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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so embarrassed by my 5yo DD behaviour

233 replies

hellosunshin3 · 05/08/2023 10:05

I just had a friend over for the night.

DD,who is usually very pleasant, hardly acknowledged her and was so rude.

When she walked into the kitchen this morning, she walked straight past my friend without saying morning. When I said "what do you say to [friend], she bowed her head as though she had nothing to say.

When friend was leaving an hour or so later, she did the same thing and turned her head when I said "are you saying goodbye".

DH is socially awkward and was turning his back to do other stuff, butter his toast, make his coffee etc, when dear friend was talking to him. Made his breakfast and took it into the living room to eat it with the kids, saying he was looking after the kids but actually it was his way of escaping any social chat.

I'm so humiliated at them both. So cross at DD as she knows better and it's out of character. Was going to take them out for the day in this rain but feel as though she doesn't deserve to be treated after that behaviour. WWYD.

OP posts:
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 05/08/2023 10:42

OP I know what you mean about being embarrassed, I would be too. My 8 year old interrupts and gets rude and it drives me up the wall but I have conversations with them and say it's not acceptable in the moment - they are still learning and will understand social cues eventually.

I think it was an OTT response and I'm glad you are now going but I would chat with both your DH and DD about being polite in future. It's fine to be shy and socially awkward but it's not okay to be rude which sounds like they were.

Readingineading · 05/08/2023 10:43

Yab a bit u
My dad used to do the forcing me to interact with strangers thing when I was a child - and remember, this is your friend, not your dd's. Ad Im ancient this was in the 1970s when children were expected to let adults kiss them on demand 🙄. It made me incredibly uncomfortable, but he would be angry with me for being rude unless I did it.
I put my foot down with my kids, but my dad did try to start it up again with the great grandchildren- trying to get my great neice to give me a hug and a kiss - she was only 2 when Covid started so Id gone from someone she saw every week to a face on a screen. I made sure to say, loudly so he would hear - you dont have to do that unless you want to, Im happy with a wave or a high five .

HarrietJet · 05/08/2023 10:43

I think my friend felt very awkward and unwelcome
Why would you put that on a 5 year old? It's not her place to make Mummy's friends feel welcome!

YouAreAlwaysOnMyMind · 05/08/2023 10:43

You’ll not get much sympathy on here OP!

Most mumsnetters hate socialising (will find any excuse to get out of it) and so the idea of having a friend stay overnight in their home- their precious safe space which is just for them and their little family! - will blow their minds!

And then there’s people like you who show time and time again on threads that they don’t have a clue about children. You’re always on here favouring the adults regardless of any situation, it’s weird.

People aren’t saying that OP shouldn’t have her friends there, just that to be so embarrassed and annoyed with a 5 year old not speaking as to cancel a day out, is ridiculous.

VeridicalVagabond · 05/08/2023 10:44

Did your friend actually care that your child didn't say good morning or goodbye? I can't imagine I'd give much of a shit if a little child was shy with me, shyness around adults is so normal at that age, even if they know the adult well. Christ I remember being shy with my own grandparents at that age.

I don't think I'd be that bothered by your husband squirrelling away in the living room for his breakfast either, some people aren't social and are definitely not social first thing in the morning when they're trying to wake up and eat.

Mummy08m · 05/08/2023 10:44

One time we bumped into a mum of dd's classmate and my dd didn't say hello when I prompted - I never push it.

The other mum actually gossiped this to their nursery teacher saying how rude my dd was - and my nursery teacher told her off! She said my dd has a healthy stranger danger and that girls (and all kids) shouldn't be forced to interact if adults if they don't want to.

Nursery teacher then told me and dh all about it. And I glowed with the praise.

Op, your dd isn't rude, she has "a healthy stranger danger" :)

incognito50me · 05/08/2023 10:45

My DH is socially awkward and, if I’m honest, I would be upset if my children followed suit. I think it limits his life, as people tend not to like him.
DD (15) can be rude to us but is fine with other people. At 5, 6, 7 she had her moments, what child doesn’t? I made sure I modeled expected social behavior and it worked out.
I myself was a very shy child and grew up in a culture where it was expected of children to kiss visitors. I hated it! The forced physical closeness, all of it. My DD never had to do any of this, I made sure of it, not where I now live or in my country of origin.

Willmafrockfit · 05/08/2023 10:45

i love that @Mummy08m

RedHelenB · 05/08/2023 10:45

hellosunshin3 · 05/08/2023 10:10

@sparepantsandtoothbrush she didn't see what DH did. She was out of the room then.

I agree cancelling the day feels disproportionate but she also needs to learn that acting that way isn't okay, surely!

Dis you explicitly tell her how to behave with your friend? I think children do get awkward around other people sometimes, it's not necessarily deliberate

YouAreAlwaysOnMyMind · 05/08/2023 10:46

Ok I think I've got the message! To soft play we go...!

Good decision OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2023 10:46

Believeitornot · 05/08/2023 10:26

Feels like you’re holding your DD to a much higher standard than your DH!!!! Is it because you think it makes you like a crap parent?

it doesn’t. She’s 5!

Yes!

Being confrontational and expecting perfection will prove to be difficult in the coming years and will damage your relationship op. Five is still really little. Even age 12 is very young even though it doesn’t seem it now.

My dd is 15 and her social skills are very good, I’d say better than mine as she’s more outgoing and had better “training” than me, far more confidence than I had etc.

HarrietJet · 05/08/2023 10:46

Mummy08m · 05/08/2023 10:44

One time we bumped into a mum of dd's classmate and my dd didn't say hello when I prompted - I never push it.

