Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .
Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .
His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .
I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .
I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .
He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …
He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said
“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”
He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …