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AIBU?

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Original poster

When i'm God..........

137 replies

HollyRocks · 04/08/2023 23:06

When i'm God..........

..............I will give tinitus to anyone who hangs wind chimes in their garden which can be heard by their neighbours. And this tinitus will sound like a homemade wind chime made from saucepan lids and hung out on a really windy day.

......and i'll give a really high pitched squeaky voice to any man who mansplains, or who tries to talk over a woman when she's speaking.

OK, i feel better now.

So that's the really important stuff sorted. Anyone got any requests for what else i should do?

OP posts:
DRS1970 · 05/08/2023 11:22

I would just have to get louder wind chimes so I could hear them through the tinnitus... 🙃

Autumntimeagain · 05/08/2023 11:25

I'd like peoples skin colour to change whenever they've done something wrong.

e.g You're snippy at someone because you're actually jealous ? Skin turns green.
You tell a lie ? Skin turns bright red.
You've cheated on your partner ? Your skin turns purple.

You do lots of nasty things ? Your skin has bloody rainbows !

RhiWrites · 05/08/2023 12:04

Be back in a minute, off to do a bunch of nasty things to get rainbow skin.

YesitsBess · 05/08/2023 12:17

I can volunteer for demigod duties on the 25th if that works for everyone? I can't do the 26th as I've got a marathon "IS it cake? Part 2 " session and I can't be doing any smiting whilst that's on.

Can we have a smite for those car exhausts which go BANG BANG BANG! for no reason please? I'm thinking instant and irreversible door locking, followed by an hour of Vogon poetry emanating from the stereo for every BANG!

irrationalsense · 05/08/2023 12:39

@squirrelsnut and the dog poo party I need to ask for forgiveness. I have a dog and once I left a poo on the grass verge. It was once and it was recently. If I get a fair trial I was at the time having a kind of burnout, my daughter had self harmed and my DH had gone to work overseas. Everything felt chaotic and out of control. I just managed to walk dog in the midst of it all. One day The dog poo bag holder was empty, I panicked. Looked around for another dog walker to ask. And was rushing home to check child had not done anything bad again.

For my penance I vow to pay it forward and pick up another dogs cold poo at next opportunity? Or do I still get the big whammy punishment?

Checking so I can arrange childcare...Blush

irrationalsense · 05/08/2023 12:40

And or carpet cleaning services for the bit by my bed

ChittyBangabang · 05/08/2023 12:41

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 03:50

Punish women who are over friendly with married men 🙏

Wow

FastnetLundyRockall · 05/08/2023 12:45

I think all women should be able to send jolts of electricity from their fingers, as per The Power by Naomi Alderman. But maybe lose it if used unjustifiably

Countdown2023 · 05/08/2023 12:46

Howtohideasausage · 05/08/2023 08:29

Someone’s already said about dog shit. Mine was that it would magically fly through the air and be driven into the owner’s face.

People who drop litter, similar punishment.

This is a top priority followed by those

those who leave public loos in a state - after all it is not hard to put paper in a bin or to flush a loo

those who leave disposable coffee cups in random places

Readingineading · 05/08/2023 12:54

Hi God, could you do anything about making my dog stay healthy, happy and alive for the rest of my life ? Or if not could you absolutely guarantee that when he goes he is met on the other side by my dad as he loved him to bits too?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 05/08/2023 12:55

I want autosmite for people who take all sorts of food, drink, napkins etc into a park for a picnic or BBQ but then don't put it in a bin or take it home to put in their own bin, so just leave it on the grass. How about when they get home they find all their rubbish lying on the hall floor?

ErrolTheDragon · 05/08/2023 13:07

For my penance I vow to pay it forward and pick up another dogs cold poo at next opportunity? Or do I still get the big whammy punishment?

As you're repentant, your punishment will simply be that you tread in a dogshit when you're trying to dispose of your next baggie.
(The punishment for people who leave dogshit right next to the bin so that people using it responsibly step in it is too terrible to spell out on this forum)

sorrythatwasme · 05/08/2023 13:08

Wood chimes are okay, nice even. The metal ones make me very upset too.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 05/08/2023 13:09

Make gender disappear, so that people can present however they like and this has no bearing on whether they’re a woman or a man. Far more progressive.

If a cyclist tries to ride on a non-shared pavement, I think their wheels should instantly freeze until they get off.

Cigarette smoke / vape vapour should all blow over the smoker. Whichever way the wind’s blowing.

Gowlett · 05/08/2023 13:13

Calorie-free cake, please.
Make it a Superfood, in fact.

Tummelthecat · 05/08/2023 13:13

I am going to ban chewing gum and talking on phones in trains and buses.

charabang · 05/08/2023 13:42

Big knife for garden trampolines please God. They are the work of the devil.

irrationalsense · 05/08/2023 13:57

@ErrolTheDragon I accept my fate. I'm off to step in dog shit.

Before I do, can I just check in to see if I get a last-minute reprieve because when I was 5 I rolled down a hill in a park on my side and emerged at the end covered head to toe in dog shit. My parent stripped me naked, threw me in the boot and hosed me off in the garden. (It was acceptable in the 80's).

Could that mean time already served?

LlynTegid · 05/08/2023 13:58

I could help you with a list of who St Peter should refuse admission to.

JudgeJ · 05/08/2023 17:33

..............I will give tinitus to anyone who hangs wind chimes in their garden which can be heard by their neighbours. And this tinitus will sound like a homemade wind chime made from saucepan lids and hung out on a really windy day.

In which case I would reciprocate by giving it to anyone who lets their offspring shriek all day in the garden, far worse than the tinkling of windchimes, such an MN obsession.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 05/08/2023 17:39

I could provide a fairly long list of words and phrases that deserve a bit of autosmiting. Anybody using 'curate' for something not related to museums and art galleries, for example, or 'sourcing' ingredients from Sainsbury's to try a new recipe, or 'researching' train times by looking at a timetable. Maybe they could develop an annoying itch every time they used something from the forbidden list.

YesitsBess · 05/08/2023 18:20

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g a friend recently told me she was "curating her ears" which apparently is wankychat for buying earrings.

I second your proposal and am prepared to do 8 hours a month as Archangel in charge if itching powder.

ErrolTheDragon · 05/08/2023 18:41

People who say things like 'a red lip', 'a wedge heel' or 'a smoky eye' should only be allowed to use lipstick on either their upper or lower lip but not both, eyeshadow only on right or left eye and hop around in one shoe.

coastergirl · 05/08/2023 18:52

HollyRocks · 05/08/2023 09:34

@ShatteredMum23 I already have a system in mind that covers that. When you're sitting in your garden at the weekend and a loud motorcycle goes past, disturbs maybe a thousand people for 30 seconds each, that adds up to about 8 hours worth of noise. So when they get home, they have 8 hours of a loud noise, and i'll let you decide what noise. Does that sound ok with you? The job's yours if you want it, can you start today?

@Hawkins009 Possibly yes, even though I have no idea what that means. I googled it and read a couple of sentences but it hurt my head

I'd like to volunteer the sound of my 4yo's screaming for this. It makes you want to rip your ears off, and I'm pretty sure he could keep it up for 8 hours. Ideal punishment for the bikers going up and down my street when I've FINALLY got him settled in bed.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 05/08/2023 19:23

YesitsBess · 05/08/2023 18:20

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g a friend recently told me she was "curating her ears" which apparently is wankychat for buying earrings.

I second your proposal and am prepared to do 8 hours a month as Archangel in charge if itching powder.

You'd be a perfect fit. When can you start?