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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so embarrassed by my 5yo DD behaviour

233 replies

hellosunshin3 · 05/08/2023 10:05

I just had a friend over for the night.

DD,who is usually very pleasant, hardly acknowledged her and was so rude.

When she walked into the kitchen this morning, she walked straight past my friend without saying morning. When I said "what do you say to [friend], she bowed her head as though she had nothing to say.

When friend was leaving an hour or so later, she did the same thing and turned her head when I said "are you saying goodbye".

DH is socially awkward and was turning his back to do other stuff, butter his toast, make his coffee etc, when dear friend was talking to him. Made his breakfast and took it into the living room to eat it with the kids, saying he was looking after the kids but actually it was his way of escaping any social chat.

I'm so humiliated at them both. So cross at DD as she knows better and it's out of character. Was going to take them out for the day in this rain but feel as though she doesn't deserve to be treated after that behaviour. WWYD.

OP posts:
Winterscomingagain · 05/08/2023 11:18

Teaching a child social skills is a gradual process but I'm sure most would appreciate it's significance .Being quite introverted myself I'd really struggle with having to perform socially in my own home especially if it was a weekend.
Perhaps it's best to practice these skills outside the home firstly.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 05/08/2023 11:19

What is going on on in your life that you're so worried about appearances and what will people think, that no only you expected at a 5 yo to preform in a way you deem appropriate, you were so angry you wanted to punish her?

You friend didn't even complain (most sane ,well adjusted people wouldn't notice or care) you just THINK she felt x and y.

Priorities OP... yours need readjusting.

HarrietJet · 05/08/2023 11:24

God, everyone having a go at op's dh for having the temerity to make his breakfast (at breakfast time!) whilst the friend was talking are equally weird! Just what sort of adulation does op feel was due to this woman?

ichifanny · 05/08/2023 11:27

Maybe neither of them could be arsed with a stranger staying overnight . I don’t have people to stay as my kids would find it unsettling , I take it doesn’t happen often though OP .

ReturnoftheMuck · 05/08/2023 11:27

nobodysdaughternow · 05/08/2023 10:17

You are also teaching her that she has to comply or she will incur anger. It is a classic grooming technique.

Imagine a scenario where a man tells her to 'smile' and that he's 'only being nice' and she doesn't have the self-belief to say no?

This entirely.

Children are not your performing monkeys, maybe she isn't gelling with your friend and doesn't like the vibe she gets, maybe a small interaction that's stuck with her has caused it. Just shrug it off with "kids, eh?"

Tbh, although I'd never force my husband to be friendly with my friends, he's an adult and I'd find it more rude. You can muster up a few exchanges while you have your back to someone and do some toast.

Buxtonwaters · 05/08/2023 11:29

You said it yourself, your husband is socially awkward. You child might also be. Their safe space has been “invaded.” You were forcing social interaction on them without letting it naturally happen. Many people aren’t open to interaction first thing. It’s possible that you and their friend kept them awake? Or were drinking and at some point made them feel awkward? Your friend, as the visitor could have introduced conversation. I truly feel sorry for your husband and child if you’re always as controlling as this. Many of us are naturally shy. If your daughter usually isn’t, to me it suggests that something about last night has made her feel uncomfortable this morning.

Grannyknowsbest · 05/08/2023 11:33

I cannot believe l am reading this. She is five and not a preforming seal. It's a natural response to what may seem like a scary or overwhelming situation... why are you embarrassed? Why are you punishing her for something so natural.At first l thought this was one if those wind up / made up stories.
Think you need to go to parenting lessons.
I'm actually crying for your little girl.
This is so so sad.

LaMaG · 05/08/2023 11:34

OP you are getting a hard time here and I think its been a bit harsh, especially since your update.

I have to agree with @Jacky86 , its OK to feel a bit embarrassed by your family's behaviour. I personally think shyness and rudeness can be one and the same, shy people opt out when they feel like it because they are uncomfortable and in return shift the uncomfortableness onto the other person, but dont seem to care. I don't think there is any excuse for it, my son has ASD and doesn't have the same social instinct as most but he has to learn you must say hello, goodbye, thank you etc. I agree children shouldn't have to perform or be interviewed but they have to learn the basics. Even saying 'I'm feeling shy' is acceptable.

That said, at 5 I think its very normal to blank someone and quite typical of her age. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Maybe next time before someone comes into the house have a chat about just say hello and that's all etc. I agree your DH was rude, he didn't have to give your friend 100% attention but then he could say 'excuse me but I'll just get my breakfast etc'. I'd be having a chat with him too!

MucozadeOnLucozade · 05/08/2023 11:34

Your expectations are far far too high. She's not a performing puppet. Poor child. Take her out.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2023 11:36

Buxtonwaters · 05/08/2023 11:29

You said it yourself, your husband is socially awkward. You child might also be. Their safe space has been “invaded.” You were forcing social interaction on them without letting it naturally happen. Many people aren’t open to interaction first thing. It’s possible that you and their friend kept them awake? Or were drinking and at some point made them feel awkward? Your friend, as the visitor could have introduced conversation. I truly feel sorry for your husband and child if you’re always as controlling as this. Many of us are naturally shy. If your daughter usually isn’t, to me it suggests that something about last night has made her feel uncomfortable this morning.

