When i'm God..........

[HollyRocks]

When i'm God..........

..............I will give tinitus to anyone who hangs wind chimes in their garden which can be heard by their neighbours. And this tinitus will sound like a homemade wind chime made from saucepan lids and hung out on a really windy day.

......and i'll give a really high pitched squeaky voice to any man who mansplains, or who tries to talk over a woman when she's speaking.

OK, i feel better now.

So that's the really important stuff sorted. Anyone got any requests for what else i should do?

Punish any man who says “smile, love” (or any variation thereof) to a woman, by giving him a crying face like the Snapchat filter for 24 hours.

Punish any man who gropes a woman, by removing all the bones in his arms from the elbow down for one week.

Can I be a demigod please? I think I’d be great at it.

Idling your engine transports the fumes inside your house.

Parking over dropped curb - the car is magically lifted and dropped onto your house from a great height.

Would love it if you could make all parents who email their teacher at 10PM to complain about their DCs punishment (,my friend who is a teachers- I'm not- says this is really common!) get an after-work detention until the time that they thought was reasonable to bother a teacher for no good reason. If your DCs a CF don't back then up!!

@TotallyKerplunked @Squirrelsnut I think the best place for dog poo is beside their bed, so when they get up in the morning bare-footed it squishes up between their toes and smears all over the carpet.

@WeetabixTowels I could rig up a system where their feet don't move unless the eyes are pointing in the right direction. Or maybe they walk barefoot and i make their little toe really really long so they stub it if they take a step without looking.

@Siouxiesiouxiesioux But for a lot of them it's their miserable lives that make them act like that. I might lock them all in a room together once a month...........

Flat tyres to all cycling clubs on full club ride outs on narrow country lanes. Plus they’d turn up in my village to find there’s no parking so they can’t park their 4x4s here whole pretending their hobby is good for the environment.

Thanks @ErrolTheDragon This is my new favourite website. Good job i've got nothing important to do today.

@SuspiciousDuck Yes you can. I'm thinking this might be too much for one person so maybe a job share? Or one day each per year for anyone who can invent new types of punishment.

@7Worfs I might just flip it onto it's roof (bit unfair on the family otherwise) What's a Worf?

did some bad bad woman make your lovely man cheat on you?

how about punish people who cheat? blame where blame lies and all that

Please punish those who play any type of music / games / videos etc on their phones when they are not wearing any type of headphones. No one else wants to hear your shite thanks.

Same goes for those who have phone calls or video phone calls on loud speaker in public.

Not sure of the punishment, maybe make their phone burst into flames and the fire then goes out when it's burnt away so no one else is hurt by the fire.

But if you just flip it I’d still struggle to get onto the pavement with the pram ☹️

I have a particular car in mind too - navy VW Touareg, always blocking the dropped curb (which is also the service/delivery entry) in front of nursery. Breathtaking entitlement on that woman; I genuinely wish her harm.

Worf is a Klingon Starfleet officer from Star Trek. It’s a wordplay, 7 Worfs / 7 Dwarves.

@SuspiciousDuck Punish any man who gropes a woman, by removing all the bones in his arms from the elbow down for one week.

Brilliant, we could use this for all sorts of things. And so many bones to choose from. And so many other body parts (That sorts out all the "cheating husband" stuff)

People who hot tub after 1am. Can you make it ice cold?

What if any part of a car over a dropped curb rusts away to nothing? @7Worfs

@RhiWrites I could put some leeches in it.......

That would work!

@ShatteredMum23 I already have a system in mind that covers that. When you're sitting in your garden at the weekend and a loud motorcycle goes past, disturbs maybe a thousand people for 30 seconds each, that adds up to about 8 hours worth of noise. So when they get home, they have 8 hours of a loud noise, and i'll let you decide what noise. Does that sound ok with you? The job's yours if you want it, can you start today?

@Hawkins009 Possibly yes, even though I have no idea what that means. I googled it and read a couple of sentences but it hurt my head

Make anyone who walks down the street with their noses buried in their phones, not looking where they're going, walk into a tree.

Could we have some high profile epiphanies please. I'm thinking Putin and Trump for starters.

Then you could work on the day-to-day arseholes that blight our lives on at a more personal level.

• on. 🙄

A screenshot from another thread, maybe a good solution for sexual crimes??

Make it possible for me to go back in time and correct my mistakes, without any adverse effects to me or others;

Enable personal teleportation without any lack of personal security;

Able to magically turn off sounds around me, like people who play music without headphones, loud conversations, building work, etc. Bliss! 🌹

Oh those weekend bikers ... I was thinking of tripwires but I suppose we don't really want to decimate the stock of middle aged accountants etc ... I'd transform their ridiculous noisy machines into tiny bicycles when they're at the furthest point from civilization along the erstwhile quiet country lane and they'd have to pedal miles wearing their leathers with their knees sticking out. (And obviously they'd need to throw themselves into hedges to let other traffic go by)

Reverse the internalised misogyny that blames women for cruelly ‘tempting’ poor defenceless men. 🙄

Yes to the wind chimes
May I add
People who suddenly stop just inside a shop entrance
People who only look over ONE shoulder when reversing out of a parking space
Men who wear dungarees as a fashion statement
Self serving checkouts with no manned option
Folk songs
Playing the recorder
The use of hun, babe and fucking fur baby 😆

@ErrolTheDragon I think i love you

@HollyRocks rather than motorbikes noise I was thinking more like really loud smoke alarm noises. Maybe let them think it's stopped briefly and then start again