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Original poster

That I’m not DH “true love”

666 replies

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 20:00

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

OP posts:
Inertia · 04/08/2023 21:46

It’s really brutal, I’m sorry. As PPs have said, this is hard to get past- he’s been living a lie all these years. He’s told you that if the chips were down he’d abandon you (and the children) to go to be with her, giving no consideration to the 2 families that would be torn apart.

The way he’s spoken about doing his duty makes it sound like your marriage and family are some household chore, like putting the bins out.

I would use the time you have to think very carefully about what you want , going forward. Could you get by without child maintenance if you separated and he moved back to his home country?

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 04/08/2023 21:47

There was a thread a couple of days ago about keeping secrets from your other half.

I absolutely think couples should have secrets and this is one of them.

You asked and he told you the truth.
You would have preferred he lied but then I think that’s worse tbh.

There are many people who are with people who they don’t believe are their soul mates.
I’m often quite shocked at how many women on here will be very honest about settling for the safe option.

He does love you but he’s got a fantasy in his head about how this other woman is perfect for him.
I’m guessing she didn’t want to be with him which is why he likes her even more.

I don’t know what I would do in your situation.
I would probably do what many MNers do and stay for the benefits, like he is doing and start planning a life without him.
Then when you’re ready leave.

DaisyThistle · 04/08/2023 21:47

My main problem with this would be that he is deeply emotionally immature. Anyone who believes that immature and unfulfilled first love is greater than love that endures, that enables family and children to thrive, is a bit of a childish tosser. He can't see the difference between unfulfilled lust and deep love.

I'd be concerned that he might get all macho and take the kids back to hsi own country if you try to leave now. But I wouldn't want to stay with someone who is so dismissive of the most valuable kind of love.

May09Bump · 04/08/2023 21:48

I wouldn't stay with him, not with that relationship killer of a statement - I wouldn't let him take my kids out of the country in case he decided to stay in his home country, now he has told you the truth either.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 04/08/2023 21:48

I’m so sorry this has happened to you by the way. You must be devastated and this is a huge shock for you. Use the time apart to think on your future and if necessary get your ducks in a row.

The good thing here is he has businesses so I don’t think he’s thinking of not bringing his DC back to England, which is one good thing.

GertrudeJekyllRose · 04/08/2023 21:49

Somethings are better left unsaid. I really couldn't come back from that being said to me.

StartSWagaintomorrow · 04/08/2023 21:49

This is one of the saddest things I have read in a long time. Have you ever felt truly loved and seen by this man who is your husband?

Highdaysandholidays1 · 04/08/2023 21:51

I think what I'm struggling here is how callous and unappreciative of you right now he is. It is one thing to make a life together, accepting perhaps that most people have that 'one that got away' (I don't but I get it's a thing) but if love grows, you build a family, you build a life together, then love deepens and you appreciate what you have in the now, even if it isn't quite the passion of an old unrequited (or not) love.

That isn't what he's saying at all. He's saying he's done his duty and if he were on his death-bed he'd abandon you. I'd take that very seriously, because as you age, either one of you can get sick, or chronically ill, or struggle mentally, or one of the kids has issues, and you need that layer of love as well as duty to see you through.

Personally, and this is just me, I would rather not have a relationship than be someone's kind of 'ok for right now'. In fact, that's what I actively choose, I'm single and not dating, after being widowed. Having been loved wholeheartedly, I don't want to settle, and there's not motivation to do so (which there often is when you haven't had children).

I suspect he does appreciate you more than he has said and that what he said was angry and resigned, perhaps he didn't even know it til he said it out loud. I would not immediately quit the marriage, but I would be thinking very hard about what you want, what you can cope with, and even if you spilt up you would be parenting with this man as the father of your children, so I think it is worth having other conversations with him before just assuming this is the final word. I would also open up in your own mind the possibility of separating, in case either he doesn't want to carry on or you don't, after some time to process it all.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 21:51

For the poster that asked , they fly back on the 2nd so I have a few weeks . Do I want to leave ? No I do love him , but I’m unsure if I can stay , because I feel as if I’m living in another woman’s shoes. I don’t know how else to explain it . To know he probably wishes he every experience he had with me he wanted with her .

