treated after that behaviour. WWYD.

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 05/08/2023 13:35

WandaWonder · 05/08/2023 13:30

At 5 I can't see her connecting the dot as in 'I did a naughty thing 2 hours ago now a few hours later I am not getting a fun thing' just an example

I would have dealt with it then and there and moved on

Kids are not perfect and if you start like this will she ever not be punished?

Show quote history

Except she didn’t do anything naughty at all

VictoriaVenkman · 05/08/2023 13:36

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2023 10:30

@NouveauNom

i don’t think expecting her child to say hello and goodbye is expecting her child to perform, it’s just basic manners

Show quote history

I agree.

I don't think basic manners is too much to ask from a 5 year old.

JusthereforXmas · 05/08/2023 13:39

Ihavehadenoughalready · 05/08/2023 13:28

I'm failing to see how buttering one's toast and pouring coffee in one's own home in one's own kitchen, and excusing oneself to the other room to eat breakfast is so rude. She's your friend, not his. Did you agree ahead of time that you would all sit down to breakfast together? You may have assumed you would but I bet you did not discuss ahead of time.

I think I like the term a previous poster came up with. Would you like to be called "socially needy"? Does that make you uncomfortable? Why is it OK for you to call shy and/or introverted people including your husband "socially awkward"?

I for one am extremely tired of "socially needy" people thinking that I am being "awkward" when I really don't crave and need as much interaction as you all feel sorry for us not getting and do everything in your power to make us feel bad about.

The embarrassment you say you feel due to your DD and DH's interactions with Your Friend is indicative of you feeling yourself a failure at being unable to control the actions of your family members. You need to stop trying to make everyone around you act exactly how you do and recognize that everyone has their own personality and stop trying to change them. I mean this mostly in regards to you husband. Your daughter can be gently guided but if it turns out she's not as social as you and is more like your husband, you need to accept it and not criticize her personality and not see at as some personal failure on your part. And the part where you said to her "aren't you going to say goodbye?" made me cringe. You're the one being awkward saying that to her.

This.

My friends are what I call 'social butterflies' they have an open door police, always have a full house and when every they go out they find waifs and strays to bring home (hense how I got friends lol).

I'm the opposit, I have nuerological issues so struggle to regulate and go 'hyper' around other (so I look very extroverted) but its EXAUSTING and embarrassing so I actually spend most of my time hiding from people in my own house.

I can't stand anyone in my space except my husband (anxious and painfully introverted) and my kids (my oldest is ASD and very quiet introverted and honestly my younger two are stressful but obviously I love them and they live here).

I love my friends, they are wonderful people but living like them would drain me to death.

Spirallingdownwards · 05/08/2023 13:41

Soon you will tell us you expect her to kiss people goodbye too

Irequireausername · 05/08/2023 13:44

Why did you keep saying, "what do you say?"

Is your child not allowed her own voice, or lack of?

Maybe instead of getting angry, ask her how she was feeling because you're angry at her when she could've been simply nervous, tired, confused etc.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 05/08/2023 13:45

hellosunshin3 · 05/08/2023 10:10

@sparepantsandtoothbrush she didn't see what DH did. She was out of the room then.

I agree cancelling the day feels disproportionate but she also needs to learn that acting that way isn't okay, surely!

??

Seems very punitive. She's 5 years old!

By all means talk to her about it and say that it's polite to be friendly.

But punishing her?

BumpyaDaisyevna · 05/08/2023 13:46

I think you need to think about how powerful your own feelings are about this, you seem to have found it way more embarrassing than it warrants tbh.

I think most people would just have shrugged at friend and said "god, kids eh!"

But you seem to feel like your family has been caught out in something totally shameful!

NoKnit · 05/08/2023 13:48

Am I right in understanding this friend of yours spent the night in your home? Had you asked your daughter (and husband) about this? It's their home too and they might not want someone else sleeping there. YaBu

5128gap · 05/08/2023 13:49

TheWayTheLightFalls · 05/08/2023 12:51

I have to say (I have a child this age) that I absolutely would expect them to greet visitors in the circumstances you describe, and I tell DD that "shy" isn't an excuse to be rude (in her case she is a NT child who is anything but shy day to day and will speak to anyone, so "shy" doesn't wash with me). She doesn't need to discuss the weather but does need to say good morning, good bye, excuse me if she's passing etc. And I would be talking to her sternly afterwards if she didn't. Cancelling a soft play trip on a rainy day seems OTT and cutting your own nose off though.

I agree.
Good morning/hello is like please and thank you. Said by rote as a courtesy, not a hugely arduous piece of social communication. I'd imagine it's required in some form in school.

Supertayto · 05/08/2023 13:51

My DD is around the same age and would absolutely do this unless it was a friend who engaged and excited her. She definitely doesn’t like people who aren’t there for her in her home, if that makes sense.

ZoeCM · 05/08/2023 13:52

So cross at DD as she knows better and it's out of character. Was going to take them out for the day in this rain but feel as though she doesn't deserve to be treated after that behaviour.

OP, this is absolutely bonkers! She's five. It's important that kids learn manners, but come on! You're well on your way to being a narcissistic/toxic mother.

