That I’m not DH “true love”

[Jensajenning]

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

"He came to England , he married , he had kids , he’s secure he can provide for his wider family , he helped his brother come here - a tick on his to do list ."

Yeah, unfortunately, it kinda sounds like he used you.

How incredibly selfish.
Do you not understand that OP wants to be loved in the same way that she loves her husband? It isn’t just about what he wants

I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want

This is so cruel and also self-righteous and even resentful of you.

God OP, I couldn’t look at him again after that.

You’ll be ok, but take care of yourself over the next few weeks. You said you’re embarrassed to tell family and friends but maybe you can get some support and a sounding board from those that know you and love you.

Badly worded above. I mean he sounds almost resentful of you.

Very sad. This is why I’d be hesitant to marry anyone who wasn’t able to get British citizenship themselves ie. They needed marriage to stay in this country as opposed to the one who could get it via their employers…doctors etc

My former colleague did that as her boyfriends student visa was running out and she was only 22 at the time, 7 years later once her husband had got his own British citizenship he left her for a true love he met at his work. Yikes.

I’ve just reread your OP. I think if he’d maybe said yes she was my true love blah di blah then I’d be upset and angry there.

But for me the real kicker is him saying if he was dying etc he’d go back to be with her. Maybe he was angry after being pushed so far by you but he really really didn’t have to say that. No way.

I would look at it pragmatically but also take it as an opportunity. He might have a different future in mind that doesn’t include you. Right now you are in a comfortable position raising your family but he doesn’t see you as the love of his life, he sees you as a necessity to how his current life works.

To me that sounds like in the back of his mind he’s romanticised his ex where she’s still involved in his life and he’s maintaining contact holding out the hope that one day they’ll get back together. He’s literally told you he wishes they were together but she wasn’t willing to move overseas when he was. He could be hoping for the opportunity to put that into play once the kids are older and move out.

So I’d be planning out a separate plan B future for myself. You can have a comfortable family life with him now but make sure you have independent plans and goals if it all goes pear shaped. Keep some money aside in a separate account. Think about what you’d like to do when you retire; hobbies, travel, move to a different location, volunteer work. Set goals and make plans that don’t require him to be involved to make them happen.

@TumbleweedRolling

Did you see that he said to OP:

"If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

If he was told he was living his final days, he would in an ideal world choose to immediately leave OP and spend those final days with the woman from his past. That she's 'what I want' not OP.

That isn't 'just' a sex thing. Surely you can see how incredibly hurtful that would be to hear? And how incredibly cruel a thing it is to say to your partner?

The way he’s said that it’s like he’s knows she’d welcome him.

I wouldn’t be letting my DC go abroad with him OP.

This must be heartbreaking.

Why? Is spending time with your children conditional on the other parent being your one true love?

That’s something I’d never do either and nor have friends of mine. Not just British citizenship, I’d like to think I wouldn’t travel to eg France, and simply marry a man for a French passport.

Thats really hurtful @Jensajenning .
Particularly as you take accountability for ALL it. Its clearly come as shock\revelation to you.Youve said-for you it love,youve accepted what sounds almost like nonchalence as not expressive emotionally. A chance conversation has given you more insight in 2 mins than youve had for your full marriage.
You continue to-assume responsibility...refer to "you pushed" further info. No wonder.How\why could you have just left it there-thats pretty bombshell info.
You are relentless almost in portraying it as your fault for asking.
I dont think thats how it works. Or hes being particularly nice. Or respectful.At all.
Am guessing he'd have known-if not rapidly realised that you were oblivious to his marriage of convienience.Its actually pretty arrogant arseholery ..abusive to mislead you for as long then have the audacity to get any sort of angry at your reaction.
Id suggest,stay amicable for the night -let the kids go have happy hol. spend time n focus on the younger one thats with you but realistically you have to take on board all that was said.
nobody can tell you what to feel,think,do. looking in on the miniscule snapshot from what youve posted -Hes really treated you absolutely horribly (last night)and left wide open to damaging your relationship entirely with dismisive attitude.actual huffin. take a bit of time to think it through. you dont have to be anyones second choice. ever

She doesn't have any fears that he's going to make their kids stay in his home country.

No suggestion at all that’s why he married OP…

God OP what a load of old rubbish, if she was his one true love then they would have been together regardless of circumstance.
He's built this rught up to Romeo and Juliet in his head only - I'll bet she never even thinks about him.

This.

