I have a right to know if my ex has a girlfriend!

[Laughro]

To preface, my ex is extremely awkward, and always has been. He still holds a huge grudge about me splitting up with him 6 years ago, and is very combative towards me. Despite me trying to have a civil relationship with him and co-parent DS (8) as best I can, he takes every opportunity to express his bitterness, be rude to me and generally make life difficult. I've moved on with a new DP, successful business and a new baby on the way, while he is still in the same position he was 6 years ago, which he constantly weaponises and expects sympathy for. He constantly brings up the past in conversations and things that happened years ago. This extends to him always attempting to avoid and do as little of his parental responsibilities as possible, including never having our DS overnight since we split up.

Due to his behaviour, he does not have a great relationship with DS. He only sees DS every other weekend and sporadically in the holidays, but never overnight at his own place. He doesn't have a suitable place to have DS because he has lived in house shares with random people since we split up. On his weekends, DS and him do the same routine, and often end up spending hours sat in his car as my ex does not want to spend the money on day trips and again, doesn't have a suitable home environment to take DS. He's also very strict with DS, and doesn't understand his struggles with ASD and ADHD (despite me explaining them) so he constantly tells him to 'make eye contact and look at him' and belittles him for not being able to listen and follow instructions well. All in all, DS doesn't like his dad, expresses this often and says every weekend that he doesn't want to see him.

Last night, ex-DP announced he would be having DS overnight from October as he would be moving out of his house share and in with a friend. I asked who this friend was, and he said it was a woman called 'Anna'. I know of Anna, he met her on Tinder and had previously told me about dating her. I asked if that meant Anna was his girlfriend, to which he went on a texting rant about how I have no right to know if it is romantic or not, and I have double standards as I have introduced DS to ex partners, and essentially he did what he always does which is bring up things from years ago. I told him that I don't care who he is dating, all I care about are things that impact on DS, and as DS has never met Anna before, actually it is pertinent information if ex-DP is moving in with his girlfriend that DS has never met or heard about and they are expecting to launch DS straight into overnight stays with them both. I told him it's inappropriate for DS to be staying overnight frequently with someone he has never met, doesn't know, has never heard about and yes it makes a difference whether they are romantically involved or not (only from the perspective of DS, who I know will be confused and uncomfortable in this situation). I do not feel comfortable with DS staying overnight, given these circumstances, and the attitude of my ex-DP.

This morning I've had a huge text message paragraph about how unreasonable I am, being incredibly rude to me, and again bringing up things from years ago. AIBU to think I have a right to know this sort of information, in these circumstances, and my ex-DP is just once again being an idiot?

So you stopped him from seeing his father long enough to develop full understanding of his SEND because he was in houseshares.

He gets in a position to move in with somebody you knew about because he had told you about her. Suitable accommodation. Just him and one person, female, too, rather than random men.

You then want to stop overnights because

He hasn't had him before (because of you)
He isn't as familiar with the exact nature of DS's SEND (because of you)
It's a new place (well, duh)
There's somebody else there DS hasn't stayed with (well, duh, because of you)
She might be nice to your ex (well, duh)
Your DS isn't as attached to his father (because of you)
It's absolutely not the same as you importing a new bloke into your DS's home and introducing DS to your previous boyfriends before him.

Not surprised he didn't want to communicate further with you. Probably didn't want to give you something to fixate upon as another excuse to obstruct staying contact (as is DS's right). So you fixate on that, too. Whilst simultaneously bringing up shit that is irrelevant, like how they met. And then throw in, after years of deliberately obstructing staying contact and having a normal relationship with his father, that DS won't want to go anyhow because you've consistently fucked that up by putting obstacles in the way.

Sounds about right but some women think they own their kids .

I doubt very much that DS will even want to stay overnight anyway, to be honest
I think you've made sure of that 🤷‍♀️

I would want to know who my child was staying overnight with.
How many children have been abused and killed by the step parent, with yet another one in the news just this week.
Call me melodramatic if you wish but I stand by my opinion

You're melodramatic. When co-parenting it simply isn't possible to know exactly who your child comes into contact with or where they are at any given moment.

The irony is the Op.has moved her new partner in and introduced him to other boyfriends before that ,but that's ok apparently....

Having said that, if I had any serious and founded concerns I'd stop contact immediately and arrange supervised visits through a court.

"This extends to him always attempting to avoid and do as little of his parental responsibilities as possible, including never having our DS overnight since we split up."

What part is this screams 'she obstructed contact'??

If the court agree of course not just because the Op.says so.

And how does you meeting the step parent help prevent that?

It is melodramatic. Because the risk of a step parent harming of killing ops child will be higher in her own household. As there is a step father in her household. Step fathers are the biggest risk factor. Not step mothers.

