I have a right to know if my ex has a girlfriend!

[Laughro]

To preface, my ex is extremely awkward, and always has been. He still holds a huge grudge about me splitting up with him 6 years ago, and is very combative towards me. Despite me trying to have a civil relationship with him and co-parent DS (8) as best I can, he takes every opportunity to express his bitterness, be rude to me and generally make life difficult. I've moved on with a new DP, successful business and a new baby on the way, while he is still in the same position he was 6 years ago, which he constantly weaponises and expects sympathy for. He constantly brings up the past in conversations and things that happened years ago. This extends to him always attempting to avoid and do as little of his parental responsibilities as possible, including never having our DS overnight since we split up.

Due to his behaviour, he does not have a great relationship with DS. He only sees DS every other weekend and sporadically in the holidays, but never overnight at his own place. He doesn't have a suitable place to have DS because he has lived in house shares with random people since we split up. On his weekends, DS and him do the same routine, and often end up spending hours sat in his car as my ex does not want to spend the money on day trips and again, doesn't have a suitable home environment to take DS. He's also very strict with DS, and doesn't understand his struggles with ASD and ADHD (despite me explaining them) so he constantly tells him to 'make eye contact and look at him' and belittles him for not being able to listen and follow instructions well. All in all, DS doesn't like his dad, expresses this often and says every weekend that he doesn't want to see him.

Last night, ex-DP announced he would be having DS overnight from October as he would be moving out of his house share and in with a friend. I asked who this friend was, and he said it was a woman called 'Anna'. I know of Anna, he met her on Tinder and had previously told me about dating her. I asked if that meant Anna was his girlfriend, to which he went on a texting rant about how I have no right to know if it is romantic or not, and I have double standards as I have introduced DS to ex partners, and essentially he did what he always does which is bring up things from years ago. I told him that I don't care who he is dating, all I care about are things that impact on DS, and as DS has never met Anna before, actually it is pertinent information if ex-DP is moving in with his girlfriend that DS has never met or heard about and they are expecting to launch DS straight into overnight stays with them both. I told him it's inappropriate for DS to be staying overnight frequently with someone he has never met, doesn't know, has never heard about and yes it makes a difference whether they are romantically involved or not (only from the perspective of DS, who I know will be confused and uncomfortable in this situation). I do not feel comfortable with DS staying overnight, given these circumstances, and the attitude of my ex-DP.

This morning I've had a huge text message paragraph about how unreasonable I am, being incredibly rude to me, and again bringing up things from years ago. AIBU to think I have a right to know this sort of information, in these circumstances, and my ex-DP is just once again being an idiot?

I think there was a problem of how you said it.

Try the approach of

It's great you are moving into a new place where DS will have a room to stay over. I will do some work with DS to get him used to the idea. I think it would really help if he can visit a few times before staying over, choose a new duvet cover etc.

If Anna is your new partner I can do some social stores around that with him. Would be good for them to meet a few times and get to know each other before going to her house.

No criticism, no judgement.

Your ex is a crap Dad but criticising him and coming across as judgemental and confrontational isn't going to help.

It's not your right to know if it's his girlfriend or just a friend it is your obligation to know if its a safe environment for your child being a parent doesn't automatically make you safe especially if he has form for being shit questions you need answered realistically are

Will he have his own room? this will automatically answer the house share question

IF its his girlfriend can he introduce ds to him before expecting him to interact with her (due to his additional needs this is not Unreasonable) your not asking if its his girlfriend as such just asking him to be a responsible parent

he will still kick off ignore that part repeat reasonable question

I voted not unreasonable as I can understand your concerns. The current situation with your ex sounds very difficult for your son and his future plans are not satisfactory either. It would actually help if he could be reasonable and talk to you and your DS about it in a way that shows concern for your son's needs, but that seems unlikely given what you say. At 8 he is too young to 'vote with his feet'. I am not sure what you can do however, unless you get evidence of neglect or abuse. But you have my sympathies. MN can be very callous.

At 8 years old, it really doesnt matter what the child wants or doesnt want. The father has a right to contact and no court will stop that, unless there is proven abuse.

@Laughro I dont understand why your child cant stay in your exs room?
For years and year, when my parents separated and my dad moved back in with his mother, we spent EOW, and shared a bed with my dad and grandmother, because there was no other accomodation.

Why has this not been an option???

He sounds a bit of dickhead to be sure, but you really don't have a right to know the status and nature of any relationships he has with others.

I'm more puzzled why you let DS spend time with him sat in a car for hours on end and is obviously deeply unhappy. Why have you not pulled the plug on this if it's how he is spending his time with him? I know you said you would be accused of trying to stop contact with DS and Dad, but surely the happiness and welfare of DS is way more important to you than any grief that your ex might give you over it?

