Page 17 | A poll for my husband....

Sellingbedtime · 2023-08-04T22:00:59+00:00

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us. I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU?? Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

Middleagedspreadisreal · 07/08/2023 10:10

Blossomtoes · 06/08/2023 21:50

Wow. I’ve always had my own money and always will. I didn’t spend the best part of 50 years working for it only to relinquish it to my bloke.

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Why would you have to relinquish it to him?

Firefly27 · 07/08/2023 10:12

I’d let him go! You can take a break when he comes back - like a weekend or 5 days away or something too !

Middleagedspreadisreal · 07/08/2023 10:13

Caprisunny · 07/08/2023 05:39

My exh is an exh because he a mental health crisis after 15 years of marriage and became dangerous. Still is. If it hadn’t been for that or he has got treatment before he attacked me, he would still be my husband.

However, up until that he was a good husband and he had our young kids so I could go abroad with my mum for her birthday.

My brother and his wife have been married for 18 years and both have regular breaks abroad. Together with the kids and separately with friends or family.

We all did what Op did, asked our family for help in advance for help on some days, if we required it.

On completely different point @Middleagedspreadisreal yes, insular. If you really have never come across people handling money in a different way to how you like to, your life must have been quite insular. Of course the shock and surprise may have just completely fake to make a point that no one understands. Maybe it’s that?

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I have come across people, friends and colleagues, who have seperate money. I've always thought it weird. Always have, always will.

cansu · 07/08/2023 10:14

If he can afford it and it is important to him then why not?

FloorWipes · 07/08/2023 10:44

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/08/2023 09:56

@FloorWipes

did you not read the bit about him using his own savings?

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Well that wouldn't really be applicable in our marriage as our separate savings are nonetheless put towards shared purposes - we don't have enough money to have the luxury of separate savings for personal leisure to anywhere near that degree. So yeah I read it but I was explaining what would be normal in our marriage to help OP compare.

Honeychickpea · 07/08/2023 10:59

cansu · 07/08/2023 10:14

If he can afford it and it is important to him then why not?

Because OP reckons it's not worth it as it's not her friend apparently.

Overnightoats1 · 07/08/2023 11:54

Im going to a wedding without my DH for 4 nights soon leaving him with 3 kids and working- it's a close friend that travelled a long way to our wedding - we both can't go as it's the first week of school - both my DH and I were invited but one of us needs to be home. If the shoe was on the other foot - I'd encourage him to go. These things don't happen very often and it's important to show up for your friends too..

Caprisunny · 07/08/2023 12:17

Middleagedspreadisreal · 07/08/2023 10:13

I have come across people, friends and colleagues, who have seperate money. I've always thought it weird. Always have, always will.

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Thinking it’s weird is fine.

Pretending to be shocked and surprised that people do it is another.

Why fake shock and surprise at something you know you people do?

rookiemere · 07/08/2023 12:53

I'm very far from being a cool wife. Usually in these threads the H is going on his third stag do of the year and not leaving enough money for a family holiday. Here it's a close friend who came to their wedding and the cost won't impact the family.

Comedycook · 07/08/2023 13:07

This thread is sad.

It seems many women are quite happy to allow men to live their lives free of any obligation or responsibility to their wives as children and dress it up as freedom and independence for themselves.

Financial obligation? Don't be silly...women must work and have their own money. Sensible..yes. But what you're also saying is that men are now free of providing for their family. Being present? Don't be silly...men must be happy and free and able to go where they want when they want regardless of their family committments.

Seriously...it's absolutely depressing and pathetic to watch women slog their guys out so that husbands and fathers can effectively live like single men...whilst retaining status of having a wife and kids. What do you actually expect? It's a win win for men.

Raise the bar

Comedycook · 07/08/2023 13:12

Oh and most of you do all the housework too

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2023 13:25

I see you’re back talking more bollocks @Comedycook. You just can’t help yourself, can you?

MojoDojoCasaHouse · 07/08/2023 13:25

If finances allow and you would get an equivalent amount of time and money to have a break I can’t see the problem with it. Maybe it’s because my DH pulls his weight and gives me time for a social
life and hobbies I would, and have let him go on trips away.

Caprisunny · 07/08/2023 13:27

Comedycook · 07/08/2023 13:07

This thread is sad.

It seems many women are quite happy to allow men to live their lives free of any obligation or responsibility to their wives as children and dress it up as freedom and independence for themselves.

Financial obligation? Don't be silly...women must work and have their own money. Sensible..yes. But what you're also saying is that men are now free of providing for their family. Being present? Don't be silly...men must be happy and free and able to go where they want when they want regardless of their family committments.

