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Original poster

That I’m not DH “true love”

666 replies

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 20:00

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

OP posts:
3rdtimemumma · 04/08/2023 20:35

Ah this is such a hard read and must have felt devastating for you. But you know, I'm going to give an alternative perspective here. There are so many different types of love and it sounds like you usually do have many of these. Some people are fun and passionate at the start it's amazing, but long-term you're incompatible and it would never work. But strangely, if you have the other types, I'd refrain from being impulsive and throwing what you do and have had away. Things can be said 'in the moment' that either aren't true (perhaps your questioning annoyed him and he tried to hurt you)? I just think you should act calmly, and probably talk things through with a therapist. I bet you'll find out that you actually tick more boxes than some distant memory ever can. Sometimes relationships hit a bump. I'm not siding with him. What he said was truly terrible, but people are so quick to dismiss others' relationships from one event/post. Take time, let things settle, think things through and talk to each other.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 20:35

@wutheringkites I’m closer to 49 than I’d like to be , he’s 41 . DD is 14, DSs 12/10 …

OP posts:
Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 20:40

@gogomoto would you mind saying how you handled it ?

OP posts:
Nn9011 · 04/08/2023 20:41

Unfortunately you are not alone in this. It seems many men will simply get married to whoever they are with when they decide they want to be married rather than because they want to be married to that person.
You need to now decide if you can live knowing this. If it was me I'd be off to find someone who truly loves me.

I really recommend watching some of Mel Hamlett's videos or reading some of her news articles she's written. She's great for dealing with things like this.
Here is a link to recent video she posted talking about marriage https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZGJgeuGNq/

TikTok - Make Your Day

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZGJgeuGNq

TumbleweedRolling · 04/08/2023 20:42

I’ll almit that I don’t know nor understand much about love stuff, so I’m sorry if I come off badly.
But I’m not sure what any of this mean / what he’s done wrong / what’s the difference?
I mean he did all the big stuff with you: married you, bought a house with you, kids with you.
Isin’t that the big stuff?
You said fireworks, does that mean sex?

RhosynBach · 04/08/2023 20:42

It would upset me hugely. Also the way he seems to think he’s been so honourable and done you such a massive favour because he’s ‘done his duty’ so you can’t complain?! It would be the end of the marriage for me, that’s brutal.

fireflyloo · 04/08/2023 20:42

Personally I don't believe in 'true love' as a universal thing. I think some people have it but I don't think it's as common as we think. People make choices based on lots of things. Not just lust but long term prospects. I also think people look back with rose tinted glasses. I know I have. I was so in love with someone in my early twenties but tbh he was an arse looking back. I'm so glad it didn't work out.

I don't know if I could come back from the comments he made though. He said too much but you pushed too hard.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 20:45

@3rdtimemumma thank you … I do love him . Ok maybe I can see the companionship more than the passionate but I always loved him . I just accepted that was the way he was , that he didn’t have a high sex drive which tbh I was happy with but now I can’t look past was it because it’s me - he settled .

I would find it easier if she was the one that got away , that it was through rose tinted glasses as has been mentioned but last night it didn’t feel that way . It was all too calm - it was so factual , said with such certainty.

As if I have my place and she has hers and that’s that

OP posts:
catsnhats11 · 04/08/2023 20:45

She's not his true love either, or they would have been together. She's his fantasy. Are things bad in your relationship at the moment for him to hark back to someone he once lusted after?

Over50usernamesNow · 04/08/2023 20:45

I could forget and move past a lot of things OP. But this? No sorry. I don't think I could continue this relationship. I think I'd have to leave.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 04/08/2023 20:47

I agree with PP, I just couldn’t get past this. So sorry.

SeatonCarew · 04/08/2023 20:47

A wicked, cruel and self obsessed man, I'm sorry OP. I think men can become like that in their 40s and 50s. I suppose the question is, do you want to hang around, put your foot down and see if he comes out the other side?

At least you have some space to have a think about that. It's hard, and I wish you luck. Just don't write off your whole relationship in your righteous anger, you are worth more than that. x

Thebirdhouse · 04/08/2023 20:47

OP you pushed and pushed. He didn't want to give you that answer.

