That I’m not DH “true love”

[Jensajenning]

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

It'll be interested to see whether this thread gets linked back to the next time a load of people encourage an OP to "just marry" a man who is stable, wants kids, and is in love with her, but she isn't sure about. Because here's how it feels to be on the other side of that.

@Nn9011 thank you I will have a look .

@RhosynBach yes you hit a nail on the head there that I didn’t know was bothering me . It was said as if I was / I am a job he’s completed . He came to England , he married , he had kids , he’s secure he can provide for his wider family , he helped his brother come here - a tick on his to do list .

I can’t lie as for being a father , if a little absent from working a lot and maybe some cultural clashes with DD he is and has been fantastic with them . Nothing is too much for them , what they want they have , and discipline wise he’s strict but loving with them .
I suppose now maybe he has always been more open with his affection with them than he has me. More natural I suppose

He settled for you. There's nothing wrong with that, women do it all the time.

I'm sorry you had to hear those things though, that was unforgivable.

That's horrible.

Basically he once drove a sports car but couldn't afford to run it any more so he bought a reliable old people carrier that's lasted years. He still yearns for the sports car though.

I would dump him when he gets home.

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

The relationship would be dead for me after that ^ had been said.

’Passion’, so this is just about sex then?
That’s not love.

I can see his daydreaming about a fantasy, and that it’s not really based on an reality.

@Jensajenning

Urgh dump him Op

You don’t have to be anyone’s second best

That’s exactly it - lots of people settle, whether it be going for the safe choice, biological clock, comfort of having someone trustworthy, etc.

But it’s being told that someone settled for you and they yearn to be with someone else. That’s where OP’s husband has cocked up.

I’m so sorry you had to hear that. That was brutal . How bloody dare he? There’s no coming back from that . Do not be his second best.

There is no going back. "Back" didn't exist. It's very clear now you were what he needed for the next step in his life. But was that not the same for you too? It doesn't sound like there was ever wild passion between you. He was just someone you found suitable to marry and have children with. You've both built a life together. That is something that other woman wasn't able to give him. She won't be the same person now as she was then. She is not his true love because that isn't a thing.

I mean, when people say they "settled," do they mean that they decided to marry someone they didn't really love, or did they mature in their understanding of what counts as true love? Maybe if you don't really love someone, don't marry them, that is doing them an injustice because it's treating them like they shouldn't expect more out of life than to be someone's "second best." But to marry someone, to receive all of their love, and then to turn around and tell them that you "did your duty" by them but that you don't love them, that's pretty darn cold.

@Fingeronthebutton as for being concerned for our children’s safety that isn’t even a thought I ever have or would have even now or if we weren’t together .
I have always encouraged the children visiting , to see their grandparents, the wider family , to hear and learn the language, to see the beauty of his country and how different it is still to here even though it’s only a three ish hours by plane .
I just cannot cope with the heat in august and especially this year with the heatwave . Youngest would be going too except he has a medical appointment I don’t want to rearrange.

I think millions of married people feel like this, millions. But his mistake was saying it. Surely we all have the one that got away? Don’t we?

This would be a marriage killer for me I think. His last thoughts about if he had limited time left he’d go to her. I can understand to some extent the idea of a first love or intense relationship that stays with you, but the fact that it isn’t in the past is really hurtful.

FWIW I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months who has been clear from the start that there’s some unfinished business with his ex, but for various reasons they will never get back together. At the time I approached it much like someone who had been widowed, in that he will always have love for her, but she’s the past.

However, as time went on it became clear that he was still harbouring a dream that their insurmountable differences would somehow be surmounted, and then he told me that although they split several years ago, they’d kissed a few months back (long before we met) and had called each other every 6 months or so to pick at the scab talk things over.

This made me realise it wasn’t a past love, it was very much still current and while he’s been nothing but honest about his situation, and even said he wasn’t sure if he was ready for dating (after 3 years!), it’s now clear that anyone else he dates will forever live in the shadow of this big and complicated love, in much the same way as a widower can love again, but wants to be buried with his first wife.