I don’t want to be someone’s companion, I want to be the love of his life . You can get companionship from a dog or a cat .
Have I been here just to keep the house going ?
The kids looked after ?
To give him standing ?
Is he like a poster said too cowardly to leave because of what people might say ?

Yes I did think at the start he came at the right time as I wants a family , but I didn’t chose him for that sole purpose . I did fall in love with him .

OP posts:
UWOT1 · 04/08/2023 21:52

You have given him 15 years of your life. You have build a home, a family, a life with him but he's still romanticises over someone else. I'm sorry. It might be matter of fact for him. I think it's brutal. You've given him 15 years and if he could he'd spend his last moments with someone else. I would prefer to be alone forever than be the person someone settled for. Fuck that.

GoingGoingUp · 04/08/2023 21:53

Did you get married before or after you had DD? I’m wondering whether he felt a duty to stay after you got pregnant.

queenMab99 · 04/08/2023 21:54

He is deluded, how can she have been his true love, if he left her in his home country, as a pp said he has just romanticised the idea of her. You are right, true love is a love that lasts through adversity, it is love that takes work, loyalty and devotion to a family. It is not that all consuming lust, that burns out as time passes. My second husband had had a relationship before me, that broke his heart when she cheated on him, and I was always a bit jealous about it. However I came to realise that our relationship worked better, as we supported each other and were both loyal.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 21:56

@May09Bump I can’t help but find this insinuation insulting - but no for the last time he would never ever abandon his children in a country he left because he wanted more for himself . Why would he resign them to a future he didn’t want for himself ? Not even to punish me would that happen . And the children believe me are fully able to come back early if they wanted too , they won’t .
His parents and sisters and family etc dote on them . I love that they know both sides of their history and where they come from and are bilingual.

OP posts:
Clafoutie · 04/08/2023 21:56

Highdaysandholidays1 · 04/08/2023 21:51

I think what I'm struggling here is how callous and unappreciative of you right now he is. It is one thing to make a life together, accepting perhaps that most people have that 'one that got away' (I don't but I get it's a thing) but if love grows, you build a family, you build a life together, then love deepens and you appreciate what you have in the now, even if it isn't quite the passion of an old unrequited (or not) love.

That isn't what he's saying at all. He's saying he's done his duty and if he were on his death-bed he'd abandon you. I'd take that very seriously, because as you age, either one of you can get sick, or chronically ill, or struggle mentally, or one of the kids has issues, and you need that layer of love as well as duty to see you through.

Personally, and this is just me, I would rather not have a relationship than be someone's kind of 'ok for right now'. In fact, that's what I actively choose, I'm single and not dating, after being widowed. Having been loved wholeheartedly, I don't want to settle, and there's not motivation to do so (which there often is when you haven't had children).

I suspect he does appreciate you more than he has said and that what he said was angry and resigned, perhaps he didn't even know it til he said it out loud. I would not immediately quit the marriage, but I would be thinking very hard about what you want, what you can cope with, and even if you spilt up you would be parenting with this man as the father of your children, so I think it is worth having other conversations with him before just assuming this is the final word. I would also open up in your own mind the possibility of separating, in case either he doesn't want to carry on or you don't, after some time to process it all.

This is a good post.

Smineusername · 04/08/2023 21:58

What a stupid man he is.

I haven't read the full thread so apologies if anyone else has pointed this out, but I also think the problem here is that he's a misogynist. He can't resolve the madonna/whore complex. One type of woman is for sexual desire, but that woman necessarily cannot be the mother of his children, who must be viewed as saintly and above carnality. You can respect the mother of your children but it would be wrong to desire her. It has fuck all to do with you and everything to do with his upbringing, culture and unexamined prejudices. What is his relationship like with his mother?

