That I’m not DH “true love”

[Jensajenning]

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

I think for me it's his lack of compassion and kindness that would be what would ultimately make me not want to be with him. If those are his true feelings he should have taken them to the grave. He must have known that he would hurt you enormously by saying that to you?

That you pushed him to get him to say it is not really relevant. He made his decision to be with you and once he did that he should never ever have revealed his deep down feelings. It also sounds like he wouldnt care if you left him and possibly by telling you the truth he was testing the water to see how you would react to the idea of breaking up.

I think he’s been honest. Just be honest back. It’s a great start for a man who doesn’t really talk about his feelings, that he wants to open up to you.

Omg this is so horrible I’m almost crying for you. What a prick!!!!!!!! Also true love… bollocks. True love is the woman who raises your babies, is your companion, person who is there for you etc the other woman represents a fantasy relationship. There’s loads about fantasy relationships on psychology websites - and seriously if it was meant to be her why didn’t it work out?
HOWEVER. Does a man who has been so mean to the mother of his children really deserve her? That’s the question I would be asking.

You suspected, you asked and he told you a brutal truth.

Please don't settle for this - you deserve more. It sounds like your children are old enough to understand, but either way a marriage of duty and convenience is not a marriage of love. You can still part amicably and still love your children unconditionally and do right by them - but you deserve love too.

You need to take the time that he is away to put your life in order and make a move.

I have seen this from the other perspective. A friend of mine had a boyfriend at University who was a foreign student. He chased her. They were so loved up, University sweethearts. He adored her, caring, treated her like a princess.

After they graduated, his parents started pressuring him to move back home. He had better job prospects in his home country and they had a suitable girl in mind that they wanted him to marry.

All this my friend was aware of. He reassured her, went back to visit his family and never came back. No warning. She was devastated. It took her years to process. She dated others and fell in love again but no one matched him.

He e-mailed her years later saying he married his cousin and was about to have a little girl and was thinking of her. It took her right back, she was still single at the time.

Now she’s married to a wonderful guy and has a family. He might idealise her and think he made sacrifices and did the ‘dutiful’ thing by keeping his parents happy, but the girl he left behind didn’t think he was so dutiful.

I would agree that over the years the initial romantic love generally moves on to a more settled deep affection and companionship. However, to start off without that connection, in fact feeling that connection for someone else, pretty much gives no base for the deeper love to grow.

It was deeply unfair and arrogant of your DH to go into this marriage knowing he wasn't putting you first in his life. You deserve better and I wouldn't blame you at all for ending the marriage and finding someone who does put you at the centre of his world. Because you will you know.

I’ve known this too, FIL did it but couldn’t stay with the woman he was dutifully married too so got her pregnant and up and left her back to his true love… then he ruined her life too.

all could’ve been solved by him growing a backbone and saying no to his parents in the first place

No relationship is ever going to sustain as a unicorns and rainbows concept, I agree with others on this thread that he has built this over time into something it wasn’t because she was prepared to leave him. I don’t think you are to be pitied here at all, as a PP has said, there are lots of different types of love and actually as relationships evolve over time I think you might find there are a fair few people in relationships out of duty or financial commitment rather than being with their ‘one true love’ who they are ‘madly deeply and passionately in love with’.

You allude to the fact that you almost knew all of this from the beginning and I suspect that has subconsciously festered to the point that, with some pushing, it’s now all come out.

I think now is the time to think about what you want long term. At the end of the day I am doubtful that if he ran back to her and declared his undying love she’d drop everything for him so he’s undoubtedly hankering after a memory rather than a reality!

''I think now is the time to think about what you want long term. At the end of the day I am doubtful that if he ran back to her and declared his undying love she’d drop everything for him so he’s undoubtedly hankering after a memory rather than a reality!''

It's all so very sad and pointless isn't it? I think the OP, her DH and most posting here realise that he's not living in the 'real world' as far as expectations of there being anything remaining of the so called 'true love' relationship BUT that's not the real problem!!
DH, although admittedly caught up in the emotion and anger of the discussion, thought it appropriate to callously elevate the situation to such a level that, for both of them, would be incredibly difficult to come back from...😥
For him to say such emotive words (“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”) and create hypothetical and dramatic scenarios that his wife, partner and mother of his children could potentially be massively hurt and totally crushed by is unfortunately a potential game changer?!
Whether on not the Op knew how he felt all along is not the issue, it's the fact that he was prepared to actually say it out loud and throw it in her face, almost saying he didn't care one way or another if she stayed with him or not...some things are far better left alone!! 😱

I don’t think you are to be pitied here at all

Pity's a loaded word, but it's definitely not any Western woman's dream.

