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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a right to know if my ex has a girlfriend!

182 replies

Laughro · 04/08/2023 10:37

To preface, my ex is extremely awkward, and always has been. He still holds a huge grudge about me splitting up with him 6 years ago, and is very combative towards me. Despite me trying to have a civil relationship with him and co-parent DS (8) as best I can, he takes every opportunity to express his bitterness, be rude to me and generally make life difficult. I've moved on with a new DP, successful business and a new baby on the way, while he is still in the same position he was 6 years ago, which he constantly weaponises and expects sympathy for. He constantly brings up the past in conversations and things that happened years ago. This extends to him always attempting to avoid and do as little of his parental responsibilities as possible, including never having our DS overnight since we split up.

Due to his behaviour, he does not have a great relationship with DS. He only sees DS every other weekend and sporadically in the holidays, but never overnight at his own place. He doesn't have a suitable place to have DS because he has lived in house shares with random people since we split up. On his weekends, DS and him do the same routine, and often end up spending hours sat in his car as my ex does not want to spend the money on day trips and again, doesn't have a suitable home environment to take DS. He's also very strict with DS, and doesn't understand his struggles with ASD and ADHD (despite me explaining them) so he constantly tells him to 'make eye contact and look at him' and belittles him for not being able to listen and follow instructions well. All in all, DS doesn't like his dad, expresses this often and says every weekend that he doesn't want to see him.

Last night, ex-DP announced he would be having DS overnight from October as he would be moving out of his house share and in with a friend. I asked who this friend was, and he said it was a woman called 'Anna'. I know of Anna, he met her on Tinder and had previously told me about dating her. I asked if that meant Anna was his girlfriend, to which he went on a texting rant about how I have no right to know if it is romantic or not, and I have double standards as I have introduced DS to ex partners, and essentially he did what he always does which is bring up things from years ago. I told him that I don't care who he is dating, all I care about are things that impact on DS, and as DS has never met Anna before, actually it is pertinent information if ex-DP is moving in with his girlfriend that DS has never met or heard about and they are expecting to launch DS straight into overnight stays with them both. I told him it's inappropriate for DS to be staying overnight frequently with someone he has never met, doesn't know, has never heard about and yes it makes a difference whether they are romantically involved or not (only from the perspective of DS, who I know will be confused and uncomfortable in this situation). I do not feel comfortable with DS staying overnight, given these circumstances, and the attitude of my ex-DP.

This morning I've had a huge text message paragraph about how unreasonable I am, being incredibly rude to me, and again bringing up things from years ago. AIBU to think I have a right to know this sort of information, in these circumstances, and my ex-DP is just once again being an idiot?

OP posts:
User1800 · 04/08/2023 13:04

Not sure what the right answer is tbh but I really feel for you and your predicament, you love your son and have to, by law, share him with someone who you don’t think will be thoughtful enough around your son, stuff of nightmares really 😐

BalletBob · 04/08/2023 13:06

I think you need to take a step back and reassess the whole situation. It seems like you’re focusing on entirely the wrong things.

Based on what you’ve written here, I’d be stopping contact and going to court. Your son is being abused by his father and this doesn’t seem to massively factor in your concerns. Being punished for having ASD and being forced to make eye contact, or berated for not doing so etc is appalling and will be hugely damaging your child. Making him sit in the car for hours because he has no safe place to take him - this isn’t OK. There’s an awful lot wrong here and the new girlfriend is the very least of it. The reason people are making the assumption that there’s some desire on your part to control your ex’s love life is because you have looked past an awful lot of damaging behaviour but are now concerned when there’s another woman on the scene.

I do agree with others that your own lifestyle will also have had a significant impact on your son. He is so, so young but has had at least 3 of your boyfriends introduced into his life and now a baby on the way. He hasn’t so far experienced a truly stable home life with either of his parents. With the added challenges he faces due to his ASD, his childhood this far must have been extremely difficult for him. It doesn’t sound like anyone is really putting his needs front and centre, and really trying to view his life through his eyes.

Royalbloo · 04/08/2023 13:07

Personally, and you can do whatever you'd like to do, I'd forget about the whole thing and see how he behaves/ what your son's experience is and then judge the impact on him.

I've had to come to the realisation that I cannot control anything my ex does and he isn't reasonable enough to even speak to me properly but when he f**ks stuff up (which he does occasionally) I hold him to account for that and get his to address the pact of whatever he has done with my DD. It's difficult but the only way for me.

Moving12 · 04/08/2023 13:12

Laughro · 04/08/2023 12:42

@Moving12 When I said ex-partners, I meant one ex-partner and my current DP. Ex-partner was introduced 5 years ago, then current DP was introduced 2 years ago (not including the year we had been together before the introduction. So my ex is referring to two people, one of which is pretty historic and we never had overnights or lived together. He only brings this up to be combative with me.

I get that OP and I’m not saying you’re wrong but you need to look at this objectively.

In the space of 2 YEARS, you have introduced a new man into your son’s life, moved in together & had a new baby; not just got pregnant but actually given birth -all in 2 years. That’s lightning fast from your son’s perspective so you’re not really in a position to judge your ex on doing things fast.

It is completely irrelevant to your son if you knew your partner for a year before introducing him. The point is how quickly your son’s life has changed in the space of the last 2 years.

Like I said, there is so much wrong with your ex & how he treats your son that I can’t believe the speed of his relationship is what you’re focusing on.

Moving12 · 04/08/2023 13:13

Moving12 · 04/08/2023 13:12

I get that OP and I’m not saying you’re wrong but you need to look at this objectively.

In the space of 2 YEARS, you have introduced a new man into your son’s life, moved in together & had a new baby; not just got pregnant but actually given birth -all in 2 years. That’s lightning fast from your son’s perspective so you’re not really in a position to judge your ex on doing things fast.

It is completely irrelevant to your son if you knew your partner for a year before introducing him. The point is how quickly your son’s life has changed in the space of the last 2 years.

Like I said, there is so much wrong with your ex & how he treats your son that I can’t believe the speed of his relationship is what you’re focusing on.

Show quote history

Sorry I re-read that your new baby is on the way & has not arrived yet but my point still stands.

Rewis · 04/08/2023 13:14

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 04/08/2023 12:39

Some will be totally fine with 4yo sleeping in livignroom and some won't.

Oh come off it, no decent parent would be happy for their child to be sleeping on the sofa in the living room of a house shared with unrelated adults.

Well there are several pages of people claiming that op is stopping son from spending time with dad due to not allowing over nights. I feel like that's enough evidence to conclude that some would be ok with it 🤷🏼‍♀️

PoshPineapple · 04/08/2023 13:17

@x2boys

You know children have a right to see both parents ?
Its not up.to.the Op to let or not let her Ex see their son.

Who said anything about barring contact with him? If one of my DC was spending hours shut in a car with his Dad, thoroughly miserable and making noises about not wanting to go beforehand, I'd address that issue before worrying about anything else. How is that an appropriate day out for an 8 year old??

Themaghag · 04/08/2023 13:19

Well OP, I really can't believe that you are being slagged off for wanting to ensure that Anna is an appropriate person for your child to be staying overnight with. The chances are that she is exemplary in every way, whether she is your exP's girlfriend or just someone he is sharing with, but I'd want to satisfy myself that that is the case. As it is, your ExP doesn't sound as if he puts your child's needs before his own and I would hate to think that another person would be further compounding his less-than-sympathetic parenting style.

It's very sad that your ExP can't put his animosity about your separation to one side so that you can co-parent as effectively as possible. Obviously, he can't and because you can't trust him in this regard, you can't trust that he is making the best decision about who your child is exposed to, either.

This is another situation where a mother can't do right for doing wrong; on the one hand you are castigated for allowing your ExP any contact when it appears that he is unable to meet your child's basic needs and on the other, you are being castigated for not allowing him to stay overnight in a new household with a stranger! If I were you I wouldn't allow him to go unless I was entirely happy with the setup.

LlynTegid · 04/08/2023 13:19

I think if your son is going to meet his dad's girlfriend, never mind be in the same house, then you should be aware. And in reverse if it applies.

Sorry for your DS to have a dad who behaves in the way he does.

CornishGem1975 · 04/08/2023 13:26

Well OP, I really can't believe that you are being slagged off for wanting to ensure that Anna is an appropriate person for your child to be staying overnight with. The chances are that she is exemplary in every way, whether she is your exP's girlfriend or just someone he is sharing with, but I'd want to satisfy myself that that is the case.

It's not really slagging off to say that no, you do not have a right. You might want to know but you do not have the right.

Royalbloo · 04/08/2023 13:27

How would you know if she was ok or not upon meeting her? Would you do a DBS check on her?

TimeToMoveIt · 04/08/2023 13:30

Mine did similar except he moved to a different country and didn't bother telling them he moved because of a women. 5 months later on his second visit back for a weekend he bought her with him without even mentioning it to them. Not a very good idea when dealing with children who have asd who then had to spend a weekend in the same hotel room as someone they didn't know

4 years later they are married and the boys go out to stay with them in the holidays. It turned out for the best really as he was a shit parent and I feel happier with her being around even though I've never met her (my adult children have and like her)

It would be obviously better if he introduced them slowly so ds had time to get to know her but unfortunately you can't force that.

And no good parent would have been happy with their child staying on a sofa in a shared house 🙄

OlderandwiserMaybe · 04/08/2023 13:32

I'm wondering how many of the posters adding to this thread are even divorced - or if they are - if they are very luckily co-parenting having read every self help co-parenting book out there.

Sadly the real world is not always like that and ex's are not always cooperative and you can ask as much as you like - but choosing when to introduce a new partner - or choosing what they do with their time with the child it up to them - not you.

Some ex's are twats, some live in inappropriate situations - some maybe addicts - some maybe manipulative, some may even have been abusive in the past.

But - do you know what - whether you like it or not they still have rights and it's extremely rare for a court to forbid contact with a parent.

Therefore you have to learn to accept the situation as it is. Learn that you cannot control how your ex behaves. Learn to keep your distance.

Yes of course you are concerned how this new situation will impact your son - especially with his ND considerations. However you can't dictate what happens. By all means send an email to you ex with maybe suggestions how he approaches things - suggest a gradual introduction for example - but prepare to be ignored.

Unless your ex is actually abusing your son you have no option really but just to enable contact and be there for your Son when he is with you so you can support him as much as you can. Dont turn this into another fight.

EvelynKatie · 04/08/2023 13:33

HaddawayAndShite · 04/08/2023 12:00

The replies are peak MN.

There is a man who is choosing not to educate himself on his own child’s SEN and ND issues. Instead acts aggressively towards child for not acting normally and toward OP when she dares question his “tactics”. You don’t need to be living with said child to educate yourself on their issues.

There is a man who cannot provide suitable accommodation for a child, yet it’s OPs fault he can’t have him overnight. In 6 fucking years he hasn’t bothered his arse to find his own place, and he STILL hasn’t done that for his child. The best he could do is latch on to some other poor mug. What happens to these overnights when Anna gets sick of him and kicks him out? Oh yes, the poor child is one left reeling. That will
likely be OPs fault too.

OP introduced her partner slowly and steadily but is a hypocrite because she doesn’t think it’s appropriate to change her NDs child’s routine by introducing a new home and person and completely new experience on the same day, bang, no discussion.

Of course his dad has a right to keep everything in his life private, not tell Op anything at all and keep her in the dark. But is that any sort of healthy way to act around any child never kind a child with SEN? Of course it fucking isn’t, it’s genuinely worrying how many people think otherwise. Ignorance or sheer pigheadedness, either way it’s grim.

You know you won’t change this attitude OP, he doesn’t put his kid first and never will. He might spike his effort with a new partner but you’ve seen it doesn’t last because ultimately he doesn’t care and is a crap dad. As much as you want to know and yes, you should be able to have these discussions with him without him being a completely arse, you know he will never be anything but obstructive.

I think the best thing you can do is lay out on writing why a slow introduction would be best, describe your child’s emotions etc. And then leave it. If he’s obstructive and combative you have tried.