He made it sound like OP stole something from him and he resents her for it, rather than love and appreciate her for the years of happiness, companionship and partnership in a shared future creating a beautiful family and life.

Yes, OP pushed him. But a kind person would have softened the blow by saying something along the above lines. He did not reassure her in the least. When pushed, he stuck the knife in in cold blood.

That’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.

@Thebirdhouse I don’t know if she didn’t want him enough or not . From what his brothers wife told me who is here she’s an only child and she couldn’t leave her parents to come to the uncertainty of the UK .

I met DH when he’d been over here about a year , have I considered like some posters have said that he married me for a passport- I’m not dumb of course when we first met I did . That was lost and forgotten along the way of building our family.

As I know from people who have , once they have the passport the men tend to leave . Maybe we had DD at the right time, maybe he stayed for her and then our DSs … maybe he stayed because im comfortable, I don’t rock the boat, I’ve stayed home and raised the children and allowed him the space to put his all in to his businesses…

I don’t know the answer and that’s all I can think about …

I feel like hugging you . I think you deserve better , you deserve to be someone’s true love , you deserve to feel unique in that sense , to be the one someone felt so much love for .
I know you have children and a life together but you need to consider if you want to spend the rest of your life feeling rejected . You deserve so much more

OP, think back to your first love. The man (or boy - often happens to us in our teenage years) who you first fell in love with and who wanted you too. Remember how obsessed you got! How much of your day was spent thinking about him.
I think for many people, if you’re lucky enough to experience love and sex for the first time with someone who loves and cares about you too, the first person you really experience love, good sex and romance with remains special, even if the relationship doesn’t last. If the relationship ends truly badly, then it’s easier to have your image of that person negatively altered forever. But when the relationship ends because of outside reasons - basically because you don’t want the same things in life, then your image of your first love doesn’t get corrupted and they remain linked in your mind to that intoxicating feeling of discovering romantic love and mutually enjoyable sex.
I wouldn’t tell my husband, but I have never loved him the way I loved by first boyfriend. I don’t think I will ever love someone that way again. And that’s ok. I haven’t let it get in the way of building a wonderful life for myself. And I do love my husband, but not with the same all-encompassing passion that I had for my first boyfriend.
In my case, we wanted such different things that it’s completely obvious to me years later that we were never going to end up together long term and actually he wasn’t quite as obsessed with me as I was with him.
In your husband’s case it’s made harder by the fact she’s still on the periphery of his life.
His comment about spending his last days with her was very stupid - because it’s likely she would be horrified if he did that. She has her own husband and child and wouldn’t be able to just say Fuck it, let’s pretend the last 20/30 years never happened and damn the consequences. And she may not have ever been as into him and he was into her.
If this information is marriage-ending for either of you then that’s understandable. But I don’t think it has to be if actually you both like each other and your life and want it to continue. I think couples’ counseling would help if that’s something you would both engage with. And I think the counselor, after picking through the reality of different kinds of love and memories and looking at why you feel hurt, would ask you to think about the future. The thing that will get your relationship past this (if both of you want that) is a mutually constructed dream of your future together. What happens when the kids are grown up and independent? Where would you like to retire? In the UK, in his country? UK but with a holiday home in his country? You need a vision of the next 30 years that doesn’t involve your husband running back to his (imaginary perfect version of his) highschool sweetheart when he one day finds out he’s dying.

It’s not nice to say, but it’s similar to how I feel about my own DH - he’s my family, a father and I am committed to him and our life together but it’s never been fireworks, or butterflies or obsession for me. I have had that before, but ultimately your husband is right, you’ll don’t get it all. However, I would never tell DH this. That is cruel and unnecessary, bound to cause insecurity and damage trust, and not ‘doing right by him/keeping my vows (union of two of us to exclusion of all others - for me that includes fantasies over exes (fantasies that by the way, are just that)). Take some time while he is away, I can see how this might be a dealbreaker.

A few people have mentioned him going home to where she is . I genuinely don’t think he is having an affair .

I know they are still in each others lives , she is close with his sisters , their parents are from the same very small town and probably grew up together just like he and her did .

I wish I could say no he never sees her or speaks to her so that she is a fantasy , and it would be awful in reality - I can’t .

However the way he said he’s kept his promises , his vows he’s done his duty - I know he hasn’t cheated - I think I’d have felt less like a chore to him if he had

You need to spend this time apart to consider what you want from a relationship.
You are young and probably have decades left together. When you are 90 will you look back and think "I could have spent the last 40 years with someone who thought I was "the one""