You don’t have a right to know if he’s in a relationship, no.

Don’t respond to anything except contact arrangements. He’s obviously very bitter. Spending hours in his car is awful, maybe him moving in with Anna will be great for your ds.

What kind of shitty parent would allow their child into a house full of random people and allow them to sleep on the sofa? OP is right not to allow this, I certainly wouldn't. The fact that you think this is OK is really worrying. Actually, I don't believe you'd allow this either, you just want to stick the boot into OP for some reason.

I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing!

The fact that he is abusing your DC and won’t acknowledge his additional needs would be more of a concern than a girlfriend.

My daughter lives in a house share a single bed/ chest of drawers with a tiny gap you can't fit a cat bed into let alone a blow up mattress its not suitable for sharing

Clearly reading comprehension is hard for you, because how you came to that conclusion, having read the same post is just mind boggling.

Where does it say OP stopped him from seeing his son more often in order to develop a relationship?

How can OP stop overnights when they haven't even started?

Where does it say OP's ex has made Herculean efforts to be the best dad he can? Because spending hours in your car because you're too tight to fork to entertain your child really isn't it.

Serious question, are you the OP's ex or some twat of a man who's projecting because his ex dumped him?

He might even behave better in front of Anna as he’ll be showing of what a great dad he is.

This - do you have a spare duvet at yours that you could give him. You might find ‘Anna’ makes him step up and be a proper father as he will be trying to impress her?? Don’t be anything but lovely to her as he will drop poison in her ears - so prove him wrong. Be flexible, be kind, step mums have a hard job. Just in my view my ex husband tried to paint his ex wife as mad and crazy and quite frankly she appeared it - refused to speak to me despite the fact it was me looking after them. She would drive past and look and see my car was there and drop them off without knocking the door etc on days my husband wasn’t supposed to have them. Later it transpired he was playing her - eg she’d ask him and he’d say yes and not communicate with me leaving me thinking she was vile etc most men do not want their old and new partners communicating as they have stuff to hide..,

pick your boundaries carefully - you don’t want to go through her for access but be kind and say ‘Hi Anna lovely to see you - how are you?’ At pick ups and drop offs. Show her…. But don’t smother her…

You know children have a right to see both parents ?
Its not up.to.the Op to let or not let her Ex see their son.

Gotta love the unpredictability of mumsnet. Went to very different direction than I expected.

Do you have a right to know if your ex has moved in with a woman who will potentialy bw your sons step-mother? No and yea. No on a sense that he legally doesn't have to but Yes in a sense that as adult humans that coparent should be capable of sharing major milestones that affect their kid. And yes, it is very different if dad has a roomate that says hello and then goes into their room and a partner that will be part of their life. And introducing a new partner should be gradual and not straight to deep end.

As for the house share and overnights. That will be decisive. Some will be totally fine with 4yo sleeping in livignroom and some won't. But raking into account he's preferred option is to sit kn the car, I'm not convinced overnights would have made a massive difference.

The unfortunate fact is that you can't make him do anything and he won't step up and be a decent co-parent and be open for conversation. Might be worth going through a third party.

Not every house share is like that! I lived in houseshares in London for 13 years and always had a double bed and, more often than not, had space for an air bed, which I had and used many times.

But even if there was no space for an air bed, sharing a double would be perfectly doable.

Sure, if the rooms have always been singles, in box rooms, you cant, and Im defintiely not saying the child should sleep on the sofa, but there is a range here!

You don’t have a right to know who Anna is, to meet her or to know anything about her in all honestly.
If your ex wants overnight contact and has a house with space for your son, it’s up to him to decide who is safe to be around your son when he has contact with him.

With the way family courts are you’d be pretty hard pressed to find a judge who would refuse to allow overnight contact because dads partner is there, whether you agree or or not.

You say he doesn’t understand your child’s additional needs, is your son safe from harm with him or not? If the answer is ‘not’ then that’s a bigger issue than you not being told about his partner and you need to take steps to safeguard your son.
The fact you haven’t done this and you allow him regular contact makes me think that you know your son is safe with him, but he doesn’t parent the same way you do.

If your son is safe then you have to accept he has parental responsibility too and has as much right to make decisions as you do

Im saying this as a parent whose children have contact with their dad (one has additional needs) who is a lazy parent (in my opinion) he doesn’t take them on days out, lets them meet his new girlfriends and lives in a shitty flat. But at the end of the day is safe with them, can keep them safe loves them and is their dad.

Im responsible for the safety of my children and the way they are patented when they are with me.
While they might be bored at his house I know they are safe and I have to accept I’m not responsible for how my ex chooses to live his life or parent our children when he has them children unless he is upsetting or harming them in any way which he isn’t.

