When i'm God..........

[HollyRocks]

When i'm God..........

..............I will give tinitus to anyone who hangs wind chimes in their garden which can be heard by their neighbours. And this tinitus will sound like a homemade wind chime made from saucepan lids and hung out on a really windy day.

......and i'll give a really high pitched squeaky voice to any man who mansplains, or who tries to talk over a woman when she's speaking.

OK, i feel better now.

So that's the really important stuff sorted. Anyone got any requests for what else i should do?

I believe 'a trouser' had a vogue too. Could go well with 'a wedge heel'.

What a wonderfully weird and inventive bunch of people you are. Love the idea of itching powder - when i was a kid we used to drop crushed rosehips down the back of each other's t-shirts

@YesitsBess No, not a demigod, you deserve full god status for the vogon poetry suggestion.
@irrationalsense All forgiven, for your honesty and for the fact that i've also done the same and i'd rather not have to punish myself in the same way.

Fine. But I want to be the god of something random, like spoons. I don't have time to be getting invoked on a regular basis. Nobody ever summons the spoon god.

We also need a small corner of Hell reserved for anyone who has ever used the phrase "my personal style is a mix of high Street and vintage thrift store finds".

I thank you for your kind attention on this matter.

That humans minds are upgraded to their full intellectual capacity, so that we can conquer and rule the galaxies

Yes humans as a whole are not perfect, but why should other civilisations rule instead,

For the hands of anyone feeding horses without permission to wither and fall off. If it’s a child the arsehole of a parent to lose their hands instead. Ditto any harmful interference with horses or livestock.
A penis that shrinks by an inch whenever the owner mansplains. With the corresponding size to be tattooed on their forehead.
Car drivers that can’t stay within lane, or make their bloody minds up which they’re aiming for, to be sent to a purgatory of resitting their test, and failing, a million times. Ditto anyone that can’t manoeuvre or fails to make progress.
Anyone that bangs on about paying 15% interest back in the day to immediately exchange places with a younger person with a similar career.
People that stand in or near where anyone with half a brain cell could expect a pit, and then become annoyed by said pit, to be banned from all live music for eternity.

@Readingineading I'm sorry, can't do that first bit. Happy and healthy for the rest of his life, but i'd want you to have time in your life for more dogs, who you'd love every bit as much as this one

Can you just redistribute wealth so that people stop starving to death, and put women in charge so that wars stop.
I am certain if women were in charge they would find a way to stop most fighting.

@YesitsBess Fine. But I want to be the god of something random, like spoons. I don't have time to be getting invoked on a regular basis. Nobody ever summons the spoon god.

I do, whenever i can't find "my" spoon. There's quite a few of us who have our own "special" spoons. I reckon god of pointythingformakingholes would be less in demand

No! I'd be being summoned by leather workers all the time.

Maybe I could be the god of axe jackets. Then I'd be summoned by slightly irritable lumberjacks. This pleases me.

Can you make it be actual summer please instead of this horrid gloomy pissy weather?
Can all people who hurt animals be infested with a million incurable fleas? Especially concentrated around their genitals.
I'm available to smite the evil and annoying for an hour every other Thursday but I want to be in charge of something proper smity, I'll let you pick as long as it's not spoons.

I'm going to get left with being the Archangel of fucking itching powder and spoons aren't I?

Pretty much

What about 'For God's sake, where do all the teaspoons keep disappearing to?' I'd say that comes up more often than you'd like.

I am going to be the sulkiest Archangel ever.

AND I'm going to demand tributes for all of my spoon endeavours or there will be so...much...smiting.

I want a birdhouse sized Chapel and offerings of Fanta, anything shiny or crochet frogs are acceptable. * *

.........infested with a million incurable fleas? Especially concentrated around their genitals. i like the way your mind works @NuckingFightmare

Of all the things for Gods to argue about, i didn't think it'd be spoons. So I'm doing the spoons. I like spoons.

Any suggestions please for people who use extendable dog leads in crowded places.

If they're also on their phones, that's a paddlin'

Hmmmmm. Maybe they should labour under the curse of inexplicable but constant slight water ingress into their left shoe until they stop?

slight water ingress??? slight? I think you've gone soft. I prefer the old you, the sulky you with your or there will be so...much...smiting

Using extendable dog leads to be punished by a navigating a krypton factor like impossible course made from electric fencing tape attached to mains power. Or a 48 hour endurance skipping competition with electric fencing.

We could have a spoon party

Oh yeah, much better @TrainspottingWelsh - are you available to take over until @YesitsBess is feeling more like her old self again?

Give babies and small kids an indicator of how long this sleep / nap is going to be.

Have I got time to tackle some work / have a sleep myself or is this prioritise a wee / cup of tea / phone charger type situation??

@TrainspottingWelsh you can definitely be in charge of that, very creative. Loving your work.

Maybe I do need a nap, my brimstone needs recharging. I definitely don't want to be the Archangel of slight inconvenience.

@FusionChefGeoff little flashing lights on their tummies? Awwwww so cute. And maybe a built in alarm in case you fall asleep.

Ooh ooh <puts hand up> ooh can I be God over grown people that talk in baby voices to other adults? I'll make them slap themselves in the face!
Pweeeeaasee? <SLAP>
Ow.