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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have a right to know if my ex has a girlfriend!

182 replies

Laughro · 04/08/2023 10:37

To preface, my ex is extremely awkward, and always has been. He still holds a huge grudge about me splitting up with him 6 years ago, and is very combative towards me. Despite me trying to have a civil relationship with him and co-parent DS (8) as best I can, he takes every opportunity to express his bitterness, be rude to me and generally make life difficult. I've moved on with a new DP, successful business and a new baby on the way, while he is still in the same position he was 6 years ago, which he constantly weaponises and expects sympathy for. He constantly brings up the past in conversations and things that happened years ago. This extends to him always attempting to avoid and do as little of his parental responsibilities as possible, including never having our DS overnight since we split up.

Due to his behaviour, he does not have a great relationship with DS. He only sees DS every other weekend and sporadically in the holidays, but never overnight at his own place. He doesn't have a suitable place to have DS because he has lived in house shares with random people since we split up. On his weekends, DS and him do the same routine, and often end up spending hours sat in his car as my ex does not want to spend the money on day trips and again, doesn't have a suitable home environment to take DS. He's also very strict with DS, and doesn't understand his struggles with ASD and ADHD (despite me explaining them) so he constantly tells him to 'make eye contact and look at him' and belittles him for not being able to listen and follow instructions well. All in all, DS doesn't like his dad, expresses this often and says every weekend that he doesn't want to see him.

Last night, ex-DP announced he would be having DS overnight from October as he would be moving out of his house share and in with a friend. I asked who this friend was, and he said it was a woman called 'Anna'. I know of Anna, he met her on Tinder and had previously told me about dating her. I asked if that meant Anna was his girlfriend, to which he went on a texting rant about how I have no right to know if it is romantic or not, and I have double standards as I have introduced DS to ex partners, and essentially he did what he always does which is bring up things from years ago. I told him that I don't care who he is dating, all I care about are things that impact on DS, and as DS has never met Anna before, actually it is pertinent information if ex-DP is moving in with his girlfriend that DS has never met or heard about and they are expecting to launch DS straight into overnight stays with them both. I told him it's inappropriate for DS to be staying overnight frequently with someone he has never met, doesn't know, has never heard about and yes it makes a difference whether they are romantically involved or not (only from the perspective of DS, who I know will be confused and uncomfortable in this situation). I do not feel comfortable with DS staying overnight, given these circumstances, and the attitude of my ex-DP.

This morning I've had a huge text message paragraph about how unreasonable I am, being incredibly rude to me, and again bringing up things from years ago. AIBU to think I have a right to know this sort of information, in these circumstances, and my ex-DP is just once again being an idiot?

OP posts:

MarySmit · 04/08/2023 10:42

I'm not sure why you won't allow overnight contact? Your child stays with you and your new partner.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 04/08/2023 10:43

You don't have a right to know. Of course in a decent co parenting situation you would know. But they are rare ime.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/08/2023 10:46

Just another excuse or you to stop him seeing his kid really, isn't it?

TomatoSandwiches · 04/08/2023 10:47

Why are you sending DS to see his dad when he refuses to acknowledge his additional needs, he sounds like a bully.
Does your DS even want to see him let alone overnight?

OneTwoThreeShake · 04/08/2023 10:47

You neither have a right to know his relationship status or a right to refuse overnight contact.

Gnomegnomegnome · 04/08/2023 10:47

I don’t understand how knowing whether they are just going to be sharing a house or are in a relationship together makes a difference?

I get that you want to know who will be there and that it will be odd for ds at first but surely their relationship status doesn’t make a difference?

You sound quite controlling and you do have double standards.

gamerchick · 04/08/2023 10:49

You let the bairn go on contact knowing he's sitting for hours in the car getting grief for not giving eye contact but won't allow overnights because there is a woman there?

BoohooWoohoo · 04/08/2023 10:49

You don't have a legal right to know or block contact for this reason.
Morally he obviously should be taking things slower and not forcing ds to suddenly live with Anna too but it doesn't extend to you having the right to know even if Anna ends up doing most of the parenting during that time. Unless Anna is on the sex offenders register, it will be seen as dad's right to choose who ds sees during his time and who looks after him. It's the same as him not having the right to veto a childminder you hired.