Ok, so I'm going to come at this from a different perspective.
I have been the other lady (one who got away) and also the one who didn't marry her true love. I had the opportunity to at one point but made a decision based on circumstances at the time, that by DH was the one I was going to marry. I know that sounds very cut throat but it's true.
Although I have very fond feelings for my ex, I wish him all the best with his wife. And he was definitely the one.
However.....my relationship with my husband isn't the best, but we've worked at it and continue to work at it. We have 2 DC, aged 4 and 1. I definitely have a "love" of some sort for my husband and I always come back to the fact that I CHOSE my husband.
Although I would never tell my husband any of this ever, is it a possibility that your husband CHOSE you??? And picked you over his ex? I know it's a very hurtful thing to experience.
I do also happen to know my ex saw me as the "one" and married another. He seems happy with her and I'm glad.
Maybe it's not so clear cut?
Could you have a further conversation about this and ask why they weren't together?
I'm sorry for your pain OP. 😔

Love takes a different shape each time.

It may not be wise to choose your true love.

You grow to love a woman to whom you owe a duty. She is your wife, the mother of your children. It may not be 'true' love, but it is the one the lasts.

Being reasonably happy is good enough.

I began to realise that the men I felt a connection with weren't very g

I began to realise that the men I felt a connection with weren't very good for me. We were too alike. We multiplied each others faults. I think my current husband is just perfect for me, even though there a big parts of me that he doesn't 'get'. I have hobbies and friends and work to meet 'people like me'. I think it's healthy.

I think the difference here is that you are obviously considering the feelings of the other people and accepting that you both made choices. Not saying 'I've accepted my lit in life' as if you woke up one morning yo find this other person in your bed dropped from the sky!

Ouch, OP. I would have done the same - pushed him until he admitted his feelings - but he's so stupid! He should never have admitted to loving someone else over you. Now he stands to lose you and his stable, comfortable domesticity. His marriage has been ruined because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. What an immature, selfish turd he is.

Well he’s with you for appearances, where do you go from here? You can stay with him as things are, stay with him and not be monogamous (potentially a more common set up that you might assume?), or leave. Personally I would leave but I don’t have the same thoughts and experiences as you. I think him entering the UK illegally is relevant as he’s essentially used you and your body to legitimise his right to reside. Has he even properly bonded with his children I wonder? To him, it’s always been a marriage of convenience.

I disagree
I dont think it is good enough to just be reasonably happy. I would truly hate to be in a marriage like this.
All marriages eb and flow and the ones that last will have problems along the way but to just end up being reasonable happy with your lot is quite depressing

Yeah but we don't know what our lives would otherwise be like. Having 'enough' makes you more fortunate than many others. Sometimes it takes great loss for us to realise what we took for granted. There will always be that biker kid we fell in love with during our unforgettable teen years. The dashing Italian from gap year. The whirlwind romance in London.

Eventually we hit our 30s and settle for Mr Normal. He has a regular 9-5 and a passable appearance. You have a conventional new build house in the suburbs. You have kids together. He may not be romantic or even loveable, but you grow to love him. You find comfort in the family you build together. You don't starve because he has a decent paycheck. He occasionally takes you out to dinner and reminds you why you married him. That is enough, it is stable.

Im in such a marriage.

And I'm not for one second criticising you for this. Im fortunate I guess that I didn't have to settle and have been married to my true love for 30 years

Then you are doubly lucky

Meh as women we are told this is what will happen and many women do want it but just as many won’t. I wouldn’t be willing to settle for that, I don’t see being married or having kids as important if it isn’t with a likeminded person even if I never get to do it. In the past you’d be made fun off for being a spinster but now… I guess those of us happy to be single don’t care. It should be a privilege to pass on your DNA - I wouldn’t do that for any man unless we really loved each other.

It's an incredibly arrogant attitude to take. The idea he "did his duty" to you by being with you- like he is a prize that any woman should be happy he lowered himself to be with. What he means is he did his duty to HIMSELF to find someone to settle down with/meet his needs for children a wife. Of course there's nothing wrong with wanting a wife/kids etc and making it happen. But then he can't act as though he was somehow nobly martyring himself when everything he did was for his won happiness.

I think actually that, for whatever reason, he is rewriting his past feelings ("I was never truly happy") to match up with what he now thinks/wants. This happens all the time when men cheat (not saying he is but he might want to) and it is so cruel to their partners.

@Jensajenning, I’ve been thinking of you. Has your H shown any remorse or concern for your feelings since he left?