A poll for my husband....

[Sellingbedtime]

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

Care to elaborate on the histrionics or shall I guess by the alarm bells & fevered punctuation

Sahm fearing a job looming.

It's his good friend and he's planning on 5 nights only. Tbh it couldn't really be much less. I think your communication must be really poor. You just assumed as you had declared this trip a no go for kids and you weren't going without them that he would go. He assumed that as it was you saying you don't wanna leave the kids he'd go alone.
I'm assuming money isn't a deciding factor so I'd be ringing round now asking mum (whoever) to have the kids. It's 5 days. Some partners do this every week M-F. If you can't get child care give him your blessing to go.

I know where I would put that pole!

Disagree with the 'get mad, get even' stance. That's spiteful and premeditated.
It's your DHs old friend who travelled to your wedding to support and be there firstly for your husband and secondly your marriage.
You do not want to leave your children, understandable, but this is your choice. He is being there for his friend and sounds like a decent bloke to me. He is using his own money so not coming out of the family pot TAD, you had an option to go but don't want to, so just let him breathe for a bit. It's 5 days, maybe 6 with jetlag, not on an oil rig for 6 months or never coming back

Yabu yes! Hope he goes and has great time. Sounds like the groom was a good friend coming back for your wedding so it would be really rude for you not to make the effort back.

Stunned that partners, especially married ones, have their 'OWN' money. Exlamation mark.

I'm retired fyi

Maybe you are just quite old fashioned then.

Lots of couple have their own money. He has his own money. She has her own money. It’s great!

you must live quite an insular life if you have never heard of people doing things differently to other people.

There were many times my DH was away - work/sports and the occasional wedding. I could have gone but I did not want to leave 2 small children at home. I was happy he went. I would hear all about it when he returned. I used to call it ‘air miles ‘ and when I wanted to have a week end away, trips with my family or friends it was earned and very welcomed by DH who would stay with kids and do stuff with them. It worked really well for us. No pressure all round.

I find it pathetic the number of posters on this thread queuing up to say that their husbands happiness and freedom is so incredibly important that they are sooooooo happy for him to holiday across the world alone while she looks after their very young children whilst working and slogging her guts out at home.

I can't understand why you keep wanting to put your own weird twist on this.
That isn't the situation at all.
Most of us are describing our lives, in solid, happy, respectful marriages or partnerships, where we talk to one another, and discuss priorities and how both people in the couple, over time, get to do things that are important for them.
Even if you sadly haven't found that type of relationship, it seems odd that you can't grasp that there are different ways of 'being'.

Gather your pomander then
I am married, separate monies. No family money. No sharing. Mine is mine, his is his. I have my own monies
i didn’t change my name. Never would. Have always used Ms. Never Mrs
children are double barrelled both our surnames

Let him go. With good grace. Even encourage it, as it’s clear he really wants to be there. Why spoil it for him. Consider it a credit for when there is something you really want to do. He’ll be happier and hopefully share it all with you via the internet and be happy not guilty when he gets back.

YANBU. My husband went on holiday abroad with a mate a few weeks after I’d had our second baby, leaving me with a newborn and a toddler. I still can’t believe I didn’t tell him at the time what i felt and thought. He’s been my ex husband for about thirty years …

Well according to some on here you should have been happy for him

This reads like an agony aunt column from the 1950s

Insular life? 😂😂😂

Let him go! It's an old school friend and these things don't happen very often. He'll make wonderful memories and another opportunity will come up like this and it'll be your turn.. life is too short to miss these opportunities! 5 days away will be fine!

Wow. I’ve always had my own money and always will. I didn’t spend the best part of 50 years working for it only to relinquish it to my bloke.

I used to have the same outlook when it came to this sort of thing but I think sometimes we have to gain the other person’s perspective. If this friend is a close
old school friend who he thinks a lot of and he can afford It AND it isn’t coming out of your joint finances, maybe just let it be. It probably feels daunting because it’s so far away.

FWIW my partner probably couldn’t afford to go for a wedding in Bali, even for his very best friend, but his friend would know that and wouldn’t care. But if he could afford it, I would probably accept he should go. If it was my best friend, sister, close someone in my life, I would hope that my husband would understand why i would like to go. I probably wouldn’t go if I had 2 kids though, especially one under a year, but who knows? I haven’t been in that situation.

If we really think about it, we probably are just envious that he’s going half way across the world without a care in the world and having a great time but realistically we can’t even go to the local pub without worrying.

It's be a no from me. Other people's weddings are dull...send them money and a card, wish them well and spend your hard earned cash on family holidays. It's just an excuse for a jolly and I'm very lucky I have the kind of husband who didn't act like he was single when he was married with kids.

Why wouldn't they?

Not everyone is stuck in the 1950's, contrary to popular Mumsnet belief.

I have my own money and so does my husband.

Deal with it.

Selfish Prick!!!

So
You've got little ones and you're working!
Sorry I just think he's being selfish. I would not be ok with this!

Completely different from going to Bali for 5 nights leaving her with 2 young children and working nights- this is the complete opposite of cool! It's shitty!