Page 14 | A poll for my husband....

Sellingbedtime · 2023-08-04T22:00:59+00:00

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us. I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU?? Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

Acheeselovingneighbour · 06/08/2023 08:58

WhateverMate · 05/08/2023 00:33

'Cool wives' is just a horribly misogynistic term that's often trotted out on MN, to shut women down.

It's up there with calling someone a 'Karen' imo.

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I completely agree. It is so reductive and designed to banish any other opinion.

OP, if you have help and the financial side isn't an issue then I wouldn't have a problem. I would however, expect to be afforded something similar in the near future.

Honeychickpea · 06/08/2023 13:29

But it appears she was under the impression that staying home was a status issue
It is still a status issue. Many mothers who don't work delude themselves that they are morally superior to mothers who do work.

soberfabulous · 06/08/2023 14:11

fullbloom87 thankfully he runs his own business so can take as much time as he wants - and he does.

next week we go away for ten days, we go away for october half term for a week and will also take two weeks at christmas...plus a couple of other trips that we tag onto bank holidays throughout the year.

we love travel and really value our family trips together. we both work hard and earn good money so we are very fortunate.

if that wasn't the case i'd imagine i'd be more annoyed about his solo trips!

Shirtella · 06/08/2023 14:18

I’d let him go, but I wouldn’t let him back.

Mumof2teens79 · 06/08/2023 14:35

Blossomtoes · 06/08/2023 08:46

At least back then most married women and children had a choice and that choice was accepted unlike today,

We didn’t have any choice. There was no childcare and we had to stay at home. It was miserable and frustrating being expected to just turn off your brain because you’d had a baby and your greatest intellectual challenge was singing The Wheels on the Bus.

Men and women have infinitely more choice now.

My mum worked FT 40yrs ago and we were in childcare....she was fortunately a teacher locally so term time only and not a long commute. 40yrs ago more women were starting to take on better and more varied jobs.
Most of my friends mums either SAH or worked low paid part time jobs.

My grandmothers 60+ yrs ago both worked manual/skilled jobs AND kept a house. My parents both had to look after younger siblings from a young age.

Now there are options...OH & I both work FT and used childcare.....but equally responsible for that. He would also have supported me to SAH but he would have had to work more to get ahead to bring more money home...literally leaving me holding the baby. But he had friends who are SAH dad's or who work part time....so many more options.

CurlewKate · 06/08/2023 15:02

"'Cool wives' is just a horribly misogynistic term that's often trotted out on MN, to shut women down."

It's not, you know. Rather the opposite.

Squiblet · 06/08/2023 15:07

'Cool wives' is just a horribly misogynistic term that's often trotted out on MN, to shut women down.
It's up there with calling someone a 'Karen' imo.

Agree with this. A "cool wife" or "cool GF", to many people here, seems to mean "Someone who says yes to a request which I personally would say no to, and is therefore very irritating to me".

FarEast · 06/08/2023 15:09

YANBU.

Unless your husband stumps up the money and time for you to go off for an equivalent holiday.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 06/08/2023 15:13

'Cool wives' is just a horribly misogynistic term that's often trotted out on MN, to shut women down.

Not always, tbf. Quite often on here it's used defensively against women who sneer at other women's boundaries about things like porn use.

Honeychickpea · 06/08/2023 15:17

Squiblet · 06/08/2023 15:07

'Cool wives' is just a horribly misogynistic term that's often trotted out on MN, to shut women down.
It's up there with calling someone a 'Karen' imo.

Agree with this. A "cool wife" or "cool GF", to many people here, seems to mean "Someone who says yes to a request which I personally would say no to, and is therefore very irritating to me".

Mostly trotted out by sahms who don't trust their husbands and are terrified of being left.

Comedycook · 06/08/2023 15:22

Squiblet · 06/08/2023 15:07

'Cool wives' is just a horribly misogynistic term that's often trotted out on MN, to shut women down.
It's up there with calling someone a 'Karen' imo.

Agree with this. A "cool wife" or "cool GF", to many people here, seems to mean "Someone who says yes to a request which I personally would say no to, and is therefore very irritating to me".

I find it pathetic the number of posters on this thread queuing up to say that their husbands happiness and freedom is so incredibly important that they are sooooooo happy for him to holiday across the world alone while she looks after their very young children whilst working and slogging her guts out at home.

Zone2NorthLondon · 06/08/2023 15:23

FarEast · 06/08/2023 15:09

YANBU.

Unless your husband stumps up the money and time for you to go off for an equivalent holiday.

given the dh is paying for trip using his own money,why should he pay for her trip.
@Sellingbedtime needs to pay for her own trip with her own money
Out of interest how does he stump up time? He’s nothing giver of time. As adults and partners they discuss and chose a date that mutually works

Honeychickpea · 06/08/2023 15:26

Comedycook · 06/08/2023 15:22

I find it pathetic the number of posters on this thread queuing up to say that their husbands happiness and freedom is so incredibly important that they are sooooooo happy for him to holiday across the world alone while she looks after their very young children whilst working and slogging her guts out at home.

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,You missed the bit about our own happiness autonomy and equality being equally important and taken into consideration.

Honeychickpea · 06/08/2023 15:39

Janieforever · 05/08/2023 10:26

If cool wife means giving each other freedom in a relationship and supporting each other and working as a mutually beneficial supportive team. Then it’s a huge compliment, call me a cool wife with a cool husband all day long, I’ll take that and thank you kindly.

if cool wife means not controlling your husband, not dictating what he can and cannot do, not dictating you can’t have individual spending money so you can control what it’s spent on, and call it family money to enable that control, to not let your spouse out, to not decide what they can and cannot do, then again it’s a huge compliment and I will take it and thank you kindly.