The other mum actually gossiped this to their nursery teacher saying how rude my dd was - and my nursery teacher told her off! She said my dd has a healthy stranger danger and that girls (and all kids) shouldn't be forced to interact if adults if they don't want to.

Nursery teacher then told me and dh all about it. And I glowed with the praise.

Op, your dd isn't rude, she has "a healthy stranger danger" :)

Weird of the nursery teacher to share this with you...

IhearyouClemFandango · 05/08/2023 10:48

How odd. Any of mine at 5 would have been too shy to say hi to an adult when put on the spot and then you drew attention to her shyness with you "aren't you going to...". Your job is to worry about her feelings not those of your adult friend who presumably is sensible enough to understand that 5 year olds don't necessarily want to chat to random adults.

Just carry on your day regardless, this is a non-event.

YouAreAlwaysOnMyMind · 05/08/2023 10:49

Weird of the nursery teacher to share this with you...

Far weirder for the weirdo other mum to tell the nursery teacher in the first place....

5128gap · 05/08/2023 10:49

Is this a one off for DD, or is she often reluctant to speak?
If it's a one off on the part of a usually confident child then I'd say she either doesn't like your friend or was being awkward (and 5 is plenty old enough to be deliberately awkward!) I wouldn't punish, but nor would I namby pampy around with 'she's five! She's entitled not to speak!' because children do need to learn social courtesies. Personally I'd have a chat. Ask her why she wouldn't speak. Point out it's manners etc. See where that takes you. She may tell you she doesn't like or is nervous of friend and you may need to address that.
On the other hand, if she regularly does this, it could signify another issue. So I'd keep an eye on it and see if there's a pattern.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 05/08/2023 10:49

Why are you embarrassed? She's FIVE and there's a stranger in her home.

zingally · 05/08/2023 10:49

Oh calm down.

It sounds like a very average 5yo having her home invaded by someone she barely knows, and being forced to make social chitchat with this invader.

Would YOU want to make social chitchat, in your own kitchen, with a near stranger (who is also adult sized and therefore a giant to a child) when you've JUST got up? No you wouldn't.

And then the adult who is meant to be your safe person is haranguing you and pressuring you to do something you don't feel comfortable with.

And as your DH (and presumably her biological father) behaved in the same way, could it cross your mind that his offspring might also not be very content in that same situation?

Letitgonowgr · 05/08/2023 10:49

My son is the same. Telling him to say hello or goodbye just makes it worse. I ask him and then if he doesn’t want to I say, ok maybe you’ll say hello when you’re ready. Forcing the issue never helps.
However your DH knows better, he’s an adult and was being rude. Be annoyed at him not her. Also she clearly sees him behaving this way and copies!

NIparty · 05/08/2023 10:50

My mum behaved like you did and it just made me more socially anxious, constantly trying to guess what way I should behave and what I should say, to the extent that fear would overcome me and I'd just freeze. Even as an adult social interactions can be difficult, and I always have that fear of performing properly. Being shamed and punished for not being able to do something I was never properly taught or guided to do had a massive impact on my self esteem right through my teenage years, and I only began to feel more comfortable and tackle social interactions through years of counselling. This forced perfect social performing was a part of a wider picture that pretty much made me believe I wasn't good enough as I was, and had to learn to change myself, and that my feeling safe, secure and comfortable was always to be traded off. I have diaries of mine from when I was 8 years old writing this feelings down. 8. So while it may seem like nothing to you or other posters, harsh reactions and "punishments" (getting even, settling the score it more feels like) may effect children more than you think.

Jacky86 · 05/08/2023 10:52

I’ll go against many of the comments and say you’re not being unreasonable.
I would be annoyed too. It’s important to teach basic manners.
I wouldn’t go cancelling a day out but I would certainly take her aside and tell her gently what she did could be considered rude and that even if she’s feeling shy it is always important to acknowledge friends or visitors in the home .

Clefable · 05/08/2023 10:52

I wouldn't expect a 5yo to say good morning and I certainly wouldn't prompt with 'what do you say?' My DD1 is 4.5 and she just appears downstairs in a whirlwind, she probably wouldn't say 'good morning', she would just launch in to whatever she was going to do. If someone said it to her she would probably respond back, but if it was someone she didn't know and she was shy with she might not, who knows. I can't imagine caring that a 5yo didn't say good morning to me. 15 maybe but even then who cares?

BigButtons · 05/08/2023 10:52

It’s crazy of you to be embarrassed- she’s 5 and obviously didn’t feel comfortable- there will be a very valid reason why she refuses to to what you wanted her to . She’s just learning about all sorts of stuff.
it really is a non event.

ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 05/08/2023 10:53

You are being really unreasonable.

Cucucucu · 05/08/2023 10:54

I think you expect too much . She just woke up , you would get a hi from me with any luck in the first hour I’m up and my middle child 7 is the same . We are not morning people ! Stop punishing your child for having a different personality to yours .
Who invites people to the house first thing in the morning anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mummy08m · 05/08/2023 10:54

HarrietJet · 05/08/2023 10:46

Weird of the nursery teacher to share this with you...

Show quote history

It was just a way of praising my dd. I think I mentioned we'd bumped into Other Mum as small talk (it was at an event we were telling the teacher about) but that dd was too shy to say hello. Teacher said something like "oh yes Other Mum told me that your dd was rude to her (!!) but I told her no! It's healthy stranger danger" etc etc

I did think it was gossipy of Other Mum but hey ho

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