To be so embarrassed by my 5yo DD behaviour

[hellosunshin3]

I just had a friend over for the night.

DD,who is usually very pleasant, hardly acknowledged her and was so rude.

When she walked into the kitchen this morning, she walked straight past my friend without saying morning. When I said "what do you say to [friend], she bowed her head as though she had nothing to say.

When friend was leaving an hour or so later, she did the same thing and turned her head when I said "are you saying goodbye".

DH is socially awkward and was turning his back to do other stuff, butter his toast, make his coffee etc, when dear friend was talking to him. Made his breakfast and took it into the living room to eat it with the kids, saying he was looking after the kids but actually it was his way of escaping any social chat.

I'm so humiliated at them both. So cross at DD as she knows better and it's out of character. Was going to take them out for the day in this rain but feel as though she doesn't deserve to be treated after that behaviour. WWYD.

YAB massively U

If she used to getting up in the morning to seeing strangers?

Why did she stop over? If your DH is socially awkward why did she stay the night?

I remember doing stuff like this as a young child. Say hello to Uncle X, Auntie Y, show Auntie Z your new shoes. No!! I didn't want to!! I'm not a performing monkey I'm child FFS!!
Leave the poor kid alone!!

Would it be helpful to frame DD’s quietness as ‘struggling to express complicated ideas’, instead of ‘rudeness’?

At five, it’s unlikely she would be able to say, “actually, mummy, could you come over here I’d like to speak to you in private for a moment. For some reason this morning I feel overwhelmed and I don’t want to say hello to your friend. In other situations I can be sociable but this is different because I’ve just got up, she’s in my house, and I don’t really know her”. Which is probably roughly how she felt. So, instead she said nothing because she didn’t have the words to express how she was feeling.

When my DC are ‘rude’ it’s often a case of not having the language to express ideas in a more nuanced/complex way, so it comes out as ‘rude’. I find the way to handle it is to check what it is they are trying to say/express and then offer an alternative they can try out next time. Eg, “go away” might be better expressed as, “I’m playing by myself, please could you leave me alone”.

I went to visit an old friend and their kid was clearly uncomfortable us being there but they kept trying to force them to say hello. It was so awkward, it didn't matter that they didn't want to say hello and I appreciated we were in their space.

DH is socially awkward and was turning his back to do other stuff, butter his toast, make his coffee etc, when dear friend was talking to him

What the fuck is wrong with him!?

You've said it above.

@pinkyredrose

I don't get what is so wrong with what DH did either. Was he actually ignoring her or just making breakfast during a conversation? If I had a guest at breakfast time I would talk to them while I was making tea, making toast, whatever. Isn't that totally normal? It's always the case when I stay with people too.

It makes me laugh how posters are still handing op's arse to her 40 minutes after her update acknowledging she got it wrong.

Yes, finding the gossiping teacher odd doesn't mean I think her behaviour was ok.

5 year olds can be shy.

Agree. Op seems to have wanted some sort of ceremony performed for this friend, who nobody else in the house was particularly bothered by.
Weird.

Why don’t you stop now, everyone?
We’re not all perfect parents and sometimes need to take a lead or hint from someone else.
She’s been called some unpleasant things on this thread.
I’m sure she gets a the message.
Have a lovely time at SP OP (if that’s possible!) and don’t post on AIBU again, it’s not pleasant.

OP, get over it.
That was your visitor. Your baby doesn't have to 'perform'.

Even the most sociable children can be ‘off’ sometimes - they’re young, they’re still learning and sometimes a routine change (like a guest) can throw them off. Your DD sounds totally normal, honestly don’t worry about it, it’s not a reflection on you or anything.

I agree. She’s only five and you expect her to socialise with a stranger as though she’s an adult. The poor child didn’t do anything terribly rude for a child of that age.

Would she even know what you meant by “what do you say?” You meant you wanted her to say good morning to your friend, but would she know that?

Have you considered that your friend might not be very likeable and might give off vibes a child doesn’t like? One of my mother’s friends was like that. Just because she’s your friend doesn’t mean she’s a nice person, and it certainly doesn’t mean she’s the kind of person a child would warm to.

I don’t blame your DH for keeping out of the way if you force your family to interact with someone who’s a stranger to them. This woman is your friend, not theirs, and it’s their home.

I think you’re probably worried that your friend will feel unwelcome, as your dh doesn’t seem to feel that he is required to interact with her, and your dd ignored her! I would have a conversation with your dh, rather than your dd. She’s only five, and I think you would have taken less notice of her awkwardness if your dh had been the chatty sociable person you crave. You can’t make him perform, or care, but maybe you could point out that his current behaviour is likely to make guests, and you, feel uncomfortable. He should be making more of an effort. Your dd is just being 5, and you can’t expect the social backup from her that your dh should be providing.

@NIparty absolutely agree. I was (and still am!) quite a shy person. This wasn't always tolerated when I was a child - think getting shoved forward to speak to unfamiliar adults, having my hand put up to to go on the stage with children's entertainers 😱 etc. It made me really anxious about social situations and actually quite angry looking back on some things.

As a teenager, I definitely struggled with a bit of social anxiety that was probably prompted by being expected to go into situations and "entertain". I see it in my DD and totally let her do her own thing. I'm trying to learn not to apologise for her if there is an adult in her face trying to get her to chat or take part in something. Rather than saying "I'm sorry, she is shy", more like changing the subject or being firm and intervening with "This isn't (DD's name)'s sort of thing". For the most part adults should be able to read the body language and make allowances for a small child and I don't want her to think she needs to apologise for being herself.

You don’t punish children for being shy, that doesn’t cure the problem. Believe me my mother did her best to make me suffer for my shyness and the shyness didn’t go and our relationship only went downhill from there. Teaching your child to be comfortable in her skin and her home
os more important. Explaining basic social rules (even a wave is better than nothing when she’s feeling words won’t come out) might help but punishment isn’t fair

I'm literally shocked you are thinking of punishing her for this. She's literally 5 years old.

I think you’re directing your disappointment at the wrong person. Have a proper chat with your DH about it at some point so you both understand each others point of view.

All 5 year olds are a bit weird and all you have to do to teach them good manners is to have good manners yourself - you don’t need to do the annoying and awkward “what do you say” routine to try to make her perform - just show her what to do by doing it yourself, and she’ll copy you, in her own time, as she grows up.

Her behaviour is totally normal for a 5 year old it's you DH that you need to sort....yes leaving you alone to talk fine but basic civilities of saying hi how did you sleep eTC need to be addressed.

A kind word or two when she’s feeling happier and you have calmed down might be more appropriate than a punishment here. I get it’s hard when they embarrass you, but maybe asking her if she is ok, and explaining it is polite to make an effort with guests, will get more results than acting from anger.

Perhaps he's undiagnosed autistic and dd will also be? Mine didn't speak to people he didn't know very well at 5 either. He wasn't diagnosed till nearly 11 when his behaviour could no longer be put down to 'just his age'.