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I choose to agree with @Janieforever.

Zone2NorthLondon · 06/08/2023 16:06

@fullbloom87 you are mythologising a sepia toned history that simply didn’t exist for a huge swathe of women. My mother worked FT when I was at school everyone mum worked. When I was growing up No one was a housewife.

Historically, Women and children worked in agriculture and factories. The factories act,educational changes disbarred children working. Women continued working. Women not working maintained by a male wage is a middle class affectation. It’s not the norm. Even when women didn’t work externally they worked at home doing piece work. Male wage isn’t always sufficient to maintain unemployed partner and support a family

with regard to my children, yes they’re in nursery FT. It’s a staff nursery, the employer recognised there is demand (there is a waitlist for baby room ). I have no guilt,no qualms. If it offend someone else, tough

working is important to me. I enjoy it. I am not prepared to give it up or step down

ideologically I want to earn my own money and maintain my career .
I don’t need or want a man to pay for me. Nor did my mother back in the day

MollyRover · 06/08/2023 16:15

@Comedycook we would prefer to holiday together and have a lovely relaxing time, but our children are small so take priority over our needs to relax on family holidays. Our finances don't stretch to nannies in order to do this. In order to keep our sanity each of us has a weekend or 5 days , whatever, once or twice a year to get away, paid for by ourselves and supported by our partner. There's nothing "cool" about it, we work hard for our children, eachother, ourselves and have no support apart from eachother. We haven't even been out for a meal together since DC2 was born but are hoping to find a good babysitter soon since they're sleeping pretty consistently now. It's our new (school) year resolution.

You're a SAHP, that's what you and your DH chose and that's fine, but just because either parent wants to get away for a few days, to celebrate a wedding of a dear old friend of all things, doesn't make them a bad partner and parent for leaving their (family supported) spouse at home to do this. The very same situation might arise for me soon and DH and I have already discussed, I will be going with his best wishes to the happy couple.

Comedycook · 06/08/2023 16:27

MollyRover · 06/08/2023 16:15

@Comedycook we would prefer to holiday together and have a lovely relaxing time, but our children are small so take priority over our needs to relax on family holidays. Our finances don't stretch to nannies in order to do this. In order to keep our sanity each of us has a weekend or 5 days , whatever, once or twice a year to get away, paid for by ourselves and supported by our partner. There's nothing "cool" about it, we work hard for our children, eachother, ourselves and have no support apart from eachother. We haven't even been out for a meal together since DC2 was born but are hoping to find a good babysitter soon since they're sleeping pretty consistently now. It's our new (school) year resolution.

You're a SAHP, that's what you and your DH chose and that's fine, but just because either parent wants to get away for a few days, to celebrate a wedding of a dear old friend of all things, doesn't make them a bad partner and parent for leaving their (family supported) spouse at home to do this. The very same situation might arise for me soon and DH and I have already discussed, I will be going with his best wishes to the happy couple.

And your situation is totally different to the ops. She may now be thinking of having a break herself but only in an attempt to make it fair. Her DH has unilaterally decided to go away without her and the kids. Honestly if I met a bloke at an overseas wedding who told me he'd left his working wife at home with their baby and toddler, I'd think he was a total prick.

Zone2NorthLondon · 06/08/2023 16:33

@Comedycook if I met an adult man who told me their partner objected to them going to best friend wedding and wanted them to forgo the trip I’d think the partner was controlling and prone to histrionics

Honeychickpea · 06/08/2023 16:38

Comedycook · 06/08/2023 16:27

And your situation is totally different to the ops. She may now be thinking of having a break herself but only in an attempt to make it fair. Her DH has unilaterally decided to go away without her and the kids. Honestly if I met a bloke at an overseas wedding who told me he'd left his working wife at home with their baby and toddler, I'd think he was a total prick.

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After she unilaterally decided it wasn't "worth it" to go to the wedding of her husband's close friend. I would not only be going to the wedding, I would be filing for divorce on my return.

Comedycook · 06/08/2023 16:43

Zone2NorthLondon · 06/08/2023 16:33

@Comedycook if I met an adult man who told me their partner objected to them going to best friend wedding and wanted them to forgo the trip I’d think the partner was controlling and prone to histrionics

I would too until I found out they had a baby who wasn't even one year old yet, a three year old , oh as they worked...in which case, I'd be thinking fair dos.

Zone2NorthLondon · 06/08/2023 16:54

You forgot to add it’s a child free wedding and the partner has support from her mil. She isn’t home run ragged alone she has support
it is controlling to tell an adult what they cannot do,impose upon them or radiate disapproval to manipulate desired outcome

Comedycook · 06/08/2023 17:01

Zone2NorthLondon · 06/08/2023 16:54

You forgot to add it’s a child free wedding and the partner has support from her mil. She isn’t home run ragged alone she has support
it is controlling to tell an adult what they cannot do,impose upon them or radiate disapproval to manipulate desired outcome

I'm not saying control someone...I wouldn't tell my dh what he can or can't do...but I can certainly make a judgement on it. How young can a baby be before you think the husband and father has some sort of obligation to be present? Would it still be ok if a baby was one month old?

Iwant2stayanon · 06/08/2023 17:48

I arrived at the conclusion a long time ago that men are weak, selfish arseholes. None of this surprises me and no, you are not being unreasonable.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 06/08/2023 17:59

'HIS' money? 'HIS' savings?????
Alarm bells, alarm bells!!!!

Honeychickpea · 06/08/2023 18:07

Middleagedspreadisreal · 06/08/2023 17:59

'HIS' money? 'HIS' savings?????
Alarm bells, alarm bells!!!!

It would only ring alarm bells with me if you don’t also have your own money and your own savings.