He is actually so profoundly fucking stupid I would be unwilling to end the marriage over it as this would simply reinforce his bullshit. I would want to force him to confront his bullshit. Tell him to go to her - release him. Most likely he won't because he knows it's not fucking actually true what he's saying, it's a fairytale. And if he did most likely she wouldn't be interested (they broke up and stayed broken up for a reason right?!) i would also consider sharing some of my own wild oats stories just so he knows you also are someone with a sexuality who is capable of desire. He is so full of shit I'm sorry you're having to deal with such a fucking moron.

Doggymummar · 04/08/2023 21:58

I m not sure how people are so worked up about this. Most of us have the one that got away don't we? I know I do. I was married for 20 years and would have left at the drop of a hat if he had become available.

I'm with someone else now and I don't think of the one that got away anymore. I thought we settled at a certain age for the stability and companionship of someone else.

SandSunWaves · 04/08/2023 21:58

I'd smile sweetly and be the perfect wife until the kids are back in the country. I'd then leave him. That's awful. It's awful that he thinks that, that's a reason to leave and never look back but there was no reason ever to say that other than cruelty. He doesn't care. You deserve better and should get out as soon as you can. Get the kids back in this country before you act in anyway on this though.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 21:59

@queenMab99 but you see I’m sat here thinking what if he has never loved me in the actual true sense of love . What if it’s never been there in any way - as he said you can’t have it all and the way he said it with so much acceptance and conviction- I can’t explain it .

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 04/08/2023 21:59

He's looking back with rose tinted glasses, they aren't 'one true love' and didn't love each other like he remembers because if they did then they would be together. If he did then he wouldn't have went to the UK without her, he would gave stayed. Same for her. You would make it work.
I would have pushed too, and have in the past but in a very new relationship so finished it there and then
“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”
If my husband said this to me I don't think I could continue. I could probably continue with being told I wasn't the great love if their life but not that when it came to the end they would go to her. I think I would have told him to p*ss off now then and see if she wants him. I guarantee he wouldn't because deep down he knows it wasn't the love he's imagined it to be

Greenwitchhorse · 04/08/2023 21:59

I would say the relationship is now over as there is no coming back from this.

Your husband has basically told you you are second best to a real, lost love and he chose you for convenience to have a family and basic companionship.

You deserve better.

fantasmasgoria1 · 04/08/2023 22:00

My ex and I broke up for a few reasons largely as he is an alcoholic etc but I was his second best. He would not admit it but it was clear to see. The amount of stuff he had kept from their relationship was more than I have seen other people keep. She passed away before we met but it was very clear from the things he said, the way he looked when he talked about her etc. Honestly if I were you I would end it. It's really hard to know you are not their true love.

SandSunWaves · 04/08/2023 22:00

Doggymummar · 04/08/2023 21:58

I m not sure how people are so worked up about this. Most of us have the one that got away don't we? I know I do. I was married for 20 years and would have left at the drop of a hat if he had become available.

I'm with someone else now and I don't think of the one that got away anymore. I thought we settled at a certain age for the stability and companionship of someone else.

Yes, but most people a) don't make it really clear to their partner because it's just hurtful and b) certainly don't say they would rather spend their last days with that person than their spouse.

That might be why people are a bit worked up about it......

Marwoodsbigbreak · 04/08/2023 22:01

I don’t think this would be half as hurtful if she was just “the one that got away” and he was romanticising what she would be like now and how their relationship would be.

This is a woman who he sees every year, who has a place within the life of his family.

LuluBlakey1 · 04/08/2023 22:01

What is your marriage like? Do you get on? Laugh together? Does he support you emotionally? Does he show interest in you, how you are feeling, what you are doing? Do you share things- interests, things you both like doing together? Is he kind/caring/does he 'cherish' you (one of his vows but hard to do with someone you don't live? Do you actually have a sexual relationship very often or are you a live-in housekeeper/nanny?

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 22:01

@Highdaysandholidays1 thank you for your thoughtful reply , yes I think it is a case of can I accept being in this position because I know him - if he said it - he meant it . He genuinely must believe that I can’t complain because he is right in a way he has done everything he’s said .

OP posts: