When i'm God..........

[HollyRocks]

When i'm God..........

..............I will give tinitus to anyone who hangs wind chimes in their garden which can be heard by their neighbours. And this tinitus will sound like a homemade wind chime made from saucepan lids and hung out on a really windy day.

......and i'll give a really high pitched squeaky voice to any man who mansplains, or who tries to talk over a woman when she's speaking.

OK, i feel better now.

So that's the really important stuff sorted. Anyone got any requests for what else i should do?

A song just for you...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-K4cEocL5kI

@HollyRocks may I be the god of unusual but fitting comeuppance? (I considered cruel and unusual punishment but it makes me sound like a psychopath)

@YesitsBess I don’t know, archangel of slight inconvenience has a lot of scope for major annoyance. Eg some arsehole wrecked a small section of my fencing a few weeks ago. Retrieving the resulting escaped ponies from my neighbours field and hammering fence posts in at 6am was more than a slight inconvenience. But after ranting about it I was soon ok. I think I may have been slightly ott suggesting the perpetrators should be burned at the stake, when a lifetime of eating liver is more appropriate.
Meanwhile dp recently had a day full of minor inconvenience, eg tyre pressure light came on, cat slept on his clean work shirt, bakery ran out of his favourite lunch etc and he was positively blowing smoke by evening. I imagine if you could keep that up continually it would be quite fun. Certainly, we all laughed at dp ranting to himself.

@NuckingFightmare Yes!!!! that kind of enthusiasm gets you any job you want, but please don't slap yourself too often. Save that for the mere mortals

@TrainspottingWelsh " unusual but fitting comeuppance"? It doesn't really sound very godly, does it? Call me old-fashioned, but I much prefer "cruel and unusual punishment". And there's nothing wrong with a bit of psychopathishness. I don't think gods were generally known for being calm and even tempered.

I think Archangel of Slight Inconvenience sounds like the kind of thing you'd do part time as a hobby when you retire from full time Godding. Just to keep your brain active. Better than crosswords

Smiteoku. That kind of thing.

I reckon most of us are goddesses rather than gods though, and prefer the subtlety of cumulative slight inconveniences and unusual but fitting comeuppances to macho smiting. Your OP demonstrates the latter.

Afternoon Gods, Demigods, Archangels.

What's the penalty for getting in the slow lane at swimming, and then swimming backstroke so fast you keep twatting people?

He is beyond brilliant!

Sudden loss of buoyancy so that you sink to the bottom of the lane? Or maybe your trunks suddenly become two sizes too small

This was a swimming costume but I like this approach. INSTANT WEDGIE AND SINKAGE.

For the loud music in the early hours people - I suggest as soon as they have gone to sleep a small choir of tone deaf cherubim appear singing “MORNING HAS BRO-OKEN”

Yes, accompanied by young children in the very early stages of learning to play the violin.

For people who talk in the cinema or theatre, I suggest the rest of us could be issued with a zapper that renders offenders totally silent and still until the end of the performance. Ushers should be issued with similar to ensure all phones are switched off or silent.

@ErrolTheDragon i'm quite timid and well behaved IRL, but you know what the anonymity of MN can do.

@YesitsBess I don't know where you're from but your definition of twatting is obviously different to mine (I hope for your sake i'm right)

Good call to make use of the cherubs, but i'm having nothing to do with them. Don't trust them. They look like they'd be nipping at your ankles as soon as you turned your back.

@HollyRocks born northerner, then londonder, now so far south I can see the Island.

Twatted works in all of those dialects however I'm prepared to adjust to....actually what is the word for "twatted" that isn't twatted?

Clobbering or whacking maybe?

What's more perplexing is what the OP thinks it could be!

Wait....there are parts of the UK that don't use Twatted?

He/she twats
We twat
They twat

"She twatted him with a newspaper"

Always means slight but not lethal force.

A more temperate climate for the U.K. please.

Warm Summer days for months, not the Devils bum crack heat but with light showers in the early hours for the farmers/growers and gardeners.
So when people plan weddings, parties, bbqs, fetes and shows, we can look at the forecast and know the weather will behave.

Our Springs and Autumns are (usually) nice, but Winters need to stop with the 'Beast from the East' sort of temperatures. At least 3 days a week of mild breezes, to dry the washing.
A light smattering of snow Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so it looks picturesque,then it can sod off.

Not too much to ask is it God?

So twatting is a word you'd be happy to use in front of your mother? And you can do it in a public place without getting arrested? Hmmmmm....

Well...yes? Fairly sure my Mother coined it.

I'm not sure who the public are but I've honestly never found someone who doesn't know what twatted means?

Well, twat is a slang term for the vulva and twatting is.......erm..........er........... i can't think of a polite way to finish that sentence, so i'll just change the subject.

@Lagershandy All good, except the "light smattering"- proper snow, 2 days per year, but you can choose the days. And some thunder and lightning, but not when i'm out with the dog.

Ankle bitiness sounds useful to me. Whenever anything Not Specified in the Previous Conditions comes up, the head cherub wrestler can let them loose.

”ATTACK, CHERUBIM!” would give people standing in the middle of the aisle with their trolley across it something to think about.

I do see your point, and as the op then in the time honoured tradition of all deities you have legitimately bagsi’d the position of chief god.
However cruel and unusual implies the punishments are unfair. When I’m sure we all agree everything suggested here is well deserved.
Plus ‘unusual but fitting comeuppance’ has a definite Terry Pratchett vibe which more than redeems it.

@HollyRocks you could always use oh pickles or that takes the biscuits, as polite terms in public

I like this. Can I be the cherub wrangler?

Oh I’d actually like to be cattle prod controller. For people that stop dead in doorways, narrow pavements etc or generally get in everyone’s way for no valid reason.