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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A poll for my husband....

472 replies

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:00

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

OP posts:
Bugbabe1970 · 06/08/2023 22:33

Wanttobefree2 · 05/08/2023 01:14

I think the fact he’s only going for 5 nights says a lot, it’s not dumping you for a 2 week holiday with the lads

We'll that's ok then Confused

Bugbabe1970 · 06/08/2023 22:45

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 15:15

It's basically illustrative of how women are totally screwed over. Working and looking after kids whilst their husbands get to live like single men. Yay feminism

I wish there was a like button on MN

Show me a man who would do this - look after 2 small children and work nights while his wife jetted off to Bali! They would be very few are far between. MN is a crazy place!

I'd love to see how many of the marriages last where the DHs and DWs spend so much time apart 'doing their own thing'

WannaBeRecluse · 06/08/2023 23:12

Comedycook · 06/08/2023 17:01

I'm not saying control someone...I wouldn't tell my dh what he can or can't do...but I can certainly make a judgement on it. How young can a baby be before you think the husband and father has some sort of obligation to be present? Would it still be ok if a baby was one month old?

Show quote history

Only if it was a totally necessary work thing. Not for a wedding. One month is too soon.

The youngest my husband left me with was a 2 week old and another under 2 toddler. He didn't really have a choice at that stage of life. He did the right thing and went for the shortest time possible though (five days). You just get through. Going for something like a holiday or wedding would just be a no due to unfortunate timings.

SnozPoz · 06/08/2023 23:40

We had a similar dilemma with friends getting married in the Caribbean years back..... our child was a baby and there was just no way I was going to do that - husband was fuming... but look if it's a really big deal for him and as long as you get to have a holiday of choice for five days without him or the kids, with him looking after the kids alone in the future no biggy

DVL · 06/08/2023 23:46

YANBU…my OH wouldn’t dream of going without me but we are very close and enjoy doing things together.

Generally for us if it’s something the other won’t enjoy then fine, or if it’s just one of us invited (lads/girls holiday etc) fine..but if we are both invited and OUR children are the reason we can’t go then we both miss out.

Deathbyfluffy · 06/08/2023 23:48

DarkModeDear · 04/08/2023 23:26

The friend made an effort to come to yours and it’s only 5 days, yes he should go imo.

This. It’s not a month, it’s 5 days ffs

Deathbyfluffy · 06/08/2023 23:49

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 04/08/2023 23:24

Not being funny but if married then by law all money is joint money.
My husband would get a frost reception if he did this, both before and after the trip.

Show quote history

Lots of married couples (including myself and my wife) have joint money and then our own money. It’s not unusual.

Miajk · 07/08/2023 00:04

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:16

So for context it's an old school friend of my husband who is getting married. He will be gone for 5 nights. I know a part of DH feels he should go as this friend, who lives abroad, made the effort and travelled back for our wedding. Which I sort of understand but circumstances were different as no one had children to consider then.
I'm thinking the "don't get mad, get even" approach might just be best. Let him have his holiday then make sure I book time away...

YABVU

It's 5 days - not the end of the world. It's not just a holiday, attending important events in your friends lives is a big part of maintaing these relationships.

As long as there is money for you to also take a break and he can step up to also look after the kids on his own for 5 days, I genuinely don't see the problem. Why do you prefer the approach of you both have to suffer rather than you can both have a supportive partner and take a break?

Miajk · 07/08/2023 00:05

Deathbyfluffy · 06/08/2023 23:49

Lots of married couples (including myself and my wife) have joint money and then our own money. It’s not unusual.

Show quote history

It's not unusual but it makes zero logical sense, encourages financial abuse which sadly we see plenty of on MN and doesn't change the fact that when you choose to get married you legally join your finances, it's not yours or theirs.

Not aiming this rant at you but moreso the millions of threads of men who keep "their" money and seem to be too stupid to understand marriage is a legal construct not just some kind of idea

charabang · 07/08/2023 00:34

A vote for your husband here. He's travelling to a friends wedding, a good friend who travelled to yours. Looking after your children for 5 days shouldn't be that big a deal. If it would create financial hardship I would think differently but that doesn't appear to be the case.

