Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That I’m not DH “true love”

666 replies

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 20:00

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

OP posts:
nadine90 · 04/08/2023 21:29

I'm so sorry op.
I don't believe in "true love", or that spending a lifetime with one person is the ultimate goal. Sure, some people love each other so much that they do spend the rest of their lives together, and that's lovely for them.
But, I do not subscribe to "settling down".
You've had "the kids, the house, the money, the holidays", yes. But there is no reason that your future can't include passion, deep love, adventure - whatever you want. You just can't have that with him.
I doubt he will ever have what he thinks he craves with this woman. But that's his cross to bear.
You could wait unhappily for the kids to fly the nest to close this chapter and open the next, or you could start it right now. Only you know what you need, but remember life is short. Do not settle xxx

GoingGoingUp · 04/08/2023 21:29

How long is he away for Op? Perhaps the time apart has come at the right time for you to think about what you want.

Also, how do you feel about him. I noted that you said he’s someone who came at the right time rather than someone you feel madly in love with.

SunsetCurtain · 04/08/2023 21:30

I'll go as far to say that if you live until 90, you have more time ahead of you for a different, more fulfilling relationship than what you have already spent on him.
Unless you are childhood sweethearts - you presumably have been together less than 40 years.

Don't get sucked into sunken cost fallacy.

EarthSight · 04/08/2023 21:32

So sorry OP. He probably values you, but not in the way that makes you feel cherished and wanted as a whole person.

He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything

Sounds like what he tells himself about his lot in life.

Clafoutie · 04/08/2023 21:32

Thebirdhouse · 04/08/2023 20:47

OP you pushed and pushed. He didn't want to give you that answer.

My DH is not my true love. He is exactly what your DH said you were. He came along at the right time, he's the father of my children, he's my companion. There were never fireworks but I do love him in a different way.
I remember talking to my brother twenty years ago, I was 20 something myself then, and I asked if the woman he was about to marry was his 'true love' and he laughed and said he'd never have thought he'd marry someone like her but she was what he needed in his life - security, settled and someone who wanted to be a mother.
There are all different types of love. The passionate 'true love' is very easy to think about and talk about but if no doubt they'd p*iss you off in time, just like all partners do. Your DH saying he'd go and live with his 'one that got away' is nonsense. She didn't want him enough back then to move with him and he didn't want her enough back then to stay there with her. Its fantasy. You shouldn't have pushed.
Make up with him before he leaves.

I don’t know whether this is what you meant, but you sound as if you are saying this is really the fault of the OP, which I don’t think is fair.
I agree with you that there are different types of love, but I feel the fact that he specifically has this other woman in mind, whether fantasy or not, is what is so difficult here.

Oatycookies · 04/08/2023 21:32

GoingGoingUp · 04/08/2023 21:21

No suggestion at all that’s why he married OP…

Show quote history

There are indicators to suggest it’s a real possibility if you look at the context - man from another country gets married and “settles”( as he sees it) despite the fact he was only 27. Op has now said the thought did cross her mind when they first met so it wasn’t that far fetched.

OP not all passport chasers leave once they get the citizenship. Some do believe in marriage for life, and have at least a grain of decency so once they’ve married will stick with it, but I’ve noticed they can often come across resentful similar to how your DH comes across.

I suppose you may never really know so no point dwelling on it too much - although your DH is that blunt he may tell you if you ask him 😧

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 04/08/2023 21:32

Katey83 · 04/08/2023 21:27

It’s not nice to say, but it’s similar to how I feel about my own DH - he’s my family, a father and I am committed to him and our life together but it’s never been fireworks, or butterflies or obsession for me. I have had that before, but ultimately your husband is right, you’ll don’t get it all. However, I would never tell DH this. That is cruel and unnecessary, bound to cause insecurity and damage trust, and not ‘doing right by him/keeping my vows (union of two of us to exclusion of all others - for me that includes fantasies over exes (fantasies that by the way, are just that)). Take some time while he is away, I can see how this might be a dealbreaker.

But as you and I know there’s a very big difference between keeping this hidden and telling someone,

I’m sure lots of people in this world think like this, of their first love, but they just get on with life.

The worrying thing about OP’s DH is that say if he got terminally sick or his first love did, he’d be straight by her side. That’s what he’s said and I’d have to say I believe him doing this if I were her.

porridgeisbae · 04/08/2023 21:33

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly

@Jensajenning Well I'd say he was really horrible, even at the start of the conversation which he began with his hurtful words, this isn't the sort of thing someone should say to their wife. He knew it would hurt you of course.