And hopefully in a few years the courts will take your child’s opinion into consideration and he won’t have to see this bloke who doesn’t give a fuck about him anymore.

This!

Really quite surprised by some of the replies you're getting OP.

Royalbloo · 04/08/2023 13:34

OlderandwiserMaybe · 04/08/2023 13:32

I'm wondering how many of the posters adding to this thread are even divorced - or if they are - if they are very luckily co-parenting having read every self help co-parenting book out there.

Sadly the real world is not always like that and ex's are not always cooperative and you can ask as much as you like - but choosing when to introduce a new partner - or choosing what they do with their time with the child it up to them - not you.

Some ex's are twats, some live in inappropriate situations - some maybe addicts - some maybe manipulative, some may even have been abusive in the past.

But - do you know what - whether you like it or not they still have rights and it's extremely rare for a court to forbid contact with a parent.

Therefore you have to learn to accept the situation as it is. Learn that you cannot control how your ex behaves. Learn to keep your distance.

Yes of course you are concerned how this new situation will impact your son - especially with his ND considerations. However you can't dictate what happens. By all means send an email to you ex with maybe suggestions how he approaches things - suggest a gradual introduction for example - but prepare to be ignored.

Unless your ex is actually abusing your son you have no option really but just to enable contact and be there for your Son when he is with you so you can support him as much as you can. Dont turn this into another fight.

This 100%

ASGIRC · 04/08/2023 13:36

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2023 12:38

Then she should go to court as the child isn't happy

Show quote history

Unless theres actual abuse, the court will enforce contact. "unhappiness" is subjective, and no judge will stop contact because of it.

Childrens opinions are not taken into account until 12. And even then it is more in the "would you prefer to live with mom or dad?", not in a would you rather never see dad again? way. (Again, unless there is proven abuse!)

WeetabixTowels · 04/08/2023 13:39

I’m surprised at the answers you’ve got OP.

You do have a right to know who your son will be spending overnight stays with.

AllOfThemWitches · 04/08/2023 13:42

You see this on so many similar threads, "why do you send him there, etc." These posters are living in fantasy land. I was told that parenting was a 'learning curve' in court, when I presented evidence of my child (then a toddler) screaming and literally holding onto my neck because she didn't want to see her dad. Then she was forced by court order to spend 50% of her time with him. I had no choice.

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 04/08/2023 13:43

Yanbu to want to know, as it would be better for everything to be open and transparent.

however, you have no right to know and it is up to your ex who dc spends time with and where they spend their time when it is his time.

yogasaurus · 04/08/2023 13:43

WeetabixTowels · 04/08/2023 13:39

I’m surprised at the answers you’ve got OP.

You do have a right to know who your son will be spending overnight stays with.

She doesn’t though. It would be nice if she did, but she has no right to know, if the other parent has PR.

CornishGem1975 · 04/08/2023 13:45

WeetabixTowels · 04/08/2023 13:39

I’m surprised at the answers you’ve got OP.

You do have a right to know who your son will be spending overnight stays with.

No, she doesn't.

User1800 · 04/08/2023 13:47

EvelynKatie · 04/08/2023 13:33

This!

Really quite surprised by some of the replies you're getting OP.

Show quote history

No surprise on mumsnet, in the real world I would be very surprised

NewName122 · 04/08/2023 13:50

Yabu it's up to him who he has around his son at his contact time. Grow up controller.

viques · 04/08/2023 13:52

It is August, if the overnights are not starting until October then there is plenty of time for your DS to meet Anna.

Paperclipped · 04/08/2023 13:55

User1800 · 04/08/2023 13:47

No surprise on mumsnet, in the real world I would be very surprised

Show quote history

When one assumes that the whole point of posting on a huge, anonymous internet forum is for unvarnished opinions, unaffected by concerns about tact and potential hurt and worry about seeming interfering or disapproving that will govern reactions from real-life friends and family, the difference is hardly surprising, is it?

@AllOfThemWitches, I know people who've gone back to court and CAHMS support and court orders about residency/contact were amended for the MH of the child, and, in the case of an older child, to reflect her wish to no longer spend weekends with her father.