GrannyRose15 · 07/08/2023 02:46

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 04/08/2023 23:24

Not being funny but if married then by law all money is joint money.
My husband would get a frost reception if he did this, both before and after the trip.

Show quote history

I don’t think that is quite right. Individuals can have separate bank accounts and keep their finances separate.

Mothership4two · 07/08/2023 03:54

Comedycook · 06/08/2023 20:52

Well according to some on here you should have been happy for him

Show quote history

Except this is a totally different situation to the OPs

Mumof2teens79 · 07/08/2023 04:50

Bugbabe1970 · 06/08/2023 22:45

I wish there was a like button on MN

Show me a man who would do this - look after 2 small children and work nights while his wife jetted off to Bali! They would be very few are far between. MN is a crazy place!

I'd love to see how many of the marriages last where the DHs and DWs spend so much time apart 'doing their own thing'

Show quote history

I know of loads that have done similar.

The working nights is harder, but not that common anyway. Not sure what the usual arrangement is if he is home.

But yes I know loads of men who have looked after their own children (sometimes other people's too!) while their wife is away.

Caprisunny · 07/08/2023 05:39

Bugbabe1970 · 06/08/2023 22:45

I wish there was a like button on MN

Show me a man who would do this - look after 2 small children and work nights while his wife jetted off to Bali! They would be very few are far between. MN is a crazy place!

I'd love to see how many of the marriages last where the DHs and DWs spend so much time apart 'doing their own thing'

Show quote history

My exh is an exh because he a mental health crisis after 15 years of marriage and became dangerous. Still is. If it hadn’t been for that or he has got treatment before he attacked me, he would still be my husband.

However, up until that he was a good husband and he had our young kids so I could go abroad with my mum for her birthday.

My brother and his wife have been married for 18 years and both have regular breaks abroad. Together with the kids and separately with friends or family.

We all did what Op did, asked our family for help in advance for help on some days, if we required it.

On completely different point @Middleagedspreadisreal yes, insular. If you really have never come across people handling money in a different way to how you like to, your life must have been quite insular. Of course the shock and surprise may have just completely fake to make a point that no one understands. Maybe it’s that?

Caprisunny · 07/08/2023 05:49

Miajk · 07/08/2023 00:05

It's not unusual but it makes zero logical sense, encourages financial abuse which sadly we see plenty of on MN and doesn't change the fact that when you choose to get married you legally join your finances, it's not yours or theirs.

Not aiming this rant at you but moreso the millions of threads of men who keep "their" money and seem to be too stupid to understand marriage is a legal construct not just some kind of idea

Show quote history

It doesn’t encourage financial abuse at all. For a lot of women having family money ends in financial abuse because they have to sit and justify every small transaction and end up not being able to make choices for themselves because they are scared of what their husband will think if they don’t agree with it.

Financial abuse can be present in any set up. If a person is goi g to financially abuse someone, they will. Regardless of set up. of course married people are joining assets, bits that not really a huge deal unless you are getting a divorce.

At that point it doesn’t really matter if it’s all joint. Because the default of a lot of people (mainly men) during divorce is to claim theirs anyway. Even when it was all shared during the marriage. Plenty of people share money for them their soon to be ex claim all assets are because of them.

and the higher earner can leave, move their wage to another account and just contribute to bills when separated. They can separate their income straight away. Many women, who are the lower earners get screwed in the period between separation and divorce. Because of the lack of financial order. So having separate money can actually help women because they can have savings in their own account should their husband fuck off and decide they are no longer going to pay the majority of the bills.

T1Dmama · 07/08/2023 07:45

YANU…
I think him going to the wedding and leaving you home to manage work and family is selfish!
I’d be telling him straight that if he goes you’ll be booking yourself a long weekend away with some girl friends and leaving him with the kids alone …. If he says ok I’d sit on the laptop literally tonight and say ‘DH what’s the adult weekends at Butlins like’ or how long flight is it to her to Ibiza as the girls suggested a long weekend there to let our hair down!’

I remember years ago my ex asking how I’d feel about him going to Amsterdam for a stag weekend 🙄…. I just said yeah fine, let me know when and I’ll ask susan and jayne if they fancy a girls weekend in Ibiza… funnily enough he decided he couldn’t handle the thought of me having a good time quite as much as the thought of him having a good time!