Can you link where you got the information that risk is greatly increased if the mother hasn’t got to know the step mother?

Because she didn't allow him to.as she didn't feel.the accommodation wss appropriate.

as someone who tried and failed to coparent with an ex who sounds as crap as yours, I completely understand your concerns. Most won't, because they can't imagine the other parent being so difficult and have chosen to ignore all the parts you have outlined about him not living anywhere appropriate, not trying to understand your child's autism and ADHD etc
Of course you are worried that a complete shift in contact arrangements with a brand new girlfriend to boot will impact your son, I'm just not sure how much you will be able to influence things unless there are actual safeguarding risks.
Have you been through family court? (not RTFT)

She doesn't say that.

She says this, in fact:

and often end up spending hours sat in his car as my ex does not want to spend the money on day trips and again, doesn't have a suitable home environment to take DS.

The father himself, chooses not to spend any time with the child at his own place.

I’m sorry this is so hard op, and of course you want to know. But wanting to know and having a right to know and make the decision are very different things, as his father, he has the right to decide what’s appropriate on his time, whether you agree or not. If you feel he’s damaging then you can contact social services and take action, but if you don’t then you need to accept he has the right to decide as his father.

Your son is at much greater risk of harm from your partner than he is of his dads.

So you introduced your child to ex partners (in-between dad and your current partner) and then moved in with your new partner? Did you get your exes permission at any point?

Your ex has told you his living situation is changing from October. He will be living with a woman named Anna and able to have contact with his son over night. That is all you need to know. You have no right to know if he is in a romantic relationship with her. You also have no rights to stop overnight contact if your ex is able to do it.

It sounds like this is a better situation for your son than your exs current house share and hanging out in the car during visiting time. So why would you want to stop it?

That is not what is happening here though - this is about OP controlling her ex and contact with their DC.

OP has to trust that EX is doing the right thing with their dc, as he also has PR ( I would assume)

The issue the op should be concentrating on is the bullying of her dc

Your son doesn't like his Dad, he's told you this, so why are you forcing him to go ?

YABU

Most decent people who are trying to get on to make co-parenting easier would give their ex a heads up that they’re moving in with a new partner or the person they’re dating is starting to become serious, so if the child has questions you can answer them.
But obviously he’s not a decent co-parent and so I wouldn’t expect him to do this.

Although he doesn’t actually have to tell you anything, which is why I think YABU.

He’s told you he’s moving in with someone called Anna and tbh I do think it was good of him to tell you this.
Whether him and Anna have a sexual relationship is irrelevant though.

Your son does need to go to his new house a few times before sleeping over as it is going to be a big change for him but tbh it sounds like it will be a good thing for DS.

I'm categorically not controlling nor have I ever obstructed contact. I'm not sure if you actually read my post correctly @NeverDropYourMooncup . I've never stopped my DS from seeing his dad. I've offered, so many times, for him to have more contact with DS. As it stands, he only sees DS every other weekend and sporadically throughout the holidays. He has never even collected him from school. This is through his own choice, not my lack of willing or offering. I've invited him to attend meetings with his ADHD psychologist, his school, parents evenings, all of which he has declined.

I am not stopping overnights - he has never had him overnight to stay. This is because he has lived in house shares for the last 6 years, which have been full of random blokes / women (at least 4+ at a time), and DS hasn't had his own bed or bedroom. DP has suggested DS staying overnight but it has meant DS being on the communal sofa in the living room of a house share - is this something you would allow for your child? Really?

You literally just made all of this up and are telling outright lies. Which is very odd, since we can all actually see what the OP actually says, not just your fabricated version where you completely invent the narrative that she obstructs contact.

You've obviously got some weird chip on your shoulder. It's not OP's problem though, and she isn't your emotional punchbag to vent your own troubles at.

Nope, nothing to do with you. You can move on, but he can’t?

the main problem here is your ex sounds thick as a brick, not the sharpest too in the shed unfortunately, this extends to all aspects of his life. Of course you need to know the nature of the relationship with this woman just because your child is involved and will be asking you questions after. Is she a flatmate? A partner? Is she going to be a part of the family? If he had half a brain cell he would have a story to tell you as to ease your mind as a mother, but he seems to be weaponising your child because of his own unresolved issues with you. No wonder your kid doesn’t want to spend time with him.

YABU.
Ideally separated parents would communicate and introduce new partners gradually and only once they are serious relationships, but you can't demand that. It's not your right to know wether he has a girlfriend.
If anything it might improve things as some men like to display the perfect Disney dad routine in front of new partners.
At this stage the best thing for your DS is you helping him to adjust to the transition of spending overnights with dad.