You are coming across as someone trying to control the way your ex parents and you don’t really have a right to do that so long as your child is safe. He’s nothing to do with you anymore, how his chooses to live his life has nothing to do with you anymore.

You might think you have a right ‘because it affects your son’ but unless your son is coming to harm you have to accept you both have parental responsibility.

You don’t have a right to know, you don’t have a right to refuse contact/overnight stays. It sounds as if for whatever reason you are way too invested in your ex and his life and choices - stand back, let your son navigate his relationship with his father and limit contact to handover plans and emergencies, everyone will be happier. As an aside it’s likely your ex will be in a much better state to parent effectively with a new partner who gives him stability and validation. But that’s really not your concern. You are responsible for your son when he’s with you - and bar any serious safeguarding concerns (which should be addressed through the courts) your ex is responsible when they are together.

You don’t have any right to know about his relationship, not have input on what he does when he’s with your son.

However, I can understand your feelings because in six years he hasn’t had him overnight, won’t spend money on doing anything so they just sit in his car, he’s unkind to your son and speaks to him like shit and he gives you nothing but grief.

Maybe Anna will make him step up as a parent a bit more, you never know.

If the OP was single it would definitely be none of her business, problem is there’s a small child involved who will be spending nights with this “new adult in the picture” , a child who will inevitably ask questions to her mom. Something as easy as “Anna is my new live in girlfriend” would just solve the problem but his fragile ego is more concerned about one upping her rather than make this child’s life easier. Children have been used as weapons amongst ex partners for centuries so what’s new? they usually end up paying for all of mums and dads unresolved issues. Very sad but that’s life.

Poor kid sat in a car for hours is awful.

Your ex is offering a much better option for his time with your child. You should be glad and not annoyed. You already know of this woman, he's been dating her a short while and it's up to him if he wants to introduce, and it's not till October. I dont get the issue here. You come across as nothing but controlling with your reaction.

This is a time you should be celebrating. A new partner and place to stay will mean he will likely be less stressed and happier in general and will likely be a better calmer person towards you.

Your ONLY concern should be how he treats your son and if your son is happy. Don't let your ex bully your son and equally don't be so controlling

You're still of a mindset that you have this kind of say over your ex, which does indeed make you controlling. You have to learn to let him be who he is, even if it goes against what you want for your child.

Sounds like your ex is making a positive step by moving to a much more suitable place for having your son to visit. I'd imagine most kids would hate having to sit in a car all day; no wonder your son's not been enjoying seeing his dad.
If I were in your shoes I'd be pleased to hear that the lad will now have a much better place to spend contact time with his dad.

With regards to Anna, it really isn't any of your business if she is your ex's girlfriend, just a friend, or simply a live-in landlord. So long as she isn't a nefarious character (e.g. sex offender, drug dealer, violent otherwise dodgy) then why be concerned about her? I find this especially puzzling seeing as you mention that you've not only got a new partner but have also introduced your son to previous partners.

You also have zero rights whatsoever to deny your ex contact time with his son. Even if your ex doesn't want to spend money and/or is flaky about contact then he still has a right to see his son and spend time with him in whichever way he sees fit.

Children are incredibly perceptive and it sounds like your negativity towards your ex has rubbed off on your son. This is NOT a good thing; if his dad really is as deadbeat as your make out then let him see it for himself. Until then, encourage and support him to have a good relationship with his father.

You go to court and say ds shouldn’t have much contact with his dad
it’s emotionally bad for him as his father berates him, and all they do is sit in a car l
and you see what court does
thats the right course of action, that you should have taken ages ago.

you had no issue and seemingly did nothing about how DS was being treated before, but now there’s a gf you have an issue. The gf or no gf is absolutely not even remotely the issue. Why do you care. If anything this is better for ds.

and you are 100% too enmeshed in each others lives anyway, there’s no reason for you to know about exs tinder activities or anything else.

I'm astonished by some of the replies here. Of course you're not being unreasonable, OP. If Anna is your ex's partner, she's going to be in your child's life quite a bit - actually if your ex is this much of a deadbeat she might take a more active role than he does himself. You do need to know so that you can do the groundwork to normalise it with your son, because his dad isn't going to is he? He has made zero effort to accommodate this little boy in any way.

It's nothing to do with preventing your ex from moving on, just as you have, and everything to do with handling that change in a positive way! Your son has never stayed overnight at his dad's house and he's never met Anna. Those are quite big changes that any child would need a little bit of preparation for, but it's particularly important since your son is ND. You are his safe place and his constant: it's going to be up to you to help him navigate this change, so yes you need to know.

I really hope that if your ex does have a new partner, that this might be a positive change. Good luck.