Id tell him you feel he’s selfish to go, but fine as long as he repays the favour…. Then start planning with a couple of your friends a weekend doing something for yourself with fiends.

T1Dmama · 07/08/2023 07:47

Friends!!

Wouldnt be much fun with fiends 😂

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 07/08/2023 08:05

I don't see a problem with him going, but this needs to be countered with you having the same luxury. If you can't afford both and a family holiday then it's a 'no go'.

If you can afford this, then I'd start to arrange it now, I recently had a long weekend (3 nights) in Tenerife with a friend for her birthday, it was lovely just to have 2 full days sat in the sun. Book it now before he goes.

If he complains or makes any negative noises tell him if he can't be supportive then he needs to stay at home too.

Maray1967 · 07/08/2023 08:22

I went to two day work conferences when we had an 18 month old and away on fieldwork for 6 days when DS was almost 2. DH then Went to close friends wedding abroad for 2 weeks. We only had the one DC and I could manage fine. DH had to go to his parents for a few days …

So I would check that your mum can help - if she can’t then he can’t go. If she can and he goes, you get to go away later. Make sure he understands this.

Jack80 · 07/08/2023 08:37

If you can afford it and can ask for someone to have your children then I would go with him. It would be nice to have a break away with husband.

Shadowboy · 07/08/2023 08:39

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:16

So for context it's an old school friend of my husband who is getting married. He will be gone for 5 nights. I know a part of DH feels he should go as this friend, who lives abroad, made the effort and travelled back for our wedding. Which I sort of understand but circumstances were different as no one had children to consider then.
I'm thinking the "don't get mad, get even" approach might just be best. Let him have his holiday then make sure I book time away...

Given the friend made the effort for your wedding I can totally understand why he would go. 5 nights is OK. If you can afford it why not?

addictedtotheflats · 07/08/2023 08:43

Apart from the fact I'd be insanely jealous he was off to Bali it wouldn't bother me at all, its only 5 days. I would bank the 5 days for a trip for myself and set up camp at my mums with the kids to help while he's gone

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/08/2023 09:56

FloorWipes · 05/08/2023 01:12

Honestly I don’t think I’d accept this. But our child I think is more challenging than the average so we are particularly conscious of no one being left alone too long as it isn’t doable, and I also think a trip to Bali would be too much of a financial strain.

@FloorWipes

did you not read the bit about him using his own savings?

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/08/2023 09:59

T1Dmama · 07/08/2023 07:45

YANU…
I think him going to the wedding and leaving you home to manage work and family is selfish!
I’d be telling him straight that if he goes you’ll be booking yourself a long weekend away with some girl friends and leaving him with the kids alone …. If he says ok I’d sit on the laptop literally tonight and say ‘DH what’s the adult weekends at Butlins like’ or how long flight is it to her to Ibiza as the girls suggested a long weekend there to let our hair down!’

I remember years ago my ex asking how I’d feel about him going to Amsterdam for a stag weekend 🙄…. I just said yeah fine, let me know when and I’ll ask susan and jayne if they fancy a girls weekend in Ibiza… funnily enough he decided he couldn’t handle the thought of me having a good time quite as much as the thought of him having a good time!

Id tell him you feel he’s selfish to go, but fine as long as he repays the favour…. Then start planning with a couple of your friends a weekend doing something for yourself with fiends.

@T1Dmama

Your ex wasn’t, but you do realise that plenty of men would be ok with it being reciprocated. If OP’s husband is fine with her going away for a week with her pals then really what is the issue?!

Middleagedspreadisreal · 07/08/2023 10:09

GuinnessBird · 06/08/2023 22:23

Why wouldn't they?

Not everyone is stuck in the 1950's, contrary to popular Mumsnet belief.

I have my own money and so does my husband.

Deal with it.

Show quote history

I'm not stuck in the 50s, I wasn't even born then 🙄 I just think it's very weird to have yours and mine money in a marriage. Like it's having a safety net if all goes wrong. Plus, as has been proved, it causes resentment.