Its not fair on you to make you feel like a list of chores that he’s completed rather than someone who shares his life. I don’t care how exasperated he was with the question, that’s a shitty attitude towards you.

@Jensajenning you remind me of the couple in "the beauty queen of Jerusulem"......

I know people in general don't marry the love of their life and they consider practicalities etc but it can't be me. I need love .

However the fact you are building a successful life together with a loving family is no mean task either. So maybe he is after a dream without realising you are his dream

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

I am not sure I could get past this. Also not sure I can get over the way he said things so calmly and factually as if he did not care about your feelings. That is not love (any type of love) for you there.

I feel he used you.

He is just about to take 2 of your children to his home country in an hour or so? I hope you have had a chance to speak to him after he didn;t come to bed and he wasn't talking to you! I wouldn't want him taking the children to wherever it is under those circumstances. Did he marry you at 27 years old so he could stay in this country and have a comfortable life? 27 is very young for a man to get married - he didn't have to "settle" for anything, so what's he talking about?

For me there’s being honest and there’s being honest. He didn’t have to tell you this or be so brutally honest about it. Especially as you have children and he goes to his home country to see his family.

How would he like it if it was reversed?

I’m sorry but I’d divorce him for this as I couldn’t get back from this.

Why is he so sure that he could go with her if he had limited time left? Is something going on?

Why are you sayings it’s just about sex? He said this “If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her”

it would be perhaps an easier pill to swallow if he simply said he didn’t have the same intensity of attraction to Op but he literally said despite them sharing a life together he’d choose to spend his last days on earth with this so called true love and the only reason he wasn’t with with his ex is because SHE didn’t choose him.

@blueshoes yes it is how factual he was that is why I can’t throw it away as looking back at a fantasy or whatever .
There was no dramatics , you know when people say “it is what it is” I felt i lived that expression last night

@Jensajenning

I think this is a very good lesson on why we're told not to ask questions we really don't want to know the answers to. But you asked, and he answered truthfully. Maybe TOO truthfully.

So now that you know, what do you want to do about it?

I think I might have been able to get past the 'you're my companion, wife, his love for our family, etc etc' and made myself a life with him based on our marriage being solid and him treating me well and with respect and affection. I probably could have buried my hurt and my ego and carried on. It certainly would have killed a major part of my love for him though.

But him saying that he'd go to her the way he did, and especially saying 'I've done my duty' would leave me feeling I had the Sword of Damocles over my head. What if he wakes up one morning and for some other reason decides he's 'done his duty' and 'it’s my time to have what I want'? That would shake the very foundation of my trust in him and my belief in the solidity of my marriage. That would be the thing that I couldn't get over. And I would probably choose to leave rather than be living under that shadow. Because that shadow colours everything you think and makes you second guess everything you do; "If I do or say X will he decide he's done since it's duty and not love that's keeping him here?", "If he gets his head turned will 'duty' be enough to keep him faithful?" and a myriad of other worries that might dog me from now on. And then the resentment would begin to grow and grow. No way to live one's life, that's for sure.

I think you need to use the time he's gone to reflect on your life and what you want for your future. And to make any plans that you feel you might need to make.

Sounds like you’ve hit the nail on the head. Probably realised OP’s time was running out for kids and she’d be a good option to marry and get a British passport. How awful if it really is the case.

The last bit was unforgivable. Yes I’m sure there’s many couples who aren’t each other’s ‘love of their life’ and you did push it but he really didn’t need to say that about going to her if he had a month left. Not sure I’d be able to come back from that. My ex knew that he wasn’t the love of his life, he knew I didn’t want to go out with him at all at first, as I saw him more as a friend and felt we had little in common. Then he spent the whole relationship annoyed at me because of it and it ended anyway, for another reason but eventually it would have ended because of that

@SadieOlsen we still haven’t spoke no - I don’t particularly want to speak to him right now .

No I repeat again I’m not worried about my children’s safety fgs it’s almost insulting that this is being repeated in such a way. He is their father, I’ve booked the flights I know when they are all returning . They are going to stay with his parents that is all . I haven’t stated the country simply for privacy but it is in Europe