My DH is not my true love. He is exactly what your DH said you were. He came along at the right time, he's the father of my children, he's my companion. There were never fireworks but I do love him in a different way.
I remember talking to my brother twenty years ago, I was 20 something myself then, and I asked if the woman he was about to marry was his 'true love' and he laughed and said he'd never have thought he'd marry someone like her but she was what he needed in his life - security, settled and someone who wanted to be a mother.
There are all different types of love. The passionate 'true love' is very easy to think about and talk about but if no doubt they'd p*iss you off in time, just like all partners do. Your DH saying he'd go and live with his 'one that got away' is nonsense. She didn't want him enough back then to move with him and he didn't want her enough back then to stay there with her. Its fantasy. You shouldn't have pushed.
Make up with him before he leaves.

diddl · 04/08/2023 20:47

If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her

That is bloody horrible.

If he feels like that he should never have married anyone else!

It sounds as if he idolises her & has put her on a pedestal.

He's obviously not her true love!

DrSbaitso · 04/08/2023 20:47

TumbleweedRolling · 04/08/2023 20:42

I’ll almit that I don’t know nor understand much about love stuff, so I’m sorry if I come off badly.
But I’m not sure what any of this mean / what he’s done wrong / what’s the difference?
I mean he did all the big stuff with you: married you, bought a house with you, kids with you.
Isin’t that the big stuff?
You said fireworks, does that mean sex?

He's telling his wife that he doesn't truly love her, he loves someone else, he feels unfulfilled in his life because he's pining for his ex and if he had the opportunity he'd go with the ex.

The ex, meanwhile, didn't love him enough to move countries to be his life partner, married someone else and has a kid. He is pining for a fantasy and imagining a whole alternative life along those lines, refusing to be swayed by the fact it couldn't happen because the ex didn't love him enough and didn't want that life. No matter, he thinks. Somehow, he's missing out on that life anyway. The one the ex chose not to take so was never going to be this grand passion anyway.

Fingeronthebutton · 04/08/2023 20:48

The only part of your post that jumped out to me was he is taking your 14yr old daughter to another country to learn the culture
Alarm bells would be ringing for me knowing that he didn’t love me.

BarleySugars · 04/08/2023 20:49

I couldn't live with that, it'd be over for me.

Rewis · 04/08/2023 20:50

At first I was thinking that hiw many of us really have one true love let alone end up with them. Long term relationships are so much more than just 'love'. It is companionship, safety and million other feelings.

But then came the how he'd spend his last moments with her. And the fact it is a specific person that he is in contact with and sees no issue with sharing this with you. That's messed up.

I wish I had some comforting words or advice. But I hope you're OK.

GoingGoingUp · 04/08/2023 20:51

A lot of us have the one who got away. The person where it didn’t work out for whatever reason and you do always hold a soft spot for them and wonder how they are and what could have been…but you would never tell your current partner about them.

It sounds like your relationship is very transactional for him, as though it’s an arrangement.

Nevermind31 · 04/08/2023 20:51

I would think long and hard over the next few months while he is away.
any risk of him not returning with the children?

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 04/08/2023 20:51

And he is travelling to where she is right now?
Marvelous..

Hawkins009 · 04/08/2023 20:51

I can understand your perspectives op, a close friend had the whirlwind of romance, marriage, date nights ect, then 2 dc, the whole package,

Fast forward around 14-15 years and basically the marriage is no real romance, her dh does not even get her flowers any more, they are just basically Co parenting, then theirs the affairs aspect.

From friends Intel it's a matter of time before its marriage imploding.

HugoDarracott · 04/08/2023 20:51

Sorry you are dealing with this op. Is there a cultural difference going on here?

I can see how devastating his words are but I also wonder how realistic his view of true love is. Like a previous poster it sounds like he's turned their relationship into some alternative version of Romeo and Juliet. When in reality she didn't care enough about him to leave her home country. He's focused on their not being together rather than the fact that if she'd really cared they could have been so can't have been that great could it.

GoingGoingUp · 04/08/2023 20:52

Fingeronthebutton · 04/08/2023 20:48

The only part of your post that jumped out to me was he is taking your 14yr old daughter to another country to learn the culture
Alarm bells would be ringing for me knowing that he didn’t love me.

He’s still her dad and there is no suggestion in the OP that he can’t be trusted with their children.

aloris · 04/08/2023 20:52

Wow, OP, I am so, so, very sorry. That was very cold of him, not only to marry you when he only saw you as second-place, and knew it, but to reveal all of that to you as if it's ever ok to speak like this to your wife. And to say he's "done his duty" towards you, as if feeding and housing someone, and having sex with them, without love, is enough for marriage. I don't think I could move past this. Just many hugs for you.