BoohooWoohoo · 04/08/2023 10:50

And yes, he is being hypocritical and has double standards but people like him can't see that because it suits them

Original poster

Laughro · 04/08/2023 10:51

To my mind, their relationship status makes a difference as DS has never heard of this person nor met this person before coupled with the fact he has never stayed with his dad overnight. This is not because I am controlling or want to refuse contact. It's because ex-DP has consistently lived in house shares with random people, he has never had a bed let alone a bedroom to offer DS. To suddenly start staying overnight will be jarring enough, without the fact that there will also be a random (to DS) woman being there who may be sharing his dad's bed, being romantic etc.

I doubt very much that DS will even want to stay overnight anyway, to be honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

Laughro · 04/08/2023 10:53

@gamerchick I can't do right for doing wrong. I constantly bring this up with ex-DP and try to manage their relationship, make the best and most of it. DS doesn't want to go most of the time, but if I were to refuse entirely or let DS have his way, I'd then be accused of trying to stop contact and stop him having a relationship with his dad.

OP posts:

BoneyEmmm · 04/08/2023 10:54

Course you want to know. But honestly, given the sad image of your ex haranguing your poor son sitting in a car, this new arrangement might well be an improvement.

Herewegoagain2023 · 04/08/2023 10:54

If it was the other way round and the OP said she was going to have a bloke stay over whom her son had never even been introduced to, there would be a pile on.

Original poster

Laughro · 04/08/2023 10:56

@Herewegoagain2023 I've seen that happen before on here, and I would never do that because it's totally inappropriate with a capital 'I'! I waited a year before I even introduced DP to DS, and it was months after that before we began sleepovers, and even longer after that until we moved in together.

OP posts:

readbooksdrinktea · 04/08/2023 10:57

MarySmit · 04/08/2023 10:42

I'm not sure why you won't allow overnight contact? Your child stays with you and your new partner.

Agree. What's the difference. And no, you don't have a right to know IMO.

Royalbloo · 04/08/2023 10:57

You don't need to "manage their relationship". I have a very similar situation where he has a new girlfriend and asked our child not to tell me. I congratulated him but asked him not to ask her to lie.

What he does when he has contact with your child is none of your business as long as he is safe. I don't ask what they're doing any more than he would ask me.

Paperclipped · 04/08/2023 10:58

I agree with @gamerchick. Your priorities are skewed -- you seem less concerned with your ex's belittling, hectoring and generally poor parenting of your child when he's with him than with the (considerably less likely to be damaging) impact of his relationship status.

Royalbloo · 04/08/2023 10:58

And just because you chose to wait, that doesn't mean he has to. You can't enforce that.

EnthENd · 04/08/2023 10:59

He's right.

You need to know who your ex is allowing to be around your DS, so you can check that they aren't a danger to DS. But you don't really need to know ex's relationship with that person beyond their living arrangements. It doesn't matter whether Anna is his friend, girlfriend, mother, whatever.

Royalbloo · 04/08/2023 10:59

It's their relationship and he's responsible for the relationship with his own son. If he messed it up, that's ok him. He will be able to choose who he spends time with one day.

Herewegoagain2023 · 04/08/2023 11:00

Thats why I agree with you that what he is doing is inappropriate. I don't have any advice as to how you can stop it though.
Though if he's being abusive to your son with forcing eye contact and refusing to take him anywhere and ignoring his SEN needs, then I would probably stop unsupervised contact altogether, tbh. My daughter's sperm donor was making inappropriate emotional comments to her as a newborn, (his words to her- "you don't love me do you?"), and that was that, I left the country to keep her safe from him. (He wasn't on the birth certificate and never bothered to follow anything up).

FlamingoFloss · 04/08/2023 11:02

gamerchick · 04/08/2023 10:49

You let the bairn go on contact knowing he's sitting for hours in the car getting grief for not giving eye contact but won't allow overnights because there is a woman there?

This

x2boys · 04/08/2023 11:03

So you are allowed to move on and allow your so to.have contact with your partner ,but your ex isn't allowed to do the same ?

Caprisunny · 04/08/2023 11:04

He sounds like a twat in regards to how he treats his own child.

As such I am completely confused about why your sticking point on this is wether Anna is his girlfriend or not.

If he is a genuinely as awful as you say and your son dislikes his own father, having him over night at all would be my concern.

Who Anna is and how many times DS has met her would be a minor point at a long list of massive concerns.

Which makes me think he either isn’t as evil as you make out and you feel you have a right to know, because you just think you do and it’s not about what’s best for your son.

How old is your son? Does he even want over nights?

Scottishskifun · 04/08/2023 11:04

I understand where your coming from but no you do not have the right to know.
You do however have the right to explain that your ex needs to work up to overnight stays and should be explaining to him who Anna is given he has never had him overnight.

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