Seriously...it's absolutely depressing and pathetic to watch women slog their guys out so that husbands and fathers can effectively live like single men...whilst retaining status of having a wife and kids. What do you actually expect? It's a win win for men.

Raise the bar

Would love you to quote anyone that has posted anything near what you are claiming they have said.

Comedycook · 07/08/2023 13:42

Caprisunny · 07/08/2023 13:27

Would love you to quote anyone that has posted anything near what you are claiming they have said.

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Let him go. With good grace. Even encourage it, as it’s clear he really wants to be there. Why spoil it for him. Consider it a credit for when there is something you really want to do. He’ll be happier

Well this shit for a start reads like advice for a 1950s housewife

MollyRover · 07/08/2023 13:55

Comedycook · 07/08/2023 13:12

Oh and most of you do all the housework too

We have a cleaner actually. I do the washing and him the bins and the garden, aswell as being the chief lightbulb changer. We both cook, sometimes we do that together because it's one of our hobbies. In fact he project managed our reno recently and did a lot of the work himself, although we both financed it so he probably does do more than I do. Does that mean I'm the crap one??

Comedycook · 07/08/2023 14:04

MollyRover · 07/08/2023 13:55

We have a cleaner actually. I do the washing and him the bins and the garden, aswell as being the chief lightbulb changer. We both cook, sometimes we do that together because it's one of our hobbies. In fact he project managed our reno recently and did a lot of the work himself, although we both financed it so he probably does do more than I do. Does that mean I'm the crap one??

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Imagine thinking you're onto a good thing because your husband changes a lightbulb...isn't that a once in 18 month job now we all have energy saving ones...

MollyRover · 07/08/2023 14:23

@Comedycook I think I'm on to a good thing because DH is a wonderful partner, who wants what's best for all of us and who I want the best for. Imagine sneering at women who want their DH to enjoy their life, as part of a family or as an individual who values a long standing friendship.

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2023 14:58

Comedycook · 07/08/2023 14:04

Imagine thinking you're onto a good thing because your husband changes a lightbulb...isn't that a once in 18 month job now we all have energy saving ones...

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You missed the rest, then? Mine does all the meal planning, shopping and cooking, presumably that’s not enough either.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 07/08/2023 17:22

The 'cool wife' comment always seems to be thrown out by codependent women who don't let their DH out of their sight, and threaten to get "angry" or sulk if their DH does anything independently.

I'm married with kids and sure as hell would let DH go and celebrate the wedding of his friend! All this ridiculous "family money" stuff as well. Me and DH have our own money i earn more, and we share family expenses, bills, and most things. But I'm not giving up my own financial independence for anyone. So if DH wanted to spend some of his hard earned money then good for him.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 07/08/2023 17:25

Also in my relationship, we accommodate each other so we can maintain healthy, happy friendships and relationships. DH did the childcare parented his own children when I went away with a friend for 4 nights. I'm happily waving him off on a stag do soon for 3 nights too. I don't understand how some people in a relationship like to make their partners lives harder out of jealousy and bitterness because they can't bare to see their partner having fun without them

UsingChangeofName · 07/08/2023 19:05

Comedycook · 07/08/2023 13:07

This thread is sad.

It seems many women are quite happy to allow men to live their lives free of any obligation or responsibility to their wives as children and dress it up as freedom and independence for themselves.

Financial obligation? Don't be silly...women must work and have their own money. Sensible..yes. But what you're also saying is that men are now free of providing for their family. Being present? Don't be silly...men must be happy and free and able to go where they want when they want regardless of their family committments.

Seriously...it's absolutely depressing and pathetic to watch women slog their guys out so that husbands and fathers can effectively live like single men...whilst retaining status of having a wife and kids. What do you actually expect? It's a win win for men.

Raise the bar

The only sad thing here is that you seem unable to read what other posters have been patiently trying to explain to you.

I find it sad that your mind is so closed you are completely unable to accept that anyone else might be living a different life from this one you are describing. I don't know if you are describing your life, or a fictional one, but you clearly aren't describing the lives of most of the posters that are on this thread.

Isthisasgoodasitis · 07/08/2023 19:24

No such thing in a relationship as own anything he’s being super selfish and should be arranging to go together or not at all

LittleMissUnreasonable · 07/08/2023 19:29

It seems many women are quite happy to allow men to live their lives free of any obligation or responsibility to their wives as children and dress it up as freedom and independence for themselves.
@Comedycook

Hang on a moment, what about when I want to go away with friends and spend my money on myself. Is that DH letting me live my life free of obligation or responsibility. Or does that just apply whenever a man wants to do something...

DottyLottieLou · 07/08/2023 19:46

You weren't prepared to arrange child care. Sounds a bit unilateral.