Punkkitty · 04/08/2023 21:34

It’s all well and good everyone saying leave him and end the relationship and yeah maybe you should.
But I imagine the key issue is that he is the love of your life and despite what he has said you still love him. It’s incredibly hard to walk away from someone you love. Testament to this being the numerous threads on these boards of people clinging to relationships where not only are they not the love of someone’s life but also treated abysmally by them.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 04/08/2023 21:34

Oatycookies · 04/08/2023 21:32

There are indicators to suggest it’s a real possibility if you look at the context - man from another country gets married and “settles”( as he sees it) despite the fact he was only 27. Op has now said the thought did cross her mind when they first met so it wasn’t that far fetched.

OP not all passport chasers leave once they get the citizenship. Some do believe in marriage for life, and have at least a grain of decency so once they’ve married will stick with it, but I’ve noticed they can often come across resentful similar to how your DH comes across.

I suppose you may never really know so no point dwelling on it too much - although your DH is that blunt he may tell you if you ask him 😧

Show quote history

I actually think it’s not terrible if he did marry OP to get a passport originally but then when he met OP and they had children he sort of fell in love.

EarthSight · 04/08/2023 21:34

Also, I couldn't get over that, and what he said about her.

BatheInTheLight · 04/08/2023 21:36

I wonder if he isn't happy with you, isn't happy to settle any longer. He's just too much of a coward to end it, so he's giving you this ammunition and hopefully you'll finish it. Then he can tell his family it was all your doing, you left him.

He could have easily stopped talking and spared your feelings but he didn't. I wonder if he got some kind of kick out telling you how you aren't that special to him?

Losttheplotsometimeago · 04/08/2023 21:39

What a cunt.

I couldn't be married to someone so needlessly unpleasant.

tillylula · 04/08/2023 21:39

I'd be thinking about divorce while he's gone. I'm sorry this has happened to you

BatheInTheLight · 04/08/2023 21:39

Just to add, I couldn't ever look at my partner the same after that. You can't unhear those horrible truths.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/08/2023 21:40

Sorry this has happened to you.

Please use the time he is away to evaluate your life. It sounds as though you don't work? Do you have a career you can pick up, or can you investigate some training? You are only in your 40s and need to establish some sort of financial independence, regardless of what else happens.

Good luck.

LizzieSiddal · 04/08/2023 21:40

What he said about wanting to go to her if he knew he was dying was so cruel, he should be apologising and reassuring you that he doesn’t want to leave, because at the moment it sounds like he does.

Oatycookies · 04/08/2023 21:40

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 04/08/2023 21:34

I actually think it’s not terrible if he did marry OP to get a passport originally but then when he met OP and they had children he sort of fell in love.

Show quote history

yeah I guess that does happen sometimes!

personally I think it’s ok if everyone is upfront. It does work for some people. I was dating a guy when I used to go back and forth between here and NYC.

And he knew I wanted to live in America so he suggested we get married ( he is American) . That’d have been ok if I’d married him for a passport IMO because we would both know the situation…

I think he did it with the expectation that I’d have eventually fallen in love with him though

chandellina · 04/08/2023 21:40

I'm so sorry you had to hear this. Sometimes it is better not to know someone's inner thoughts. You pushed him and he admitted it, but that doesn't mean it is real in any way, it's just a fantasy for him. She is taken. I don't think your marriage over. Marriage is full of compromises, and many people have fantasies about the one who got away. Stay calm and focus on the love you have. It is worth a lot. Best wishes.

Branleuse · 04/08/2023 21:41

Hes a dick. Hes wasted your time

porridgeisbae · 04/08/2023 21:43

He could have easily stopped talking and spared your feelings but he didn't. I wonder if he got some kind of kick out telling you how you aren't that special to him?

I think so, that's why he said what he said in the first place. Because he thinks he can and OP will put up with it. That imbalance of power in the relationship is something a lot of men enjoy playing on.

CarlossitaMamacita · 04/08/2023 21:44

If you are sure he will return the children and they will be safe with him that's good then use the time alone to consider divorce, see how finances stack up.

LampsAndWatches · 04/08/2023 21:44

Take this time to think about yourself, what are you worth
what are you worth to your children
don’t get left behind because of his beliefs, what are your beliefs about your family unit and relationships?

what are your thoughts about your marriage, are they the same as what he has voiced? Do you deserve better. Could you spend time on yourself for you and your children?
it’s very do able

alpenguin · 04/08/2023 21:44

Initially I was cringing thinking you were looking for the Disney happy ever after with your one true love and how unrealistic that is because we have many different loves in our lives.

However, after reading on and hearing how he’d disappear off with someone else if he was dying then I kind of changed my mind. You deserve better. Love and companionship can be enough for some people but it’s clearly not what you want and it’s all he’s prepared to give. Plan for him returning to a different house and use the time away from him to get your thoughts together.

porridgeisbae · 04/08/2023 21:45

You pushed him and he admitted it

@chandellina He was the first one to say stuff which wasn't ok.

Swipe left for the next trending thread