CaroleSinger · 05/08/2023 13:54

So your DH is socially awkward and avoids speaking people? And you are annoyed at your 5 year old for let's face it, demonstrating behaviour she's probably learnt from her father? I think I've read it all now. Come on, she's 5. At that age they soak up what they see around them like a sponge, and what is she seeing her father do when he feels 'socially awkward '? That's right, avoiding speaking to people and scurrying off...

Ghosttofu99 · 05/08/2023 13:55

Was the friend left alone with your DD. Have you asked her why she had this reaction to your friend?

ZoeCM · 05/08/2023 13:56

CaroleSinger · 05/08/2023 13:54

So your DH is socially awkward and avoids speaking people? And you are annoyed at your 5 year old for let's face it, demonstrating behaviour she's probably learnt from her father? I think I've read it all now. Come on, she's 5. At that age they soak up what they see around them like a sponge, and what is she seeing her father do when he feels 'socially awkward '? That's right, avoiding speaking to people and scurrying off...

Exactly. Of course kids copy their parents' behaviour! You can't punish her for that.

nolamesallowed · 05/08/2023 13:56

My ex husband was very similar. Probably ND but his behaviour socially was embarrassing and I hated it so I do understand where you are coming from there.
However, your daughter is only 5 and is probably picking up socially inappropriate behaviours from your husband and she shouldn't be punished for it. I ensured my DD knew how to behave socially and reinforced it from a very young age due to her fathers ways.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 05/08/2023 13:57

I agree with you - she should not have to make conversation, but a simple hello and goodbye are basic politeness and she needs to understand they are required when others are around. There are too many kids around who have been so over indulged and told they dont have to do anything they dont want to - life doesnt work that way. But I would talk to her, rather than cancelling a day out. I would also be having a chat with my DH - he's bloody rude.

shineonyoucrazydiamondd · 05/08/2023 14:00

Jesus Christ she’s 5 years old! Don’t punish her because she was a bit shy this morning. Blimey… if you’re going to be mad at anyone maybe save it for your husband who was being a bit rude.

HarrietJet · 05/08/2023 14:03

It was breakfast time. This kid had probably just got out of bed.
I can't see how the dh was that rude either. He presumably spoke to / interacted with the guest last night. Why is he expected to entertain her over breakfast too?

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2023 14:06

JusthereforXmas · 05/08/2023 13:33

You invited someone into everyone elses space and they aren't comfortable... YOU where rude.

You are not the only person who matters, you trod all over everyone else and didn't care about their feeling so why should they care about yours. You are the one who showed them its ok to not care about others comfort.

@JusthereforXmas

in not sure about that. Most of us want friends or family to stay from time to time. Don’t see why Op should have to forego that

Seaweed42 · 05/08/2023 14:15

You are excusing DH his rude behaviour because....
(1) He's a man and can't handle his feelings
(2) You are afraid to pull him up on it because you have to keep him sweet.
(3) He's socially awkward poor lad.

He turned his back on your friend and then fucked off into the other room to eat instead of sitting at the table.

But he's a grown man.
You are treating him like he's 5.
And treating DD as if she's 45.

5yr old DD is getting the full force of your anger!

You'll need to be careful you don't end up unconsciously projecting your anger and frustration onto DD as she's growing up, when it's really DH you are angry with.

Anger is a funny thing. It can get transferred to the wrong person.

MXVIT · 05/08/2023 14:19

My mum was like this, i was always made to perform socially despite being a painfully shy child and made to feel awful if I didn't. Was horrible.

Please don't punish your daughter for this, she's her own person, not an extension of you

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 05/08/2023 14:24

i disagree with many of the people in the thread. i expect everybody who lives in my house to acknowledge others. It is just downright rude and i would certainly be having words with my husband. (who has done this on occasion.)
My SIL often gave us the time the silent treatment in a morning and so did my nephew. It felt awful and tense. No excuse not to say morning.
If i sound harsh then so be it. i get compliments about how my children behave and how polite and friendly they are. That doesn’t happen by accident.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 05/08/2023 14:30

So the message this will send to DD is you must be nice all the time to everybody and anybody in your safe space but Daddy gets to behave however he wants without consequences.

I'd prefer to have a daughter who knows she can rely on me and that I won't punish her for something she hasn't fully grasped yet in terms of social niceties

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 05/08/2023 14:31

So the message this will send to DD is you must be nice all the time to everybody and anybody in your safe space but Daddy gets to behave however he wants without consequences.

I'd prefer to have a daughter who knows she can rely on me and that I won't punish her for something she hasn't fully grasped yet in terms of social niceties

FatTonysSlimWife · 05/08/2023 14:33

Hi OP 🙂. It seems like you feel embarrassed by your fam, and maybe they feel that way about themselves too. I have a hunch that your partner (and maybe kiddo too) could have high functioning autism. Folks with ASD might struggle with knowing how to socialize or read social cues like tone of voice or body language. So, they might seem like they're acting rude or strange, but they might not mean to. It's important to try and be kind and understanding when dealing with people who have ASD so that communication goes smoother and relationships get better. Was your partner always like this socially? Is he usually pretty polite and mindful? I've got a few kids myself and one of them has ASD too. Before we found out, I used to think she was just being mean and it really bugged me. But now I get it and feel so bad about not understanding her sooner. Communication might be the medicine you and DH need to get through this together. Have a proper, non judged chat. Hear each other out. If you are concerned about DD and think that perhaps it isn't rudeness but shyness or something more early intervention can do wonders.
Good luck!