@Buxtonwaters

maybe op should have her mates round more often so that they don’t feel their safe space is being “invaded” and learn it’s ok ?

Jibo · 05/08/2023 11:37

YABU. Children learn by what they see. All the 5yos in my life are chatty and friendly and are at least in the process of learning to be welcoming to visitors, because that's what their parents are like. Your real problem here is that your DH is a rude, antisocial manbaby - but presumably you knew that when you married him?

Have you called out DH on his rudeness to your friend, or are you saving your wrath for the 5yo?

Emmamoo89 · 05/08/2023 11:38

Yabvu

Maiden2021 · 05/08/2023 11:38

You are just embarrassed by your very rude DH and you are targeting your anger at DD. Leave her alone, she is only 5.

Some children, up to 12 /13 yo are allowed to be shy and be of few words. Some kids are social butterflies from 6 months lol

GrinAndVomit · 05/08/2023 11:39

If I was your friend, I’d assume she was shy. I wouldn’t think she was being rude.
Please don’t feel humiliated x

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2023 11:39

YouAreAlwaysOnMyMind · 05/08/2023 10:43

You’ll not get much sympathy on here OP!

Most mumsnetters hate socialising (will find any excuse to get out of it) and so the idea of having a friend stay overnight in their home- their precious safe space which is just for them and their little family! - will blow their minds!

And then there’s people like you who show time and time again on threads that they don’t have a clue about children. You’re always on here favouring the adults regardless of any situation, it’s weird.

People aren’t saying that OP shouldn’t have her friends there, just that to be so embarrassed and annoyed with a 5 year old not speaking as to cancel a day out, is ridiculous.

@YouAreAlwaysOnMyMind

actually if you read my posts you will see that OP’s focus shouldn’t be on her child but her husband - he was the one who was rude

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2023 11:39

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2023 11:39

@YouAreAlwaysOnMyMind

actually if you read my posts you will see that OP’s focus shouldn’t be on her child but her husband - he was the one who was rude

Show quote history

@YouAreAlwaysOnMyMind

actually if you read my posts you will see I said that OP’s focus shouldn’t be on her child but her husband - he was the one who was rude

JenWillsiam · 05/08/2023 11:47

hellosunshin3 · 05/08/2023 10:10

@sparepantsandtoothbrush she didn't see what DH did. She was out of the room then.

I agree cancelling the day feels disproportionate but she also needs to learn that acting that way isn't okay, surely!

Wow. Chill. She’s 5.

some people aren’t morning people. Some people don’t want others in their home.

you need to get over it. This is really nothing. You’re exhausting.

6WeekCountdown · 05/08/2023 11:48

I think you are in the wrong here, your child is 5 and clearly didn't appreciate you bringing your mate into her space. She was shy and didn't want to engage, your husband acted similar as I assume he also wasn't appreciating being expected to entertain your guest. Bizarre thing to punish a child for.

Feverly · 05/08/2023 11:50

@Grannyknowsbest
’I'm actually crying for your little girl.’

Are you?

Is it because a soft play centre on a Saturday sounds like the seventh circle of hell?

Globetrotterx · 05/08/2023 11:51

5 yo is a baby :-)

willWillSmithsmith · 05/08/2023 11:51

Maybe you didn’t program your robot daughter correctly. A bit of rewiring is required and not giving her a day out will do the trick. Have you thought about writing a parenting book?

CClaire · 05/08/2023 11:51

My 5yo DS is like this frequently. One day he’ll be charming and outgoing. And the next, do exactly as you describe. It’s very embarrassing and can be frustrating, I know how you feel OP.

Unfortunately by posting in AIBU, you’ve poked the wasps’ nest where people massively overreact and just want a pile-on!

With my son, I just prompt him with a response most times that he does it. We’ve discussed it quite a lot as well, ie being polite etc. And obviously I try to role model! It’s definitely from a place of self-consciousness. We had a friend stay with us for a few days, a year or so ago, and he played up so much. I think there’s an element of being infiltrated in their safe space too but my son will do it on the street or wherever. I’ve noticed he does it with his peers in foundation but he seems to be popular with them so maybe he is onto something, who knows 😆

Glad the soft play went ahead. Remember it’s much more embarrassing for you than for your friend. Try to be patient and persistent and hopefully she’ll get there eventually.

skyeisthelimit · 05/08/2023 11:52

OP, you probably won't come back to the thread, but I am glad that you took DD to softplay.

She is only 5 years old. You remind her to be polite but you don't punish her for not saying hello/goodbye. She's a child, this is what children do.

Your DH is a different matter, but your friend must be used to his ways by now.

With children you remind and encourage, you don't punish them., not at that age.

skyeisthelimit · 05/08/2023 11:53

*"don't punish them for forgetting their manners" that should say

Cas112 · 05/08/2023 11:54

Maybe your child is also socially awkward.

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